AIBU to refuse looking after my sister's child during her honeymoon?

[NotHappyFamilies]

My sister is getting married in just over 2 weeks. I have helped her to organise her wedding and looked after her child when she has been to appointments and had wedding things to sort out. It’s a big wedding, she’s found it all quite stressful so I have done what I can to help.

I have booked 2 weeks off after her wedding because I feel like I need the rest after all the stress and I have leave to use. My husband and I are going away for 2 nights but we plan to chill out at home, get some things done around the house, go out for meals, have an evening at the theatre and just spend some time together.

My sister wasn’t planning on a honeymoon but her in-laws have just gifted them 2 weeks at their holiday home. Her partner was aware but it was a surprise to my sister until over the weekend when they told her.

We presumed they would take their child with them but yesterday they asked if we would have her when they’re away so they get a proper honeymoon. I must have looked horrified as my sister said maybe in-laws could have her for one week so could we just have her for one week.

I have said no as my husband and I also want to spend time together. My sisters child is 8 and although she is lovely, we’ll have to entertain her. Our children are older so don’t require looking after and we have had a stressful few months with GCSEs and the wedding prep. We just want to relax. My husband has also said absolutely no way.

My sisters in laws have contacted me to say that we can sort this between us and let my sister and new husband have a lovely honeymoon.

Are we being unreasonable?

How much did your sister babysit your kids? How much babysitting have you done recently?

That's irrelevant. OP has booked time off for herself and her DH and she has plans. There's no way she should be expected to change that. This is where the phrase 'lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part'. The in laws fucked up, they can find out.

Yanbu. Just reply to the sisters in law “oh that’s kind of you to offer! I am sure my sister will appreciate you stepping up. I have so much already planned for my time off after the wedding, and it has been such an exhausting year what with GCSEs and all the wedding planning, i couldn’t manage having DN to stay. It’s lovely that you’re able to complete your parents’ gift by looking after DN.”

Tell the truth! You’re exhausted, it’s the end of GCSEs for your own DC and you all took time off to recover.

Your family needs recovery time - maybe the next trip will be better timing for everyone.

I think the word Shattered is an over exaggeration on your part. Why would you be shattered helping with your sisters wedding and need two weeks off.

Each to their own but I’d try to reach a compromise with your sister about looking after your niece and as others have suggested maybe her in-laws can mind her for a week and you take her the other week.

Not aimed at yourself. But poor child.

How often did your sister help you with childcare when yours were little?

I think if she did have your kids then yeah you should. 2 weeks is a very long time to relax.
But of course you can say no.

We are quite close. I have helped a lot with the wedding and before my niece (is that better?) started school, I looked after her once a week to save them nursery fees. We also regularly babysit. My kids babysit too.

Its not about her being a nuisance and obviously I love her, its about is having 2 weeks off together after a stressful period and just wanting time as a couple and family.

It's MN so the majority will say you're not being unreasonable because on MN everyone is ridiculously selfish and only ever wants to spend time with their DH and kids. But in real life it's unkind and a bit odd that you don't want to have your niece for a week if you're close to either your sister or your niece (or want to be).

You’ve done enough OP! Just say you’ve made plans, had you been made aware sooner etc and directly ask why the groom had not planned childcare for the full two weeks?

I second the seconder!! CF’s!

How odd to presume you know how a stranger feels.

Sorry, but when you have a child, you don’t get a ‘proper’ honeymoon! Not unless it comes with robust childcare that is arranged well in advanced by people who have actually offered.

Being guilt-tripped into being any part of it, is just going to lead to bad feeling.

Poor 8 year old not being with her mum/parents for two weeks at the last minute, just after they get married as well-if I was the parents, I’d be making sure she felt 100% included in family life, not shunted onto exhausted family members at the nth hour before their much-needed summer break.

No, no, no.

Would she have had your children or one of your children for you for that length of time?

Irrespective of that I think 2 weeks is a really long time to leave an 8 year old. They can have a lovely time and relax away from their child for a long weekend or a week or so.

I'd offer a couple of days and suggest the grandparents do the rest / fly out with the child so they get some child free time and some family time.

Out of interest is her new husband, the child's dad? If not I'd be worried she was feeling pushed out

YANBU. When you have children you don’t get the luxury of two week child free holidays. One week with their daughter at her grandparents, sure but asking for two weeks childcare is taking the piss.

Can’t really pop an 8 year old back up there can she?

I’m surprised they’d leave her for two weeks, seems a bit much all round.

I would definitely help out and be happy to share with in laws. 8 year olds really don’t need entertainment - at least mine and my neice don’t. Maybe your sister could offer your older kids some babysitting cash to help you out too?

I've often thought that a ten day holiday has about the same effect as a 2 week one. In your shoes I'd offer to do half a week and spend some time as a family with your niece during that time. That would help them out with a chunk but not be that disruptive to your plans.

Could you not share a week’s care with their in laws and then she joins them for the second week. That seems a good compromise.

We’re early into planning our wedding, we have a 3 year old DC and are already planning on a maximum 4 night honeymoon break as we know we shouldn’t (and don’t want to) impose upon anybody for childcare more than that. And even then those nights will be shared between a couple of people. Highly unrealistic to expect you can have a two week honeymoon when you have children! They should have a week alone maybe, then have in-laws bring their DC for the second week perhaps!

Hell no, what if you and DH had booked 2 weeks away for yourselves? Whoever would have had your niece in those circumstances can have her in these.

Been in a similar position myself and stuck to my guns. Had to ignore rumours of sulkiness but tough.

Enjoy your time with DH.

I think you’re being a bit mean, but I also think your sister is being unreasonable too - two weeks is a huge ask. Can you compromise and offer to have her for half a week, in laws have her for half a week, and your sister only goes away for one week?

It’s really cheeky , your kids are older and don’t need the attention an 8 year old does I can see why you aren’t keen it would totally change your much needed 2 weeks off .

No! You have plans - that’s all you need to say. The in-laws can’t give a gift that requires other people to do all the work. They should really have thought of that before offering.

Never really. When my kids were little, she was living abroad and travelling a lot. We visited each other but she only came back to live in England when she was pregnant and my kids would have been about 7 and 10. Then she was coping with her own baby and toddler so I wouldn’t have asked her to have my children.

It’s not about that though, it’s not tit for tat, we just want 2 weeks off together to relax after all the wedding, exam and work stress.

Fuck THAT!