Am I wrong to stay out of a falling out between two friends?

[Lilifer]

I am looking for some perspective or advice on a difficult situation with two long term friends.
Two of my closest friends have fallen out. I’ve known both of them for years. One of them, I’ll call her Emma has been slowly and quietly freezing the other one out for over a year. My other friend, I’ll call her Anna had no idea why and has been really hurt and upset by it. To make things worse, Anna has been going through a really serious health challenge during this time and has had very little support. She’s a single mother, not originally from our city, has no family nearby. I felt awful watching Emma treat her this way and honestly I do think it’s been quite unkind.
But if I’m honest, Emma also intimidates me a little. I’ve seen how she operates when she decides she doesn’t like someone or doesn’t approve of them. She can be wonderful when she’s on your side but when she turns on someone she can be quite aggressive and cutting about it. I’ve watched her do it to others and I really don’t want to end up on the receiving end of that myself.
Then Emma removed Anna from our WhatsApp mum friends group publicly, the notification showed everyone that she’d been removed, which was humiliating for Anna and she was devastated and told me so. Up till then she’d never once asked me to take sides or get involved during the eighteen months of Emma gradually freezing her out. But after this she finally asked me directly to have her back, not to fall out with Emma or cause any scenes, just to quietly be less available to her. Less coffee, less socialising, that kind of thing. She said it was what she would do for me without hesitation.
I told her I always have her back and suggested we meet for a walk to talk. But if I’m being honest, I kept avoiding making the time for it because I didn’t want to have the conversation. Because if we talked properly, I might end up feeling like I had to actually do something. And I wasn’t sure I was prepared to do that.
Then I went away on holiday. While I was away I heard about some other upsetting things that had happened to Anna but I couldn’t really face dealing with it so I sent her some holiday videos and asked how her weekend had gone.
When she told me about another hurtful incident involving Emma I didn’t really respond to that at all apart from to send her funny insta cat video. I just couldn’t face it.
Since I got back Anna has gone a bit quiet. She’s not responding when I send her funny videos or light messages. I feel like things are really awkward between us and I don’t know what to do.
I know Anna is isolated, struggling, and has been incredibly patient. I know she’s only ever asked me for one thing. I know I promised a conversation and didn’t follow through. And if I’m honest, I know exactly why things have gone quiet, because she finally saw through my excuses.
Am I wrong? Am I being a coward? And what would you do in my position?

Emma's response is a masterclass in avoiding discomfort, personal insight and responsibility.

OP you have twice used the "it's understandable that x would support y under the circumstances" construct - once with Emma siding with and supporting her misogynistic DH, and once with Emma choosing the new partner over Anna.

I beg of you take a tiny minute to interrogate this idea. Why is it understandable that Emma should take this path?

I hear the voice of Emma through this, I wonder if it'sa direct quote. She has twice used this idea very cleverly to twist her self-interest into something else - she is giving herself credit for loyalty to her DH and to the social group.

But loyalty to those who do harm is not a virtue.

And you fell for it OP.

OP, what evidence do you have that what Emma said is actually true? How Emma's DH behaved is proven as several of you witnessed it. You only have Emma's word about the apology etc, her ex is likely biased, and she has a vested interest in not being honest.
And that she would drop Anna because the 'new partner is lovely' is disgusting behaviour, and absolutely shows the awful person she is. Poor Anna, I really feel for her. With 'friends' like you lot, who needs enemies!

Hard to believe that you are all mature married women. This thread should be highlighted for those who worry about not having adult friends.
Keep your circle small and don’t listen to hearsay / gossip especially when the party is involved in a divorce.

So Anna did fuck all to Emma but she excluded her because her ex was badmouthing her

Seems like Emna just wants " yes women" who agrees with her every word

Thanks for your input. This isn’t gossip. I witnessed events myself and have known Anna for over twenty years. Not sure what divorce has to do with whether a friend deserves basic loyalty, but okay

OMG Anna's ex-husband is slagging her off to Emma and Emma's husband! What a shock that must have been!

I don't think either you or Emma have the gumption to realise that it is highly likely that he is an unreliable narrator and that you should take everything that he says about Anna with a whole bucket of salt.

I think it would probably be better for Anna if you and Emma both remove yourselves from Anna's life. She is obviously going through a very difficult time and having such toxic people around won't be helping her.

Still #teamAnna

You know shes a bully, you described how you have observed how she operates when she decides she doesnt like someone or disapproves of them people,you said she intimidates you.
If Emma did to you what she has to Anna and Anna acted as you have how would you feel?

Can you just explain why you think it's ok to befriend the new partner of the ex husband of a friend who just got divorced, believe the story of the ex as to how your friend behaved, and then openly admit you and DH are switching her out, replacing her in your couple friendship with the new partner?

That is what divorce has to do with it.

I know right. It gets more and more ludicrous. On the very unlikely chance that this is actually a genuine story, I really hope none of these people in this story have children (except maybe Anna) to see such a poor example

So Anna’s husband told some nasty, one-side gossip to Emma’s husband and they’ve both decided to believe every word, rather than noticing that Anna hasn’t been washing dirty laundry in public. Nope. Emma is being wholly unreasonable. You should do the right thing and set up a new WhatsApp group without Emma in it.

Yeah this is all made up, are you practicing for your creative writing class? 😂

@Lilifer , I don't understand why you claim to have no interest in politics when according to a recent thread you have, or had, a senior policy role within the Civil Service?

I owe you all an explanation, particularly those who spotted something was off.

Yes, this was a reverse. I’m Anna.

I posted from my sitting-on-the-fence friend’s perspective because I genuinely wanted to understand how others would see her position, see if I was missing something, whether I was being unreasonable in what I’d asked of her, or whether there was a side to this I couldn’t see from where I was standing. I was also afraid I would get eviscerated for being childish petty or immature, which I worried I was or am.

The reason I know her perspective so well is because I know her extremely well. Over Twenty years I’ve come to know how she thinks, how she makes decisions, how she handles conflict. I wrote her perspective as honestly as I could.

There’s one more thing I should add. My friend told me early on that in her opinion, Emma had been cooling off on me because of two specific incidents, the one where I took Emma’s husband to task for saying something horrible about my sister, and the time when Emma and I had a heated political disagreement when the 3 of us were out for dinner. She presented this as speculation at the time. But thinking back on it now, and seeing how specific and certain she was about it, I’m wondering whether it was actually speculation at all, or whether she knew because Emma had told her directly.

To everyone who responded with genuine honesty and thoughtfulness, I thank you. It has really helped me to see things from a different perspective. This whole thing has been really painful for me at a time in my life when I need my friends more than ever. I have no support system near me anymore and with my last child leaving for college in September I really feel the loss of my friends.

I sincerely apologise to anyone who feels taken in or that they wasted their time on this thread. That was never my intention.

I don’t believe this for a second, you’ve been called out for being a spineless enabler and didn’t like it

Although I generally hate reverses, OP, I am sorry your ex is bad mouthing you, I'm sorry your shit friends are choosing him and his new squeeze over a 20 year old friendship, and I'm sorry one of them replied to distress with cat videos.

Sod the lot of them.

Well done @LilyMumsnet - your testing of the OP’s veracity must have been really robust! 🙄🙈🤣

I fucking hate reverses. They’re a real pisstake.

This has happened to my 18 year old daughter at school. Excluding someone falls smack bang in the definition of bullying. Not standing with someone who is being bullied, and going along with it is bullying. You're a grown up. Where is your back bone. Behave with integrity.

I think reverses are a form of catfishing and poster who do it should be banned.

Thank you @OttersOnAPlane🙏

I'm sure this has been said repeatedly

But you have chosen sides?

You saw one friend being treated badly

You sided with the person treating her badly. Because it was easier for you

Now at the mere idea of spending time with your friend Anna who has been ostracised, you're flapping about and whining about "being made to take sides".

No. You're expected to act like a friend to her as well as to the woman you watched bully her. But you aren't capable. You will stick with the bully, eventually freeze Anna out as well and when she doesn't respond to your monthly text you'll whine about how she fell out with you for no reason despite you "not taking sides"

I hope Anna finds some better friends. Although anyone with a spine will be an improvement.

Oops just seen this comment, and sorry Anna, you absolutely deserve better friends than that bullying arse and her bunch of limp lettuce mates.