AIBU to refuse looking after my sister's child during her honeymoon?

[NotHappyFamilies]

My sister is getting married in just over 2 weeks. I have helped her to organise her wedding and looked after her child when she has been to appointments and had wedding things to sort out. It’s a big wedding, she’s found it all quite stressful so I have done what I can to help.

I have booked 2 weeks off after her wedding because I feel like I need the rest after all the stress and I have leave to use. My husband and I are going away for 2 nights but we plan to chill out at home, get some things done around the house, go out for meals, have an evening at the theatre and just spend some time together.

My sister wasn’t planning on a honeymoon but her in-laws have just gifted them 2 weeks at their holiday home. Her partner was aware but it was a surprise to my sister until over the weekend when they told her.

We presumed they would take their child with them but yesterday they asked if we would have her when they’re away so they get a proper honeymoon. I must have looked horrified as my sister said maybe in-laws could have her for one week so could we just have her for one week.

I have said no as my husband and I also want to spend time together. My sisters child is 8 and although she is lovely, we’ll have to entertain her. Our children are older so don’t require looking after and we have had a stressful few months with GCSEs and the wedding prep. We just want to relax. My husband has also said absolutely no way.

My sisters in laws have contacted me to say that we can sort this between us and let my sister and new husband have a lovely honeymoon.

Are we being unreasonable?

I would reply to DS’s ILs making it very clear that it is not their place to be volunteering you for childcare and I wouldn’t be polite about it either. It is absolutely none of their business what you get up to in your time off and if they are so keen for the couple to have a child free honeymoon, they can provide the childcare themselves. I would be livid with them for assuming that you have nothing better to do. CFs!

I can’t even imagine leaving my son for a week let alone 2! He’d be coming with us

As others have said if you have children before you get married you can’t then expect a childfree honeymoon!
You’ve done plenty for her already and deserve a bit of peace yourself.

Edited to ask if the 8 year old is not the grooms bio child? If she isn’t I think that’s a particularly horrid way to treat the child after the wedding.

She is taking off two weeks after the wedding, and I am assuming that is part of her annual leave. She and her DH have PLANS and want to use the time for each other. Something they are entitled to do.
She has been helping her sister plan her wedding AND watching the kid whenever her sister felt stress (which souds like it was often). THAT alone is a gift. Grandma and grandpa set it up so they watch their grandchild for the two weeks or they can let the couple have one week of a honeymoon and then deliver the grandchild back to mummy and daddy/stepdaddy.

Oh, it's a moot point because the OPs husband has said "NO" and that ends the discussion.

Tell them you've booked a holiday/a few days away too!
even if you haven't
Cheeky sods. So you have to give up two weeks holiday to babysit? No, that's beyond rude to presume, never mind to practically insist or guilt trip!

What I love about MN is that people get to decide for you whether or not you are tired enough to want to have a holiday to yourself. But then, on the other hand, in the same instant someone will come along and tell you to stop being a martyr as you’re doing too much 😅 made me laugh this morning over my breakfast

The reality for your sister is that she has an 8 year old child and is now getting married. She now wants a child free 2 week honeymoon after getting her in laws holiday home in France for 2 weeks. Why does she think it your job to do this? If the in laws give her this present they should have thought who will mind the child if the parents wanted some child free time.

Yes you have booked your own holidays then but that's after no time off since Christmas. Since then you have kids doing exams, minded your sister child when she is doing wedding stuff and helped out with mil care.
I would continue to say no and tell them that you're minding your mil some of those days to give mil family members a break. I think with all your had on over the past few months you need a proper break and a rest.

My feeling is that if you take her child for x number of days you get a call from the in laws with some excuse why they can't mind her.

Your sister needs to accept that her child goes with them or they have a shorter break with the in laws minding there child.

You've done enough for your sister and child, with all the child minding and wedding prep. You deserve the whole two weeks for you and your DH. You just need to stand up to your sister and her ILs.
Sounds like your sister is quite the taker.

As for the poster you are replying to? They have form for expecting everyone to do everything for others. They also enjoy being as contrary as possible. They are probably like your sister.😆

Hell no! Just keep politely refusing. Don't make excuses because they will take that as an in for them to solve your excuses.
Suggest the in laws have her for a week and then take her to the holiday home for the second week. Win win.

Mumsnet:

“Drive the random lady from your street (who never speaks to you) to her daily hospital appointments 90 minutes away!”

”Gift the house you’ve just inherited to the tenant who is currently renting it!”

“Use your annual leave to babysit your niece!”

#BeKind

I'm a bit puzzled by the double standards of some of the posters on here.

On the one hand, there's the couple getting married, a couple who have an 8 year old child. They know that they have an 8 year old child, a child that is their responsibility and needs to be cared for. So a 'proper honeymoon' is out of the question.

Rather, surely it'll be a lovely relaxing 2 week holiday for a well established couple with their child, if no one can look after the child for 2 weeks, or, on their own, if OP and her DH look after their child; all very nice.

On the other hand you have OP and her DH who don't have an 8 year old child, but have just gone through a fairly stressful period and are also looking forward to a lovely relaxing 2 week holiday as a well established couple.

At what point does it become reasonable for the wedding couple's 8 year old child to become the responsibility of OP and her DH, rather than the child's own parents, to the extent that OP's 2 week holiday should be ruined, otherwise she's being selfish, but the child's own parents should be allowed to have their child free holiday alone, and they're not being selfish.

Once you have children your life changes. You no longer have the luxury of a starry eyed 'proper honeymoon'.

The groom knew about the holiday. If they wanted to be on holiday without their child he should have taken the responsibility of organising childcare with someone who was free to take the child for 2 weeks.

That person isn't the OP, she has her own holiday time booked and isn't responsible for her sister's 8 year old child.

Enjoy your 2 weeks child free holiday OP.

@pigsDOfly Absolutely agree.
My husband and I married when our daughter was small. I would never have dreamt of asking my SIL (who now has adult children so lots of freedom) to look after her, even for a few nights! Our daughter came with us on our "honeymoon" which was in fact a little family holiday in the UK.

Completely agree @pigsDOfly - except the groom seems to have been envisaging a lovely relaxing holiday with their child and it is DSis who has thrown a spanner in the surprise.

Yes, you're right. I only suggested the groom because he knew about the holiday before the bride.

It probably would have made more sense to tell the bride earlier so that both of them could have had a hand in trying to organise childcare if they wanted a holiday alone, rather than, as seems to be the case, everyone assuming that the OP should step in and look after the child.

It sounds like the groom wasn't expecting any childcare need/alone time though. Which I think is what most of us would assume... being offered a lovely two week holiday, so we will be taking our kid.

I wonder what he makes of all this!!

Bloody hell, the martyrdom from some posters.

I'd love to know if those who are lambasting OP for having a few boundaries and priorities of her own would be guilt-tripping her to #bekind if she was a man... 🤔

You didn't book precious time off to do childcare op.

Completely agree!

It’s because of the word ‘honeymoon’, I think. In some minds, it clearly trumps everyone else’s wants and rights?!

No. Because it’s never the men who are asked for unlimited amounts of free domestic labour.

This did make me laugh @U53rName 🤣

The fact that the wedding prep has been so stressful that you need a fortnight off to recover says a lot, OP. How entitled are these people to commandeer others’ time like this for their wedding? If it’s such a big event they should have hired a planning team and left their families alone! You cannot be expected to facilitate every aspect of their lives. They either take your niece with them or make alternative childcare arrangements.

I love it when people try and have millionaire weddings on shoestring budgets. All it equates to is expecting all and sundry to fill in the gaps and creates so much resentment.

Keep saying no. We had children when we got married but my parents offered to look after them before we booked a honeymoon and we went for three nights not two weeks. It's a big ask to expect anyone to look after your child for one week, never mind two.
This is your time off, your time to relax, not your time to babysit an 8 year old. Your sister can take her child with her or the in-laws can have her for two weeks or they go away for one week.
I would say no and I am close to my sister but I'm not her child's babysitter.

Well, when I speak to my aunt this week I am going to remind her she is a saint! My mum sent me over to my aunt´s in England for a month one July when I was 13 so I could experience England. I had a glorious time and remember so much from that. I am 52 now and it is something I have always cherished. I would do this for my niece, especially if just a week.

There is a massive difference between your situation and the OP’s, so why are you comparing them?

Presumably your aunt offered, though?!
Not be told she "had to" look after you for a month.