Is it cruel to move back somewhere my teen doesn't want to live?

[InAWhirl]

Just looking for some perspective please. Bit of context, I am a single parent, 2 boys, 15&11, 11 yo has additional AuDHD. We were homeless 3 years ago, and I bought a house in a place i didn't like, 15 minutes drive away from where we'd always lived, simply because I was desperate. I have spent a lot of money on this house, new roof, new front door, new bathroom, simply because the roof was leaking, the door wasn't working properly, and the bathroom had been left dripping water and covered in black mould. We are isolated on a very busy road, but great transport links into the city. We all want to move, we have never settled.

My eldest wants to move into the neighboring town to be near his friends (I do a lot of driving). My youngest and I both want to go home back to our village, which has much worse links to the city, but is safe and surrounded by fields. It's home as far as we're concerned. My eldest will HATE me if I move back there, but I have just seen a house for sale in budget and for the first time I feel excited. I don't want to move to somewhere I hate again. Eldest is already experiencing anxiety, he's very angry and oftentimes takes it out on my and his brother. He will HATE me. But I want to go back home. My youngest made friends a couple of years ago and they are in the village, he would he overjoyed.

Is it really cruel of me to push to move back if I can even get an offer accepted? Knowing that he will hate it. He doesn't consider that in a few years time his friends may move to go to uni, and he could learn to drive. And I will still play taxi.

The eldest is 15, realistically he will start driving in 2years and then if he hates it so much move on.
How disruptive is it for school/college etc?

Your 15yo will be able to drive himself in 2 years so it's hardly a long term problem

Sit him down and explain that you and your younger son are genuinely unhappy and want to go home. That you realise it won't be his first choice but you are trying to get it right for the long term.That you will commit to driving him and helping with transport for the two years until he can drive himself.

He is old enough to understand it isn't all about him, but to work as a team to ensure everyone is happier.

Personally I definitely wouldn’t move a teenager of that age to a village. So I’d either rent somewhere temporarily that’s less isolated and near to school / college/ friends if you hate where you currently are that much. Or stay put for 3 years until they are driving and more independent and then buy a new place wherever you want.

Is dad on the scene? Would he move there? Do you prioritise your youngest due to his needs?

If you suspect he will have such a reaction to the move, I would be looking at why

I would be strongly suspecting bullying, and that he is afraid of being bullied again or being around the triggers

He wont want to admit to it, but you need to get to the bottom of this x

Yes it would be cruel. He probably already gets second place due to his brothers needs, he should be considered equally. Stay where you are until he can drive or make a move for a few years so he can get out of the house and have a life outside of what sounds like a less than happy home for him.

Of course it would be horrible. You’re expecting him to accept living somewhere he hates and you’re doing it because you don’t want to live somewhere you hate. Completely unreasonable. You need to find a compromise.

It's fine to say in two years time they can drive but there is a chance they won't be able to pass a driving test or be able to afford to run a car. I wouldn't base a move on a hypothetical like driving.
If you hate living where you are so much now why would you inflict the same thing on your 15 year old son? It reads very much as 'well me and 11 year old sibling like it' so he'll just have to deal with it.
For what it's worth we contemplated moving around 30 mins from where we are now a couple of years ago. My eldest sobbed at the idea so we stayed much closer to a place all of the family is comfortable.

I’m sorry but surely he’s mid GCSEs? Is moving at all absolutely necessary right now? I’d wait till his GCSEs are done in your position. I’d never willingly move home and cause such upheaval and disruption during such an educationally crucial time of my child’s life.

Does he have any concrete reasons or are they feelings. Are you able to sit down with him on his own and have a proper conversation so he feels that his opinions count? He may not drive and anyway the next 2 years are so important at his age. There may not be an obvious compromise but I think you owe it to him to try for one. Does he have plans for A levels, university? Does he have an apprenticeship/career in mind? Would he have to change schools and friendship groups? Perhaps he is feeling that his sibling's wants and needs are always more important.

This, if it’s only a few years till you’ll be teaching him to
drive and helping him fund a car, why can’t you and 11yo wait?

it sounds sad for 15 yo and as pp is he having to give up things for 11yo needs to be met?

You are the adult and it’s your money, you get to say where you live. Presumably this could be the house you live in for the rest of your life, so it’s your choice.
When my oldest was a teen she said that she hated the village we live in, she wanted to live in the small town where her high school was, and all her friends lived. Absolutely no way would I have moved from my home to somewhere my teen wanted to live.

Wait until your son is older. As you have said in a couple of years he will be able to drive .

Totally unfair and selfish
this could be a life defining moment in your relationship with your 15 yo and one he never forgives you for.

no way would I move him to this village

I wouldn't move him at this stage. He should at least get to the end of GCSEs before you disrupt him.

This is a really tough decision OP. The only way I’d do it would be if you could also afford to help the eldest with transport be that a taxi, lifts to and from, or even a moped for his 16th birthday?

Thank you for your comments, I appreciate the different view points.

We all dislike living where we are currently, we are isolated and have never been able to settle. Eldest says he is ashamed of it. It's just really uncomfortable living here and doesn't feel great to dread going home every day.

I don't think I treat him any less than his brother, he is a teen and thinks I am an idiot most of the time, but I'm there for him, I put him before me, I drive him around, encourage him and support his decisions. He regularly calls me names, I've been called "useless" for not putting the washing machine on for one day. My youngest is not like that towards me at all. Eldest has stopped wanting to see his Dad as much, previously he stayed 4 nights a month (EOW), now he will go for a couple of hours EOW. I have encourage Eldest to speak to someone, we had a family therapist a few years ago, he would not engage, he got to the top of the waiting list for talking therapy and he decided he would not engage, I have offered to pay privately. Eldest did have 2 friends he was best friends with all through primary school one lives in the village, and a couple of years ago they stopped talking to him, so yes, that makes it worse.

I understand it's not fair, but I also don't want to move somewhere more expensive in a area I dislike and don't know anyone again so eldest can be closer to a friend. All of these places are within 15 minutes drive of each other. I've kept the boys at the same school. Living here has made me unwell. We only left the village because my LL told me she was selling.

Honestly I wouldn't do this. I can see why he would hate it (i.e. he isn't being completely irrational) and it will have a really negative effect on your relationship. Can't you hang on for a couple of years?

I would continue to drive eldest to and from school. It's the catchment school for the village (as we were still living there when eldest started HS). I would continue to drive him to and from his friends.

Moved during the teen years especially mid gcse can be incredibly disruptive to a teenager both academically and socially. Your older child could fail or drop out of GCSEs and lose friendships. That can really mess up a kid in the long term and hurts their mental health.

wait a year and move after his GCSEs are done and kids start moving around to 6th form.

Sorry, also to add, moving feels time sensitive for another reason; there is a developer/council building a significant number of houses on our street and the field 2 minute walk, over 700 are planned. Once the bricks start going in and the construction traffic starts it will be incredibly difficult to sell.

And what about 11 yo, that’s when it get tricky with conflicting activities and seeing friends. At least in the town would 15 yo not be able to be more independent?

Will you constantly be able to taxi the 15 year around all the time? Each evening if they want to see friends, all summer holidays when presumably you are going to be at work?

Can you actually afford driving lessons and a car for the eldest? It's all very well saying he can drive in a few years but it's really hard to actually get a place with an instructor where I live, the costs because of the demand is high and to then book a test is really hard and people are waiting months to get one.

But won't people know that now? Will you even get an offer on your place soon enough to buy the house you have seen?

He has done his GCSEs, and is going into sixth form. He says he wants to go to uni, but wants to live at home whilst there. LT for me I just don't want to move to another place that doesn't feel right. I just want to go for walks again. Eldest also really wants to rehome our 7 year old dog. I'm barely functioning at work with the pressure of our circumstances.