Is it cruel to move back somewhere my teen doesn't want to live?

[InAWhirl]

Just looking for some perspective please. Bit of context, I am a single parent, 2 boys, 15&11, 11 yo has additional AuDHD. We were homeless 3 years ago, and I bought a house in a place i didn't like, 15 minutes drive away from where we'd always lived, simply because I was desperate. I have spent a lot of money on this house, new roof, new front door, new bathroom, simply because the roof was leaking, the door wasn't working properly, and the bathroom had been left dripping water and covered in black mould. We are isolated on a very busy road, but great transport links into the city. We all want to move, we have never settled.

My eldest wants to move into the neighboring town to be near his friends (I do a lot of driving). My youngest and I both want to go home back to our village, which has much worse links to the city, but is safe and surrounded by fields. It's home as far as we're concerned. My eldest will HATE me if I move back there, but I have just seen a house for sale in budget and for the first time I feel excited. I don't want to move to somewhere I hate again. Eldest is already experiencing anxiety, he's very angry and oftentimes takes it out on my and his brother. He will HATE me. But I want to go back home. My youngest made friends a couple of years ago and they are in the village, he would he overjoyed.

Is it really cruel of me to push to move back if I can even get an offer accepted? Knowing that he will hate it. He doesn't consider that in a few years time his friends may move to go to uni, and he could learn to drive. And I will still play taxi.

The 11 year old is also going to be in that position sooner rather than later. If the OP thinks it's relevant that the eldest's friends may move away for uni in a few years, then so is this.

OP, I think you said your oldest will turn 16 next month – so does that mean he has just finished his GCSEs? Where is his Post-16 provision? He will probably make new friends when he starts that in September, so that could help (or make things tricky depending on where you live).

As a very broad general rule, primary school age enjoy living in the country. It gets a lot harder for secondary age kids, especially if all the interesting things to do are in town.
Your eleven year old might want to move now, but in a couple of years he may well agree with his brother. Being in a town is likely to suit teens better.
OP, it's clear you hate living where you are. I would start speculatively looking at other houses. Look at houses in your old village, in town, other houses in your area. Get a real sense for what's out there. A house on the edge of town will feel very different to one in the centre. Don't make a snap decision because you're panicking. That's how you got in this situation in the first place. Do your research, look at the options and make a considered decision together as a family. Is this a pattern, that you're unhappy so you grab at something new without researching properly? If so, I understand why your son is unhappy.

This is so, so important. Puberty changes everything. One minute you have a grumpy teenager and a sunny natured younger one. The next minute the younger one hits puberty and you have two hormonal sods under one roof (probably with a hormonal mother!)

I wouldn’t be driving him anywhere if he was my son and treated me the way your dc is treating you. My goodness, this needs stopping now. That is your issue, not the move.

I’d do it. Sounds like he’ll still be able to do everything he wants to do and you’ll give him lifts. You’re the adult and you’re paying. You sound like a good mum to me and I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all. He can live exactly where he wants when he’s paying.

I’d have a different opinion if you were moving him across the country or if he had to change schools, etc.

Ah so he’s actually almost 16 and I assume has completed his GCSEs so is going to sixth form/college in September anyway? Now is the perfect time to move I’d say if anything.

It seems to me that its possible that moving to the local town won't make your son happy anyway? Is it even do able within your budget?

I think I may be wise to consider more than just the one village. Have an open mind on areas both your children would like. Would it feel like going backwards particularly in a village where your ds has friendship issues. I live rurally with teens and would rather move to town to give them independence. There may be towns with fields and nice walks nearby? Then you may have the best of both.

I feel for you. You are damned if you do and damned if you don’t. I have lived in a house we bought as it seemed the best thing we had seen and it never felt like home. Your house needs to be your home and refuge.
Given you all dislike where you live then moving seems reasonable. My only concern would be that your recent moves have each been done to solve a problem, have been done hastily and have proved to be not ideal, another move needs to be effective and let you settle. View this house not just as a way back to the village but as a potential home.
As your son already dislikes the existing house and is being generally a bit rude, bossy and moody I would not feel too much that he got a say. He is obviously unhappy but that doesn’t get him a free pass to impose his will on the family. He may be struggling with mental health but has refused to engage, he may be autistic but has managed education to date and done his GCSEs. He may just be being a teenager. He may be being influenced by manosphere social media. It may be a mix of all of it.
I would talk to him and try to open up a discussion to understand his views but at the same time I would view the house and possibly set the ball rolling. Work with him on things that could make it better if you moved, stay at his Dad’s sometimes, stay at a friend’s sometimes, think about a moped.
He gets a voice and gets to express an opinion but he doesn’t get to have a power of veto.

OP, take this excellent advice.
As far as teens go, it’s risky to depend on hypothetical driving. It’s so, so expensive for a start.
These are good questions to address when considering a property.

1. Can the kids get to school independently?
2. Is there a reliable bus or rail service for the teens if they want to travel (for example to a nearby city)
3. Are there facilities for teenagers in walking distance? Examples would be a decent skatepark and a cinema. A shopping centre so they can pick up bits independently. Barbers for them to get their trims.
4. Is there safe countryside where they can walk or bike around independently. Good bike routes that don’t involve roads?

Everyone is different of course - but I would absolutely hate it if my teens couldn’t access the above without depending on me for a lift.

I think you need to find a better compromise. I would have been desperately unhappy living so isolated at 15. Two years is a long time when you’re that young.

Having read your updates I really think you need therapy. Your ex was abusive, it sounds like you were bullied by your family too and now you're completely focused on trying to undo a previous poor decision. I think you need help to come to terms with the past and to move forwards.

With your teen I think you need to look at improving your relationship with him in general. Do you get much one-to-one time with him? 15yo boys can be really tricky. It sounds like he's had a tough time too. His relationship with his dad can't be any good if he doesn't want much to do with him. Did they have a particular falling out?

This 100pc
Moving will cause longterm damage at this time

Your child doesn’t get to decide. Yes I absolutely would but a home where I felt safer. You can still give lifts until he starts driving in a couple of years. He will move away one day and you’ll be left to live in that house.

I think if I were you I’d go for it. All the finger-wagging pontificating from previous posters about the GCSEs have come to nought now that he has them done. It sounds like the eldest is very unhappy but also very difficult. You’re all unhappy where you are so get out of there ASAP. Try your village, tell him you’ll move again in a year or two if he insists.

I think people should be driving less, not more, and I find villages depressing and isolating, so I’d go for the town option every time.

Your 15 year old does not get to decide to rehome your dog 😮. Incredible that he even believes that’s something he can dictate. You absolutely need to choose a home that suits you - your eldest will be driving within a couple of years, and even if he says now he wants s to live at home for uni that can easily change. Do not let him control you, it’s not a healthy dynamic for either of you.

But equally an 11yo shouldn’t sway OP’s decision either.

Of course it doesn’t, but I don’t think all those that don’t like teenage boys would have quite the gumption to be as nasty about the 11 yo as they are about the 15yo.

it’s actually quite sad for him that op hasn’t defended or refuted the claim that he is a perpetrator of domestic violence and abuse. Although if it’s true @InAWhirl please seek support on this.

I do think moving teens to a village with little transport is quite a tough gig for them. I do respect your right to pick where you live, but I am a bit worried you'd be creating hundreds of future conflict points with your eldest, each one of which chips away at the benefit of your "home" feeling. I would want to investigate whether there is a 3rd place that would work better for you all. Don't be driven by where your youngest's best friend is, if you can help it. They'll see each other loads at school anyway and you're around at weekends etc for lifts. The best friend thing is turning your youngest into an ally but it's not really a mature decision and there is a risk of you over-weighting it because it makes him so keen.

Sixth form college bus routes can be quite extensive especially at bigger colleges, so counterintuitively further away, bigger colleges can be easier for teens to get to independently than school sixth forms. But he probably already knows where he wants to go in Sept.

Factor in driving lessons and practice and think about funding a car for your eldest, but it can take quite a while to pass driving tests these days and being so young in the year doesn't help. My eldest was over a year from first lesson to first test. Plenty do it quicker than this though.

All that said, it does sound like moving house (in general) is the right thing for you and worth prioritising l.

But he wont be moving from his friends because he doesnt live near them currently.

Moving back to the village seems like a no brainer to me.
You will be happier. Your younger son will be happier.

Your older son might not want to but he is the one who will be living there the shortest. Given he also dislikes your current house and that the current house is still not close enough to see his friends without you giving him a lift then I dont really understand why he would be so unhappy about moving.

It's not like the current house is in the same place as his friends. He's going from a house that he needs his mum to give him lifts to/from to get anywhere to a different house where he needs his mum to give him lifts. He wont be changing schools.

It sounds like moving to where his friends live was never even an option so not sure why that even comes into it.

Op as a lone parent of many years you need to put your oxygen mask on first. You need to do what makes you happy and function the most optimal way possible. Moving to the village sounds financially and mentally sensible. You are going to continue to drive DS around so it actually does not impact him. I will also say we moved to a quiet hamlet recently and my DD17 with AuDHD absolutely loves the peace as do I

Having read all your posts and further updates I would bite the bullet and move back to your old village. He's probably going to hate you for a few years no matter your decision. He's a teen.
He hates where you live now you all do. You'll feel better when the choice is made.

The first thing to sort is your ds calling you names instead of doing his own laundry. He needs to do that.
You also need to have a good long think about your options. Does he really hate the old village, or is he saying it because he's lost his friends? Is there a chance that he could reconnect with them if you moved back? Or has he lost them because of his anger issues, and will this pattern repeat itself wherever he ends up?
And finally what about you, OP? You sound like you have been pushed around all your life, by family, by your ex, and now by your son. How do you learn to establish your boundaries, to work out what you need, not what others tell you you should do, and work to achieve that, instead of panicking and then making reactive, impulsive decisions? Have you had any kind of therapy yourself? Have you spoken to women's aid? Or asked your GP for help?
Go and see the house. But also consider every other option.