AIBU to attend a friend’s party when another friend was excluded?

[Ricecrispiesatsix]

I have a group of friends from a mutual hobby. We live locally to each other so share lifts to hobby nights and over the years have become close.

Friend A (let’s call her Clara) is now devastated at friend B (let’s call her Steph) for not inviting her to her birthday party and is furious at me for going to the party.

For context, Clara is not someone who finds life easy. She’s been diagnosed with autism, adhd, borderline personality disorder and depression. She has a dysfunctional family and is basically no contact with her parents, struggles to hold down a job, and struggles to sleep/feed herself properly. She also has a heart of a gold, is one of my best friends, godmother to my daughter and when I broke my foot last year she was absolutely there for us in a very practical way. Still now she’ll often pick up our kids from school and have dinner with us (mutually beneficial as it gets her out the house and eating something nutritious!).

Clara went through a break up last year and for about a year things got really bad. She barely left her house, when she did come to hobby nights she’d cry outside the room while we took it in turns to sit with her. During these months, social occasions would often be dominated by her crying, sometimes until 1 or 2 in the morning. We’d have the same conversations with her over and over again, literally hundreds of times and it was quite emotionally draining.

She can also be quite argumentative, sees the world in black and white and has had a few autistic meltdowns when things haven’t gone her way. These look like her shouting, swearing and storming off. Often directed at Steph who has a very different approach to life than Clara. Steph is the kind of person who dances through life. She’s super bubbly and friendly, successful in her career, has loooads of friends and generally has rock solid boundaries around protecting her free time and her peace.

Steph is basically done. She values having a drama free life and has decided to only spend time with people who bring her joy. She has stopped inviting Clara to her events. Clara is understandably hurt and confused by this and feels excluded.

Last weekend was Steph’s birthday and she had a small party in her garden. On Friday Clara asked in the group chat whether anyone wanted to hang out at the weekend. None of us mentioned Steph’s party, we just gave the times we were free to do something with Clara. Clara then asked me directly “is Steph having a party for her birthday?” and I answered her truthfully. I figured it’d be worse if she found out afterwards that we were all there without her.

Clara spent the entire weekend and next 3 days at home crying. Which is probably an over reaction but Clara has lots of trauma from previous friendships that ended badly and I feel terrible. Should I not have gone to Steph’s party out of solidarity for Clara? And going forward can I be friends with both of them? Steph has clearly said she’s done with Clara’s drama, and Clara thinks Steph is a selfish fuck. I can see both sides. But now Clara is quitting the hobby that she loves because Steph is there and it’s all very sad and difficult.

Sorry it’s long. Hard to strike the right balance between brevity and not drip feeding!

As someone who also sees the world in black and white, why is Clara confused a about the situation?

Objectively, she must understand that she’s not very fun to be around when she’s crying by to the early hours of the morning and needs to have the same conversation 100 times. Has she ever offered this level of support to Steph? I would assume not. So she should understand (but maybe not like) that it was a one sided relationship and that Steph might not want to be around that.

I’d be having the chat with Clara - that you love her very much and want to be her friend, but Steph doesn’t have/doesn’t want to use the emotional capacity that being a friend with Clara entails - and so while they can still be civil, they don’t need to be friends, and that reasonable position doesn’t impact your friendship with either of them.

And Steph might be a selfish fuck, but tbh Clara is coming across as pretty selfish too.

Sounds like there was good reason to not invite her. She would likely ruin it.
You've done nothing wrong by going to the party.
You can't be friends with both, she should not be asking you to take sides.

Clara cannot accept that centralising her feelings is not socially accepted.

Steph doesn't accept that behaviour.

Clara needs to accept that whilst she has every right to feel her feelings, of she won't fit in with social norms, she won't be included. And I know that's hurtful for her, especially as we now seem to live in a world where everyone needs to accept everything all the time in the name of tolerance.

But if Clara believes she has the right to behave honestly in social situations then she has to accept that Steph can too.

Stay out of it and carry on as you are.

this

Has Clara been receiving any support from a trauma informed therapist, because that should be her priority not birthday parties.

I too struggle with trauma from CSA and trauma informed care was life changing. But Clara has to accept that she needs to emotionally support herself, because what happens if you can no longer be her support system OP, life happens beyond our control and you may not always be available to prop Clara up.

I’m curious to learn how Clara will respond to you still being friends with Steph…( and yes you can absolutely be friends with both )

Because if she holds that friendship against you, that’s controlling, and shows a nastier side to her personality and whatever issues she suffers from

like PP’s have said, I understand where both women are coming from but ultimately Steph sounds like a more mature person. Clara has a long way to go, and nobody can do it for her

I know someone with similar diagnoses to Clara and it can be extremely hard work. Clara can't just change how she feels and behaves. The mix of adhd, autism and eupd is a lot to deal with for the person and those around them. E.g. people with adhd often have Rejection Sensivity Dysphoria on top of everything else.
However, i agree with PP that Steph(and everyone) is allowed to put in boundaries. There are consequences for behaviours in life. You can stay friends with both as PP have suggested and say to Clara you're staying out of her falling out with Steph. I also think it would be kind to say something similar to Steph.

I'd say Steph is 100% allowed to invite who she wants to her birthday party. If she has managed to realise that she just wants positive people and no drama in her life while she's in her 30s then I applaud her! Took me way longer than that.

We can all have empathy and compassion for people but when it starts to affect our families and ourselves then it is right to take a step back - as Steph has done.

I'd want to continue being friends with both and would let Clara know that this is the case. If she doesn't like that then it's up to you how you take it but don't let her dictate your life choices and who you can be friends with - regardless of how much she has helped you in the past. Sounds like you do a lot for her too, more than normal friendships go anyway.

edit for typos - damn these long false nails!

Absolutely this.
'We were supportive to you when you were distressed, so now you need to support Steph by accepting the fact she needs a break from things because she is distressed.
I understand that you cant help your meltdowns, and I understand they are so distressing to you, but they are also distressing to us to be on the receiving end when its towards us, even when we know you arent intentionally being hurtful. So just as we supported you when you are having a tough time, this is us supporting Steph when she is having a tough time.
You wouldnt like it if we were mean to you and talked about you behind your back when you were doing what you needed to do for your mental health, so its not fair for you to behave as if Steph has done something wrong by doing the same for herself.
We can all still get along at a mutual hobby and be polite to each other, there is no need to quit, Steph is not going to be rude or difficult to you'

Lay it out explicitly. Although im going to be honest, from where im stood im just not sure anything you could say will land.

I think do you best to smooth over their fall out - they're both upset about it clearly. If that doesn't work, tell them they're both you're friends and you're not going to take sides, then see who you want.

Of course Clara can't just snap out of it, but she needs to realise that her dysregulated behaviour has huge consequences for whether other people want to be around her or not.

Thanks everyone, such thoughtful and helpful comments.

I did actually invite Clara over last night and after the football when kids had gone to bed I tried to have this chat with her. As gently as I could I told her that although I love her very much, it can be emotionally draining for us to have the same conversations again and again and that Steph probably doesn’t have capacity for that.

It did not go well. That was when she called Steph a selfish fuck and then stormed out of my house slamming the door behind her!

I feel that maybe I was insensitive and didn’t handle the conversation well.

To answer a pp, no she always is lovely when she’s with our family. She has never sworn or shouted in front of our kids. She’s like an aunty to them. My eldest has some autistic traits and Clara kind of “gets” her in a way I struggle to. I really value her as a presence in my daughter’s life.

When the kids have gone to bed is often when she’ll start crying.

Up until last night I had never been on the receiving end of a meltdown.

I remember these kinds of situations from my late 30s. All old school friends. I couldn’t invite Jenny to my party because Sally doesn’t want to speak to Jenny. We couldn’t invite Millie to the restaurant because Millie and Molly had been sworn enemies since their late 20s (Millie and Molly are now best friends apparently.) I couldn’t mention Angela’s name in front of Eleanor’s friend because Eleanor’s friend broke up with Angela’s brother when they were 25. I couldn’t keep up with who had fallen out with whom. I got fed up with it in the end, moved a few miles away and have hardly any contact with any of them now, except for a couple of friends who consistently refused to bitch or take sides.

In this exact situation I would not attend Steph’s party, from which Clara is excluded. It sounds as though Clara has difficulties with emotional regulation outwith her control but still wants to be part of social situations. Let people make their decisions about who they invite to their party but realise that this exclusion is likely to be very upsetting to Clara, who is Godmother to your child and has been there for you in a time of need.

Several posters have offered some very good ways to address this problem with Clara, @Ricecrispiesatsix. I would suggest adding the following - “Clara - you know how much I value our friendship, and am grateful for all your help over the years, but I also value Steph’s friendship, and I would ask you please don’t put me in the position of having to choose between you and Steph.”

All these people with hard boundaries and protecting their peace all the time don't seem very kind. If it makes me a bit of a people pleaser that I feel sorry for Clara, and that while I get I have to put on my own oxygen mask first and don't have to set myself on fire to keep her warm, I would still be willing to spend SOME time with her, supporting her, then I don't think being a people pleaser (and yes, I had an actual clinical psychologist friend explain the term) is bad.

I've not got Clara's conditions and her past, but either me, or Steph, or anyone, could be in a terrible situation one day and not want to be abandoned. So I don't think I'd want to be friends with Steph anymore.

I have been Steph in this situation. The Clara in my group (all primary school mums in our 30/40’s) used to get aggressive and/or emotional when drunk. It didn’t seem to stop her from drinking.

She directed her anger/animosity towards me on a few occasions, and it was quite shocking to be honest as I wasn’t used to that sort of behaviour and I’m fairly quiet and reserved in larger group settings. I think she picked on me because I was the least likely in the group to moan about my life, so she probably thought I had it easy compared to her (I didn’t I just kept it to myself).

I was shocked that the wider group (about 6 of us), just put up with this ongoing behaviour and didn’t really say anything to her. They just used to say to me that she shouldn’t have said that, but we know what she’s like and she has a hard life etc etc.

She could be warm and bubbly too, so they just accepted her for who she was. I struggled with this because I was hurt by the interactions we had when she was drunk.

i wasn’t as protective of my boundaries as Steph , and I didn’t like to mention it too much , as everyone just tended to move on, or give her extra support and attention which felt unfair to me. I didn’t feel confident to raise it with her because she was fiery and I wasn’t.

So I just gradually withdrew myself from the friendship group.

I think there are unhealthy reasons you are so attached to clara who lets be honest sounds like a huge drama queen and pain in the arse and you rescueing her everytime is not helping her.....clara is acting like a child as thats how her needs were met as a child,.you need to set some strong boundaries with her otherwise you will do this dance with her forever

OP, you did the right thing to attend the party and Steph did the right thing not inviting Clara. Whilst it is great if everyone can be tolerant of the needs of others, that doesn't translate into having anyone at your house that you don't want to be there, regardless of your reasons. I think you were right to be honest.

I think the best you can do for Clara is to explain that you are friends with her and friends with Steph but you don't all need to do the same things together and you can still see other friends outside of your friendship with Clara. This might need making very clear. Just keep calmly repeating it and don't get into too much other discussion about it.

Clara sounds like she has huge challenges in life, only some of which are of her own making, but I don't think you'd be helping her to suggest she is right about this. She can't preclude you from attending events or having other friendships that exclude her: that isn't how friendship works. It would be wrong to suggest otherwise but equally, I would change the subject when possible and refuse to join in protracted rumination on the topic.

Good luck, OP. You sound like a good friend to Clara. I hope she realises this herself.

You are right to attend the party as Clara, no matter how much sympathy you have with her, cannot be allowed to control your life. This may be a hard lesson for her to learn, and maybe she won't be able to learn it, but for me this would be an absolute boundary that I would be prepared to lose a friend over. Friends do not control other friends.

I would also not accept anyone calling me a nasty name in my home and slamming my doors, but maybe you are prepared to be more flexible about that than I would be.

There's being in a terrible situation and needing support, and then there's being a constant drain on other people. Clara is the latter.
She isn't someone whom I'd choose to spend time with, a birthday party, especially, isn't the place for her to be crying outside while everyone else panders to her. That's her ruining someone else's birthday. If that makes me unkind, then so be it.

Claire sounds manipulative to me.

She comes to the hobby, and then has to have someone outside with her while she cries.
She asks if you can meet up, but that sounds like her trying to find out if Steph has something for her birthday and then tells you she's been crying for 3 days.

She's expecting people to drop everything for her. We're her arguments with Steph about her wanting the attention and Steph refusing to play ball by any chance?

Let her quit the hobby. If she brings it up say something neutral like " if that's what you think is best" because what she really wants is for you to either quit with her or tell Steph to quit. If she finds you won't then she has to face up to it being her behaviour that is the issue, not other people getting on with their lives.

Is this the first time you have called Clara out on her behaviour @Ricecrispiesatsix ?

You likely weren't insensitive at all but you dared to disagree with Clara and were on the receiving end of her rage. This isn't a meltdown at all. Autistic meltdowns are not throwing a tantrum when they don't get their own way.

Have any of you told Clara that she can be overwhelming, and that she tends to dominate people attention? Set boundaries? Pandered less to her dramatic behaviour? You know, given her an actual chance to do better?

You definitely shouldn't let your friendship with Clara affect your friendship with Steph. You can absolutely be friends with both provided none of them brings the other person up in conversation of gossipy nature.

This all sounds like standard borderline personality disorder behavior. Knowing how much insight Clara has into her condition may help you help her. You are willing to accept and love her as she is, which is great for both of you. Nobody is the bad guy in this scenario - not Clara, who can't help it, nor Steph, who just wanted a peaceful, enjoyable birthday party, and you least of all. You're just trying to do right by them both. I agree with the posters who say a frank but reassuring conversation with Clara is needed.

You can spend your time with whoever you please, if she doesn’t like it, that’s her issue, not yours.

Perhaps as has been suggested, you could try and do something fun with Clara separately