AIBU to refuse looking after my sister's child during her honeymoon?

[NotHappyFamilies]

My sister is getting married in just over 2 weeks. I have helped her to organise her wedding and looked after her child when she has been to appointments and had wedding things to sort out. It’s a big wedding, she’s found it all quite stressful so I have done what I can to help.

I have booked 2 weeks off after her wedding because I feel like I need the rest after all the stress and I have leave to use. My husband and I are going away for 2 nights but we plan to chill out at home, get some things done around the house, go out for meals, have an evening at the theatre and just spend some time together.

My sister wasn’t planning on a honeymoon but her in-laws have just gifted them 2 weeks at their holiday home. Her partner was aware but it was a surprise to my sister until over the weekend when they told her.

We presumed they would take their child with them but yesterday they asked if we would have her when they’re away so they get a proper honeymoon. I must have looked horrified as my sister said maybe in-laws could have her for one week so could we just have her for one week.

I have said no as my husband and I also want to spend time together. My sisters child is 8 and although she is lovely, we’ll have to entertain her. Our children are older so don’t require looking after and we have had a stressful few months with GCSEs and the wedding prep. We just want to relax. My husband has also said absolutely no way.

My sisters in laws have contacted me to say that we can sort this between us and let my sister and new husband have a lovely honeymoon.

Are we being unreasonable?

Would it make any difference if they had arranged a date for their honeymoon around when you would be available, willing and less washed out? I'd think long terms - it's your sister, a one off, etc - (depends on how you feel about your on going relationship with your sister, her husband and in laws) - yes - they have handled it very badly but clearly she/they had a lot on her/their minds and were feeling overloaded anyway (hence your invaluable help). Let's say they could put the honeymoon off for a month or two (or longer) and then properly explore child care arrangements between you and the in laws - that's what should have happened - I assume the in laws can be flexible about when they gift them time at their holiday home.

It's incredibly presumptuous of your Sister to expect childcare like that if it was her big wish to have a honeymoon, she should havr asked you ages ago and not expected any other help for the wedding.

Nope i wouldn’t do it, my sister recently asked me to look after her 6yo and 1yo for 9 hours and i refused let alone 2 weeks! Its all well and good people saying oh well can’t you just do it to do a nice thing for your sister but its not a small thing she is asking especially with your own children and busy lives.

It would be a very firm NO from me! Their child, their responsibility. Do not enter into any negotiations with her in laws and actually, I’d book random short breaks for the week in question to make really uncontactable and unavailable! CF!

@WannaSweetie OP can absolutely say no to this because there is the option of DNiece going with them, as was the original plan

OP doesn’t want to give up the only annual leave she has had since Christmas. She has the right to have her annual leave.

of course she does. I haven’t said anything debating that.

still no need for people to start slagging off a mum for being comfortable for leaving their child for fortnight.

which was the point i was making that you originally responded to.

It’s fine to ask your sister to give up her annual leave to babysit your child; it is not fine not to accept the no.

Im very close to my sisters but would definitely say no to this. But ,they would never have asked me because they would know its a completely unreasonable request!!

To be fair, OP hasn’t said what her sister said when she said no.
all she’s said is that her in laws have been in touch to suggest they sort it out between them. They may well have taken it upon themselves to try and make it doable.

Tell them you've rearranged your two weeks off for after the honeymoon. Or stick to your guns, you deserve the break!

@mmmarmalade the key issue with changing the date to a different fortnight is that both the ILs and OP are working. I would guess that ILs or other family (or Airbnb!) are in the holiday house on other dates.

If DSis had had a conversation with OP saying 'we want to do a long weekend at a posh hotel as a mini-honeymoon, can you have Suzy Saturday night if ILs have her Friday? are there any weekends that would be good/bad for you over the summer?" then OP might well have been OK with that. Not this, though.

You already sound like a wonderful sister for all the help you’ve given so far . You deserve a break , your sister also sounds really fortunate with her in-laws and support. Can I ask, how much help did she give you with your kids . Always amused by people who never helped but then expect it themselves when they have kids .. I’ve had this a bit , it was assumed recently that l’d mind a sibling dc as I wasn’t partaking in a particular family activity and as I was at home (my kids are also older ) they could just drop them off but I simply said , sorry I had plans and was chilling out that day. Unfortunately it’s all a bit vicious cycle , no support breeds no support… And I’m not bitter , I had a fab day !

Can I ask, how much help did she give you with your kids .

Asked and answered by earlier posts - DSis lived abroad when OP's kids were small and only came back when pregnant, so not much, by circumstance.

Just because you're not going away long it's your holiday for the two weeks. Tell them no and refuse to keep discussing it. Don't get into details of being tired because of the wedding or whatever, they'll only keep argue it. Just repeat, no, it's our precious holiday time together and when they bring it up again, smile and say we already discussed this and change the subject.

I don't how much time off you get, but I can only get one chance at two weeks off a year. Would not entertain childcare in this situation.

And the Op looked after her niece one day a week to help her sister save on nursery fees. As well as babysitting when asked.

She's a great sister and aunt.

I feel for the child - if she is being passed between relatives like some “inconvenient bundle”. Can she not stay with the in laws as part of the gift and join her parents after a week

Yeah, he really enjoys spending time with our nephews. Our 8 year old nephew adores my husband. My husband also loves exploring castles and digging holes at the beach and splashing around at the lido and seeing the animals at the farm and sharing football stats and facts.

On our holidays with our teens we tend to stay in of the evening playing cards and boardgames or watching a film after a big meal following a day of exploring or the beach or whatever so we could still do that with the younger ones in bed.

I don't call it childcare, I'd treat my nephews like family guests.

My sisters in laws have contacted me to say that we can sort this between us and let my sister and new husband have a lovely honeymoon

The obvious solution is that they have the child for the 2 weeks, their gift has nothing to do with you.

100% agree with this PP.

Ridiculous of ILs to gift a 2 week holiday but only offer 1 week childcare, unless they assumed their granddaughter would join the parents for the second week.

I can't believe the parents would want to be away from their 8yo for 2 whole weeks! I think a week to themselves and then a week enjoying the holiday home with their child is very reasonable. I'd miss my kids so much after 2/3 nights that I'd want them there anyway.

I think our real lives must be a bit different because in mine, people who already have children know their wedding and honeymoon won’t be exactly the same as if would if they’d married before they had a child, nobody gives someone a gift that requires someone else
to provide childcare, and nobody is ‘knackered’ or so stressed by a sibling’s wedding that they need two weeks off work.

If the groom assumed their child would come with them on the holiday then presumably the grandparents thought this too, so the only CFer here is your sister.
Poor kid, they should just go and have a lovely family holiday/honeymoon. If I was feeling really generous then I might offer to have their daughter for a couple of days but I also wouldn’t blame you for saying no full stop.

Not sure this question is directed at you?! Irrelevant what your DH thinks or does!

In reality the IL's are not gifting anything, (other than flights?) as they own the property. (unless they rent it also & refused a booking).
May be they could pay for a flight for the child as UM, after having looked after her for a week !
As a gesture, you could take her to the airport 😂

It was in reply to @Tabarnak's questions about what my DH thinks or does:

"And would your DH be equally delighted to spend his week’s AL doing all the things 8 yos like and you did years ago? And having a precious week’s AL used up adhering to child-friendly hours etc?
I dunno. I love my DNS but don’t now see childcare for younger children as a holiday activity per se!"