Is it cruel to move back somewhere my teen doesn't want to live?

[InAWhirl]

Just looking for some perspective please. Bit of context, I am a single parent, 2 boys, 15&11, 11 yo has additional AuDHD. We were homeless 3 years ago, and I bought a house in a place i didn't like, 15 minutes drive away from where we'd always lived, simply because I was desperate. I have spent a lot of money on this house, new roof, new front door, new bathroom, simply because the roof was leaking, the door wasn't working properly, and the bathroom had been left dripping water and covered in black mould. We are isolated on a very busy road, but great transport links into the city. We all want to move, we have never settled.

My eldest wants to move into the neighboring town to be near his friends (I do a lot of driving). My youngest and I both want to go home back to our village, which has much worse links to the city, but is safe and surrounded by fields. It's home as far as we're concerned. My eldest will HATE me if I move back there, but I have just seen a house for sale in budget and for the first time I feel excited. I don't want to move to somewhere I hate again. Eldest is already experiencing anxiety, he's very angry and oftentimes takes it out on my and his brother. He will HATE me. But I want to go back home. My youngest made friends a couple of years ago and they are in the village, he would he overjoyed.

Is it really cruel of me to push to move back if I can even get an offer accepted? Knowing that he will hate it. He doesn't consider that in a few years time his friends may move to go to uni, and he could learn to drive. And I will still play taxi.

The house is kept tidy and has had a lot of work done.

Some of my thinking or relating may be a little skewed because of my past, I do find it hard to be authoritative, and I try as much as possible to appease people, and it's taking its toll and I just want peace and to be able to go out for walks straight from my door and to not hear cars whizzing down the street. The kids have been through a lot and I don't want them to be anxious anymore, I don't think I can move back, as posters have said, eldest whole life now is friendships, and he needs easy access.

' He doesn't hit me, but he will hit his brother, and he has started pushing the dog '

He IS abusive.

Needs are not the same as thoughts and feelings and wants, so yes adults do get to make the decisions and that may not always accord with the child's thoughts, feelings and wants.

Secondly are you saying that no kids who live in the countryside develop any socialisation or independence skills?

I dont agree OP should move because I cannot understand people who choose to live in the sticks. However adult needs and decisions do come first unless it causes actual harm to a child.

I'd stay where you are for a couple of years and move when he's a little older and more independent.

I'd worry that a move now will really make it clear than his needs come last.

Please for the love of God rehome your dog asap. I remember your other thread and worried about the dog after reading it. Now hearing that your son is being physically abusive to it has turned my stomach. Please do the right thing.

Excellent advice. X

Yes, most people will want your house at least on the market and ideally under offer before they'll accept your offer on a house.

It seems like a considered move and you need to get away from the black mould.

Is your DS planning to go away for uni in 2 years?

What a load of tosh. My parents split up just a couple of months before my GCSEs & I still managed to get all of my predicted grades! Me & my Mom moved twice in that time, first to live with my Nan, whilst my Mom found work & got back on her feet, then into our own flat. My dad terrorised us a lot back then too. If he's going to stay at his school, with his friends, & be ferries around by mum, where's the problem? When hesworking & earning, he can choose where he lives, until then, bill payers chooses.

I went to view the house today, it was like coming home. It's not much, but its a forever home for me. I didn't tell my eldest. He's been pretty rude all day, I know people have mentioned him being treated as second best, but I treat him well, he's ferried around, I try and be cheery around him, I ask him to things with me, I cook and clean, he has no expectations on him, I'm there for him but also try to give him space, it doesn't matter I'm still the worst mum. It's so sad.

I'm scared to talk to him about it as I'm worried about upsetting him and making him angry. I've noticed he's started getting the bus a bit more the last few days, and he'll use that against any form of discussion.

I've registered my interest in the house. Eldest has already done GCSEs, he turns 16 in a few weeks. He says he's going to uni but wants to live at home.

Your next move will set your relationship with your eldest. Don't under estimate it.

Until your current house is on the market you are not proceedable. Registering interest is meaningless.

I cook and clean, he has no expectations on him

Is not a sensible way to bring up a boy it makes him both clueless and entitled.

Don’t be ridiculous. It won’t do anything of the sort. Fifteen years of love and affection will ‘set’ the tone, not a house move! He will soon get used to it, he doesn’t like where he lives now!

How rural is the villiage? Is there not even 1 bus that would get him into town on a weekend to meet friends? How long would the bus journey be @InAWhirl if so?

I think the fairest soloution is to stay where you are for now. I would move nearby the villiage you like but so your DS has access to a bus route. You cant be always a taxi and he needs to learn to take a bus independently.

It may not be all about him, but that sends a message that he's the least important. That's what he will hear anyway.

I think there's a good chance as his younger brother has SEN that he already feels that he's the one who has to make the compromises.

You need to do it in such a way that he can see the positives. So sit down and discuss with him what the options are. What you can afford, what makes sense, what differences you can all make.
Talk about how if we choose this one, can we make it better for you. If we choose this one, will you make these compromises etc.
And go in with the possibility that he produces good compromises that make his choice the better option too.

He needs to feel that he is as important as his brother and compromises aren't only made in one direction.

There is a bus every 2 hours, which goes through the nearby town and into the city. I understand why posters are saying don't do it, but I think I'm so tired of being a sacrificial lamb. It's my own fault, my perspective is a little skewed, but I went to uni and got a degree and masters so I could support us, I haven't had a proper relationship in 8 years, I met someone I liked (I didn't tell the boys of course) but pulled away because eldest needed me and stopped wanting to spend time at his Dad's. He needs me to collect him from friends at night, even when I'm working (there is a bus but apparently it takes an hour, but is 10 minutes for me), I walk around in crumby clothes whilst I buy the expensive stuff for eldest because that's what his friends are wearing. But also, I'm neurotic, we've been through very difficult times, and I haven't always been a good mum, so I want to make him happy. This is all a bit "whoo is me" ,but I just want to feel at home again and go on walks with the dog without having to drive there.

An older teenager (then younger teenager getting to that age) only having access to buses every 2 hours sounds like an excellent way to be a sacrificial lamb if they want a social life or any age-appropriate independence. Moving to somewhere impractical and isolated will be an excellent way to further alienate an already stroppy teenager.

Stop making hasty decisions. Slow down. It's not just about current wants and needs, it's about how your family will change in the next 10 years or so.

I think a good chunk of this could be him being 15 and in the "brain a bit broken" stage of adolescence, exacerbated by what he's been through and maybe also some bad luck. Some of my friends with absolutely lovely kids got dealt a very rough hand at this age. I remember one of them being adamant that her parents should sell their house and give her a quarter of the proceeds to spend on make up and concert tickets. She was furious when they declined. She's turned out fine but they had a rough couple of years.

I am not ridiculous 🙄 I've lived through a very similar situation. It will have a lasting effect in ny experience.

It doesn’t sound like he’ll treat you any better if you move where he wants to be. If he doesn’t like it back in the village, hopefully he’ll move out to uni, I don’t see why you should put up with 3 years of his attitude when he has the ideal way to move out.

Having read your updates, I've changed my mind. Go for the move, he's finished his GCSEs and is on the next step so no huge interruptions to schooling. You deserve to be happy just don't shut him out of conversations that affect him. Good luck 💐

No vendor is going to accept an offer if you’re not in a proceedable position. Your house needs to be under offer so that the vendor knows you’re in a viable position to buy.

First steps should be getting your house valued and then listing it for sale.

This isn’t normally a quick process, so if homes rarely come up in your preferred location, you need to consider other options, in case this house sells before you have an offer. You seem quite fixed on this one location, maybe cast your net wider in a rightmove search, see what comes up in your budget, and visit some other areas?

I think you'll regret it if you don't make this move. And, as a wise friend once said to me, "It's always better to regret something you've done than something you haven't, because at least you know you tried."

I also think that your eldest is trying to be "man of the house" and dictate what happens. Some of the behaviours you have described sound borderline abusive. You're the adult here, and he could well be off to uni in a couple of years. And it'll only be just over a year before he can get a small motorbike to get out and about on.

Go for it then. It’s your house, you’re paying for it and no one else. I think a lot of people are of the mistaken belief that you will be removing your child from their current school, but if that’s not the case, there will be minimal disruption. My parents moved me & my sister at that age and drove us to the old school for a few years until we finished and went to college. I didn’t like the thought of change (and that’s probably the same as your son) but once we’d moved, I was perfectly happy and got used to it.
Best of luck!