AIBU to attend a friend’s party when another friend was excluded?

[Ricecrispiesatsix]

I have a group of friends from a mutual hobby. We live locally to each other so share lifts to hobby nights and over the years have become close.

Friend A (let’s call her Clara) is now devastated at friend B (let’s call her Steph) for not inviting her to her birthday party and is furious at me for going to the party.

For context, Clara is not someone who finds life easy. She’s been diagnosed with autism, adhd, borderline personality disorder and depression. She has a dysfunctional family and is basically no contact with her parents, struggles to hold down a job, and struggles to sleep/feed herself properly. She also has a heart of a gold, is one of my best friends, godmother to my daughter and when I broke my foot last year she was absolutely there for us in a very practical way. Still now she’ll often pick up our kids from school and have dinner with us (mutually beneficial as it gets her out the house and eating something nutritious!).

Clara went through a break up last year and for about a year things got really bad. She barely left her house, when she did come to hobby nights she’d cry outside the room while we took it in turns to sit with her. During these months, social occasions would often be dominated by her crying, sometimes until 1 or 2 in the morning. We’d have the same conversations with her over and over again, literally hundreds of times and it was quite emotionally draining.

She can also be quite argumentative, sees the world in black and white and has had a few autistic meltdowns when things haven’t gone her way. These look like her shouting, swearing and storming off. Often directed at Steph who has a very different approach to life than Clara. Steph is the kind of person who dances through life. She’s super bubbly and friendly, successful in her career, has loooads of friends and generally has rock solid boundaries around protecting her free time and her peace.

Steph is basically done. She values having a drama free life and has decided to only spend time with people who bring her joy. She has stopped inviting Clara to her events. Clara is understandably hurt and confused by this and feels excluded.

Last weekend was Steph’s birthday and she had a small party in her garden. On Friday Clara asked in the group chat whether anyone wanted to hang out at the weekend. None of us mentioned Steph’s party, we just gave the times we were free to do something with Clara. Clara then asked me directly “is Steph having a party for her birthday?” and I answered her truthfully. I figured it’d be worse if she found out afterwards that we were all there without her.

Clara spent the entire weekend and next 3 days at home crying. Which is probably an over reaction but Clara has lots of trauma from previous friendships that ended badly and I feel terrible. Should I not have gone to Steph’s party out of solidarity for Clara? And going forward can I be friends with both of them? Steph has clearly said she’s done with Clara’s drama, and Clara thinks Steph is a selfish fuck. I can see both sides. But now Clara is quitting the hobby that she loves because Steph is there and it’s all very sad and difficult.

Sorry it’s long. Hard to strike the right balance between brevity and not drip feeding!

Do you know Clara well, or are you making inferences from the OP’s posts?

Yes I have, but not since I was 17? 18?

You just don't invite them. The absence of an invitation communicates that they're not invited.

@Ricecrispiesatsix

I feel that maybe I was insensitive and didn’t handle the conversation well.

Don't start blaming yourself. You know what Clara's like. If you'd said something in the most anodyne language, in an angel whisper and presented it on a silk cushion decorated with diamonds and unicorn tears she would STILL have taken it badly. She will not accept anything less than total support and sympathy, and subjugation to her wants.

Now there may well be diagnosed reasons for her being like that but she can't just say 'that's the way I am' and expect everyone else to fall in line. I think you did the right thing. How Clara reacts is up to her.

Not receiving an invitation is surely 'loud enough' to tell her she wasn't invited. If you're throwing a party, do you tell every person that you aren't inviting that you aren't inviting them? I imagine that's quite time consuming.

There’s no information you need to know if you are not invited to something.

Inclusion in everything someone else does is not the default.

If someone wants you to do something with them, they will invite you.

Most of us have friends who will invite us to some things and not others - and friends we invite to some things and not others. We don’t need to tell everyone what we’re doing socially at all times, and what they are or are not invited to.

That’s not how communication with autistic people works. Clara was expecting to go to the birthday party of someone she considered a friend. She has had the rug pulled from under her unexpectedly.

By not inviting them??

These people aren’t Clara’s carers or her therapist.

That is, sadly, Clara’s problem to manage though. Not the OP’s, not Steph’s. They are not Clara’s carers or PAs or inrerpreters.

No, it might not be how autistic people understand communication, but you can't impose communication rules on other people by saying 'that's not how it works'. It does work like that, because that's what Steph did.

You were not unreasonable to go to Steph's party.

There has been a long overdue shift towards people being more understanding of mental health conditions. And perhaps with that, people with those conditions have expectations of their friends and family that are unrealistic. I am referring to Clara's depression and borderline personality disorder, not her autism or ADHD which I believe are somewhat different to mental health illness or disorder.

I think perhaps that shift has gone too far or is misguided in that we can be kinder and more tolerant, but we can't fully understand because we aren't trained to. People with those conditions need professional help from people who are qualified and experienced in that aspect of medicine. That help is woefully unavailable, so for kind people it is tempting to step in even though we wouldn't dream of doing so with in any other medical issue, like a broken leg or diabetes, whatever.

Clara needs to find qualified resources to help her manage her depression and borderline personality disorder. If she cannot access that through NHS or pay for the therapy she needs, then she can engage with other agencies or even read well sourced books. What she can't do is expect her unqualified friends to know the best way to help her and then get angry with them when they don't. She also can't expect them to be on call all the time and offer unending support. Even those who work in mental health and are trained how to manage the impact that work will have on them can't do that. And she should not expect friends to adjust how they want to live their lives to suit her illness. And that includes maintaining friendships with people she has fallen out with.

I think you have done the very best any friend could do. You've been unfailingly supportive and honest. Unfortunately, it is the honesty that Clara is not in a position to appreciate at the moment because she hasn't had enough qualified instruction on how to manage her mental ill health. If her response to your conversation last night is to end your friendship I'm sure you will be sad about that but I hope you won't feel guilty.

And we need to be careful here not to generalize about all autistic people.

My DH is autistic and he wouldn’t expect to be explicitly told if he’s not invited to something, nor would he feel the rug had been pulled out from under him if some of his friends had gone to a party he wasn’t invited to. (He would probably be relieved tbh).

Some of Clara’s intense emotional reactivity is psychological rather than neurological.

So she CAN control her behaviour! She is VERY manipulative and needs for you and people around her not to keep letting her get away with everything because of her diagnoseses! You aren’t doing her or yourself any favours! Her behaviour to your conversation should have been eye opening to you and NOT had you thinking that you were insensitive!! Clara has got you all dancing around her like her servants and belonging everything she wants you to and when you question it or try to put it from someone else’s point of view she is nasty and storms out your house! You need to realise that this isn’t all part of her autism and her personality disorder controlling everyone around her and if they don’t do what Clara wants then she calls them a selfish fuck?!! Clara needs telling bluntly she is a selfish fuck a lot and this is why she is losing friends!!!

I personally wouldn’t have anyone like this around my children and I hope you aren’t letting her have time with your children on their own?!!

As someone autistic/ADHD myself I can empathise with Clara - I have often been on the receiving end of not being included. However, I would nowadays probably retreat into myself instead of making a fuss, as I am so aware of how society feels and that there isn’t always the awareness or understanding of how being excluded really hurts people like me.
Clara has been hard work I’m sure, but from the other side people on the spectrum don’t mean to create drama, it’s more of a sensitivity to rejection. I wish I knew the solution.

Absolutely.

The penny dropped for Clara when she realised that the rest of what she had believed to be her friendship group were busy because they were attending a party she wasn’t invited to.

At least 25% of MN posts are about people being hurt that they’re not invited to events/holidays/weddings, or invitations being rescinded. Wait until you see the Christmas party posts if you think this is a rare one-off event and Clara is totally unreasonable.

Every workplace has an anti-bullying policy that states exclusion from activities is a form of bullying. It’s sadly very common for autistic people in the workplace to experience this.

I have no personal stake in this and am offering my opinion as someone who knows that a diagnosis of autism involves significant deficits in communication and social understanding.

OP can’t be blamed for Steph’s decision, but OP was the person who had to spell it out to Clara.

Posters with ND children will understand very well how upsetting it is to realise that their child is the only one not invited to parties and repeatedly have to explain this to their children.

Well, I think we can see ignorance of neurodivergence clearly on display in some of these replies. It’s probably better to withdraw and enjoy your hobbies rather then trying to navigate this sort of situation.

If she was my friend I would message her to explain that part of the reason she wasn't invited was probably because she has previously shouted at Steph. Calmly explain that verbally attacking people is unacceptable and people will not want to spend time with her if she is abusive towards them, even if it's part of an autistic meltdown. It may be that she actually needs this spelling out to her and a written message gives her the opportunity to be upset and then go back and reread when she's calmer.

I'd tell her you will not continue being her friend if she shouts at you again, but that you will help her practice coping mechanisms (like walking away when she starts to become overwhelmed) if that helps.

I agree. What happens/would happen if people didn’t take turns to sit with her, I mean that in itself is a ridiculous situation.

No you are not unreasonable to
go to party.

That’s what Steph did, yes. I hope Steph continues to breeze her way through life and doesn’t have any reason to cry, because crying is bad. Crying means you don’t get to go to parties any more.

Autistic or not, Clara is not a child. She has had enough time in the world to understand that friendships are based on mutual liking and respect, and to recognise her behaviour is unappealing to other people. The OP says that lots of previous friendships have ended because of her behaviour. This is not a new thing. It is not Steph's job to adjust her communication style in order not to invite a former friend to a party.

I mean, absolutely I feel sorry for Clara. Would I want her wailing like a banshee in the hall as I threw pots or held a book club? No, Would I want her swearing and shouting at me in the middle of my birthday party? Also no. Her exclusion is a consequence of her own behaviour. She is either able to grasp that or she isn't. She's clearly lucky to have the OP, but I imagine that if she becomes totally dependent on her and starts shouting and swearing and having meltdowns in front of the OP's children, she will also lose that friendship. Also as a consequence of her own behaviour.

exactly! I didn't think any of it was particularly childish! It's not like they are arguing about which Kpop star is better, 1 person is having a birthday party (something which adults are allowed to do), and someone else is upset at not being invited, perfectly reasonable scenario whether you're 8 or 80!

I'm afraid I'm team Steph. You sound very kind and like you really get Clara and see her best qualities, but people are entitled to protect their peace.