AIBU to attend a friend’s party when another friend was excluded?

[Ricecrispiesatsix]

I have a group of friends from a mutual hobby. We live locally to each other so share lifts to hobby nights and over the years have become close.

Friend A (let’s call her Clara) is now devastated at friend B (let’s call her Steph) for not inviting her to her birthday party and is furious at me for going to the party.

For context, Clara is not someone who finds life easy. She’s been diagnosed with autism, adhd, borderline personality disorder and depression. She has a dysfunctional family and is basically no contact with her parents, struggles to hold down a job, and struggles to sleep/feed herself properly. She also has a heart of a gold, is one of my best friends, godmother to my daughter and when I broke my foot last year she was absolutely there for us in a very practical way. Still now she’ll often pick up our kids from school and have dinner with us (mutually beneficial as it gets her out the house and eating something nutritious!).

Clara went through a break up last year and for about a year things got really bad. She barely left her house, when she did come to hobby nights she’d cry outside the room while we took it in turns to sit with her. During these months, social occasions would often be dominated by her crying, sometimes until 1 or 2 in the morning. We’d have the same conversations with her over and over again, literally hundreds of times and it was quite emotionally draining.

She can also be quite argumentative, sees the world in black and white and has had a few autistic meltdowns when things haven’t gone her way. These look like her shouting, swearing and storming off. Often directed at Steph who has a very different approach to life than Clara. Steph is the kind of person who dances through life. She’s super bubbly and friendly, successful in her career, has loooads of friends and generally has rock solid boundaries around protecting her free time and her peace.

Steph is basically done. She values having a drama free life and has decided to only spend time with people who bring her joy. She has stopped inviting Clara to her events. Clara is understandably hurt and confused by this and feels excluded.

Last weekend was Steph’s birthday and she had a small party in her garden. On Friday Clara asked in the group chat whether anyone wanted to hang out at the weekend. None of us mentioned Steph’s party, we just gave the times we were free to do something with Clara. Clara then asked me directly “is Steph having a party for her birthday?” and I answered her truthfully. I figured it’d be worse if she found out afterwards that we were all there without her.

Clara spent the entire weekend and next 3 days at home crying. Which is probably an over reaction but Clara has lots of trauma from previous friendships that ended badly and I feel terrible. Should I not have gone to Steph’s party out of solidarity for Clara? And going forward can I be friends with both of them? Steph has clearly said she’s done with Clara’s drama, and Clara thinks Steph is a selfish fuck. I can see both sides. But now Clara is quitting the hobby that she loves because Steph is there and it’s all very sad and difficult.

Sorry it’s long. Hard to strike the right balance between brevity and not drip feeding!

Absolute bollocks! 😂😂

Yes, Autistic people can be socially clueless when it comes to reading other people when the person says one thing to them but actually means the complete opposite and simply hopes they get the hint. I find this beyond frustrating when on the receiving end.

However, we can still be hugely manipulative when we’re not getting our own way and that’s got zero to do with reading social cues. It’s just a different aspect of someone’s personality and being black and white about things often means we’re shit at compromise sometimes.

I agree.
I know someone like Clara and unfortunately she is her own worst enemy.
Another name for Borderline Personality Disorder is Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder ( which is a vey apt name ).
It can be very difficult to cope with.
I can understand why Steph has boundaries.
Clara won’t listen to your advice and needs professional help OP.
Is she getting it ?

She wouldn't even have had to chat with Clara, she'd have been another guest at the party. I accept that others will have different opinions but I will die on the hill that excluding one member of a group is nasty and I would never do it, or associate with someone that did it, or allow my daughter to do it whilst I'm the one planning the parties. My stepdaughter's group of friends has done it and I've told her I think it's cruel and she should either tell the member of the group straight that they don't want to be friends rather than just not tell her when parties happen.

@Ricecrispiesatsix you sound like a lovely person and clearly value the friendship with Clara.
However, her diagnoses don't give her a free pass to behave badly and expect everyone else to just accept it. If she isn't prepared to reflect on her behaviour (as you attempted with her) and understand how it makes other people feel she will go through life with these difficulties making and keeping friendships. Autistic people can and do learn to make adaptations to adjust their social engagement and avoid alienating people.
If she doesn't want to that's her choice but it's going to hold her back in all aspects of her life.

It’s not over because that is who Clara is, she won’t change. OP also says this is what’s happening:

She can also be quite argumentative, sees the world in black and white and has had a few autistic meltdowns when things haven’t gone her way. These look like her shouting, swearing and storming off. Often directed at Steph who has a very different approach to life than Clara.

Why should S be friends with C when S bears the brunt of C’s ‘shouting, swearing and storming off’?

if I was Steph I wouldn’t have invited Clara either. Regardless of her her diagnosis’ she’s too much for Steph. Imagine expecting someone to put up with that on their birthday.

i have some of her diagnoses too and ive never behaved that way and if I did I’d excuse myself from the friendship from the shame alone.

I feel sorry for Clara but I don't blame Steph. It's a birthday party not a psychiatric hospital. It doesn't do anyone any good to pretend that their destructive behaviour is ok and that other people are going to tolerate it long term because in the real world people won't.

Again you’re missing that C’s aggressive behaviour is often targeted at S.

Why should S put up with that in her own home? Is S supposed to sacrifice herself at the altar of C’s meltdowns?

And she wouldn't be "just another guest" we all know that this sort of behaviour will dominate the event and ruin it for everyone else.

Definitely not unreasonable to attend or not invite. A friend of my young adult DD’s ruined her bday party last year in a similar way and was rude to everyone apparently- DD finished the friendship after that (although now they live in different cities it’s not too hard).

I envy your friend Steph and her stress free life 😂 I see both sides too. Perhaps Steph has been through a lot of stress or even trauma herself in the past and just needs to look after herself which she has every right to do. Glad Clara has a good friend like you, she sounds like a lovely person too

It seems like Steph is meant to do exactly that.

I put up with a brother who treated me like absolute crap because of his mental health for far too long, and I reached a point where I had a breakdown and had to cut him off for my own health. I wish I'd done it years earlier.

Steph is allowed to not want to be her friend anymore.

Team Steph. I had an emotionally draining friend and had to cut her out of my life (she wasn’t kind though, she was nasty and jealous). Put yourself in Steph’s shoes here. Why should she have to put up with the drama, knowing her party would be ruined by a crying Clara until 2am? If you want to be Clara’s friend that’s fine, Steph doesn’t have to be.

Well no. Its the screaming and shouting at your mates that means you don't get invited to parties not just crying. But you know that.

Even if Steph hasn’t said loud and clear why she’s not invited, surely Clara must have some self awareness to know it’s her actions on social situations that are getting her excluded

Clara dominates and behaves like this because she has not been challenged.

If someone has set out consequences earlier, perhaps the crying wouldn't have dominated every evening.

I would rather not go out with you than endure such drama.

Steph is entitled to say enough.
She is entitled to choose who is invited to her house.

Clara needs to accept that not everyone feels obliged to put up with her and her drama.

Harsh, but that is real life.
Steph has been tolerating this for a long time.

Being friends with someone whom has to have things exactly as she likes is exhausting.

I have one such friend.
I have now put in firm boundaries again because I have chosen to no longer be as accommodating as I have been.

Most women have life challenges, even if we don't share them.

My bandwidth is now something that I protect zealously.

It is exhausting to be a woman always trying to make everyone comfortable and happy.

That's not what happened. OP said Steph had already stopped inviting Clara to things. This wasn't new.

I suspect Clara noticed no one had mentioned plans for Steph's birthday, presumably unlike previous years. So she asked the group when they were free as a way of confirming they were all busy without her. That would be particularly for the course from the people I knew with BPD.

But now Clara is quitting the hobby that she loves because Steph is there

This is down to Clara. She can and should take some time to depressurise.

I think the rest of the group should keep reinforcing the message that she's still got friends, Steph isn't a bitch, that it's ok to back away from people who shout and swear at you, that Clara belongs at the hobby group just as much as before.

If Clara is capable of recognising her treatment of Steph was the reason she wasn't invited, she can change that behaviour.

As someone with a husband and adult son with ASD/ADHD I know they are capable of looking at damaging behaviours and altering them. It's not easy, but what is?

I had a Clara in our friend group until she found herself a Steph too.

It was utterly horrendous for 2 years as we all walked around on eggshells trying to be Switzerland. But Clara pushed too far and one of the friends said she couldn’t do it anymore. She was impossible to keep happy. I had mentally stepped back before that but I was trying to step carefully as the group hadn’t reached that point.

It is utterly exhausting dealing with a Clara.

I think Steph's the heroine of this drama. Clara clearly has a lot of problems. You chose her to be godmother. Do you regret that now? It's not like you could 'do a Steph on her' because you've kind of made Clara family. I don't want to be unkind but it sounds like you excuse a lot of Clara's bad behaviour which might even enable it. I couldn't cope with Clara or any of that long-winded drama, endless phone calls at night etc. Autism is a condition not an excuse and plenty of autistic people don't behave like that.

Yanbu to go to the party. I don't blame the other friend for taking a step back. Some folk are just too much like hard work.

This handles it perfectly imo…

What was the reaction of this friend group when this "agression" was contually aimed at Steph?

I have decades of personal and professional experience of both. Is that enough?

I actually have an ASD diagnosis, as well as some fatigue-based chronic health issues, and there's no way I could or would have someone like Clara in my own life, it would be far too overwhelming and exhausting.