AIBU to attend a friend’s party when another friend was excluded?

[Ricecrispiesatsix]

I have a group of friends from a mutual hobby. We live locally to each other so share lifts to hobby nights and over the years have become close.

Friend A (let’s call her Clara) is now devastated at friend B (let’s call her Steph) for not inviting her to her birthday party and is furious at me for going to the party.

For context, Clara is not someone who finds life easy. She’s been diagnosed with autism, adhd, borderline personality disorder and depression. She has a dysfunctional family and is basically no contact with her parents, struggles to hold down a job, and struggles to sleep/feed herself properly. She also has a heart of a gold, is one of my best friends, godmother to my daughter and when I broke my foot last year she was absolutely there for us in a very practical way. Still now she’ll often pick up our kids from school and have dinner with us (mutually beneficial as it gets her out the house and eating something nutritious!).

Clara went through a break up last year and for about a year things got really bad. She barely left her house, when she did come to hobby nights she’d cry outside the room while we took it in turns to sit with her. During these months, social occasions would often be dominated by her crying, sometimes until 1 or 2 in the morning. We’d have the same conversations with her over and over again, literally hundreds of times and it was quite emotionally draining.

She can also be quite argumentative, sees the world in black and white and has had a few autistic meltdowns when things haven’t gone her way. These look like her shouting, swearing and storming off. Often directed at Steph who has a very different approach to life than Clara. Steph is the kind of person who dances through life. She’s super bubbly and friendly, successful in her career, has loooads of friends and generally has rock solid boundaries around protecting her free time and her peace.

Steph is basically done. She values having a drama free life and has decided to only spend time with people who bring her joy. She has stopped inviting Clara to her events. Clara is understandably hurt and confused by this and feels excluded.

Last weekend was Steph’s birthday and she had a small party in her garden. On Friday Clara asked in the group chat whether anyone wanted to hang out at the weekend. None of us mentioned Steph’s party, we just gave the times we were free to do something with Clara. Clara then asked me directly “is Steph having a party for her birthday?” and I answered her truthfully. I figured it’d be worse if she found out afterwards that we were all there without her.

Clara spent the entire weekend and next 3 days at home crying. Which is probably an over reaction but Clara has lots of trauma from previous friendships that ended badly and I feel terrible. Should I not have gone to Steph’s party out of solidarity for Clara? And going forward can I be friends with both of them? Steph has clearly said she’s done with Clara’s drama, and Clara thinks Steph is a selfish fuck. I can see both sides. But now Clara is quitting the hobby that she loves because Steph is there and it’s all very sad and difficult.

Sorry it’s long. Hard to strike the right balance between brevity and not drip feeding!

Given the attitudes you've displayed on this thread, I'm not surprised no-one has disclosed to you.

I don’t think it’s uncommon

but I’m not about to start reading up on autism so I can adapt to them on the chance that I interact with someone with autism

What attitude is that?

That I’m not going to research autism so that I can adapt to them

that Clara doesn’t sound as though she should be left in sole charge of young kids?

Your children are not zoloft for her depression. Also: they won’t be children forever. Its extremely common for a Clara—whatever the diagnosis—to be attentive and patient with children but stop being able to handle them when they get older, have their own opinions, or stop worshipping her, or get busy with their own friends. Clara is emotionally immature and do she gets along well with children who are immature in an appropriate way. When they mature they may challenge her as much as adults do.

It’s a wee bit victim blamy isn’t it.

This is so true, I’ve seen this happen.

I mean read your last comment, you're not going to even do a quick Google search to avoid making "them" uncomfortable and you have a good indication as to why no autistic person would think there was any point telling you about it, as you clearly value your comfort much, much more highly than you do anyone else's.

so all autistic people are one lump and the the way NT people would need to adapt to accommodate is the same for every single autistic person?

Sounds like mean girl behaviour, considering she sails through life like you said, what harm would it cause to invite Clara! Not nice behaviour she wont understand how much this exclusion affects neurodivergent people. Just horrible

I have never ever seen or known anyone to behave like or even remotely close to Clara. Does that mean then I have never met any autistic person?

No, but you can start by indicating that you would like to find out more and have done a bit of basic research.

I know who I can trust within my organisation because they are the ones who say, "I've done a bit of reading, I know about some of the common ways in which the world is not set up for autistic people and how we can make things more tolerable for them, what else can I do to help make this organisation welcoming to ND people of all types? I'm ready to learn."

NOT the ones who say "It's not my job to put myself out in even a tiny way to ensure I'm not making this a hostile environment for others."

And 1/10 people is ND so you know loads, fwiw.

“A quick Google search” will apparently tell me the adaptations that suits every single autistic person? So there’s no individualities… just one mass and the same adaptations apply to all and would be covered in a “quick google search” 🤔

why stop at autism?

do you research every single condition that exists so you can adapt to their needs?

Actually, as much as possible, yes.

I use dyslexia friendly fonts, I make sure any diagrams I produce in reports are colour blind friendly, if I'm giving a presentation I make accommodations to ensure it's accessible for hearing impairments, I consider anxiety, ADHD and autism when I'm planning meetings, and BECAUSE I openly say that I want to support an inclusive workplace, people often tell me when something isn't working for them and disclose conditions that make certain things harder, which gives me the opportunity to tailor things that I do to make sure it's inclusive for everyone, not just NT people and not just AuDHD people like myself.

It takes the bare minimum of extra time to just consider what makes people comfortable, and it's a damn sight quicker and less difficult than recruitment, and a lot cheaper than having thousands of ND people out of work too.

That is surely a fraction or the conditions out there that would benefit from adaptations. You have a lot of reading to do!
And on that note… I’m off to bed!

Absolutely, I named a handful right there, and as I learn about them, I take them into consideration. I don't just say I can't be arsed like you have done.

Well now Im excited!

I feel sorry for poor Clara, she sounds like a mess and needs help and yet again a door is being slammed in her face. I’d be urging her to get some counselling or join a support group or something like that, to give her more people to lean on and make new connections with nice, understanding people. It’s a shame that Steph with all her luck in life doesn’t want to be kind to Clara, but you can’t control her as people have said.

But Steph has been kind to Clara in the past. She has just finally been exhausted by Clara’s demands for emotional support.

People seem really willing to spend Steph’s time/money/birthday freely on Clara. Snd a lot of people are pretending they would never (!) choose their own peace of mind or social life over the world’s walking wounded but they are just posing for the crowd. Hell most mumsnetter’s won’t even open the door to a stranger much less invite someone they don’t want to include to a party.

It is a sad fact that people with a character profile like Clara’s eventually wear out their welcome with lots of people who start out with the intention of including or befriending her. That’s because many of her coping skills include making exhausting demands on others for support or failing to read the room and ending interactions gracefully. With the best will in the world laypeople aren’t always able to manage these demands or want to see special occasions turn into drama and recriminations because Clara’s needs haven’t been met or expectations were frustrated.

I want to add that I am sincerely sorry for Clara and have worked in a professional capacity with various Claras. She is displaying behaviors which are just much too demanding for most casual friendships to support. Professional help is required to help her achieve enough self regulation to manage friendships without blowing them up.

Yanbu. It’s great you are friends with Clara, but she’s not going to be for everyone with how she is. There are consequences in life.

She can’t control you.

You sound like a very kind and understanding friend.

As someone with ADHD, autism and who has experienced some serious mental health struggles in my time, I understand what it’s like to be Clara. However one of the things that you have to accept is that if your struggles are spilling over into your friendships and taking up a lot of space, some people are going to find that too much and that is OK. We all have different thresholds for handling other people’s emotional stuff and it does sound like your friend has been very full on.

You are absolutely allowed to go to the party. Clara might be hurt about this, but she needs to grow up a bit. Life is awfully hard for some people, but it’s really not OK to expect others to have an endless capacity for tolerating your emotional mess.

Clara has shouted and sworn at Steph. So of course she isn’t going to get invited to her small birthday party. It’s ridiculous of her to think she’d be invited.

You are perfectly reasonable to be friends with both of them, and to go to Steph’s party.

But Clara has shouted and sworn at Steph during her meltdowns. Why should Steph “be kind” (hate that expression) after that?

I think this may be a cautionary tale about the dangers of being too quick to prioritise the needs and interests of those who wear their hearts on sleeve over those who are more intensely private.
It was clear from the opening post that you're not close to Steph and don't know her well, from the way you describe her as breezy and untroubled by life's challenges. She may be one of the very small number who's gotten through unscathed, but I suspect, if you ever do get to know her better, you'll be embarrased to have described her this way.
Steph will have good reason for her cup emptying more quickly than yours. She doesn't share that with all the world, but it's just as real as the pain Clara exhibits publically.