AIBU to refuse looking after my sister's child during her honeymoon?

[NotHappyFamilies]

My sister is getting married in just over 2 weeks. I have helped her to organise her wedding and looked after her child when she has been to appointments and had wedding things to sort out. It’s a big wedding, she’s found it all quite stressful so I have done what I can to help.

I have booked 2 weeks off after her wedding because I feel like I need the rest after all the stress and I have leave to use. My husband and I are going away for 2 nights but we plan to chill out at home, get some things done around the house, go out for meals, have an evening at the theatre and just spend some time together.

My sister wasn’t planning on a honeymoon but her in-laws have just gifted them 2 weeks at their holiday home. Her partner was aware but it was a surprise to my sister until over the weekend when they told her.

We presumed they would take their child with them but yesterday they asked if we would have her when they’re away so they get a proper honeymoon. I must have looked horrified as my sister said maybe in-laws could have her for one week so could we just have her for one week.

I have said no as my husband and I also want to spend time together. My sisters child is 8 and although she is lovely, we’ll have to entertain her. Our children are older so don’t require looking after and we have had a stressful few months with GCSEs and the wedding prep. We just want to relax. My husband has also said absolutely no way.

My sisters in laws have contacted me to say that we can sort this between us and let my sister and new husband have a lovely honeymoon.

Are we being unreasonable?

Your sister's future in-laws do NOT get to decide how your husband spends his hard earnt 2 weeks holiday time!!

Sounds like they assumed you'd be OK with this - maybe they should have asked and kept you in the loop instead of keeping it as some stupid "surprise".

Do you like your sister? If it was my sister, I would definitely help so they had the chance of a proper honeymoon.

Also, you keep saying “her child”, is she not your niece?

You can, of course, do what you want. I just can’t imagine not wanting to help.

The Op did one day a week childcare to save her sister nursery fees.

so what would be wrong with going as a family?

I’d probably compromise by doing a couple of days , but definitely not a whole week

but would it be kind for the child?

what happens the rest of the time? pass the child around like an inconvenient puppy?

In case you hadn't thought about it: you don't have to reply to them. You can ignore their message.

If you really feel you need to respond, just say youve already spoken with your sister but in case she hasn't relayed the message, you're not able to offer childcare therefore they'll need to cover the full duration. Depending in when they are taking the holiday, they may be able to utilise holiday clubs to support during the day.

I'd agree without skipping a breath, but your response is perfectly reasonable. I'd probably pay the just-finished GCSE child to take her somewhere as part of it too.

Nothing, I haven’t said there would be anything wrong with going as a family. It’s what I would do.

equally, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with OP’s sister trying to see if they can go alone.

OP said her sister and BIL have already taken a fortnights holiday without their daughter. Well, in my minds eye, that should be considered their "honeymoon" and this holiday is a family post-wedding holiday

Why are people still blaming the in-laws, it’s the sisters choice not to take her, not the in-laws, not her fiances, the sisters, and it’s the sister asking for child care.

just say you can do 2 days but can’t do more as you’ve other commitments and need a break. Leave it there,

I don’t think you can count previous holidays prior to marriage as a honey moon, I mean that’s kind of weird, oi Doris, you went away five years ago, that’s yer honeymoon, 😂

She's asked you last minute if you'll take her child for 1-2 weeks and now everyone is pressuring you?

Obviously I don't know your exact feelings, but based on how I would feel I would respond covering the following this:

• You're glad she feels she can ask for help, don't let you saying no this time stop her in the future
• You are in need of rest after a busy period so you do not burn out - full time mum, stressful exam period for family, putting most of your extra energy into helping with the wedding. You need to prioritize your own health and family now that this is over and not to prolong the period with additional responsibilities.
• You are upset that she is being so dismissive of your welfare. Maybe you downplayed how much stress you were under because you didn't want her to feel like you resented helping out with her wedding.
• Suggest they delay it and have a first anniversary trip next year and you can offer [insert time period here] at a time convenient to you. [I've bolded it as I haven't seen this suggested and judging on what I've read it seems like this would be something you would actually be fine doing.]
• Mention you're being pressured by her in-laws. Since it was the husband and his side of the family who were keeping it a secret from her and as a result also you keeping you in the dark, it is should be their responsibility to organize last minute childcare if she still wants to go ahead childless this year. It is unfair and rude of them to expect that of you.

Can I just add that she is a massive hypocrite in not wanting the "burden" of her own child and expecting you to take her on at short notice without considering your needs?

Your picture of her reminds me of a couple in my family - not maliciously selfish, more too self-absorbed to realise what burdens they put on other family members. The way they talk they totally expect the rest of the family to do half the raising of their future children for them. I know I'm going to have to set some serious boundaries with them, because while I do want to relieve stresses on them if I can, I also have a full life and am already struggling myself. They will definitely take and take and take until somebody says no. It sounds like you need to set some boundaries with your sister.

I would say to her in laws that the child would need to be based at theirs but you would help out by having her for a few days (not as long as a week). That way you are compromising and showing your sister that you support her.

NRFT but I'm just wondering when someone will create a business, similar to kennels or a cattery so they drop kids off for a week or 2 whilst they bugger off for their holidays or whatever...

2 weeks because the mum wants a child free holiday?! Bloody hell, I can't cope without my dogs for a few nights! Can't imagine leaving my child for that long.

I'd just keep repeating 'That doesn't work for me', classic mumsnet but very useful phrase.

This was something your aunt did presumably because she knew it would be great opportunity to you as a child though. That's not the case here - the OP doesn't have the time or energy to give her niece a good alternative to a family holiday, and I can't imagine that an 8 yr old would feel particularly great about their parents jetting off for two weeks especially in their summer holidays, while they're left behind.

This

Isn’t that what PGL holidays are?

yup....just park the puppy and away you go. Actually I think the upper classes did used to do this......a quick google finds nothing but I do remember seeing a film on youtube.

Two weeks is too long to be away from your child. A week is more than enough. My heart breaks for the little girl. Stick to your guns.

See, I don’t agree. The parents in law gave them the holiday house as a gift, expecting them to take their child with them. They told the groom/their son and he fully expected to take the child with them. It’s only when the bride/sister finds out, that she rearranges her tiara and decides that it should be sans children.

The sisters in law then decide they can cover it between them, but with the OP doing most of it.

I don’t think any of this is the parents in law or the groom’s idea,

True. OP: send sis and her in-laws the link to the PGL booking page.

”This doesn’t work for me, however, here are some options….”

When my son was around that age I went to Florida with a bf and insisted I would only leave him (with his dad) for a week. Once there I found I wasn't able to enjoy myself ( not least because I caught a cold on the plane) but also I just missed my son too much.