AIBU to attend a friend’s party when another friend was excluded?

[Ricecrispiesatsix]

I have a group of friends from a mutual hobby. We live locally to each other so share lifts to hobby nights and over the years have become close.

Friend A (let’s call her Clara) is now devastated at friend B (let’s call her Steph) for not inviting her to her birthday party and is furious at me for going to the party.

For context, Clara is not someone who finds life easy. She’s been diagnosed with autism, adhd, borderline personality disorder and depression. She has a dysfunctional family and is basically no contact with her parents, struggles to hold down a job, and struggles to sleep/feed herself properly. She also has a heart of a gold, is one of my best friends, godmother to my daughter and when I broke my foot last year she was absolutely there for us in a very practical way. Still now she’ll often pick up our kids from school and have dinner with us (mutually beneficial as it gets her out the house and eating something nutritious!).

Clara went through a break up last year and for about a year things got really bad. She barely left her house, when she did come to hobby nights she’d cry outside the room while we took it in turns to sit with her. During these months, social occasions would often be dominated by her crying, sometimes until 1 or 2 in the morning. We’d have the same conversations with her over and over again, literally hundreds of times and it was quite emotionally draining.

She can also be quite argumentative, sees the world in black and white and has had a few autistic meltdowns when things haven’t gone her way. These look like her shouting, swearing and storming off. Often directed at Steph who has a very different approach to life than Clara. Steph is the kind of person who dances through life. She’s super bubbly and friendly, successful in her career, has loooads of friends and generally has rock solid boundaries around protecting her free time and her peace.

Steph is basically done. She values having a drama free life and has decided to only spend time with people who bring her joy. She has stopped inviting Clara to her events. Clara is understandably hurt and confused by this and feels excluded.

Last weekend was Steph’s birthday and she had a small party in her garden. On Friday Clara asked in the group chat whether anyone wanted to hang out at the weekend. None of us mentioned Steph’s party, we just gave the times we were free to do something with Clara. Clara then asked me directly “is Steph having a party for her birthday?” and I answered her truthfully. I figured it’d be worse if she found out afterwards that we were all there without her.

Clara spent the entire weekend and next 3 days at home crying. Which is probably an over reaction but Clara has lots of trauma from previous friendships that ended badly and I feel terrible. Should I not have gone to Steph’s party out of solidarity for Clara? And going forward can I be friends with both of them? Steph has clearly said she’s done with Clara’s drama, and Clara thinks Steph is a selfish fuck. I can see both sides. But now Clara is quitting the hobby that she loves because Steph is there and it’s all very sad and difficult.

Sorry it’s long. Hard to strike the right balance between brevity and not drip feeding!

To answer your original question, no it's not unreasonable to attend a party that one of your other friends hasn't been invited to.

Neither friend is in the wrong. Keep being friends with them both, don't take sides, don't discuss them with each other. "Steph has made her own choices about how she spends her time, I want to be friends with you both and am officially Switzerland, any issues between the two of you are yours to sort out, anyway let's talk about xxx/go do xxx things'

Are you all in year 7?

In general social situations friend groups overlap and it’s very common for some to be invited to a party given by C while a slightly different group are invited to a party given by X.

no, I wouldn’t refuse an invitation because one of ky friends wasn’t invited. It happens all the time.

I can see why Steph is fed up. I wouldn’t tolerate much of the crying at a social occasion until 1 or 2 am.

Clara sounds like hard work

🤣🤣 we’re all in our late thirties!!

It is all ridiculous but that’s why I included all the context around Clara’s mental health stuff and neurodivergence. She’s had a rough time.

Team Steph here. I too don’t put up with drama, stress in my life any more, Clara sounds far to hard to deal with, it dosnt matter about what’s going on in her head or life your an adult and she can’t tell you who to be friends with or hang out with, your not children and even if you were I teach my children no one can tell them who they can be friends with.

YANBU. And you can stay friends with both

Clara has to understand that her actions have caused a rift with Steph. Steph is not obliged to be friends with anyone and Clara needs to understand that

i would just tell Clara you are going to remain friends with both of them and leave it

If Clara frequently ends up shouting or melting down at Steph it’s natural she will end up getting herself excluded from Steph’s world. I can understand her feeling upset at not being invited, but she really ought to understand why. I think you should tell her that she has upset Steph a few times and that’s why. And point out that you’re friends with them both, and won’t be falling out with anyone. Clara sounds like she has a lot of issues, but also some lessons to learn.

Why so rude? Did you miss the fact that Clara has autism and suffers from trauma?

And where has OP behaved like a year 7?She just sounds like someone trying to do the right thing by both friends.

I get that Clara is fundamentally a kind person, but also understand why Steph decided not to invite her. She was probably worried that Clara would dominate and ruin her party with her problems.

Not everyone can be invited to everything and I don't see why you should had to miss out on social occasions because Clara wasn't included. And if this is how she behaves, no wonder Clara's friendships end badly. You can't make such demands of people.

You'll have to lay down that boundary with Clara now. Hopefully you can help her understand.

Poor Clara needs to get a bit outside her own head and reflect why she has trouble with family, work and friendships

you can obviously go to the party and are playing it straight by just telling her that. If Clara then cannot accept that, that is on her. Your friendship with Clara does not mean you have to join her in the pits of self indulgent despair and cut off your other friends

do you not all have families? Jobs? Responsibilities? Can’t believe you all have the time for all this drama and getting together so often.

Well Clara sounds rather rude herself

Clara thinks Steph is a selfish fuck.

With other poster who said neither is in the wrong and neither are you. I think just having a kind and direct discussion with Clara to say Steph finds it too hard is OK. Or even get Steph to say so herself - sure she doesn't owe her anything but it's just an act of kindness.

I'm autistic and have also been dropped by mates before for being too hard work / argumentative etc. What's really hurt the most is being ghosted. A direct explanation would have hurt more at the time but actually the clarity (I will no longer be invited to this person's things) would have been really helpful.

On a separate note you frame friendship with an autistic person very nicely and perfectly I think. Yes, we can be a bit much as we sometimes get stuck but if you can bear with us we will be the most loyal friend you could ever have!

Yes, Clara sounds challenging. I still don’t see why you’ve tarred everyone with the same brush and why you’re being so sneery about people having a social life outside their work and family. People have friends and hobbies, shocker!

Plus not every middle aged person has children so obviously they’re going to have more of a social life than those of us that do!

Steph is perfectly reasonable. If Clara gives you an ultimatum about ditching Steph to keep her you can’t stay friends with both, you choose Steph.

Whatever the reasons behind Clara’s behaviour, there are things which sound completely unacceptable. If I was Steph I’d have stepped back long ago.

Also, it’s not being a “selfish fuck” to not invite someone to your party who has a track record of verbal abuse to you! The reason Clara has the trauma of many broken friendships is because she treats people unacceptably.

I have all 3 of the above. Clara doesn’t have kids or a job. And because of that she has lots of free time, and spends a lot of it with our family, which has been hugely helpful and appreciated.

These look like her shouting, swearing and storming off. Often directed at Steph

I think Clara needs reminding of this.

"Mate, you know I love you and you've a heart of gold. But also you've lost your rag at Steph quite a lot this year, shouting and swearing and going off at her.
"It was her birthday. You've not been nice to her so she wanted a break, which is pretty fair.
"It doesn't mean we aren't friends or that you aren't valued. But if you're rude to someone repeatedly, they are going to pull back."

you need an honest conversation with Clara:

“Clara I love you very much and value spending time with you.

I also love Steph and like spending time with her

I have no say or control who Steph spends time with and I cannot intervene in your friendship and relationship. That is between you and Steph.

I very much wish to remain friends with you both but can see that for the moment this may entail seeing you independently from one another. “

be very clear and direct so Clara knows where she stands with you.

you are not all 10 years old in the playground playing the ‘I’m not your friend if you’re hers’ - that behaviour is something that should stop at primary school age. Don’t get involved with their friendship - not your issue.

Just remain friends with both.

If you are organising something such as for your birthday and want to invite both - you do that. It is their choice then to decide if to attend together.

ohh it’s all sounds a bit difficult and upsetting, but you were absolutely not unreasonable for going to Steph’s. I understand how draining Clara can be and if you need to put similar boundaries in for yourself also, I would do.

Yes, exactly. Clara's life is difficult. The OP chooses to engage with that and to have Clara in her life because she also brings her good things. Steph has made a different decision. as is her right.

Clara needs to recognise that her behaviour comes with consequences. There's nothing to be 'confused' about. She ruined other people's hobby meetings and social events. She needs to learn to regulate her own emotions no matter how difficult her life is. Maybe if she does, and shows that she's able to handle herself socially for some time, Steph will be open to including her in things again, but it's on Clara to manage her own behaviour in such a way that she doesn't ruin other people's social events on a regular basis.

that's a really hard position for you to be in.

Steph hasn't done anything wrong. Nobody has to be friends with anyone out of obligation or guilt. It's completely reasonable to not want someone who has previously been aggressive and rude in your house, around your family, even if she fully sympathises and understands why Clara reacts the way she does.

Clara is not being unreasonable to be upset, but at the end of the day the situation is of her own making. It's possible to feel very sympathetic and understanding towards her as a person while being critical of her behaviour.

And you definitely haven't done anything wrong either. It is absolutely fine for you to be friends with both of them. Just because you all originally met as part of a group doesn't mean a group will always stay the same, people often lose interest, move away, fall out etc.

I would reassure Clara that you value her as a friend, and your friendship is strong, but at the same time don't accept any criticism from her about you remaining friends with Steph and the others. I'd stay out of her decision to leave the hobby, maybe just say 'Well it's up to you but I know you'll always be welcome back if you ever decide to return.'

And when she's with your family, is she having meltdowns and crying in the hall till 1 am?

Clara sounds like awfully hard work and not someone I’d want to be friends with. I can understand why she hasn’t been invited. There are no participation trophies in real life. Either she makes good friends and maintains those relationships and gets invited to things, or she doesn’t. But that isn’t your burden to carry for her. I’d go to the party and have a lovely time. If you want to support Clara, make plans to meet up with her individually and invite her to your birthday party.