AIBU to attend a friend’s party when another friend was excluded?

[Ricecrispiesatsix]

I have a group of friends from a mutual hobby. We live locally to each other so share lifts to hobby nights and over the years have become close.

Friend A (let’s call her Clara) is now devastated at friend B (let’s call her Steph) for not inviting her to her birthday party and is furious at me for going to the party.

For context, Clara is not someone who finds life easy. She’s been diagnosed with autism, adhd, borderline personality disorder and depression. She has a dysfunctional family and is basically no contact with her parents, struggles to hold down a job, and struggles to sleep/feed herself properly. She also has a heart of a gold, is one of my best friends, godmother to my daughter and when I broke my foot last year she was absolutely there for us in a very practical way. Still now she’ll often pick up our kids from school and have dinner with us (mutually beneficial as it gets her out the house and eating something nutritious!).

Clara went through a break up last year and for about a year things got really bad. She barely left her house, when she did come to hobby nights she’d cry outside the room while we took it in turns to sit with her. During these months, social occasions would often be dominated by her crying, sometimes until 1 or 2 in the morning. We’d have the same conversations with her over and over again, literally hundreds of times and it was quite emotionally draining.

She can also be quite argumentative, sees the world in black and white and has had a few autistic meltdowns when things haven’t gone her way. These look like her shouting, swearing and storming off. Often directed at Steph who has a very different approach to life than Clara. Steph is the kind of person who dances through life. She’s super bubbly and friendly, successful in her career, has loooads of friends and generally has rock solid boundaries around protecting her free time and her peace.

Steph is basically done. She values having a drama free life and has decided to only spend time with people who bring her joy. She has stopped inviting Clara to her events. Clara is understandably hurt and confused by this and feels excluded.

Last weekend was Steph’s birthday and she had a small party in her garden. On Friday Clara asked in the group chat whether anyone wanted to hang out at the weekend. None of us mentioned Steph’s party, we just gave the times we were free to do something with Clara. Clara then asked me directly “is Steph having a party for her birthday?” and I answered her truthfully. I figured it’d be worse if she found out afterwards that we were all there without her.

Clara spent the entire weekend and next 3 days at home crying. Which is probably an over reaction but Clara has lots of trauma from previous friendships that ended badly and I feel terrible. Should I not have gone to Steph’s party out of solidarity for Clara? And going forward can I be friends with both of them? Steph has clearly said she’s done with Clara’s drama, and Clara thinks Steph is a selfish fuck. I can see both sides. But now Clara is quitting the hobby that she loves because Steph is there and it’s all very sad and difficult.

Sorry it’s long. Hard to strike the right balance between brevity and not drip feeding!

My son finds it “ludicrous and embarrassing” the idea of everyone “doing a quick google” on adaptations for those with AUD, as though they’re all one homogeneous mass. Added to which, what makes autism more important than all the other conditions out there? Or do you spend your life googling how to adapt to every diagnosis out there?

As I've said multiple times, a Google search is a starting point, which gives you some ideas about the kinds of things that many autistic people might struggle with and potential adaptations that can help.

Step 2 is to listen to autistic people about what might help them specifically.

And it doesn't take your whole life. If employers can be legally obligated to do it and still run businesses, then you can do it for your friends and family. Unless you don't care about making the environments you control inclusive.

No employer would put up with a staff member verbally abusing another- shouting and swearing at them and being aggressive - that would be bullying and grounds for dismissal so your analogy actually backs up what others have said in this thread- this behaviour is not acceptable. Its not acceptable in the work place and its not acceptable in friendships

a number of posters with an autism diagnosis strongly disagree with you

You are doing this for every condition out there?

“Listen to autistic people”

”‘Not those ones”

Right? It's less 'listen to autistic people' and more 'shut up unless you agree with me.

Listen to this person.

If you repeatedly shout and scream at me, I do not mind why you are doing it. I will be declining your company henceforth.

As much as I can yes, certainly when someone makes me aware that they need it.
@InterIgnis listen to all autistic people- in fact, all people full stop. And if they say, "Please ignore my needs completely and go ahead making this environment hostile for me," by all means, do that for them- I've never met any person who wants that but according to this thread the world is full of them.

Noone said “ignore all my needs” they said they didn’t agree with your opinion.

which is perfectly valid. You don’t speak for everyone with autism and it’s staggeringly arrogant to claim you do

I didn't say that. You made that up to suit your narrative. I said you should listen to autistic people. And I said if Clara is repeatedly melting down but only around Steph, it might be Steph that's the problem.

No one is owed friendship, and especially not someone that screams and swears when they don’t get their way.

You’re not asking for people to make allowances, you’re asking for them to prostrate themselves at the feet of individuals that are, to not put too fine a point on it, abusive. Autism is, in itself, not an excuse to avoid having to suffer the social consequences of shitty behavior. No one is obliged to accept abuse ‘because autism’.

Steph isn’t the problem because she won’t dance to Clara’s tune.

A personality mismatch isn't either persons fault. Would Clara consider therapy? It sounds like her coping strategies are making her life harder.

Clara sounds exhausting to be honest.

Clara spent the entire weekend and next 3 days at home crying. Which is probably an over reaction but Clara has lots of trauma from previous friendships that ended badly

From the OP, suggesting it’s not a personality clash with just Steph or that Steph is somehow alone in provoking Clara, as a couple of people are unfairly implying.

Clara has other friendships which have ended badly, possibly because she screamed and shouted at them and they chose not to tolerate it. Which was their right. There’s a pattern and Clara is the common denominator.

I'm bowing out of this thread but OP- you have a majority of people saying that this is Clara's own fault and Clara is an aggressive person who is a risk to your children, and Steph is blameless.

You know Clara and you know her personality.

It's down to you to work out if Clara is just an angry and abusive person, in which case you, and others, have made an error of judgement by allowing her to care for your children and pets, or if there is more to this situation and a reason why Clara feels betrayed.

They can't both be right, and you're going to have to come down off the fence eventually.

Autism itself is so diverse, a search won't help that much. A search might lead to making assumptions about someone and their needs. That is not at all helpful.

I know autistic people who don't tell anyone they are autistic for just this reason. Assumptions lead to them being treated differently or incorrectly. So they just keep it to themselves.

Clara sounds so disordered that I even if people like Steph "educated themselves" about her condition it's not going to be enough to help Clara or prevent the meltdowns. An understanding of why someone behaves badly doesn't necessarily make it easier to take the abuse.

I would go to the party, and understand why she wasn't invited.

It doesn’t accomplish anything by you not going.

Steph can invite whomever she likes to her party and you were not wrong to go just because Clara wasn't invited.

Clara's reaction was a bit dramatic.

so right

“Autistic people”

like one solid homogenous mass.

so offensive

Yes you did.

People with an ASD diagnosis disagreed with you in this thread and you poured scorn on them and brushed them off with sarcasm. You arent "listening to autistic" people yourself.

I will say it again -verbally abusing someone is always the fault of the person doing it. It is never acceptable to shout, swear and scream at someone or call them names. Anything other than this is victim blaming.

Also- by your own rationale, if you think Steph is a "problem" and is causing Clara to have meltdowns then Steph has done the RIGHT thing by removing herself from Clara's life hasn't she? Steph isnt the one escalating things here, all she has done is quietly withdraw. Clara is the one keeping this going and dragging other people into this drama triangle. Why would Clara even want a "selfish fuck" in her life??

Yes, that’s a well-known cure and often recommended by NHS crisis teams.