Am I wrong to stay out of a falling out between two friends?

[Lilifer]

I am looking for some perspective or advice on a difficult situation with two long term friends.
Two of my closest friends have fallen out. I’ve known both of them for years. One of them, I’ll call her Emma has been slowly and quietly freezing the other one out for over a year. My other friend, I’ll call her Anna had no idea why and has been really hurt and upset by it. To make things worse, Anna has been going through a really serious health challenge during this time and has had very little support. She’s a single mother, not originally from our city, has no family nearby. I felt awful watching Emma treat her this way and honestly I do think it’s been quite unkind.
But if I’m honest, Emma also intimidates me a little. I’ve seen how she operates when she decides she doesn’t like someone or doesn’t approve of them. She can be wonderful when she’s on your side but when she turns on someone she can be quite aggressive and cutting about it. I’ve watched her do it to others and I really don’t want to end up on the receiving end of that myself.
Then Emma removed Anna from our WhatsApp mum friends group publicly, the notification showed everyone that she’d been removed, which was humiliating for Anna and she was devastated and told me so. Up till then she’d never once asked me to take sides or get involved during the eighteen months of Emma gradually freezing her out. But after this she finally asked me directly to have her back, not to fall out with Emma or cause any scenes, just to quietly be less available to her. Less coffee, less socialising, that kind of thing. She said it was what she would do for me without hesitation.
I told her I always have her back and suggested we meet for a walk to talk. But if I’m being honest, I kept avoiding making the time for it because I didn’t want to have the conversation. Because if we talked properly, I might end up feeling like I had to actually do something. And I wasn’t sure I was prepared to do that.
Then I went away on holiday. While I was away I heard about some other upsetting things that had happened to Anna but I couldn’t really face dealing with it so I sent her some holiday videos and asked how her weekend had gone.
When she told me about another hurtful incident involving Emma I didn’t really respond to that at all apart from to send her funny insta cat video. I just couldn’t face it.
Since I got back Anna has gone a bit quiet. She’s not responding when I send her funny videos or light messages. I feel like things are really awkward between us and I don’t know what to do.
I know Anna is isolated, struggling, and has been incredibly patient. I know she’s only ever asked me for one thing. I know I promised a conversation and didn’t follow through. And if I’m honest, I know exactly why things have gone quiet, because she finally saw through my excuses.
Am I wrong? Am I being a coward? And what would you do in my position?

Seriously. This reads like you are reception age.

By sitting on the fence you are taking sides. With the bully. You need to wear that.

From what you’ve said it sounds like Emma is bullying Anna. You don’t HAVE to do anything, but by sitting by and watching anything you are sending a strong message to them both.

I wouldn’t be able to stay friends with someone who watched me be bullied and didn’t do anything about it because they wanted to protect the bully.

“The other girls will tell Emma”

jesus fucking christ are you six years old???

You say you're all in a "mums group"?

Imagine in a few years Emma's child treats your child the way Emma is treating Anna right now. And all the mutual friends "hate confrontation and don't want to take a side".

Does that help?

Because chances are, Emma's children will turn out
Just
Like
Their
Mum

To me, "supportive" would be meeting up with Anna, acknowledging how she's feeling, and actually being her friend by doing friend things like going for coffee and whatever else you usually do together.

I would find the funny videos and light messages incredibly dismissive and tantamount to taking Emma's side, because by sending them when you know she wants to talk you're basically saying "I hear that you're upset, but I'm choosing to ignore it". Which I would find quite insulting.

If you were struggling with something, and asked your friends to talk it through with you and spend time with you, but instead they sent some photos of their lovely holiday and a few generic jokes doing the rounds, would that make you feel better? Perhaps you have a different idea of what supportive would look like for you but, as the responses here show, many people would interpret that kind of "support" as the opposite.

You are likely to be Anne one day. Think how you'd feel when it happens to you.

You’re not staying out of it.

Sitting back and watching Emma remove Anna from a group chat (who made her the boss?) and saying nothing is absolutely taking a side.

You’re entitled to pick a side, but do stop pretending that you haven’t. You’ve chosen to watch Emma’s isolation of Anna without saying a word, and whilst pretending you’re Anna’s friend but actually send her cat videos when she’s upset.

I hope you at least have the basic manners not to go whinging to Anna when Emma has you in the firing line.

Please when Emma and her DH finally turn on you and your DH, which they will, do not contact Anna for sympathy or to try to rekindle your relationship. She deserves better than that.

I have been extremely supportive of Anna all year during her health problems. I’ve driven her to health appointments, helped her with domestic stuff shopping etc, done all I could on that front, I just didn’t want to be dragged into her conflict with Emma. Why should I be, it’s between them. Maybe Emma was hurt by Anna too in that heated argument and a wife is always going to side with her husband. I’ve been a good friend to Anna, for 20odd years , supported her through her divorce etc I think some of the comments on here are really really unfair. Basically you are saying I have to withdraw from Emma, and get off the fence. That will have very negative consequences for me. Be honest can you all say you would actually do that ? Becasue it’s easy to judge but but not so easy to do the hard things

Pure cowardice. You have described Awful behaviour from you. I despise bullies

So ask Emma? You don't like conflict but you are happy for your best mate to be bullied. You're also showing Anna that you don't have her back at all.

You openly state Emma can be a bitch but you are happy for her continue this behaviour as long as its not directed at you.

I mean fucking heaven forbid the husbands would have to socialise without the ladies. And your DH idolises him? Thats weird!!!

Yes I would do that.

Don’t be obtuse. It just hasn’t been your turn to be frozen out OP, but it will be. If you’d had even a tiny bit of backbone, at least when it’s your inevitable turn in the firing line, you wouldn’t then end up totally ‘friendless’ - but you’re a friend to neither imo, you’re a minion to a Queen Bee bully and a coward who let down a person who incorrectly considered you a friend. HTH

Two faced asshole.

Who do you want to be friends with, OP? Emma sounds like a narcissistic triangulating bitch with a track record of this cruel, socially abnormal behaviour so it’s unlikely to be specifically about Anna as a person. Her DH doesn’t sound much better. You’re a grown woman free to socialise with whomever you please.

So, go out for coffee with Anna if you want to (or your conscience tells you) and don’t worry about what nasty Emma thinks. I’m not saying fan the flames, but if she finds out what’s she going to do? Beat you up outside school? She’s not the boss of you, and maybe it will be a wake up call for her to realise that. Sometimes all it takes with adult bullies is one person to stand up to them, then others have the courage to do the same and the bully crumbles 😉

I personally would cultivate a friendship with Anna - Emma sounds like a horrible person, and the group enabling her aren’t much better. Your DH needs to get a clue as well because her DH sounds horrible.
Be the one who breaks the cycle of Emma Tyranny, OP!

Yes you are a coward.you are frightened of emma..you think you will avoid it happening to you but you won't.. its like that poem that starts " fieT they came for the socialists .and ends ...and them they came.for me..aNd there was no one left to stand up for me".
Poor Anna..
You recognise Emma behaved badly and you didn't call it out. And now you send funny pictures and avoid speaking to her

If I was Anna I would feel well rid once I'd grieved the friendship I thought I actually had

You can't sit on the fence when someone is a bully.

Im not having a go at you because I was in a similar situation and also cannot cope with conflict at all!!

My advice would be to speak to emma. Ask her can she explain what the problem us with anna because you are a bit in the middle and it's difficult. Then just listen and make your own mind up as to whether emma is a nice person or not and reasonable or not.

You then need to meet Anna and massively apologise for the cat video. That was misjudged and a panicked reaction. Explain to anna your feelings, you hate conflict, you weren't dead sure what had gone on, its difficult cos of husbands and you are sorry for not being more supportive.

Then decide what are your values? Being able to look yourself in the mirror is worth the upset of conflict. I promise.
I say this with love

Christ are you all 13 years old?!

You know, you didn't actually say anything nice about Emma in your OP or updates.

All you've said is that you're intimidated by her and your husband hero worships Emma's husband.

It's made you come across as scared and just looking out for yourselves.

I think Anna deserves better friends all round. You realise, don't you, one day you'll end up on Emma's bad side anyway? And then you won't have Anna as a friend anymore either.

Emma is a bully, you’re enabling her and are therefore a bully by default, you’re not sitting on the fence, you’ve picked a side, you’re completely tone deaf in your interactions with Anna, and you are totally self serving.

Yes get off the bloody fence. Your only friends with Emma because she controls everything from what I can gather. You will probably find, when you do decided not to be a coward, others will follow suit.

And, you wouldn't have posted here if you didn't know already, deep down, that what you're doing is wrong.

Emma also intimidates me a little. I’ve seen how she operates when she decides she doesn’t like someone or doesn’t approve of them. She can be wonderful when she’s on your side but when she turns on someone she can be quite aggressive and cutting about it. I’ve watched her do it to others and I really don’t want to end up on the receiving end of that myself.

Even if Anna didn't exist I wanted choose to be friends with Emma. She sounds awful.

You describe youraelf as a good friend but your own actons is that of a shit friend. I feel sorry for Anna.