Is it cruel to move back somewhere my teen doesn't want to live?

[InAWhirl]

Just looking for some perspective please. Bit of context, I am a single parent, 2 boys, 15&11, 11 yo has additional AuDHD. We were homeless 3 years ago, and I bought a house in a place i didn't like, 15 minutes drive away from where we'd always lived, simply because I was desperate. I have spent a lot of money on this house, new roof, new front door, new bathroom, simply because the roof was leaking, the door wasn't working properly, and the bathroom had been left dripping water and covered in black mould. We are isolated on a very busy road, but great transport links into the city. We all want to move, we have never settled.

My eldest wants to move into the neighboring town to be near his friends (I do a lot of driving). My youngest and I both want to go home back to our village, which has much worse links to the city, but is safe and surrounded by fields. It's home as far as we're concerned. My eldest will HATE me if I move back there, but I have just seen a house for sale in budget and for the first time I feel excited. I don't want to move to somewhere I hate again. Eldest is already experiencing anxiety, he's very angry and oftentimes takes it out on my and his brother. He will HATE me. But I want to go back home. My youngest made friends a couple of years ago and they are in the village, he would he overjoyed.

Is it really cruel of me to push to move back if I can even get an offer accepted? Knowing that he will hate it. He doesn't consider that in a few years time his friends may move to go to uni, and he could learn to drive. And I will still play taxi.

You don't like him much do you?

Are you OP’s son by any chance?

OP, at the end of the day, you're the adult.

Your eldest should not be bullying you, calling you names or saying you're useless if you're doing the best for him. If he's having a problem with that, he can go back to his dad's.

Buy the house and enjoy your new home. If he doesn't like it, he can go to his dad's.

Thank you everyone for your comments.

I have spoken to DS1, I took him out and asked him about moving calmly. He is absolutely adamant that he will not move back to the village, there was no room for debate. So we won't be.

I thought I was doing the right thing by buying, I didn't know much about council houses. This house in the village was the first in my price range since we moved away. Other houses in my price range need a lot of work, and are in crowded areas with no support nearby for me, and are at the top of what my mortgage broker thinks I can afford. The house in the village at least has some support nearby for me and youngest. I bought the current house using a buying scheme, which means I pay 60% of the mortgage (i have to give the government 40% of tbe sale price). Can I apply for a council house? I have been looking at private rentals, I haven't seen another appropriate yet, I'm also worried the same could happen again.

People have accused me of being a bad mum, of not liking my son. I just can't keep waking up in a house i hate. I am still driving DS1 around, and having to pick up him 10.30/11pm. I'm alone, and so are the boys. I'm not perfect, but I'm a good mum, my whole life revolves around them. I was surprised about some of the reactions about moving to a lovely little village, which although has terrible transport links, is a 10 minute drive from town, although I do understand the points about independence.

So what was your son's plan if you decided you would move? He cant refuse to move unless he's going to live on the streets.
He has too much control in your house.

Sorry, also comments about the dog. The dog is 7 and a hound, we've had her since 6 months old, and she was the wrong breed for us. There was no massive issue with her until around 7 months ago, and it's the barking if someone she doesn't know comes round the is the main issue. We didn't really notice as much as we didn't really bring anyone around, but I know I have been making allowances for this for years. She's much more anxious since the move to the current house as its on a very busy road with associated traffic noises. The dog is taking a lot of blame for my son. Other than the barking she is a great dog, great recall, great off lead, very affectionate, never had any issues with accidents or chewing in the house. Trainers we have now think she is great. But my son is hurting her for even a slight bark, he grabbed her snout last week. One of the hound trainers said that she needs a consequence, which i don't agree with. I have had another stern conversation about this, and it hasn't happened since. This is more pressure, I feel like I can't leave her alone in the house with him.

I want to runaway, get a little job somewhere and stop feel so chronically stressed. We all deserve better, including the dog, and I can't seem to get us there. I'm not a high earner, and I can't move on from my current job with all this happening as I'm stressed. DS1 of course just wants me to "get a better job" , but my current job provides a lot of flexibility and I WFH mostly.

He said he would kill himself.
He also said I can't move until he's moved out as he wants to live at home whilst at uni.
I speak to him calmly about it as I don't want him to feel bad, but he's unable to see any point of view other than his own, which I think must be part of being a teenager. I can't stand that he has called me a bad mum, and I think he genuinely believes that narrative sometimes (not always) but I don't feel I warrant that title. Other times he will call me to tell me he misses me.

You are allowing your eldest son to bully you. ( and the dog ! )

He is holding you to ransom - esp saying he is staying until he finishes Uni - that's at least 5 years away !!!

You are already driving him around - what difference is it to him where you live, YOU are driving him around !

YOU are the adult in the family - be it.

Agreed. Giving in to emotional blackmail is a very poor way to handle it. Added to which if this behaviour isn’t nipped in the bud very soon he’s going to grow up to carry this kind of abuse - because that’s what it is - into his adult relationships.

I have sympathy for him not wanting to move but his behaviour is very poor. He can't dictate to you that can't move from your house because he wants to live there for uni.
I realise the situation is hugely complicated but some kind of compromise would be that you stay in the house you hate for the next two years whilst he does A levels but after that you will be moving and he needs to accept that.
He is bullying you and he will not grow into the man you would wish him to be if he is allowed to control you.

I'd imagine anyone choosing to potentially buy it would be privy to this information. So it would be off-putting even if the groundwork hasn't even started yet. Who wants to buy a new house then live next to building works for 5 years?

This moving thing is actually very hypothetical at the moment - you will need to sell your house before you can actually put an offer in on the new one… and if houses do not come up regularly in the village the house may be gone before you have sold your house.

Its very normal around here to put in an offer 'subject to sale'. If accepted the seller usually gives between 4 - 6 weeks to sell their home, if not they usually review and agree more time depending on levels of interest or go back on the market. Nearly everyone I know who has bought/sold does this, especially those with kids who have nowhere to go if house sells before buying somewhere new. You are in a weaker position though, and sellers will opt for a cash buyer where they can.

None of it matters in this case, because the house is sold. I've just been told.
I think I may look to sell and see if I can get a rental, and then a council house. I can't compete, I'm not a high earner and I don't think I ever will be now.

I'm sorry. Life seems dismal with no silver lining in the offing. I don't know what the answer is but if a child/grandchild of mine said they would kill themselves if I moved somewhere they didn't like then I couldn't do it. A gamble I couldn't risk. DS1 has said that he's unhappy living where you do - has he got a sensible suggestion of where you could all go, that you can afford, etc, etc? I do feel a barking hound is perhaps not doing anyone any favours. Could you bring yourself to look into rehoming him? Would that ease the situation? I wish I had some solutions, good luck. PS you sound a wonderful mum!

I am so sorry. Can you find a way to get your eldest into therapy. The threat to kill himself was really terrifying and also demonstrates that he has no coping skills and is highly manipulative and emotionally collapsed. If nothing changes nothing will change and the three of you are locked in a death spiral.

The house is killing you. I wouldn’t hang on to it if you can get rid of it and rent elsewhere. Just “lose” it. Tell him you can’t manage the mortgage and its being sold out from under you. Get rid of it snd get an apartment somewhere.

I think you have to do what makes you feel happy. If you are depressed it will impact 3 people. Can you say you will start saving for a car and lessons? I wouldnt accept being called useless by a teenager or any other insulting langauge. Move.

OP, you're making a rod for your back by allowing your eldest to bully you. He will not get better. Why didn't he move back with his dad if he felt so strongly?

Some of what you've written recently about what he's saying lines up, for me, with the teenage brain thing and I do think time will help.

I have a demand avoidant child and am pretty used to bending round them. I don't think it's always as simple as you tell them and that's that. However in this case I don't think it is a good idea to let your son dictate such big decisions. His judgement is immature. There's a reason 15 year olds are not allowed Amazon accounts, let alone to buy houses.

This house is gone, fine. But I think you should research some other places and proceed with the move. Make it somewhere that's commutable to the university by public transport. Don't ask him and don't give him a casting vote. This is a bit of a confidence trick, he will test you until he really believes you are doing it anyway. You can do it kindly, understand it's not what he wants but it is happening and it will be ok. The new house will be better for uni, insert other advantages here. If you watch shop staff who handle complaints the main bit of the job is letting the irate customer say their piece. Ultimately they are not going to bend to whatever the customer demands, however unreasonable, but they diffuse the situation by listening and reflecting back, finding "third ways" to move forward.

Also this may be OTT, but given the trauma you've all been through I wonder if a Non Violent Resistance course might be useful for you. Hard to make time for it on top of everything else though, I"m sure. But it might give you a bit of inspiration and confidence.

Sorry to revisit the thread, and slightly derail from it. The seller was given a significant offer the village house which she said even the estate agent was surprised by, within 4 days of being on the market. I don't stand a chance in my position.

This house is affecting my health and I have likely developed disordered thinking. I am losing my hair, I have put on significant weight, I suffer from headaches and dizziness, I am yet again on anxiety medication, I can't sleep properly and regularly take night nurse so I can get 7 hours. I feel an immense amount of guilt about leaving a home before receiving anything official about it selling (which it never did, rent was instead hiked up 123%), I feel such regret, I am completely isolated. Its eldest 16th birthday in a couple of weeks and I can't think straight to plan and have no one to celebrate with. I have a history of poor mental health with 6 month peaks and troughs where I crash and burn.

If I sell the house for its HR value, I should receive around 29k in equity. Fees for selling and buying are 9k. I am looking at houses around 200k, which eats up the 20k. I have no other savings. There are very very few houses at this price, All the houses in this bracket need work done. Also, I worry about affordability even for this, soon my child maintenance will stop, child benefit and child disability. I looked at 2 bedrooms with me in the living room but eldest absolutely against this.
I have made a housing application to the council, but they will view me as adequately housed. I have not seen an appropriate private rental.

Where do I go from here?

It sounds like you need a plan and that starts with putting the house for sale. If you can’t afford the area you live in is it worth considering elsewhere. I think you need an honest chat with your children so they feel involved. This is what I can afford/not afford. I would consider a cheaper area op.

I know it was mentioned earlier but would you consider shared ownership? My friend bought a place where she owns fifty present and the council owns the rest. She can buy the rest at a later stage. It was the only way she could afford a property of her own. I do t think selling to rent would be a good idea as you’d lose your deposit money. I’d wait for another ideal home to pop up again.

OP, I’ve read all your posts, though not the full thread. I think I remember previous threads of yours, relating to your DGM flat?

I relate to quite a lot of what you say (single mother to 3 teens, no support really, living in a house / area I don’t love but with practical benefits and works for my DC, I just about managed to hold onto the house when I finally divorced (but had to pay my ex so much for it, that I’m going to face long-term challenges, in terms of a future move. This really worries & depresses me).

Firstly, I strongly think you should stay where - you are for now. You have a secure home, you’ve done work on it. The location isn’t perfect but it works. (I really do get your unhappiness - I’ve felt similar, I went through a particularly bad period this year where I couldn’t even bear to come indoors after work or when I’d been out somewhere and it wasn’t helped by family members buying / renovating spectacular houses, seemingly at ease)

If you move, you believe this new location and house will make you happier. It may, a bit, but you are dealing with a lot, and I would feel that you will simply replace one set of problems with another (namely, DS1)

Secondly, financially it sounds like a really bad move. You are a single parent. You need security. You have it with your current property. If you sell and rent, with a view to buying, you are placing yourself in a position of vulnerability.

Thirdly, your own MH is not in the right place to make this decision and move now. I recognise this too. Remove this one decision from your plate, and you can give time to something else.

Finally, about DS1, I would stop the conversations about where to live. You’re the parent. By all means, keep exploring options but don’t keep inviting discussions. Stay where you are; if he complains, you tell
him this is the workable solution for now. End of discussion.

If it helps, I have spent my annual leave, sitting with the things that upset me about my living arrangements, and coming up with any possible solutions that will address some of these, and learning to accept what can’t be changed. I’ve realised some of what I believed was ‘the house / location’ is much more due to ongoing worry of being a single parent without support, following a very challenging year for some of my DC, and facing some big decisions. It’s helped me recognise what the true issues are, and that the house situation is absolutely copable with, if the other issues are addressed - these are tough issues without an easy or obvious solution but I can’t keep ignoring them.

Where do I go from here?

I think you need to start with sitting down with your two DC and asking them what they expect you to do and then you explaining why that is either going to be impossible or very difficult. And then asking them to suggest what else you could do. You seem very fixated on moving back to this village as being some sort of panacea to all your problems. Your oldest son seems equally fixated on not moving there and also not living where you are. You are a family, and if you want to continue having decent relationships with your DC into the future, I'd suggest involving them in helping you to move forward. Asking strangers on MN what you should be doing is abdicating responsibility and potentially going to cause big problems for you in the future. It doesn't sound to me as if you have enough money to actually move anywhere tbh. What kind of salary are you on and how much disposable income do you have to pay off a mortgage going forward? Good luck.

I disagree quite strongly with this advice, even though well-intentioned.

15 & 11 yos are not in a position to say what they want in matters like this, not meaningfully. (I don’t mean their views don’t matter but they should be solicited differently).

I would advise making the core decisions (house move / location) yourself, then deciding what their input looks like. For example, if you decide to stay, what matters most to them both, and what flexibility do you have to provide it? This is what you can talk
to them about.
(speaking from experience of where I haven’t done this well myself!)

Fantastic couple of posts from @EarringsandLipstick. Maybe not what you want to hear OP but I think she's speaking a lot of sense.