AIBU to refuse looking after my sister's child during her honeymoon?

[NotHappyFamilies]

My sister is getting married in just over 2 weeks. I have helped her to organise her wedding and looked after her child when she has been to appointments and had wedding things to sort out. It’s a big wedding, she’s found it all quite stressful so I have done what I can to help.

I have booked 2 weeks off after her wedding because I feel like I need the rest after all the stress and I have leave to use. My husband and I are going away for 2 nights but we plan to chill out at home, get some things done around the house, go out for meals, have an evening at the theatre and just spend some time together.

My sister wasn’t planning on a honeymoon but her in-laws have just gifted them 2 weeks at their holiday home. Her partner was aware but it was a surprise to my sister until over the weekend when they told her.

We presumed they would take their child with them but yesterday they asked if we would have her when they’re away so they get a proper honeymoon. I must have looked horrified as my sister said maybe in-laws could have her for one week so could we just have her for one week.

I have said no as my husband and I also want to spend time together. My sisters child is 8 and although she is lovely, we’ll have to entertain her. Our children are older so don’t require looking after and we have had a stressful few months with GCSEs and the wedding prep. We just want to relax. My husband has also said absolutely no way.

My sisters in laws have contacted me to say that we can sort this between us and let my sister and new husband have a lovely honeymoon.

Are we being unreasonable?

Personally I would do it for my sister because we're very close and we've helped each other out with DC. However, her partner would've shared with us way before and my sister wouldn't probably even ask or if she did would adamently say not expected. Xx

Your sister has two options as far as I can see it now she knows she can only get 1 week of childfree time from PIL and no one else will have dn- option 1) she has a one week honeymoon childfree or option 2) she has a 2 week family holiday after her wedding.

Shes an adult. Her and her DP are perfectly capable to sort this between them.

Yes, but that is an "easier" option than having her for the full day if they say they cant manage or have the time.

@Yetone you are right cost is a factor, considering they are honeymooning in the summer holidays, it is probably less expensive than sending her to join her parents.

Regardless, the partner and in-laws are now facing the consequences of their poor planning and assumption that others will care for the child. They don't have many options left that doesn't cost them money. And at the centre of this is an 8 year old child.

Regardless, the partner and in-laws are now facing the consequences of their poor planning and assumption that others will care for the child.

CANCEL THE CHEQUE!

The partner and in-laws made no such assumptions. They assumed that DNiece would go with her parents. It is DSis who has thrown a spanner in.

No, I don’t think OP should be looking after an 8 year old girl. I think the girl should be going with her parents. Someone suggested putting her into a camp. I was just pointing out that there would still be a lot to do.
This is OPs holiday. The first one since Christmas. Her selfish sister wants her to give it up. OP has had a lot on her plate. The poor little girl should be having a holiday too. I don’t think most people would go on holiday for 2 weeks without taking their young child.
For what it is worth, I have grandchildren this age and they often spend 3/4/5 days with us during the school holidays but they are always really pleased to see their parents when they collect them. It is also quite full on even though my husband and I love having them and we are active for our age.

To be fair, their son is all for taking the child with them on honeymoon, so they probably thought that would be happening. It’s the mother who decided she didn’t’ want to take her/him.

I think I confused you. It was me that suggested a camp and I was also replying to someone else.

The moral of the child not joining her parents is dependant on many other factors.

I meant that the in-laws should care for the child but should consider a holiday camp to make it a bit easier for themselves. Not for OP to look after her niece.

The one in the wrong here is the partner who told his parents that this would be ok and allowing it to be booked before making arrangements. This was all booked as a surprise for OPs sister, I dont think the partner & inlaws even booked for the child to join them as im sure the inlaws would be angry about potentially losing their deposit.

The one in the wrong here is the partner who told his parents that this would be ok and allowing it to be booked before making arrangements. This was all booked as a surprise for OPs sister, I dont think the partner & inlaws even booked for the child to join them as im sure the inlaws would be angry about potentially losing their deposit.

What deposit? In laws own the holiday home. It’s unclear if flights/eurostar/ferry are part of the gift or if they have been booked yet.

Sorry, i did read all of OPs posts but somehow missed the one where it states the partner/DH was willing for the child to go but not her sister.
Hence no plans were made for childcare. 🙄

In that case, ignore my previous posts. The partner/inlaws are not at fault, this is all OPs sister and she needs to accept that her child goes with them or they only have a week.

Then dh needs to man up and say their child is coming

Presume your poor niece is feeling great about being the inconvenient problem that her mum has to sort to enable her to have two weeks holiday without her daughter.

I doubt the niece knows anything about it, given her mum has only known about it for a week.

I wouldn’t want to be away from my 8 year old for two weeks.

Quite! My younger brother married his partner of 9 years and they had two children (7 and 3) by then.

They just went on a family holiday afterwards as it was school holidays and they were a FAMILY.

Same

we called it a honeyday or holimoon 😂

cringe yes I know

Sorry no we have made plans and can’t at short notice.

Anyway…not your problem to solve; you’re merely the auntie, not the parent.

I agree, just because the OP isn’t able to do it, it doesn’t become her responsibility to resolve

You are kidding? The child is theirs and absolutely no way should it be expected that the newlyweds can offload their child.

Are people with FAMILIES not allowed to go away without their children ever, then?

@Mollymoo67 Of course, but parents can't just expect family members to provide two weeks of childcare, especially at short notice!

My husband and I used to go away to somewhere tropical and warm every winter for about 10 days and we would leave the children behind. My mother came to stay - her dog got flown in as well. But a professional nanny lived in for the 10 days - if you pay well there is no trouble attracting somebody. My mother enjoyed spending time with the children without any hard work. I left plenty of nice home frozen meals in the freezer as well as spending money. They had outings and had a great time. We just considered this part of the cost of a childfree holiday.

Is asking the same as expecting? I don’t know if my sister can look after my kids unless I ask, but I don’t expect that it’ll always be a yes.

OP is well within her rights to say no, her sister defo shouldn’t have pushed it and asked if it was possible for OP’s kids to help out to make it work (assuming the original no was firm) but if you don’t ask for help, you’ll never know if it’s available.
it’s not as if she’d turned up on the day of departure, daughter and suitcase in tow and said ‘oh, I thought it would be ok’

If the child-free holiday involves taking over another family member’s annual leave against their will: NO.

again though, how is she meant to know if it’s ’against her will’ if she doesn’t ask?

she asked, OP said no.

She’s not created hell because it (that we know of)

people are acting as if it’s a moral sin to even ask.

neither of them have done anything wrong here.

She hasn’t created hell @bitmiffed26 but she was clearly expecting a yes and hasn’t really accepted the OP’s no.

but yesterday they asked if we would have her when they’re away so they get a proper honeymoon. I must have looked horrified as my sister said maybe in-laws could have her for one week so could we just have her for one week.

So the first thing Sis did when OP “looked horrified” wasn’t to say “ok, cool, I thought I’d ask” but to try and bargain something else (with the in laws who she also hadn’t asked at that point)

My sister’s in laws have contacted me to say that we can sort this between us and let my sister and new husband have a lovely honeymoon.

Sis then enlisted the in-laws to try and push OP to accept option 2 of a week each (actually slightly more for OP)

I saw my sister yesterday and she was trying to persuade us to have our niece for just over a week as her parents in law can only do 5 days of the 2 weeks. I said no. She was asking my kids to chip in and help us. They said they had things planned, so it was left as my sister and partner will have to take my niece with them. My sister was not happy

And Sis still didn’t take no for an answer and was trying to go around OP by asking her kids (which is a nonsense, even if the teens had time to play with their cousin, they wouldn’t be the ones in charge of transport, meals and a place to stay)

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I don’t think it’s a sin to ask (if it’s a genuine ask which is fine with a yes or a no). If Sis had said to OP “any chance you could have little Suzy whilst we go on honeymoon” - “no, sorry, need to chill and catch up on family time” - “fair enough, we’ll figure something out or take her with us” - then OP wouldn't have started the thread.