Is it cruel to move back somewhere my teen doesn't want to live?

[InAWhirl]

Just looking for some perspective please. Bit of context, I am a single parent, 2 boys, 15&11, 11 yo has additional AuDHD. We were homeless 3 years ago, and I bought a house in a place i didn't like, 15 minutes drive away from where we'd always lived, simply because I was desperate. I have spent a lot of money on this house, new roof, new front door, new bathroom, simply because the roof was leaking, the door wasn't working properly, and the bathroom had been left dripping water and covered in black mould. We are isolated on a very busy road, but great transport links into the city. We all want to move, we have never settled.

My eldest wants to move into the neighboring town to be near his friends (I do a lot of driving). My youngest and I both want to go home back to our village, which has much worse links to the city, but is safe and surrounded by fields. It's home as far as we're concerned. My eldest will HATE me if I move back there, but I have just seen a house for sale in budget and for the first time I feel excited. I don't want to move to somewhere I hate again. Eldest is already experiencing anxiety, he's very angry and oftentimes takes it out on my and his brother. He will HATE me. But I want to go back home. My youngest made friends a couple of years ago and they are in the village, he would he overjoyed.

Is it really cruel of me to push to move back if I can even get an offer accepted? Knowing that he will hate it. He doesn't consider that in a few years time his friends may move to go to uni, and he could learn to drive. And I will still play taxi.

I know you say you would drive to/from friends but there will be times you can't- what would you do if the 11 year old had a pre booked activity and 15 year old got a spur of the moment invite? Most teenagers like to be able to go under their own steam without relying on mum to see their friends.
If planning has already gone in for 700 houses to be built you have probably already missed the boat to sell...it is unlikely anyone will fail to notice a development of that size in the area regardless of whether actual building has begun or not.
You might have to wait it out until the development is finished anyway before selling in which case your 15 year old might be a young adult with choices over where he lives.

I think it would be really very unfair to move anywhere in gcse years.

The thought of being here, isolated, in a home i hate until building has finished in 8/9 years time makes me feel ill. The development is still is consultation phase and has been for a few years.

After a few months it will probably not be a issue.
Do we all have to revolve our lives around a moody teen?! NO.
You are the parent so you decide.
He can keep in contact online and by phone.
When I shifted I did it to be less of a taxis since we were in the xar 6 days a week.

He also wants to rehome your dog? What?! That sounds to me like a teenager trying to step up into the “man of the house” role and take a lead in adult decisions… I don’t think you making the adult/parental decisions you need to will do him in harm at all although it sounds like he will make home life pretty unpleasant whilst you lay down how it going to be

Yes it’s inappropriate to move a teen to a village with no transport links and nothing locally, and you don’t seem to consider that the younger child is not
thar far off being a teenager, even if he is happy to move right now.

Normally I’d say kids don’t get to choose, parents make the decisions for the family. And of course that’s true. But there’s no question that it’s really mean to make teens live in a small village instead of a town (ask me how I know).

With respect a lot of what you say are feelings about why you dont like living where you are are 'feelings'

Whats the concrete reasons

What do you mean isolated but on a busy road with great links to the city

Your oldest can surely use those great links to travel to the nearest town to see his friends

What do you mean by 'uncomfortable', feeling of 'dread', oldest is 'ashamed of it'

What does all this mean

I dont agree with centering children to the degree they're bossing adults around about big decisions as to where to live. But personally I wouldnt live somewhere in a village which in my view is isolated, with poor transport links, I dont think thats good for children or adults

I would probably work on staying where you are and making that work.

Take him, but only him, to view the village house. Then take a drive and listen more than you talk to him. Just reflect back what he’s saying rather than adding your own views.

It’s easier for dc to talk when they’re side by side than face to face, and it’s easier to focus on them when it’s just the two of you. Listen carefully, because the important things might be in the gaps, or the things he doesn’t say.

How much money do you have, moving is costly, then all this talk of him driving in 2 years, do you have any idea how much lessons cost and then a car and insurance. You're talking thousands and thousands

I would spend that money on some sort of therapy (and I hardly ever say that) to help you deal with how you feel about where you live, you havent actually said what the problem is)

The thought of going back to the village and being isolated in a home he hates is also making your teen feel ill.

You are wanting him to move to a village where it sounds like he has been ostracized by his friends.

This situation sounds like a mess for everyone. But I do think this could cause a substantial and even irreparable rupture in your relationship with your teen.

I hope to move when my kids grow as I have never liked ehere we live. But I wouldn’t move them now. I’ve got at least another eight years to wait too. A

Why does your son want to rehome the dog?
is he having the biggest responsibility for it but it’s really your youngests dog?
is it a reactive dog that barks all the time or causes issues when visitors come over or when out on a walk?

Having just read that he wants OP to re home a dog, I wouldnt be listening to him at all, he sounds like he is turning into a controller and I wonder if the pressure OP feels is from him but she is projecting that onto her housing situation.

could you find a house you prefer in the town you are in now? Or even a flat in a better area?

I'm not really sure why you asked given that you seem to have made your mind up

Given that it doesn’t sound like your house is even in the market this is totally speculative.

OP has made it clear that escaping this house (which the teen also hates and is embarrassed by) is either now or never. And living there is clearly making her ill.

Her teen will move on. OP has her entire future hingeing on this decision.
I appreciate how he feels, but the teen appears to be trying to control multiple aspects of her life, and that isn't on. OP matters, and so does his sibling.

There's no option that works for all three, sadly.

This is a really dumb idea OP. You have a fantasy in your head but the reality will be very different.

One pissed off older teen who can’t get anywhere. Could you even afford for him to have driving lessons at 17, let alone run a second car as posters have suggested? Soon enough you’ll have another pissed off teen who can’t get anywhere either. It would just be another mistake.

More sensible to move into a town with transport links for both kids and yourself.

You’re the adult and more capable of deciding what’s best overall for the three of you. If it’s really affecting your mental health and since you’re looking after 2 children you should move.
he sounds like he’s becoming controlling, was his dad like that?

Your 11yo will soon be bored of living in a village and will want all the benefits of good transport and being near his mates and the city.

Don’t base your decision on what an 11yo wants any more than you should base it on what a 15yo wants.

I’d be inclined to say it would be cruel if he loved living where you are now but he doesn’t, none of you do. The contention arises from him wanting something different to you and his sibling. Ultimately if we’re being democratic, it’s 2:1.

He will be driving himself in a couple of years no doubt and his life/friends will shift next year when he starts college too. I think he’ll have to deal with it, you can’t make both yourself and your younger child miserable to accommodate him.

I’ve waited years to relocate save moving the kids but sounds like they will still be in same school etc so eldest will have to suck it up, he doesn’t get to call the shots. He can choose where to live when he is buying the house.

You shouldn't move a teen and a soon to be teen to a village with no public transport links, however obnoxious the 16 year old has been. If you're going to move, it should be to somewhere with more proximity to job and educational opportunities at this crucial stage.

Why exactly does he want to rehome the dog?

Or maybe it’s a difficult dog and he has too much responsibility for it given that OP describes herself as “barely functioning at work”.

OP hasnt set out exactly what is wrong with where she lives now other to use feeling based descriptors.

I think she needs to reframe her feeling, probably needs CBT

Would I deliberately move a teen doing GCSEs / A levels to a place I knew they hated if I didn’t have to? No I wouldn’t.

Doesn’t mean you can’t but I wouldn’t move a teen who already seems so unsettled and unhappy someone that I knew would make them even worse.