Am I wrong to stay out of a falling out between two friends?

[Lilifer]

I am looking for some perspective or advice on a difficult situation with two long term friends.
Two of my closest friends have fallen out. I’ve known both of them for years. One of them, I’ll call her Emma has been slowly and quietly freezing the other one out for over a year. My other friend, I’ll call her Anna had no idea why and has been really hurt and upset by it. To make things worse, Anna has been going through a really serious health challenge during this time and has had very little support. She’s a single mother, not originally from our city, has no family nearby. I felt awful watching Emma treat her this way and honestly I do think it’s been quite unkind.
But if I’m honest, Emma also intimidates me a little. I’ve seen how she operates when she decides she doesn’t like someone or doesn’t approve of them. She can be wonderful when she’s on your side but when she turns on someone she can be quite aggressive and cutting about it. I’ve watched her do it to others and I really don’t want to end up on the receiving end of that myself.
Then Emma removed Anna from our WhatsApp mum friends group publicly, the notification showed everyone that she’d been removed, which was humiliating for Anna and she was devastated and told me so. Up till then she’d never once asked me to take sides or get involved during the eighteen months of Emma gradually freezing her out. But after this she finally asked me directly to have her back, not to fall out with Emma or cause any scenes, just to quietly be less available to her. Less coffee, less socialising, that kind of thing. She said it was what she would do for me without hesitation.
I told her I always have her back and suggested we meet for a walk to talk. But if I’m being honest, I kept avoiding making the time for it because I didn’t want to have the conversation. Because if we talked properly, I might end up feeling like I had to actually do something. And I wasn’t sure I was prepared to do that.
Then I went away on holiday. While I was away I heard about some other upsetting things that had happened to Anna but I couldn’t really face dealing with it so I sent her some holiday videos and asked how her weekend had gone.
When she told me about another hurtful incident involving Emma I didn’t really respond to that at all apart from to send her funny insta cat video. I just couldn’t face it.
Since I got back Anna has gone a bit quiet. She’s not responding when I send her funny videos or light messages. I feel like things are really awkward between us and I don’t know what to do.
I know Anna is isolated, struggling, and has been incredibly patient. I know she’s only ever asked me for one thing. I know I promised a conversation and didn’t follow through. And if I’m honest, I know exactly why things have gone quiet, because she finally saw through my excuses.
Am I wrong? Am I being a coward? And what would you do in my position?

So Emma has to control everyone? Taking his new partner 'under her wing'? She is playing you all and controlling everyone. She's abusive and so his her husband - they have money and play on this to retain loyalty.

It's quite pathetic and you are too not to be able to see it and to go along with it.

Anna is best off out of it.

In my experience people like Emma will eventually do exactly the same to you, so you're better off keeping someone like Anna in your life.

I am trying to fix this but I can’t do anything until I actually hear Emma’s side of it which I will do later this morning

Please don’t ‘fix’ it. Anna is better off without both you and Emma.

You two deserve each other.

@Swiftie1878 so I can’t win can I ? If I try to fix things I’m told not to bother and at the same time I’m being told to support/be loyal to Anna?? Maybe I can get Emma to see if from Anna’s side if I know why she’s acted like this.

Anna has cut you off. Respect her wishes.

Edited as I hadnt Read the thread

If I try to fix things I’m told not to bother and at the same time I’m being told to support/be loyal to Anna??

I think the point was that it's too late. You shat all over poor Anna with your cat videos and being complicit with Emma's bullying behaviour.

She's seen you for who you are. You broke this and I doubt you can fix it.

There’s a mighty drip feed. That sounds a more likely reason for the freeze out than the “political conversation” which is the excuse.

Also means you won’t be frozen out while your husband doesn’t divorce you. Ouchies.

You didn’t try to fix anything. You sent another meaningless ‘friendly’ surface level message, which clearly announced you don’t have her back, you don’t care enough even to talk about it and you will never ever stand up for anyone when it’s not convenient for you. That’s putting a match to the friendship not trying to fix it. Congratulations, you successfully killed a friendship stone dead then set it on fire.

I am glad you are going to ask Emma what's going on. But you willl just nod and smile.

It is being a poor friend to be like this - and a poor human for yourself too. You allow no challenge to yourself or others, which means you opt out of inviting others to grow. You have allowed your family trauma to keep you stuck - you see the world as only either anger and confrontation OR appeasement and making yourself small.

Challenge and assertiveness can be done with love. Kind clarity is a key part of good relationships.

OP on some level you're not happy living like this, are you? That's why this is bothering you and why you posted.

You are keeping yourself small and surrounding yourself with people who also have no interest in growing. Excluding and bullying are about fear and control from the bully. You are all operating from a place of fear.

I’ve no interest in politics anyway and I just don’t challenge her because life is easier that way, not just with Emma but with other friends and family

Being uninterested in politics is another fear based stance, politics is the conversation about how our behaviour to one another should best be regulated. You can't even handle it in 121 relationships, no wonder your brain is telling you that it's "boring" at larger levels.

But the world is out there. People need rights and protections. People like Anna, Emma, and you, are part of society. You have to stand up for good behaviour - like not perpetuating rape culture by allowing misogyny for example. Like not allowing people who have less social status (eg the single mum vs the shiny new partner) to be left out. It is literally the same process as excluding and minoritising disabled groups, ethnic groups, women, and so on.

First they come for the Annas, then they come for you.

You might not be interested in politics but you are doing politics. You don't get to sit this out.

Respectfully, by your own admission, you aren’t on the receiving end of the bullying because you a beg, and you seem quite content in being so. It’s really cringe reading your replies, not because you having this issue (challenges with standing up to friends is a common issue people struggle with) but because you are actually boasting about being a happy-go-lucky person at the expense of your dignity.

The thing is that you know that if something awful happened to you, e.g. your husband left you for another woman, Anna would be completely on your side and would do everything that she could to help and support you.

Emma, on the other hand, would decide that you had lost your social 'cachet' and would drop you llike a hot potato.

Good. Adult bullies are awful, it’s not like they wait for you at the school gate, they slowly remove and exclude you from the group, gently at first so the victim thinks they’re going mad. At least as a kid it is clear when you have attracted a bully.
I would back away from Emma, she’s a queen bee. Maybe back away from Anna too, stay neutral.

You do realise that you are making Emma sound worse, not better? Deliberately cultivating Anna's ex-husband and his new partner to upset Anna is horrible behaviour.

Don't you have enough empathy or insight to be able to put yourself in Anna's shoes and think how Emma's and her husband's behaviour would make you feel if they were doing it to you? Boasting that they would never treat you like they've treated Anna shows you in a worst light, not a better one.

The 90's called, they want their mean girl energy back.

You're very good at ignoring what's going on around you if it doesn't suit your narrative. You're very shallow and entirely selfish. This is all about how you can have what you want and who cares about the person, in this case Anna, who might get in the way of that.
Unfortunately, most people here are better at looking at what's actually going on and can see through the perspective you're so keen on putting forward. The more you talk about it, the worse you all look. I hope Anna's silence means she's realised you're no friend and is moving on with her life without any of you. She'll be much better off for it.

It’s a good move to question Emma about it. Well done.

Looks like Emma has arranged it all so that your two DH's, Anna's Ex, and you, Emma and Anna's Ex's new partner who has been sheltering under Emma's mighty wings can all have lovely carefree chats at the golf club about Boris Johnson now, without having to worry about Anna popping up and disagreeing about how intelligent BJ is.

Have you messaged her to apologise,rather than sending superficial pictures and small talk?

Re: the friendships, you can do what is right or what is easy

I met up with Emma and asked her about the WhatsApp group removal of Anna, and asked her to tell me about the reason for the breakdown of their friendship. Emma said it’s been a slow realisation that Anna is not that nice of a person. She said she didn’t want to break his confidence but that Anna’s exDH had told her (Emma’s) DH about some of the stuff that happened during their separation and divorce. She said she also found Anna argumentative and difficult, and that her (Emma’s) dh had given her the full story of when Anna confronted him about the comment about her sister and that he had tried to apologise but she just wouldn’t accept it and kept giving out to him. Emma said she had tried to overlook all this and continue the friendship but that she had felt it was inauthentic now and that she couldn’t be around Anna. She accepted she should have done this sooner but that she was trying to stay friends. She also said she had gotten to know Anna’s ExDH’s partner and that she’s a lovely woman, and that Emma can’t stay friends with both and that it’s natural she would choose the new partner in all the circs.

i did push back, saying that the WhatsApp group thing felt quite cruel given Anna’s isolation now as me and her were Anna’s closest friends and also her lack of Dh for any support.

Emma said she felt a bit bad but that Anna was tougher than she looks and that I shouldn’t feel bad for her as she’s not all she seems.

there didn’t seem any point discussing it further at that point as Emma had made up her mind.

Now that I have heard both sides, I don’t think Emma is being completely unfair although I do feel strongly that the WhatsApp thing was not a nice thing to do.

I think the teacher might be calling you all in for your milk

Assuming this is not all a creative writing exercise (which actually I think it is)…

So you’ve decided to side with Emma. Well, what a surprise (not). After all, the complaints of Anna's ex-husband, as told to his mate Emma's husband, are bound to be true and unvarnished, aren’t they?

I can’t be bothered with this nonsense any more.

Thanks. I needed a good laugh to end my Friday.