Is it cruel to move back somewhere my teen doesn't want to live?

[InAWhirl]

Just looking for some perspective please. Bit of context, I am a single parent, 2 boys, 15&11, 11 yo has additional AuDHD. We were homeless 3 years ago, and I bought a house in a place i didn't like, 15 minutes drive away from where we'd always lived, simply because I was desperate. I have spent a lot of money on this house, new roof, new front door, new bathroom, simply because the roof was leaking, the door wasn't working properly, and the bathroom had been left dripping water and covered in black mould. We are isolated on a very busy road, but great transport links into the city. We all want to move, we have never settled.

My eldest wants to move into the neighboring town to be near his friends (I do a lot of driving). My youngest and I both want to go home back to our village, which has much worse links to the city, but is safe and surrounded by fields. It's home as far as we're concerned. My eldest will HATE me if I move back there, but I have just seen a house for sale in budget and for the first time I feel excited. I don't want to move to somewhere I hate again. Eldest is already experiencing anxiety, he's very angry and oftentimes takes it out on my and his brother. He will HATE me. But I want to go back home. My youngest made friends a couple of years ago and they are in the village, he would he overjoyed.

Is it really cruel of me to push to move back if I can even get an offer accepted? Knowing that he will hate it. He doesn't consider that in a few years time his friends may move to go to uni, and he could learn to drive. And I will still play taxi.

She may well be in a DV/DA relationship with her son and therefore this is impacting on her functioning. The dog is a red herring.

Exactly.

Everyone benefits from better transport links and job options including OP.

In which case moving an angry “abuser” somewhere he doesn’t want to go and will be trapped there is a good idea is it?

In fact, OP says it’s the pressure of their “circumstances” that’s affecting her functioning - ie the home she doesn’t like and wanting to move.

The dog may be key if it has behavioural issues or she’s not walking it.

Hmmm is this house move all about your baby growing up.

Your youngest starting secondary so you now have no links to the village so bad you hid his school photos, you view as a lovely time before you impulse purchased a house you don’t like, that now means you also don’t like driving?

Maybe don’t make another impulse decision.

You're right, this js speculative, I am viewing the house on Friday (I will not tell my teen), I posted because I felt a wave of happiness at the thought of being able to go home, but I know it's wrong for my teen. He is 16 next month and I haven't been a good enough parent, the last 3 years since leaving the village has been incredibly difficult, and he said to me that he thinks he would still be friends with the other boys if we hadn't moved. I feel immense guilt for moving, we weren't evicted, but my LL of nearly 10 years kept saying she wanted to sell, I got scared and jumped because I didn't take the time to understand the process. My family kept telling me to move into my grandmother's flat which resulted in 1.5 hour commute for me twice a day to get kids to their different schools and return home. My grandmother then sold the flat after 3 months after I had spent 6k doing it up. I am estranged from my family for a multitude of reasons now, so we have no one other than my friends who have their own lives. I think posters referring to it as a fantasy are right in a way. It feels like I left home 3 years ago and can't go back. My youngest best friends are in the village and he is desperate to go back. But of course I understand why eldest doesn't want to. I think the current house is causing the feelings in me because it isn't home. We are on the end of a larger village, on a main trunk road. I have tried to get involved with the community and litter picking, but I can't shift my feelings of resentment. The house also had a lot of problems I wasn't prepared for, like the leaking roof, we had sewage coming in downstairs loo.

I just saw the house for sale and thought, I think this is how finding a home is supposed to feel. I want my eldest to feel heard and supported and loved.

Eldest is controlling, I am too soft and have always been. Eldest dad is the same. I often feel like I am walking on eggshells. I will talk to his Dad about driving, he said he could have his current car.

@likelysuspect so the 15 yo not wanting to move from his friends and during GCSEs and there’s issues re the dog that op won’t expand on means he’s committing domestic violence and abuse?

Eldest does nothing for the dog at all, I do everything for the dog. The dog is sweet and great, but barks at new people, eldest hates any bark at all. I am working with a trainer.

Is the eldest ND too? I ask because you mention the youngest being AuDHD.

You can move in a few years

this is an incredibly difficult time for your elder teen

you mention the youngest has audhd- how does that affect the eldest and how would that affect your ability to be constantly running him into the city for friends? Could he also feel neglected ? Which would be reinforced by moving where you and the youngest want to go and he doesn’t

I was going to ask the same thing.

I think you have to be careful about building a golden child/black sheep dynamic here
My youngest best friends are in the village and he is desperate to go back. so oldest sees his having his best friends
in the village as not enough reason to stay, but his brother having his best friends there = let’s go back!!
what do you mean by “controlling like his dad” are you seeing too much of dad in him and this is clouding your view of him?

is youngest more like you or his dad if different dads therefore you see them differently?

I think you need to try and come to terms with where you live. While this house in the village may seem like a good option, the reality is your house isn't on the market and it doesn't sound particularly attractive based on the issues you have. You already mention it will be hard to sell once the new developments get started, so realistically is anyone going to want to buy your house knowing this is about to begin. They might also feel the value of your house will reduce (will the new houses make yours less desirable or people compared the two and feel the newer properties are better) so you might not even get a good offer and be able to afford the village house.

OP, remember your youngest is 11 which is typically a more straightforward age than 15. In a couple of years he may also dislike living rurally.

How often is dog barking at new people then? Can people come to the house? Can dc have friends over without being barked at?

Tell your oldest you'll get him a scooter next year so that he can get into town whenever he likes and generally be more independent.

To be honest, that's going to make it difficult to sell anyway. It would be naive to believe that full details of the development won't come up as soon as any buyer's solicitors starts doing searches.

Your money, your choice. It may not be what he wants, but realistically he’s not going to be in a worse situation as he’s fifteen minutes away from his friends already. I think most children are change averse, and teenagers are hormonally programmed to hate everything that isn’t precisely meeting their needs.
You need to think about the long term, OP, and your own emotional wellbeing.

Oh it’s a barker.

I got scared and jumped because I didn't take the time to understand the process.

But isn’t that what you’re doing again? An impulsive jump without carefully considering the options & consequences.

You know what, I really respect how you have listened and reflected.
But, I started off thinking you should stay where you are for the sake of your son and now I think you should make the move “home” for the sake of yourself.
Surely parenthood doesn’t actually require you to make yourself desperately unhappy does it?

Drip, drip, drip.

Your eldest sounds like he needs mental health support, even if he is reluctant.

You need a compromise and it shouldn't be something your eldest is so opposed to. Also, unless you are already under offer the house you like probably isn't an option.

Your eldest can have a moped next year- he can do his own travelling, he is, after all outvoted.

Parenthood often makes us desperate unhappy / so many children with so many disabilities that take over your life, often leading to the man walking away and the mother surviving on benefits with incredible difficulties

in this case it seems as if an end is in sight even if it’s not for a few years

A factor to consider op is job availability for your 15 year old. How might this be impacted if you were to move more rurally? It is difficult to get jobs as it is. I also wouldn’t depend on him being able to drive until he has actually passed his test and got a car.

What would you do if youngest actually said “I want to stay here” or if he wanted to move elsewhere entirely?