Is it cruel to move back somewhere my teen doesn't want to live?

[InAWhirl]

Just looking for some perspective please. Bit of context, I am a single parent, 2 boys, 15&11, 11 yo has additional AuDHD. We were homeless 3 years ago, and I bought a house in a place i didn't like, 15 minutes drive away from where we'd always lived, simply because I was desperate. I have spent a lot of money on this house, new roof, new front door, new bathroom, simply because the roof was leaking, the door wasn't working properly, and the bathroom had been left dripping water and covered in black mould. We are isolated on a very busy road, but great transport links into the city. We all want to move, we have never settled.

My eldest wants to move into the neighboring town to be near his friends (I do a lot of driving). My youngest and I both want to go home back to our village, which has much worse links to the city, but is safe and surrounded by fields. It's home as far as we're concerned. My eldest will HATE me if I move back there, but I have just seen a house for sale in budget and for the first time I feel excited. I don't want to move to somewhere I hate again. Eldest is already experiencing anxiety, he's very angry and oftentimes takes it out on my and his brother. He will HATE me. But I want to go back home. My youngest made friends a couple of years ago and they are in the village, he would he overjoyed.

Is it really cruel of me to push to move back if I can even get an offer accepted? Knowing that he will hate it. He doesn't consider that in a few years time his friends may move to go to uni, and he could learn to drive. And I will still play taxi.

It sounds like he doesn’t have much respect for you, OP - possibly because you do everything for him and expect nothing in return.
He’s old enough to do his own cooking and washing. Stop being a slave, it’s not setting him up well for his relationships in the future.

A bus every two hours!!!

Totally out in the sticks, thats no way to live.

Make the move.

This is about your future.

Your DS1 is just being a teenager. They like moaning about stuff. Its not up to him though. Its about what is best for all of you. He will get over it.

Put your house on the market next week as it will show the other seller you are a serious buyer. If you offer on the other house it won't be take seriously until you have an offer on yours.

I agree it’s ridiculous.

Are we all just going to ignore the fact that OP told us her son is violent towards the dog?

He is 15 and just throwing a teenage tantrum. He needs to man up. He doesnt have to live there for the rest of his life but you do and that in my opinion outweighs his temporary needs.

@InAWhirl
Your son's done his GCSEs. He doesn't need to change schools. He can still see his friends. A level studies will mean he's going to be limited in his social life anyway, as he'll have to spend a significant amount of time studying if he wants to go to a decent university. Your proposed move isn't going to damage him one bit, OP. He's just being a teenager and can make decisions on buying houses when he's an adult and is considering buying his own.

She said he pushed the dog. She also said the dog barks constantly. It either barked for months at his gf or he stayed for months at his gf to avoid the barking - it’s not clear from the sentence structure.

she is worse with him and worse when be bought his gf round, the barking stayed for months at his gf.

You need to stand up for yourself, OP. You may not get that particular house you've set your heart on, but you will - with single-minded determination and effort - eventually find yourself a home in a place where you can be happy. Your son will be able to drive himself around in the not-too-distant-future. Don't let him dictate the rest of your life. If you can possibly afford it, find yourself a therapist and let them know you need support in becoming more assertive and more in charge of your own life. Good luck.

I don’t think you should stop moving somewhere you want to be because of your teenager. You are the adult and have confirmed you will still take him places. Is there a compromise in another location which would suit you all?

No, I think you'll find lots of us have commented about his behaviour, have you missed the posts. OP has posted before as well as many of us commented then.

He needs taking in hand, OP doesnt seem to have a lot of control over him. The house move thing is a total red herring in my view.

Yes, a lot of my worry about doing the wrong thing is fuelled by fear. Realistically, people move all the time, granted many parents will try to keep disruption to a minimum, but it happens. Is moving to a lovely village we lived in for nearly 10 years whilst staying at the same school and getting lifts e everywhere really the end of the world? Teenagers live in villages up and down the country. Do parents who are in control worry this much about a move reach out to Internet strangers to ask for advice, probably not, and maybe the children may respect those people more?
My issue is I feel like if I don't do everything for my son, and make my needs and wants small, I feel like I'm failing him, and I think he genuinely believes he's being failed by me. He says he had a terrible childhood and I'm a terrible mother, but I remember making him laugh, taking him to activities multiple times a week, making plans every weekend for us. And I have been completely alone, his Dad has actually worked against me. That's not my sons fault at all, and I really wish I could have given him a big happy family, I always wanted a big family. And a lot of the reason that hasn't happened is because of decisions I made, for example, who to have children with. So I've stopped trusting myself and find it hard to make decisions in case I get it wrong. I am so unhappy and it is having an impact on my health. I don't want to get older with a son that thinks I'm terrible, I want him to be safe and happy. My youngest has also taken on this shrinking around his brother.

The house move will involve a bit more driving than now, but I live somewhere that isn't home and drive all the time now. My eldest needs picked up in the evenings, so I can't make plans. My youngest is likely to live with me for longer too. But I am very aware of the dire housing situation for young people, when I was 16 there was an actual possibility to get a job and move out, that isn't there anymore.

Would having an electric bike make a difference to your son? Cuts distances..,

Also it matters that you model happiness for your son. When teenagers are miserable and confused it doesn't help them to see that they are making their parents unhappy too. Much better that they understand that adult life is satisfying - not least because you have the power to make your own good choices.
I think you should move back to your village, be cheerful and helpful to your eldest, but don't get drowned in his feelings. They will pass. And no young person wants to feel, later on, that they were responsible for their parent's limited life. He will be proudly glad and relieved to have a happy and fulfilled mother, a calm presence, when he's a little older.

You won’t get an offer accepted on the house if you are not even for sale yourself.

A bus every two hours is terrible transport links.

I would move OP. Your eldest sounds a bit of a brat tbh with the way he speaks to you and wanting to re-home the dog etc, why does he get the final say here?!

I would move back to the village but be prepared to ferry him about for the next few years (which sounds like you do already)

I don’t think a 15 year old should rule the roost (or that it’s good for them to do so, too many entitled, bratty, disrespectful teenagers around who’ve clearly been endlessly pandered to) and unfortunately the village sounds like it’s a better move for 2 out of the 3 person household so the majority wins IMO.

Since he can’t be satisfied with you you might as well please yourself snd the youngest.

Stay put until he can drive then move.

Your son is being an arse OP - mine went through this stage at about 15 too - if he lived it where you lived now I would think twice as to be honest village life with poor connections for teens ain’t great either for a lot - but he doesn’t like that either- what’s his brilliant suggestion?

It's about his future too. "Teenagers like moaning about stuff" i really find most of the people spouting this attitude appalling really. Teenage years are some of the most important for socialising and building lifelong friendships - when he becomes an adult and lots of his contemporaries have lives of their own then what is he going to do? He needs a solid foundation to make friends and be himself now, not be stuck at home and isolated in his mums echo chamber.

Don’t forget your younger son will be getting to the teenage age soon and might find life in a village especially with such a poor bus route constricting.

Did you read the second post by the OP? It says:

"We all dislike living where we are currently, we are isolated and have never been able to settle. Eldest says he is ashamed of it. It's just really uncomfortable living here and doesn't feel great to dread going home every day."

So staying put isn't an option. they ALL hate it.

I have worked with teenagers for over 13 years and have a 15 year old too. Most teenagers only manage to see what they want, and not how their actions will impact others. Of course the teenage years are important, but there are three people to consider, the OP needing somewhere long term, and another dependent who also needs to feel safe and is likely to be at home for another 7+ years. A teenager not getting what he wants means he is going to moan.

He has done his GCSEs, he is not far off being able to ride a moped/motorbike, and the OP has said she will drive him places.

They're not moving somewhere new. They're moving back to where they used to live.

There’s a lot of demonising of the older son in order to justify ignoring his needs.

If the move were necessary for a job that is one thing, but this is entirely elective on OP’s part. There are only 3 of them in the family to consider and the move will heavily disadvantage one in the short term and 2 in the longer term. When the older one wants to get around and has to wait 2 hours for a bus he may rethink his attachment to the village.

OP has form for making emotional decisions without really considering the consequences. And if this move costs her her relationship with her eldest son, she may come to see it as another mistake.

You are the poster with the constantly barking, completely untrained, reactive dog who doesn't like non family in the house, which has meant your eldest never being able to have friends over aren't you?

How does the move impact on his ability to stay at home and go to university?