AIBU to attend a friend’s party when another friend was excluded?

[Ricecrispiesatsix]

I have a group of friends from a mutual hobby. We live locally to each other so share lifts to hobby nights and over the years have become close.

Friend A (let’s call her Clara) is now devastated at friend B (let’s call her Steph) for not inviting her to her birthday party and is furious at me for going to the party.

For context, Clara is not someone who finds life easy. She’s been diagnosed with autism, adhd, borderline personality disorder and depression. She has a dysfunctional family and is basically no contact with her parents, struggles to hold down a job, and struggles to sleep/feed herself properly. She also has a heart of a gold, is one of my best friends, godmother to my daughter and when I broke my foot last year she was absolutely there for us in a very practical way. Still now she’ll often pick up our kids from school and have dinner with us (mutually beneficial as it gets her out the house and eating something nutritious!).

Clara went through a break up last year and for about a year things got really bad. She barely left her house, when she did come to hobby nights she’d cry outside the room while we took it in turns to sit with her. During these months, social occasions would often be dominated by her crying, sometimes until 1 or 2 in the morning. We’d have the same conversations with her over and over again, literally hundreds of times and it was quite emotionally draining.

She can also be quite argumentative, sees the world in black and white and has had a few autistic meltdowns when things haven’t gone her way. These look like her shouting, swearing and storming off. Often directed at Steph who has a very different approach to life than Clara. Steph is the kind of person who dances through life. She’s super bubbly and friendly, successful in her career, has loooads of friends and generally has rock solid boundaries around protecting her free time and her peace.

Steph is basically done. She values having a drama free life and has decided to only spend time with people who bring her joy. She has stopped inviting Clara to her events. Clara is understandably hurt and confused by this and feels excluded.

Last weekend was Steph’s birthday and she had a small party in her garden. On Friday Clara asked in the group chat whether anyone wanted to hang out at the weekend. None of us mentioned Steph’s party, we just gave the times we were free to do something with Clara. Clara then asked me directly “is Steph having a party for her birthday?” and I answered her truthfully. I figured it’d be worse if she found out afterwards that we were all there without her.

Clara spent the entire weekend and next 3 days at home crying. Which is probably an over reaction but Clara has lots of trauma from previous friendships that ended badly and I feel terrible. Should I not have gone to Steph’s party out of solidarity for Clara? And going forward can I be friends with both of them? Steph has clearly said she’s done with Clara’s drama, and Clara thinks Steph is a selfish fuck. I can see both sides. But now Clara is quitting the hobby that she loves because Steph is there and it’s all very sad and difficult.

Sorry it’s long. Hard to strike the right balance between brevity and not drip feeding!

Ok I didn’t expect to get this many responses! Thank you everyone for your different opinions and insights.

To try and answer a few of the questions/give more context:

The first time Steph excluded Clara was by removing her from a group chat before making a plan on it. When Clara confronted her, Steph said she’d done it by mistake which was obviously a lie. I wasn’t part of this group so nothing to do with me but I did agree with Clara that Steph should not have lied to her.

Steph then tried to make amends by inviting Clara to a small gathering - and Clara blew up about it not including ME! I wasn’t bothered but I can see why Clara thought I would be - when my kids were little the group used to make plans together all the time without me and I did once say to them that even though I probably wouldn’t be able to come to most things I’d still appreciate an invite. Clara has never forgotten that and always makes an effort to invite everyone to everything - as someone said, she is incredibly loyal and kind.

After that they didn’t speak for months, but Steph was busy with other stuff and wasn’t attending the hobby night (sounds so mysterious and I loved the guesses as to what it could be!) so I think Clara assumed they were still friends which is why she feels blindsided.

And I honestly don’t think Clara is manipulative. She would definitely sit with someone else who was crying. At hobby nights (when she’s in a good place) she’s the first to welcome new people and make them feel included. Especially the socially awkward people. She will literally drop everything to help her friends.

Clara has supported Steph loads in the past, above and beyond really (eg taking Steph’s cat to the vet when Steph was working). But Clara has a very transactional view of friendship so feels super hurt by Steph putting in boundaries when Clara feels she’s done loads to support her.

I have talked to Clara about how she lacks boundaries… which is her prerogative but she shouldn’t get upset about other people having boundaries. She didn’t have to take Steph’s cat to the vet and Steph doesn’t now “owe” her because she did that… but Clara disagrees with me on that one!

I am definitely closer to Clara than to Steph. Steph is lots of fun to be with but we’ve never been super close. The thing is Steph is more emotionally stable and would never dream of making me choose between them (or get upset at not being invited to something), whereas I think Clara is furious at me right now.

She doesn't sound well enough for a party atmosphere. I take it she's not too self aware. People with complex mental health problems often aren't.

You sound like a lovely friend to Clara. You should go to the party. You're not responsible for the guest list. And you deserve the opportunity to celebrate your other friends' birthday.

Do you need to be so rude?

Wow, if before I thought Steph was a mean girl, she's just risen through the ranks to Class A bitch.

She's removed Clara from group chats, which is extremely easy not to do by messaging members separately or starting a new chat.

She's lied about the reason.

She's excluded you- even after being asked not to.

She wasn't "trying to make amends" she was deliberately setting up a scenario where she could look like she was being kind whilst knowing damn well that Clara would not go along with her nastiness.

She's taken advantage of Clara's generosity when it suited her to have Clara as a friend.

And now she's calling bullying "boundaries."

I don't think Steph is emotionally stable- I think she's a nasty piece of work.

Steph can invite whoever she likes to her own birthday party and unsurprisingly didn’t invite someone who swears and shouts at her, I wouldn’t either in her place!
There is nothing for you to feel guilty about OP, if you like both of them then stay friends with both of them.

Its a tough one .
I understand the not wanting to put up with drama and someone mentally wearing them out I too would probably distance myself from this.
If you feel you can be friends with both do that if clara objects just kindly tell her you love them both in different ways you had every right to go to the party it might make clara look at the energy she is giving out in the future in the kindest way x

Dont allow clara to isolate you. Go and enjoy the party.

We don’t know if Clara still has the diagnosis of EUPD. Many autistic women receive this diagnosis before their autism diagnosis. Yes, autistic people can be manipulative and they can be manipulated. Clara sounds very troubled and I don’t think this situation will have helped her mental health, because the people she trusted who don’t have mental health problems left her to work it out for herself that she wasn’t invited to the party. The OP was the only one kind enough to explain this to Clara.

@Ricecrispiesatsix I think this is more about the messenger getting the blame. You’ve done nothing wrong by attending the party or by explaining the non-invitation to Clara, who seems to have a strong sense of justice rather than being manipulative.

It’s the impression I have received from some posts on this thread. I’m not projecting as far as I know - it’s decades since I’ve cried at a party.

I don’t know if people in their late 30s send out party invitations these days. It’s more of a primary school thing. The clue for Clara was that the others in the WhatsApp group were all busy with something else when she wanted to meet up and the common denominator was the party. She must have got the message that having meltdowns means she isn’t invited to events. Since she can’t help having the meltdowns, it’s like a wheelchair user getting the message when the party is in a top floor flat with no lift access.

The hobby club and the friendship group are in the real world.

I have had to deal with some Claras in my life. Whatever the diagnosis they are extremely hard to deal with when you don’t give them what they want, when they want. OP feels comfortable serving Clara’s emotional needs and has folded her into her family, she accepts Claras gift of care when her ankle was broken and her assistance with childcare.

But OP is going to find that Clara can not accept normal boundaries. Look out when OP’s children are old enough not to want to accept Clara’s gift of time and attention. She is demonstrating a complete disinterest in restraining her disappointment (here with Steph) and she isn’t going to grow in self control without a strong commitment.

Im not arguing she doesn’t have a right to feel hurt. But so what? That doesn’t give her the right to cause a scene and curse and shout. Steph doesn’t want to play anymore. This isn’t a child’s playground where teacher makes everybody play.

I wonder why Clara blows up at Steph, who excludes her from WhatsApp chats and then lies about it?

If Steph doesn’t want to play any more, you’re right, it’s not a child’s playground. Steph is an adult with strong boundaries and adults can state their life choices. Steph has chosen not to state her boundary to Clara. I think we all know that five year olds can say they don’t want to play any more.

Yes and it sounds like these people are reaching their limits with this inappropriate behaviour. It's a hard lesson, that I'm sure a lot of us have had to learn, that most people will try to be kind and sympathetic to a crying person but push it too far and people will give up on you.

OK, sure, but is it really more do socially correct to inform a social acquaintance that you are cutting off the relationship entirely? This happens all the time in looslely constructed social groups—how often do we see people here complaining that they were not invited to a Hen Do or inly invited to the evening part of a wedding? The bride is never expected to call each person personally and explain her reasoning unless we are talking very close family relationships. This is not even that.

Steph handled things poorly. But so what? This isn’t a court of law and social relationships are more fluid than that. Steph may have been trying to detangle herself subtly for a while. I don’t think she was obligated to notify Clara that she wasn’t getting an invite to the party and I frankly can’t see how that would be mire kind or socially correct than just holding the party snd expecting Clara to recognize yhat she is a hobby acquaintance and not an intimate friend.

I think trying to negotiate around life is difficult isn’t it, when you are basically a human being wanting some connection?
We all have own traits, some of which we can manage and there is clearly some that, for some people, can’t be.
It is clear that Clara had extreme rejection sensitivity, on her own behalf and behalf of others that she things are wronged. At one point that was OP. And yet she’s lashed out and rejected OP when she did not get what she wanted.
I don’t think Steph was wrong not to invite Clara. If Clara was called Clive and we read about screaming and shouting the reaction would be don’t invite this man, it’s abusive behaviour. It is wrong to leave someone out, out of spite, but this is not spite.
OP here is actually the one who had been wronged as she’s done nothing wrong. She’s tried her best, she values Clara, and last night on her own home she’s tried to be measured and been hurt instead.
The question is what does she do next? My version of Clara posted a Christmas card through my door after an incident like this at 5 in the morning and rattled the letterbox. She has done it several times since.
After knowing my Clara for close to 6 decades I can no longer do it. My health and wellbeing can no longer stand the last thing she did. I realised I have been placating her all of my life - we aren’t close friends but I’ve known her most of my life - and she’s been railroading me for as long as I remember.
When it was over I also realised while she had been bullied during her life, she was also bullying me for periods of it, including almost forcing her way into my home, spreading gossip about me, asking family members for information about me.
When I changed my phone number at some point and didn’t add her on anything she stopped me in person and said you may as well give me your new number I know you’ve got one so I will just bully it out if you. She said this in front of another friend, who was horrified.
I am sorry for Clara but sometimes the behaviours others bring become too much.

I wouldn't dare tell someone who behaved like Clara that I didn't want to be friends anymore because they'd inevitably start with the very abusive behaviour that drove me away in the first place.

She did mention her friends problems,

I did 2 years ago and I still get her trying to initiate contact and it’s awful. It makes me feel sick every time as I have seen her scream and shout all of my life.
The last thing she did was absolutely horrendous. I can’t even begin to say but I eventually went to therapy as it traumatised me. And I’m not being attention-seeking but it was keeping me awake.
I used to feel very sorry for her but now I feel she’s also a bit dangerous.
I don’t think OP’s Clara is in the same league, but I would be very wary over a close friendship with my child.
The person I feel for here is OP because it’s like Clara’s wellbeing is her job.

Clara just sounds like a nightmare. I'm so sick of people blaming their antisocial and rubbish behaviour on Neurodivergence.
Get over it.
You know you want to go to the party.
Just go and stop looking for affirmation.

And I wouldn't shout and swear at one of my friends after they sat up with me until 2am every bloody night for months whilst I was crying- THAT is nasty and ABUSIVE behaviour! See how respect works both ways here? 🙄

Dont abuse your friends (or anyone) and they wont want to exclude you - simple really