AIBU to refuse looking after my sister's child during her honeymoon?

[NotHappyFamilies]

My sister is getting married in just over 2 weeks. I have helped her to organise her wedding and looked after her child when she has been to appointments and had wedding things to sort out. It’s a big wedding, she’s found it all quite stressful so I have done what I can to help.

I have booked 2 weeks off after her wedding because I feel like I need the rest after all the stress and I have leave to use. My husband and I are going away for 2 nights but we plan to chill out at home, get some things done around the house, go out for meals, have an evening at the theatre and just spend some time together.

My sister wasn’t planning on a honeymoon but her in-laws have just gifted them 2 weeks at their holiday home. Her partner was aware but it was a surprise to my sister until over the weekend when they told her.

We presumed they would take their child with them but yesterday they asked if we would have her when they’re away so they get a proper honeymoon. I must have looked horrified as my sister said maybe in-laws could have her for one week so could we just have her for one week.

I have said no as my husband and I also want to spend time together. My sisters child is 8 and although she is lovely, we’ll have to entertain her. Our children are older so don’t require looking after and we have had a stressful few months with GCSEs and the wedding prep. We just want to relax. My husband has also said absolutely no way.

My sisters in laws have contacted me to say that we can sort this between us and let my sister and new husband have a lovely honeymoon.

Are we being unreasonable?

He thought it would be fine cos he thought they could take her. Which would be fine - for normal parents.

Honeymoons came about for two main reasons, a little because before cars, trains and planes it was hard for everyone to get to the wedding so the newly weds often did a sort of display tour to mark the fact the bride and groom were off the market and had sealed the deal, and also, and more importantly, because in the days when you didn't spend time together without a chaperone, they needed to get to know each other. Yes, of course "carnal" knowledge, but also really what we would now call a pretty basic knowledge of what makes them tick generally: moods, tastes, interests, pet hates.

If you don't have children and you can afford it (and lots can't) it can be a nice tradition for a newly-wed couple, but not when no-one wants to mind your child and you've lived together for many years anyway. In those circumstances it should be what it is: a family holiday, not a "honeymoon."

They should have asked well in advance but I would have her as its a one off and she is your family. You have your whole life to take time off with your husband so a week with your niece don't kill you.

no, never lie about stuff like this.

what about the niece's feelings?

And her DSis has her whole life to take a week off with her DH - they have been together at least 9 years and been away for a holiday without their DD at least once.

This. I don’t understand why Bridezilla’s wants for her own holiday trump Bridezilla’s DD’s, OP’s, OP’s DH’s, and OP’s DC’s wants for their holidays…

Because ... BRIDE!!!💝👰

(I'm agreeing with you btw!)

.

The vast majority of 8-year olds would not cope well with being away from their parents for 2 weeks in the summer holidays. A few days - fine, but 2 weeks is excessive and this is not a one-off.

I don't really care if acknowledging this makes anyone feel judged.

You care about the potential for hurt feelings amongst mums who read this and feel judged. But where is your care for the child?

Bloody hell OP, this is absolutely bonkers.

YOU have planned a two week holiday with your DH to fit around your caring responsibilities for MIL. You have plans in that time.

This is someone unilaterally deciding to trash your holiday. It's incredibly rude. YADNBU and please stick to a firm 'no, that's not possible we've made other plans'. I'd personally be inventing a 2 week trip to Ibiza.

I also feel for the poor child - suddenly being separated from her parents with no warning. She must feel really unwanted. I think you'd remember being left behind whilst they have a last minute holiday, not in a good way, at 8. Maybe she'd quite like to go to France too, maybe she was looking forward to spending some time with her parents in the summer hols. How sad for her.

OP has already said her parents have been away for that long before. Not all kids are the same.

Personally, I wouldn’t want to spend a fortnight away from my children, especially when it wouldn’t be a quick and easy drive/train ride to get back to them.
my children also wouldn’t like it. For us, a weekend (sometimes long) away is the sweet spot. But some children can’t even do a night.
horses for courses.

maybe this child is ok with it, and enjoys the excitement that can come with family sleepovers.

maybe she’s not. We don’t know that.

I probably would have helped for one week but you’re under no obligation to, the in laws should have arranged childcare really.

But you still haven't answered the question!!!! 😩

The bride has one child, an 8 year old DD. Ideally OP would have phrased it as her sister having a baby who became a toddler, but she didn't. However, it is very clear from the posts and the context that there is only one nibling to be cared for.

It's surprising how often people do this sort of thing.

My son used to do an activity and the leader's parents decided to give her a Christmas present of a trip to Argentina - 3 weeks away. They just booked it without checking on her professional commitments.

And a few years later I was in a team of 3 and two of us had booked time off around Easter. The third person's parents decided to invite on a cruise with them and book it without asking her first. My boss wasn't impressed but did let her have the time off too.

But who does that? You don't just book things for people without checking they can go/have other commitments (like a child!)

It's not a one-off, the child is only 8 and no doubt there will be other trips they want to do.

And the OP could fall under a bus tomorrow, you never know what might happen.

Not her child, not her responsibility. She could say yes for a couple of days but not a couple of weeks or even one week, that's mad. It's not even school time so you've got the niece the whole time - that is a hell of a commitment.

But who does that? You don't just book things for people without checking they can go/have other commitments (like a child!)

Except the PILs checked with the groom, who was perfectly happy to bring DNiece (his DD) and therefore no childcare was required.

im always shocked at how people treat their family. She’s your niece and I think lots of other families wouldn’t see this as the big deal that you do

YANBU
You have helped out a lot and it is ok to say no.

I would message her in laws and say you have said no and please respect that.

You have done a lot. You have helped her a lot. You are juggling several things. It is ok to say no to this.

I am often shocked at how people treat their children. Everybody including the groom, but excluding the bride, the child's ACTUAL mother assumed that the child would go on holiday with her parents. It was the child's ACTUAL mother who wants to leave her behind.

At how "people" treat their family...?

Well, I'm shocked at DSis, who has benefitted from OP looking after DNiece during bridal appointments, who is aware that her niblings (OP's DCs) have been going through exam stress, who realises that her BIL's DM is very ill and needs care, who knows that OP hasn't had a holiday since Xmas... just assumed that OP would give up her much needed AL to take her DD for two weeks.

Any thoughts on it looked at from that angle?

I’m shocked at how people treat their family too—the bride palming her child off at the nearest relative for a fortnight, and asking her sister, her BIL, and her DN to cancel their holidays to watch her daughter at short notice. An appalling way to treat your family, especially a family member who has given you free childcare so you didn’t have to pay nursery fees.

Your in-laws are being awfully generous with YOUR free time. How nice of them /s. Please say NO and stick to it!

Cant the inlaws have the kid for 1 week then take her over to France for the second week. Perhaps they can all stay for the second week.

You are not being unreasonable. The wedding is neither here nor there in my opinion. You booked 2 weeks leave, you and your husband have made plans. You are allowed to do that! You don't need to cross reference with all and sundry to make sure it's convenient. You enjoy your time off