AIBU to attend a friend’s party when another friend was excluded?

[Ricecrispiesatsix]

I have a group of friends from a mutual hobby. We live locally to each other so share lifts to hobby nights and over the years have become close.

Friend A (let’s call her Clara) is now devastated at friend B (let’s call her Steph) for not inviting her to her birthday party and is furious at me for going to the party.

For context, Clara is not someone who finds life easy. She’s been diagnosed with autism, adhd, borderline personality disorder and depression. She has a dysfunctional family and is basically no contact with her parents, struggles to hold down a job, and struggles to sleep/feed herself properly. She also has a heart of a gold, is one of my best friends, godmother to my daughter and when I broke my foot last year she was absolutely there for us in a very practical way. Still now she’ll often pick up our kids from school and have dinner with us (mutually beneficial as it gets her out the house and eating something nutritious!).

Clara went through a break up last year and for about a year things got really bad. She barely left her house, when she did come to hobby nights she’d cry outside the room while we took it in turns to sit with her. During these months, social occasions would often be dominated by her crying, sometimes until 1 or 2 in the morning. We’d have the same conversations with her over and over again, literally hundreds of times and it was quite emotionally draining.

She can also be quite argumentative, sees the world in black and white and has had a few autistic meltdowns when things haven’t gone her way. These look like her shouting, swearing and storming off. Often directed at Steph who has a very different approach to life than Clara. Steph is the kind of person who dances through life. She’s super bubbly and friendly, successful in her career, has loooads of friends and generally has rock solid boundaries around protecting her free time and her peace.

Steph is basically done. She values having a drama free life and has decided to only spend time with people who bring her joy. She has stopped inviting Clara to her events. Clara is understandably hurt and confused by this and feels excluded.

Last weekend was Steph’s birthday and she had a small party in her garden. On Friday Clara asked in the group chat whether anyone wanted to hang out at the weekend. None of us mentioned Steph’s party, we just gave the times we were free to do something with Clara. Clara then asked me directly “is Steph having a party for her birthday?” and I answered her truthfully. I figured it’d be worse if she found out afterwards that we were all there without her.

Clara spent the entire weekend and next 3 days at home crying. Which is probably an over reaction but Clara has lots of trauma from previous friendships that ended badly and I feel terrible. Should I not have gone to Steph’s party out of solidarity for Clara? And going forward can I be friends with both of them? Steph has clearly said she’s done with Clara’s drama, and Clara thinks Steph is a selfish fuck. I can see both sides. But now Clara is quitting the hobby that she loves because Steph is there and it’s all very sad and difficult.

Sorry it’s long. Hard to strike the right balance between brevity and not drip feeding!

I knew a mum friend like Clara. Had to cut her loose for my mental health. I’ve had her regale and entire room on my birthday about the day her father died (20 odd years ago), the death not my birthday. Everything had to be about her and other conversations withered on the vine when she was around. I’m pleasant and chatty to her and have been in her company in larger
groups since that time. That was about two years ago. She has had the same thing happen to her endless times since and worn other people out, till they too stepped away. It’s all very well being there for a person in need and I love a deep and meaningful as much as the next man. Selfishly though somtimes I just want to put on a fancy frock, talk shite, dance, neck champagne and have fun. Think I might be team Steph.

Steph may be nice to have around but Clara is your true friend, she helps you a lot.

Being neuro divergent doesn't derseve the ridicule and comments on here, just shows how horribly, pathetically judgey some people are.

Are there other groups like the one you currently attend? Could you start your own?

I'd probably move slightly away from Steph, she's self absorbed and lacks empathy. We all want an easy life, but at the expense of someone who needs positive direction and support would not be a route I'd choose.

Clara needs professional help for her issues, especially the emotional outbursts, kind or not she sounds severely unhappy,

I don’t blame Steph for phasing her out, time is precious, if she doesn’t want to spend her time around Clara and is drained thats her choice

How can you trust to to have sole care of your children given all that you have said about her on this thread @Ricecrispiesatsix ?

You accused a PP of not being able to diagnose over the internet. But you're quite happy to say a diagnosis is wrong. Based on your reckons. People do receive incorrect diagnoses but her screaming slamming crying and triangulating does sound more EUPD than autistic meltdown.

And I am very very experienced with both. Before you say I'm ignorant.

Steph sounds less blameless than the original OP. But not a grade A bitch like PP said.

Clara is a mess. The OP is unwise to let her around her children unsupervised. Friends are people we like, not people who help out.

I've not read every response here, so apologies if I've missed anything, but this sounds so typical of borderline personality disorder.
I have read quite a bit about it, and rejection is apparently pretty devastating for someone with this disorder. Add autism and ADHD to the profile, and it's likely that she sees Steph's boundary as an attack.
I think it's described as "splitting" and even a small slight can make a BPD person see the other as completely bad.
You are absolutely entitled to stay on the fence with this. They are both your friends, but I'd say it's pretty likely that she views your objectivity as taking sides with your more boundaried friend, who has clearly had enough.
It sounds exhausting for you. It sounds horrendous for her, but your other friend is entitled to have a celebration without it being ruined. You've done nothing wrong, it actually sounds like you're a really lovely friend who has tried very hard to protect her feelings and understand her. However, she should not be in a position to make you feel guilty for keeping out of it.

Whatever Clara’s condition is, it’s on her to get appropriate support to diagnose and manage it. She’s not, therefore it’s hardly unreasonable for anyone to decline being around someone entirely disregulated.

Sometimes you need to evaluate whether you’re getting happiness or angst from a relationship. As much as Clara has helped in the past, that’s been more than negated by having to manage her. I feel for you OP. I’ve been in the same situation and it’s tough. I ended up going very low contact with someone who had provided a lot of support over the years, simply because the relationship was so draining. I didn’t do it lightly, and still think of her often. However my life is immeasurably better not having to deal with her issues. Wishing you well, and be kind to yourself

You should absolutely go to the party. Its Steph's decision to give up on their friendship. Sometimes people get to the stage where enough is enough. You choose to have a friendship with Clara which is fine but she sounds like hard work. Steph probably doesn't want Clara spoiling her party.
You do the right thing not to lie to Clara but you need to live you life for you. Sometimes we dont like things that happen in life. As a friend to Clara maybe you could give some of the examples to her that you have shared on here, and then explain how her behaviour can affect friendships. The truth hurts but if she carries on she will end up with no-one. I realise she is autistic but I know several autistic adults, including my son, and they are capable of controlling, masking emotions etc somewhat.

The most obviously self absorbed person in this situation is Clara, who seemingly has a habit of demanding Steph subscribe to The Clara Show.

Being neurodivergent doesn’t mean the world revolves around Clara, or that Steph obliged to take whatever shit Clara throws at her.

What have I said that makes you think she is untrustworthy to look after children?

She has a heart of gold. I’ve known her a really long time now and it would be completely out of character for her to harm a child or an animal. She’s hugely empathic. She takes responsibility very seriously.

When she’s in a bad place, having someone or something to look after is often the only thing that pulls her out of it.

Yes she shouts and swears occasionally but it’s not all the time, it’s only at quite specific triggers and it’s NEVER at children. She’s actually very patient with them. My kids adore her.

I could be Steph.

The Clara in my life has no clue why I stopped inviting even it's very easy to understand and I have tried to be kind.
Yes, my Clara has a hard of gold too but she is very hard work too and only acts helpful then she wants - expects me to do it 24/7.

Tbh it's not enough to include drama all the time and not enough for my mental health. Our Clara is Asperger diagnosed late. I have known her for 25 years. Put up with it until a few years ago.
We share friends in a similiar setting and I see her something like twice a month in this setting.

I have given up. I have my own life to manage (which most may not realise and Clara has no clue) and I am not responsible for Clara.

Yes she shouts and swears occasionally but it’s not all the time, it’s only at quite specific triggers and it’s NEVER at children. She’s actually very patient with them.

So she’s able to be pleasant and civil when it suits her. Shame she didn’t choose to behave better towards Steph before it was too late.

She's able to be pleasant and civil when she is not in an autistic meltdown caused by specific triggers which maybe if NT people could occasionally adapt to others instead of constantly expecting autistic people to adapt to them, could be avoided.

So we are all meant to read up on autism so we know how we should be adapting to them?

It is concerning that you don’t seem to think that anything you have written about Clara would indicate that she should not be left in sole charge of young children. Very concerning. But I suppose does explain why you do leave your children alone under her care.

How about just listening to us, that would be a good start.

so you think Steph didn’t “listen” to Clara and that’s the issue?

You will meet autism being a part of a workplace, a friends' group or being a primary school parent - and it's not that hard to know the basic.

But ND isn't an excuse to be a nuisance. At all.

And if listening isn't enough?

I am 45

i honestly can’t think of any friend, acquaintance or work colleague that has said they are autistic or that I think they are. And no family does

And that's great but don't expect Steph to have the same relationship with Clara.

Okay we have had several children with autism in school and around. ND isn't that uncommom I think.

I think you would be doing Clara a kindness to explain why Steph has moved on from her, directly. She’s “hurt and confused” that someone doesn’t want to have her at their events when all she does is cry? Often derailing the event. While many people will say it’s a kindness to Clara I think you all need to start saying something like “Clara you’ve been crying for 3 hours now, I think you need to take this up with your GP/mental health support/ counselor/therapist ect. Would you like me to come with you and hold your hand at next appointment ?” She’s not moved forward in the last year and it’s above what one would expect from a friendship