Is it cruel to move back somewhere my teen doesn't want to live?

[InAWhirl]

Just looking for some perspective please. Bit of context, I am a single parent, 2 boys, 15&11, 11 yo has additional AuDHD. We were homeless 3 years ago, and I bought a house in a place i didn't like, 15 minutes drive away from where we'd always lived, simply because I was desperate. I have spent a lot of money on this house, new roof, new front door, new bathroom, simply because the roof was leaking, the door wasn't working properly, and the bathroom had been left dripping water and covered in black mould. We are isolated on a very busy road, but great transport links into the city. We all want to move, we have never settled.

My eldest wants to move into the neighboring town to be near his friends (I do a lot of driving). My youngest and I both want to go home back to our village, which has much worse links to the city, but is safe and surrounded by fields. It's home as far as we're concerned. My eldest will HATE me if I move back there, but I have just seen a house for sale in budget and for the first time I feel excited. I don't want to move to somewhere I hate again. Eldest is already experiencing anxiety, he's very angry and oftentimes takes it out on my and his brother. He will HATE me. But I want to go back home. My youngest made friends a couple of years ago and they are in the village, he would he overjoyed.

Is it really cruel of me to push to move back if I can even get an offer accepted? Knowing that he will hate it. He doesn't consider that in a few years time his friends may move to go to uni, and he could learn to drive. And I will still play taxi.

Ah I remember your thread re the dog.

and my reply remains the same, your almost 16 year old will leave home in a couple of years.
The dog stays.

Whilst his life may revolve around him and him only, yours cannot.

Get your house on the market and buy where you want to live, you will be living there a long time.

Move where you want to settle. It would be stupid to waste away money renting elsewhere. Continue to support him by driving him to see his friends. And by saving up money (and encouraging him to start doing so) to help him with driving lessons/buying a car in a couple years so he has the independence to go where he wants to.

Hi @InAWhirl

All this sounds so difficult x

If i were you i would consider the following:-

1. You could put your house on the market and get it ready for sale.

See how many viewings you get and what sort of money you are realistically offered. This could take a while/

Second, you could really work on your relationship with your eldest as this will help communication when you are deciding where to move to. 15 year old boys are difficult to communicate with. Get as much advice as you can on how to manage this from books podcasts mumsnet etc.
In my experience, it involves a lot of stick and carrot. Layout clear boundaries of behaviour to begin with and keep it simple; combine this with fun, light chat, discussions on music and sport THEY like learning to chat about their interests and not interrogate! Really firm Nos and consequences delivered in a firm calm assertive way - (repeat your requests then leave room) immediate reward (favourite food, allowance, lifts, pay phone) on good behaviour. Don't be weak or give in to bad behaviour.

Hopefully excitement that you are moving, combined with improved communication and a decision to discuss as a family the pros and cons of where to move to next in a considered way will help. look at different areas and research carefully. You will not be able to make an offer on a property until your property is under offer anyway, so none of this is wasted. Good luck x

You absolutely should move @InAWhirl , guess what? You matter too! Infact, it is imperative that you, the only adult in the house who works, looks after the boys and everything else running a house entails, is mentally healthy and happy!
A happy Mum is a good Mum.

How often do houses in this area come around, in budget? I think you would be daft to let it go if you like it.

If you are still willing to taxi and get the kids to school and back what is the issue?

Mumsnet probably isn't the best place to ask advice on anything regarding children, which is sad but it is what it is.

You. Matter. Too.

Teens have a set day of the week to do their own laundry here. The way I see it, once their clothes are bigger than mine it is time for them to take responsibility.(I continue to wash their school uniform though and other time sensitive items).

Well perhaps not. It won't be isolated then, and presumably there will be amenities on the new estate.

With all due respect why have you asked this question if you seem incapable of having your mind changed?

So DS1 used to have friends in the village. Do you still have contact details for them? Can you plan a day out together to the village for all of you, that involves him spending a bit of time with his old friends somehow? That might help you all see a bit more clearly how you feel.

Yeah, I get the point people are makign about it not being long term and he'll start driving in a couple of years but 2 years is a LONG time for a 15 year old, it's prime friend makign time that might last him a lifetime and that limited ability to socialise will be really difficult for him.

When I was roughly his age my mum met someone who lived in another county and she was considering moving us 250+ miles away ,We originally come from a large busy city with fantastic links to everywhere - i'd have known nobody and been out in a rural village with no friends. I'd have resented her even more than I already do if she'd have done that.

Did you get the dog for him? If so, he should be walking it etc.

If you got it for you (or your youngest), then you do it.

I wouldn't be making any plans on the basis that the 15 year old will be leaving home in a couple of years. The majority of just turned 18 year olds don't. Whatever OP chooses, best to do so with the understanding that neither DC is likely to be out of the door shortly after becoming adults.

I agree with your first point. Anyone that thinks anyone is guaranteed to be able to afford lessons, get a test and past quickly these days is so out of touch. Exactly same attitude as all those who say 18nyears should get a job and move out.

Absolutely no idea how hard these things are but still act like that is good advice

i think it’s the younger son’s dog?

You're assuming a) she'll be teaching him to drive and b) she'll be contributing to buying him a car.

My dad never taught me to drive. I had to fund my own lessons with my Saturday job. Once I'd passed my test they couldn't afford to help me buy a car. That had to wait until I'd got a job at 19.

It's all very well people going "oh he'll be driving in two years" when the reality is quite likely it'll be at least three years even if mum can afford to help him because of the backlog of tests. If she can't help much financially it could be a lot longer.

OP my parents moved when I was 14. Completely out of the blue. There wasn't even a discussion. One day they took me to see a house and told me we were moving into it. We went from an older characterful property in the centre of a large village to a new build on the outskirts of a small town. Large garden to almost no garden.

I loathed it. I loathed them for making me move without thinking or asking what I might feel about it. I hated it so much that within eight months I'd been taken to the GP who diagnosed severe depression and I had two years of anti-depressants and my school work suffered, all because they "fancied a change".

I'm afraid it is one of three reasons I don't have a great relationship with my parents and I'm now 52.

This, OP ^^ olderglaswegian has it right.

Your oldest son will be gone so soon, you will be living there for life so if it makes you hopeful and happy it will enable you and your DS2 to better live, and live with DS1.

You have done so much for him, he doesn’t sound nice or grateful and staying where he wants to is at too much a cost to you and DS2. He will get over it, and it sounds like he already makes life a bit unpleasant. So he might dial that up a bit? It’s your longer term happiness at stake and DS2. Out of your family, what decision creates the most happiness for most?

I don’t buy this mothers must sacrifice themselves for their sons nonsense (and it is always SONS!), you and DS2 matter too.

He will manage- he will have a car in a matter of months! And if he fell away from his friend cos he moved from the village, moving back will likely rekindle it!

Also agree re the driving. Is the OP in a position to throw money away on renting somewhere for a few years though? This is a huge waste of money, when she has seen a house, in budget, where she wants to be long term.
It is so easy for posters on here to tell her to rent, she is a single mother, best thing she can do is put her money in bricks and mortar.
I wonder how many posters advising her to do this would be willing to go from home owner to private tenant? Not many. Have you seen how much private rentals are these days?

He says he wants to stay home for uni so maybe not. Even if he did go away, a first year uni student is not all that moved out. Ours is home this year from end of May to Sept. Of course she would care if we moved.

However OP I think this sentence is the most important bit: "I'm barely functioning at work with the pressure of our circumstances." Your sanity trumps everyone's likes and dislikes, end of. The only question is whether there is another town that would suit your sanity better than moving your recalcitrant sixth former to a village with very little going on and few transport links. A more independent teen would be very good for your mental health I suspect! But do whatever feels most protective to you. Needs trumps wants.

Very true. It's a complex issue which I don't think the cliché driven and moral absolute attitude of mumsnet is best served to help...like most things on here tbh

@IdentifyingAsAWoollyMammoth i was being facetious (not clearly I can see!) but posters are saying
”oh in 2 years he’ll have a car and be driving and in 3 years he’ll have permanently moved out and have his own house!!” 😣 ridiculous if you look at the rest of mn and general sm re cost of driving lessons and the cost for living alone for a teen!

You shouldn’t be so hard on yourself and talking down the house you purchased. You went from being homeless to owning your own home as a single mum, that’s amazing.

I would personally go back to the village. Your eldest could be driving or even have a scooter in a matter of less than 2 years and I would just make up for it until then with offering lifts whenever possible.

Your eldest could be up and moved out within a matter of years and you need to selfishly think about what you want your life to look like once it’s just you and youngest, and then just you in the house.

It sounds like you know where you want to be.

I was agreeing with you before sidetracking into my own experience. I know there's plenty of wealthy folk on MN but for average folk, learning to drive and car ownership is vastly more expensive now (comparatively) than it was 30 years ago. It's much harder now to pick up a decent first car runaround due to how cars are made now, then insurance, and look at the cost of petrol. So many teens I know don't drive because of the expense and have yet to learn to drive.

It's a ridiculous supposition to just assume "in two years he'll be driving anyway".

The dog stays.

As for moving, can't you wait a couple of years?

I don't think it's reasonable to bring teens up living in villages.

It is complex, but it shouldn't be. It doesn't need to be.
It certainly shouldn't warrant the OP throwing thousands upon thousands away in rent for 2 or 3 years.
We over complicate everything these days 😬

It's only a month till GCSE results so I would wait and see where your son ends up enrolling and then make a decision that is a compromise for all 3 of you. Your older son driving is probably close to 3 years away, assuming he can even get lessons and pass in a relatively short time.

I share PP thoughts that the village is not necessarily the right solution. It's not necessarily wrong either but I would spend the next month sprucing up your house & going and looking at properties.

I actually think I remember a previous thread of yours. Just don't jump to a solution that you think will solve a problem, try and think long term. Best of luck.