AIBU to attend a friend’s party when another friend was excluded?

[Ricecrispiesatsix]

I have a group of friends from a mutual hobby. We live locally to each other so share lifts to hobby nights and over the years have become close.

Friend A (let’s call her Clara) is now devastated at friend B (let’s call her Steph) for not inviting her to her birthday party and is furious at me for going to the party.

For context, Clara is not someone who finds life easy. She’s been diagnosed with autism, adhd, borderline personality disorder and depression. She has a dysfunctional family and is basically no contact with her parents, struggles to hold down a job, and struggles to sleep/feed herself properly. She also has a heart of a gold, is one of my best friends, godmother to my daughter and when I broke my foot last year she was absolutely there for us in a very practical way. Still now she’ll often pick up our kids from school and have dinner with us (mutually beneficial as it gets her out the house and eating something nutritious!).

Clara went through a break up last year and for about a year things got really bad. She barely left her house, when she did come to hobby nights she’d cry outside the room while we took it in turns to sit with her. During these months, social occasions would often be dominated by her crying, sometimes until 1 or 2 in the morning. We’d have the same conversations with her over and over again, literally hundreds of times and it was quite emotionally draining.

She can also be quite argumentative, sees the world in black and white and has had a few autistic meltdowns when things haven’t gone her way. These look like her shouting, swearing and storming off. Often directed at Steph who has a very different approach to life than Clara. Steph is the kind of person who dances through life. She’s super bubbly and friendly, successful in her career, has loooads of friends and generally has rock solid boundaries around protecting her free time and her peace.

Steph is basically done. She values having a drama free life and has decided to only spend time with people who bring her joy. She has stopped inviting Clara to her events. Clara is understandably hurt and confused by this and feels excluded.

Last weekend was Steph’s birthday and she had a small party in her garden. On Friday Clara asked in the group chat whether anyone wanted to hang out at the weekend. None of us mentioned Steph’s party, we just gave the times we were free to do something with Clara. Clara then asked me directly “is Steph having a party for her birthday?” and I answered her truthfully. I figured it’d be worse if she found out afterwards that we were all there without her.

Clara spent the entire weekend and next 3 days at home crying. Which is probably an over reaction but Clara has lots of trauma from previous friendships that ended badly and I feel terrible. Should I not have gone to Steph’s party out of solidarity for Clara? And going forward can I be friends with both of them? Steph has clearly said she’s done with Clara’s drama, and Clara thinks Steph is a selfish fuck. I can see both sides. But now Clara is quitting the hobby that she loves because Steph is there and it’s all very sad and difficult.

Sorry it’s long. Hard to strike the right balance between brevity and not drip feeding!

You're being ridiculous now. She didn't get to go to the party because she's been verbally abusive to the host on more than one occasion.
It's ok to protect yourself from people like that.

Clara needs to accept that not everyone will be prepared to put up with her behaviour, and Steph clearly has excellent boundaries.

Nobody is owed friendship, and Clara needs to find alternative ways of expressing herself if she does not want to continue going through life alienating everyone around her. I am frankly amazed that anyone can think they have a right to control who somebody else is friends with.

Clara cared for OP when OP had a broken ankle. She has done some caring as well as being a banshee/drama queen/hard work/manipulative/unstable.

Why was she excluded?

Clara’s past trauma and ND can’t trump everyone else’s feelings. If Steph feels she’s had enough and can’t spend anymore energy on Clara’s issues then that’s fair enough. You have a separate friendship with each of them and can choose to spend time with them independently of one another.

Clara is dominating everything and everyone. I think you need to step back a bit.

I think myself that Clara is lucky the OP allows her to pick up her children from school, even if it's practically helpful. I'm not sure I would trust someone who struggles to feed herself and sleep properly, and who is so often quite so disregulated, around young children. I don't think I would trust her judgement.

I'm assuming, however helpful Clara was when she broke her ankle, that if Clara starts to extend her weeping and sweary, shouty meltdowns into the time she spends with the OP and her children, she will quickly find herself excluded from that relationship too.

Why does Clara think it’s ok to behave the way she does and expect everyone around her to accommodate it?

Why does she think Steph should accept being yelled at, and still choose to invite her along to things?

ND is not an excuse for being rude.

In the original post OP says that Clara was crying until 1-2am 'literally hundreds of times'. And it seems that the group did support her, for months, if not years. She then moved on to 'shouting, swearing and storming off' directed at Steph.

I feel for Clara, and it's wonderful that OP and her have a relationship that feeds them both. But Steph doesn't have that. Clara is abusive towards her. People don't have to invite someone who shouts and swears at them to their birthday. That shouldn't require guilt.

I've had this conversation endlessly with my DD, who has a mixed group of friends with different needs (including her). Yes, consider others, yes, seek to understand and be curious, yes, give and take. But if someone is abusive towards you, you owe them nothing. Not kindness, not attention, not love.

You believe that people have to put up with shouting, swearing and storming off at their own birthday, when they get nothing out of a relationship with that person; I am struggling to understand why.

Also, people are focusing on the AuDHD, but I think the BPD (or EUPD) is salient.

What you did was clearly fine. Whether you still have it in your heart to forgive Clara and try and work with her, or dump her a friend is 100% up to you. While her problems probably are due to disability, we're not talking about whether she should be kicked out of school or a work team for her behaviour, which clearly she shouldn't be, we are talking about if you should make the large effort it clearly takes to be her friend, which you 100% don't have to.

“On Friday Clara asked in the group chat whether anyone wanted to hang out at the weekend. None of us mentioned Steph’s party, we just gave the times we were free to do something with Clara. Clara then asked me directly “is Steph having a party for her birthday?” and I answered her truthfully. I figured it’d be worse if she found out afterwards that we were all there without her.”

Yes, it would have been worse for Clara.

OP, you sound kind. You don’t have to decline any party invitations or choose one friend over another. You know this. You sound as though you’ve been very sensitive. I think Clara will probably withdraw from the hobby group now, and perhaps from your family. You could do her one last kindness of telling her she’s welcome or not welcome at your home and you want to meet in a neutral place to avoid shouting and door slamming.

Me. I am autistic.

What has Clara done that was rude? Socially clueless yes and Steph can choose to be mates with who she wants but nothing about Clara sounds mean or horrible. Just struggling with big emotions.

Exactly @MrsTerryPratchett . I am
nit a psychologist but the behaviours as described would seem to be more explained by the BPD.

She can also be quite argumentative, sees the world in black and white and has had a few autistic meltdowns when things haven’t gone her way. These look like her shouting, swearing and storming off. Often directed at Steph

Rude.

She's verbally abusive to people, shouting and swearing at them, which, strangely enough, is considered rude.

People's boundaries and peace have very often come at great expense, which is why they're so protective of them (speaking from experience here). Clara sounds like she's had plenty of time and attention given to her. It was Steph's birthday, and on that day she is more than entitled to surround herself with who she wishes to be with. The OP is in an awkward situation, but sounds like she more than makes up the time and attention and relationship with Clara. She's also allowed a night off from being supportive, surely?

The way you've phrased it is that you are all in a friendship group and Steph invited everyone and left out Clara. Clara might be hard work at times, but in my mind it's always mean girl behaviour to leave out one person from a group for a party invite. Especially if the reason they are hard work happens to be because they have disabilities. I wouldn't have gone to Steph's party.

It would be a shit party if you organied it knowing that Clara would be crying to your guests all night. I doubt you'd allow for your own guests that but you expect this woman to.

The group have been very kind to Clara, listening to her hijack every event and cry and talk about her problems for hours.

Everyone has a limit. Don't pretend you have limitlless patience, no one does.

Slamming doors and swearing in someone's home is the eiptome of rude behaviour.

OP didn't say she hijacked every event and cried and talked about her problems for hours. In fact, she said that she'd never been on the receiving end of a meltdown before last night, but that Clara has had a "few" meltdowns which have involved Steph (and I'm curious about what it is that Steph does which causes her to become so disegulated that she melts down as that's also relevant.)

But leaving one person in a group out of a gathering including everyone else is always mean girl behaviour, and I will stand by that.

Op literally says ‘During these months, social occasions would often be dominated by her crying, sometimes until 1 or 2 in the morning. We’d have the same conversations with her over and over again, literally hundreds of times and it was quite emotionally draining.’

This behaviour is not bearable long term. The group is not displaying mean girl behaviour; it’s self-preservation.

No surprise that Clara is focusing all her ire on OP and not picking on other members of the group.

If the timing of her outbursts are carefully chosen then they're unlikely to be related to autism.

Personally I'd be very wary of a person who shapes others lives with the constant threat of angry outbursts.

Regardless of where it comes from, the end result is manipulation.

and I'm curious about what it is that Steph does which causes her to become so disegulated that she melts down

So now Clara’s manipulative, shitty behaviour is Steph fault? 🤦‍♀️