AIBU to attend a friend’s party when another friend was excluded?

[Ricecrispiesatsix]

I have a group of friends from a mutual hobby. We live locally to each other so share lifts to hobby nights and over the years have become close.

Friend A (let’s call her Clara) is now devastated at friend B (let’s call her Steph) for not inviting her to her birthday party and is furious at me for going to the party.

For context, Clara is not someone who finds life easy. She’s been diagnosed with autism, adhd, borderline personality disorder and depression. She has a dysfunctional family and is basically no contact with her parents, struggles to hold down a job, and struggles to sleep/feed herself properly. She also has a heart of a gold, is one of my best friends, godmother to my daughter and when I broke my foot last year she was absolutely there for us in a very practical way. Still now she’ll often pick up our kids from school and have dinner with us (mutually beneficial as it gets her out the house and eating something nutritious!).

Clara went through a break up last year and for about a year things got really bad. She barely left her house, when she did come to hobby nights she’d cry outside the room while we took it in turns to sit with her. During these months, social occasions would often be dominated by her crying, sometimes until 1 or 2 in the morning. We’d have the same conversations with her over and over again, literally hundreds of times and it was quite emotionally draining.

She can also be quite argumentative, sees the world in black and white and has had a few autistic meltdowns when things haven’t gone her way. These look like her shouting, swearing and storming off. Often directed at Steph who has a very different approach to life than Clara. Steph is the kind of person who dances through life. She’s super bubbly and friendly, successful in her career, has loooads of friends and generally has rock solid boundaries around protecting her free time and her peace.

Steph is basically done. She values having a drama free life and has decided to only spend time with people who bring her joy. She has stopped inviting Clara to her events. Clara is understandably hurt and confused by this and feels excluded.

Last weekend was Steph’s birthday and she had a small party in her garden. On Friday Clara asked in the group chat whether anyone wanted to hang out at the weekend. None of us mentioned Steph’s party, we just gave the times we were free to do something with Clara. Clara then asked me directly “is Steph having a party for her birthday?” and I answered her truthfully. I figured it’d be worse if she found out afterwards that we were all there without her.

Clara spent the entire weekend and next 3 days at home crying. Which is probably an over reaction but Clara has lots of trauma from previous friendships that ended badly and I feel terrible. Should I not have gone to Steph’s party out of solidarity for Clara? And going forward can I be friends with both of them? Steph has clearly said she’s done with Clara’s drama, and Clara thinks Steph is a selfish fuck. I can see both sides. But now Clara is quitting the hobby that she loves because Steph is there and it’s all very sad and difficult.

Sorry it’s long. Hard to strike the right balance between brevity and not drip feeding!

Clara is probably fine with your children until they get to an age where they are more likely to assert themselves in ways she doesn't appreciate. I would be careful because this is almost inevitable.

I feel for Clara but I totally understand why Steph hasn't invited her to the party. It takes time and effort to organise a party. You want to have fun and for that effort to pay off. Clara has a history of making things about her and making things about her emotional meltdowns. I wouldn't invite her either, as harsh as that may feel. The last thing we need is for a fun party to turn into a comfort Clara fest.

I genuinely do feel for Clara but have to side with Steph.

Why hasn't anyone suggested behavior modification to Clara? Not everything is a tragedy. She needs more strategies to help her navigate the slings and arrows of life. If she has a psychiatrist or a counselor, or a group for her condition (if not, she needs one) she can be referred to a behavioral therapist. Her responses are black and white which is the problem. She needs assistance that you can't give her, nor can your friends. But there are people who can. Help her find this.

Rejection sensitivity disorder in people with adhd and autism is extremely painful so I can understand why she feels so upset, but I can see Stephs perspective too, especially if she is Neurotypical, it’ll all seem very dramatic and self centred to her.
Fortunately Clara has you as a friend who understands her issues well and knows her heart is in the right place.
I’d still go to stephs party and I’d spend some time with Clara separately. autistic people appreciate straight talking so don’t be afraid to tell her that because of some of her behaviour it’s caused Steph to distance herself because Steph doesn’t get it. It’s nobody’s fault just a clash of personalities

Clara would be the only character that your hackneyed MN "clever response" works for. OP and Steph, not so much.

A) Clara does not appreciate strsight talking. She’s had plenty of it from OP but it makes her angry .

B) Steph does “get it” as she has previously participated in the “all about Clara” show but now simply doesn’t want to.

A casual, hobby based, acquaintance is not a blood oath or a marriage. Steph is not obligated to baby or carry Clara just because they once belonged to the Swansbourough all England Sing About Proust Contest Team.

Sometimes, for your own well being or that of your family, you need to take a step back, even though you have plenty of empathy. None of us have to sacrifice ourselves for someone else.

This

I'm 37, most of my family are ND and when I worked at Screwfix roughly half of my colleagues were as well, plus some of my friends are.

Clara sounds like an attention seeker. She knows what buttons to press. I don't think she would enjoy the party anyway.

I'm autistic, I've not RTFT but have the following thoughts.

1. Autistic people get themselves in a tangle sometimes and need help getting unstuck. You need clear strong boundaries. Sitting with while she cries for months most likely hasn't helped her.
2. It's not acceptable for her to dump her break up on her friends to this extent. She needs professional counselling if she can't find a way to let this go and move on.
3. Autistic people are all about transparency and fairness. She'd likely feel awful about not including everyone equally and wouldn't choose to leave someone out, so to have this done to her is especially hard. However most people don't think like that and it might be worth reminding her that this is very much an autistic viewpoint and it's okay not to invite everyone to everything all the time. Tell her you didn't mind not being invited previously.
4. It's Steph's party so it's up to her who she invites. It's absolutely fine for you to go without Clara being there.
5. If you have an autistic child and are still emphasising with Clara when your other friends have had enough, then you might want to look into whether you're autistic too.

HTH.

The prevalence of autism is 1 in 100 - 1 million people are diagnosed in England alone. Autistic people sometimes don’t like to share their diagnosis, and no wonder.

In the UK, behaviour modification is not recommended as a treatment for autism. The National Institute for Health and Care Excellence (NICE) does not recommend this. Instead, people are put on a waiting list for cognitive behavioural therapy and can wait for over a year to receive 3 hours of therapy in total, spread over six 30-minute sessions.

Blimey! Someone’s had their coffee already! 🤣

Maybe this will be a useful thing in the long term for Clara to learn and reflect that her behaviour ( crying at social events for hours on repeated basis ) is not acceptable social behaviour .
Life is not just a support network and many people want to enjoy their leisure time.

Whilst Steph was not kind with the WhatsApp group , it sounds like she is at the end of her tether with Clara.
You should go to the party and enjoy it. You can support Clara in a private way but perhaps the group space is not the right time or place for it.

Sorry, but no not all autistic people are all about transparency and fairness. Some are. Not all.

Fucking hell OP you've way more patience than me. Having a friend who just cannot stop venting/crying/generally moaning about their life every bloody time you see them is EXHAUSTING.

A girl I knew in my 20s did this non stop after her nan died, honestly it went on for months despite the nan being very elderly and unwell. People did quietly stop inviting her to stuff because they wanted to have a fun time when they went out, not sit there being an audience to her going on and on and ON.

I'm not surprised Steph's had enough.

Just tell Clara look it's sad you and Steph aren't seeing eye to eye at the moment, but this isn't my fault and I want to stay friends with both of you, so I'm not going to be taking sides. Please don't ask me to.

Well said. What surprises me is that some people in this thread claim to have such a deep understanding of mental health, talk about making allowances for others, and describe themselves as highly empathetic yet they seem perfectly comfortable assuming that Steph must live a breezy, perfect life.

It's incredibly naive to think that because someone appears happy, calm, or easygoing, they couldn't possibly be dealing with anxiety or other mental health struggles. Time and again, when someone tragically takes their own life, people say, "We had no idea." There was even a campaign encouraging people to "check on your happy friends" because the brightest smiles can often hide the hardest battles.

To be clear, I'm not saying that's the case with Steph, I don't know her, and neither does anyone else here. My point is simply that it's unreasonable to assume she has a perfect life with no personal struggles. She may have her own reasons for setting boundaries or protecting herself when it comes to Clara. Just because she isn't openly crying or expressing her pain the way Clara does doesn't mean she isn't dealing with challenges of her own.

I also agree with PP about Clara's relationship with your kids changing as they grow up. As soon as they start wanting to forge their own friendships and expressing their own views I suspect Clara will not take that well so I would be careful of that OP.

What was the relationship like before it ended ?

Brilliant post

Thanks again everyone.

It’s interesting that so many people have been concerned about Clara with the kids. I have considered it and I honestly I don’t think the concerns are justified in this instance.

Firstly because my kids are already old enough to be argumentative, they don’t agree with her on everything or worship the ground she walks on, they are often busy with their own friends and the eldest has a door key so doesn’t need to be picked up from school. Clara can be pretty strict with them. She certainly doesn’t think they’re little angels! In

My kids are old enough that they can understand neurodiversity and Clara talks openly about being autistic and how it affects her life. So if in future Clara were to shout or swear at them (which I still think is highly unlikely) they would understand that it’s Clara’s problem and not theirs.

No one who knows Clara in real life has ever expressed concern about her babysitting kids - either mine or their own.

Has Clara been in contact to apologise for shouting and storming out of your house yet @Ricecrispiesatsix

@Ricecrispiesatsix

Then if Clara can control herself around certain people that indicates its behavioural and manipulative rather than just being an automatic effect of her autism....

It's good she's fine with your kids at this time. Hopefully it stays that way, but be watchful all the same.

It's also very important that you set a good example of personal boundaries to your children. They will learn a lot from that that they will take into their adult lives and own difficult relationships. As the daughter of a mother with poor boundaries in this way, please do model good boundaries for your children.

CaramelCaramac · Today 07:25

In the UK, behaviour modification is not recommended as a treatment for autism. The National Institute for Health and Care Excellence (NICE) does not recommend this. Instead, people are put on a waiting list for cognitive behavioural therapy and can wait for over a year to receive 3 hours of therapy in total, spread over six 30-minute sessions.

CBT reads like it is a really great long term solution for changing or interrupting looped thought processes. But 3 hours seems like a short period of time for an autistic person to change the way they think. It muskt be very effective. This woman has some sad self-destructive habits such as the long spells of crying and self-isolation as her go-to solutions. I thought how much better she would feel if she went for a run, a walk, or rode a bicycle for 30 minutes.

This might be why you’re questioning yourself and what to do - do you feel guilt? She helps you so you need to help her? I don’t think either person is wrong - Clara has been dealt a difficult life, health issues etc and Steph is well within her right to protect herself.

I personally only put up with this sort of drama when it’s someone I really love and have compassion for (can separate them from their illnesss etc) and would rather have in my life (with boundaries) than cut out - this is usually my immediate family members. However I’m thinking on the lines of severe and enduring mental health, I’m not sure autism etc is the same - no idea about this.