Is it cruel to move back somewhere my teen doesn't want to live?

[InAWhirl]

Just looking for some perspective please. Bit of context, I am a single parent, 2 boys, 15&11, 11 yo has additional AuDHD. We were homeless 3 years ago, and I bought a house in a place i didn't like, 15 minutes drive away from where we'd always lived, simply because I was desperate. I have spent a lot of money on this house, new roof, new front door, new bathroom, simply because the roof was leaking, the door wasn't working properly, and the bathroom had been left dripping water and covered in black mould. We are isolated on a very busy road, but great transport links into the city. We all want to move, we have never settled.

My eldest wants to move into the neighboring town to be near his friends (I do a lot of driving). My youngest and I both want to go home back to our village, which has much worse links to the city, but is safe and surrounded by fields. It's home as far as we're concerned. My eldest will HATE me if I move back there, but I have just seen a house for sale in budget and for the first time I feel excited. I don't want to move to somewhere I hate again. Eldest is already experiencing anxiety, he's very angry and oftentimes takes it out on my and his brother. He will HATE me. But I want to go back home. My youngest made friends a couple of years ago and they are in the village, he would he overjoyed.

Is it really cruel of me to push to move back if I can even get an offer accepted? Knowing that he will hate it. He doesn't consider that in a few years time his friends may move to go to uni, and he could learn to drive. And I will still play taxi.

I'm so sorry, you can't win in this situation.

I'm sorry but I don't agree with all the posters saying give in to your oldest son. Why should bad behaviour be rewarded? Just because you're scared of his reaction. Youngest son would likely be equally unhappy but better behaved in the town oldest would prefer.

Long term, I think moving back to the village is best if you can make it happen. The alternative is 2/3 of you are unhappy short-term and you're unhappy long term (move to town) or 3/3 of you are unhappy short term (stay put).

I would move back, you don’t necessarily want your teen son hanging out in town centres anyway op. At least this way you can keep an eye where he is going and who he is hanging out with. You can invite his friends to yours to hang out. He will be in uni/college/work soon enough.

This is true, but the economics of car driving still work a bit differently in rural areas I think. In a town only the richest kids get just given a car, but where there is cheaper housing, nothing to do and one bus a day, getting teens a car is still a thing even in very modest income families. Not everyone of course, but it's seen more as a necessity before getting a job or getting themselves to uni, rather than an aspiration .

Op I also noticed op that you might need to start being much more assertive with your son. He doesn’t get to call the shots. Don’t be apologetic or sorry for choosing the right option for your future. He is a teen, and it’s unlikely he can see past himself and his own convenience, but the bigger picture really matters.

I’m buggered if I’d allow a 16 year old to dictate how I lived my life. He can live wherever he chooses in a couple of years. If he doesn’t like your decision he can go and live with his other parent. The decision you make now will impact the rest of your life.

It sounds like moving back to the village IS the best option but if you do manage it then I think you need to make many accommodations for your eldest if you want to retain a half way decent relationship with him. Currently he has a father who he has decided to see less, a brother with additional needs who probably gets more attention than him, a stressed mother and a dog which for some reason he doesn't like.

Going back to the village puts him back closer to his primary school friend's. Do they go to the secondary school/sixth form? Is there a chance he can pick up again with them?

Can you start getting him driving lessons early? So that he's ready to take the test when he's 17. Realistically you will either not have moved by then or will be only just moved.

Can you discuss the dog issue with him? If it really bothers him can you rehome the dog?

Is there any other way in which you can reward your son for accepting the move? You've said he doesn't like where he currently is? Is the village worse for him than your current home? Do you like his friends? Could he stay over with them or they with him sometimes?

The fact that he wants to stay at home for uni must mean you are doing something right!

He can live wherever he chooses in a couple of years. If he doesn’t like your decision he can go and live with his other parent.

Why have kids if this is how you're going to treat them? MN is insane for this - kids thoughts / feelings are always secondary despite the fact it was the adults who chose to have them! So, so selfish. If you chose to have kids you have to be willing to put their needs first. Socialising and building independence are actual needs for teenagers, not just a want.

"He can live wherever he chooses in a couple of years."

no, no he can't - do you think a young person in their first or second job has the economic power to be picky?

What do you do when you have 2 kids who want opposite things and the status quo is also not acceptable? There is no way to satisfy everyone here. The attitude was harsh but ultimately parents sometimes have to make difficult and unpopular decisions.

Driving lessons and car upkeep is expensive so he’ll probably be in his 20s or older unless Op pays for everything. However, there’s buses. He could meet his friends in the village they live in or somewhere in between.

Reading through everything, it feels like there's been a pattern of reacting to the next urgent problem rather than giving yourself time to pause and make longer-term decisions.
When you got your dog, you had two young children, were renting, and already had a lot on your plate. However much everyone wanted a puppy, the responsibility ultimately rested with you, and seven years on it's still creating stress for your family.

When your landlord first mentioned selling, you understandably panicked and moved to your grandmother's flat, investing a lot of money in somewhere that was only ever temporary. Soon afterwards, you bought a house that needed far more work than expected, and you've spent a great deal trying to make it liveable.

Now you've seen a house back in your old village, it's understandable that you're excited by the idea of returning. But I wonder if this is another moment where the excitement of an escape is making everything feel more urgent than it really is.
Your children have already experienced a lot of change, and they will naturally take many of their feelings about home from you. Rather than seeing this as a choice between moving now, staying somewhere you dislike forever, or settling somewhere else you might regret, perhaps there is another option: prioritise stability for a few more years.

Nothing you've described sounds as though it has to be decided under intense time pressure. You don't need to complete every repair before you can eventually sell, and you don't have to stay for another eight or nine years either. A calmer, medium-term plan...perhaps thinking about a move once your eldest is more independent..may give everyone a greater sense of security and leave you in a stronger financial position.

In the meantime, you're only 15 minutes from your old village. You can still enjoy the countryside and familiar walks without needing to uproot your family straight away.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/the_doghouse/5545242-teenager-hates-our-dog

This is the dog thread, for context. The dog has significant behavioural issues.

Does your son still have the girlfriend you mentioned here? Is that part of the reason he doesn’t want to move?

I could not live with that dog. Can’t have a friend round because it won’t stop barking.

Can’t dance. Can’t say hello.

Type of dog that barks at its own farts I guess.

Can't say I'm especially surprised that a child in a family with diagnosed ND finds it extremely hard to cope with a poorly trained, noisy dog.

"LittleWhiteRabbit · Today 12:16
Reading through everything, it feels like there's been a pattern of reacting to the next urgent problem rather than giving yourself time to pause and make longer-term decisions.
When you got your dog, you had two young children, were renting, and already had a lot on your plate. However much everyone wanted a puppy, the responsibility ultimately rested with you, and seven years on it's still creating stress for your family.
When your landlord first mentioned selling, you understandably panicked and moved to your grandmother's flat, investing a lot of money in somewhere that was only ever temporary. Soon afterwards, you bought a house that needed far more work than expected, and you've spent a great deal trying to make it liveable.
Now you've seen a house back in your old village, it's understandable that you're excited by the idea of returning. But I wonder if this is another moment where the excitement of an escape is making everything feel more urgent than it really is.
Your children have already experienced a lot of change, and they will naturally take many of their feelings about home from you. Rather than seeing this as a choice between moving now, staying somewhere you dislike forever, or settling somewhere else you might regret, perhaps there is another option: prioritise stability for a few more years."

@LittleWhiteRabbit has nailed it. This with bells on. You've obviously had an extremely difficult time over the last several years, been let down by people on whom you should be able to rely (i.e. your family), and you've done very well to go from homelessness to a home for your DCs. I'm sure you've done much better than I would have in your circumstances. It does read, though, like you are in permanent "fight or flight" mode and that you make really big decisions in a fight or flight manner and then end up facing difficulties that might not otherwise have arisen (you rushed into buying a dog who was clearly the wrong breed for a first time owner).

We all make mistakes - there have been times in life that I have seriously fucked up. But it's important to learn from these mistakes and I think it's time to realise that you have a tendency to make rush decisions about big things with seriously unhelpful consequences.

So actually, right now, I don't think you should move because it sounds like you're making another fight or flight decision. Your current house has been more of a fixer upper than you expected but there are still ways to make it feel more like a home. There is plenty of information on line about how to turn an unloved house into a more lovable home: www.reddit.com/r/femalelivingspace/comments/1fw8865/how_do_you_make_your_house_feel_like_a_home/.

It doesn't mean that you will have to stay in your house forever but perhaps you could re-orientate your thinking about the house and make medium/long-term plans around moving somewhere else.

The dog thread is quite a read. Poor DS1 can't have a friend round without it barking constantly throughout.

In that thread OP, you said a fortnight ago you were going to contact a specialist rehoming organisation and see what they say. Has that been done yet? If you keep the dog and move to the village, that's becoming something of a pattern of you doing things because you and DS2 like them even though DS1 hates them.

Sorry for absence of replies, just at work. This is the top comment, so just replying. Yes, I have got a trainer, my third visit is today. I contacted the specialist rehoming and haven't heard anything. Trainer is coming to the house for the first time today, so I was going to see how this goes. Both trainers have said there is nothing wrong with the dog???? I'm not assertive enough.

There is a lot of information here, I wasn't expecting so many responses, thank you.

I have had a quick read, and people make good points. I think I may have been stuck in a crisis since we left tbe village, and tbh I think I may be hanging too much on moving back, as though I can't turn back the clock on my biggest regret and source of guilt. But it's also home to me and youngest.

Eldest dad has said he will give him a car next year, it's more insurances and lessons which I know are very pricey and difficult to source. I have said eldest can have a moped but he doesn't want one. I was going to look at a mountain ebike for him. I'm hoping he will be able to get a little part time job once he turns 16, if only for him to get out into the world and gain independence.

The dog and house, I just can't win and don't know what to do. If I rehome the dog this will cause another massive source of guilt.

Are there many jobs in the village that a teen could realistically get?

None of you are happy in your present home. So the first thing to do is get it on the market. Until you know what interest there'll be and a more accurate idea of value, you're not really in a position to do anything. Once you have interest, and moving (somewhere) becomes real, the decision will become easier to make

At the moment you're all overthinking something that might well not even be possible. It's rather unlikely that you'll get an offer accepted on the village house when you're unable to proceed because you're house isn't even on the market. So all this angst could be for nothing.

Wait until you've got interest in your present place, and I suspect that fate will help with the location decision.

Would you be able to afford a home where your oldest ds wants? And would that mean both you and your youngest would then be miserable?

If you're all miserable in you current house it makes sense to move. It already sounds like your eldest is trying to bully you and you aren't assertive enough with parenting him.

I think if you can find an affordable home in your old village it will be the best option. Your oldest ds may even reconnect with his old friend if you do move since he has said he thinks they would still be friends if you had stayed in the village.

I didnt say she should move at all.

He hates the house apparently and is 'ashamed' of it, they are words used to shame his mother actually. Its a slur on her. Telling her where she can and cant live and wanting to get rid of the family pet.

Most kids have something they decide is embarrassing about their parent or life.

Be that mums car, their home, granny’s bright green hair. Not cool enough. Too fat and so on.

I wouldn’t take a child being embarrassed of their house the bricks and mortar to heart. The condition of said house however being embarrassing would be a problem.

DS1 isn't abusive, he can be a bit of a bully at times, I don't know if that's the right word, or if it's just being a teenager, which is quite possibly more difficult now than it was when I was a teenager. I do believe he will try to shame me or manipulate me at times to make a point or get something, but I usually already know the point being made and he doesn't need to do that. He doesn't hit me, but he will hit his brother, and he has started pushing the dog because he hates her barking, but this is actually making it worse. He will call me names and tell me I'm a terrible mother and I quite often feel like I'm walking on egshells, I think DS2 does too. I want the best for DS1 and to be happy, when he's happy things feel mucb better. DS1 hates the dog because of the barking, she is worse with him and worse when be bought his gf round, the barking stayed for months at his gf. When meeting DS2 friends or someone new with me it's much easier. DS1 wants the dog to bite him so I have no choice.

Can I put the house on the market without having somewhere else ? The house in the village is the first to come on the market within our budget within over 2 years.