To be upset at how many people turned up to my dad's funeral in casual clothes?

[Wheelchairbarbie]

My dad died last month and the funeral was yesterday. It was an unexpected death and very very painful for us all to lose him.
I don't know if I'm wrong and I shouldn't be focusing on it but I can't stop thinking about how many people came to the funeral yesterday just dressed as though it was a random day in Tesco.
Women in strappy tops and tight, short dresses, men in jeans or jogging bottoms, some not even clean, trainers and flip flops everywhere, hair in messy buns, it was all there.
I felt so upset that they didn't seem to think him or we were worth the effort.
I've never seen funeral guests dressed like this. I've always put on a black dress, spent time over my make up, worn nice jewellery and heels, maybe even a pashmina and a hairpiece. I'm only 35?

AIBU to have found it so upsetting?

He sounds lovely. And like many people loved him. If you believe he wouldn’t have cared, and these people cared about him, there’s no lack of respect. They showed up for him.

And your standards sound more than the norm. Wearing a hat hasn’t been ubiquitous for funerals for decades. I went to mass 30 years ago for a funeral and didn’t wear one. Yes, clean and tidy. And their standards sound quite far the other way.

Try to focus on how many people came. How many people loved him. How wonderful and nonjudgmental he was.

I’m sorry for your loss and YANBU. A couple of distant relatives turned up to one of my family members funerals in tracksuit bottoms and fucking crocs. They were told by me and multiple other people that they were being disrespectful and they didn’t give a hoot. Both as thick as mince.

I sympathise with you OP. I know there are funerals where people are encouraged to wear casual or bright clothes, or particular colours. But the default is for more sober colours and fairly smart and certainly neat clothes.

When my uncle died we were persuaded by another relative to invite someone who hardly knew him along with her partner who had never met him. I honestly don't know why she wanted to come. It was summer time but not hot. She wore creased cropped linen trousers in a pale colour and a t-shirt, and he wore faded jeans and a t-shirt. They were the only ones dressed that way and stuck out like sore thumbs. My uncle always dressed fairly conservatively and smartly and he wouldn't have been impressed. I certainly wasn't on his behalf anyway. I just felt it showed a lack of respect for him and for the occasion and proved that they didn't know him at all.

It’s impossible to tell if YABU because we didn’t see the clothes, and your ideas about appropriate do sound a bit 1980s. Of course people should dress respectfully, but there are caveats. If people came in (paint stained) work clothes perhaps they were rushing. It was very hot, which likely accounts for skimpier clothes.

You’re of course very distressed and people often focus their anger on relatively inconsequential things in times like this.

I guess if you know these people and they matter you could set a dress code before any future events, which they’ll respect if they care. But if they are friends of your dad’s who you don’t know well, just accept they’re not a fancy bunch!

I've noticed this at the last couple of funerals I've been to. Weddings too. People just dont care about formality anymore. Personally I wouldn't be seen dead at a funeral in anything but the proper attire.

Please don’t take it personally - I’m afraid that’s what some people are like these days. It shocks me too.

How is it horrible, unless the niece comes from a poor family and couldn’t afford a suitable outfit?
You have to get your relief where you can at funerals and if it’s at people who dress inappropriately so be it. Albeit if she was very young you’d hope a parent guided her.

I think it's probably a combination of things:-

It's been unbearably hot in many places recently so people haven't been wearing smart clothes but holiday-type wear instead, and they've come in that.

Formal dress standards have slipped generally. Even blokes in suits don't seem to bother with ties these days. It may be that some people genuinely don't realise there's an expectation to dress up.

It could be that some people were given incorrect instructions about what to wear ("Oh just wear whatever you're comfortable in" said by a well-meaning relative.) I actually wore the wrong thing to my aunt's funeral as my uncle told me that she'd wanted people to wear very bright colours but didn't mention it to anyone else!

Try and focus on the fact that so many people came to your father's funeral, which reflects well on what people thought of him.

Hairpieces are surely still common at weddings?!

Extensions, yes. Never saw a "hairpiece", I'm not quite sure what it even is. Like a fake bun or something?

I think you're being a bit unreasonable. It was blazing hot for you guys, and the economy is shit. Most people aren't going to go buy an outfit for a funeral if they don't have one.

You should have specified a dress code if you wanted people to show up wearing specific clothes.

At my husband's funeral, people showed up in everything from jeans and work boots because they got a couple hours off to full dress uniforms. I appreciated all of them.

You would be seen dead at your own funeral though.

I'm sure my dad went to a funeral every week when he was fit - in Ireland if you know someone at all you go to their funeral.

Why is it in the U.K. you get accused of trying to control how people dress if you expect them to turn up to a funeral in clean clothes? It’s not a normal point of view, and it’s entirely cultural. I’d rather someone didn’t bother to turn up than do so looking like they fell out the back of a chippy.

True 😁

I'm sorry for your loss. When my dad died a couple of years ago yes I wore a smart black dress and shoes. I did not wear any sort of hairpiece and did not do makeup as I don't wear any ever. Most people were very appropriately dressed though.

I wouldnt care. I cremated my son 18 months ago and wouldn't have noticed.

Very disrespectful. My dad died last year and everyone came to the funeral dressed as you would expect. I’ve never seen anyone dressed inappropriately at a funeral. Sounds horrible for you and your family.

The deceased do not, but funerals are for the living, for the grieving family. Turning up
in jogging bottoms and flip flops is beyond inappropriate, unless you’ve apologised beforehand and explained that you have no money at all.

My husbands family are all practicing Catholics and I’ve been to a fair few Catholic funerals with a full Mass, and not even my MIL who goes to church most days wore a veil or hairpiece. However, I do agree that some people’s choice of attire is questionable. At my FILs funeral which was a full mass in Church a few people turned up with bare shoulders in dresses more suitable for clubbing and a couple of blokes turned up in joggers and crocs. My MIL found this very disrespectful. Anyone reading this do not go in bright colours or club wear to a Catholic funeral unless the notice tells you it is ok.

Funerals come in an array of different forms now. Some people do want colours or happy to be more casual etc. Some prefer to see as 'celebration of life' instead of a solemn event to grieve.
But that's not the point. Whatever your feeling, it needs to be respectful both to the grieving and to the deceased.
Casual is one thing. Jogging bottoms are another.
Unless there are extremely extenuating and rare circumstances, it's simply disrespectful to come in grubby or stained clothes.
Maybe people don't have as much formal wear these days but I find it difficult to believe that many people would struggle with 'smart casual'.
Funerals are a bit like job interviews. If there's no set dress code indicated, you err on the side of smartly dressed.

The person who showed the most emotion at my husbands funeral was dressed in joggers. The clothes don’t matter, his face I will never forget.

She’s talking about dirty joggers, flip flops and messy hair.. not that people didn’t show up in black suits. Can’t you see there is an in between?

Sorry for your loss OP.

The heat makes all this a lot more difficult. A lot of us would, if we were going to be in a presumably not air conditioned venue or I expect you'd have mentioned it, wouldn't have much choice other than to dress in the way most likely to keep cool when it's 31 degrees out. I do have a black and a dark navy maxi dress though, so there's that. My mum's friend had to bury her dad during the 2022 heatwave and she put a message on social media telling everyone to wear what was coolest because the last thing she wanted was to have to deal with anyone keeling over in the heat.

I think if you were expecting anything like pashminas and headpieces that was very unlikely even in cold weather, and make up is probably going to be sweated off. I do see why stained stuff might feel insulting.

Do you think some of the attendees may have taken a couple of hours off work or come before or after? In that case they would be in work clothes with no opportunity to change. Not everyone can take a day off work in these hard times.

I attended two family funerals on the mourning of a working day and went straight on shift at a public facing service. In those days people did mostly wear black or dark colours for funerals so I did feel a bit conspicuous. One service user did remark on my wearing an all black outfit in the height of a heatwave. I told her "I buried my grandmother this morning." She didn't know where to look for shame.

I think it depends, @Secretseverywhere - some funerals are very sombre, and others are more a celebration of life - I try to be guided by the family (some families will specify a dress code, as we did for my MIL’s funeral - I wouldn't bother the family with questions about a dress code if they didn’t mention one), and if I’m not sure what they would prefer, I will wear black.

I'm sorry you're upset about this, but I think you should focus on the fact that people made the effort to come and be there for your dad and your family. They have shown through being there that they cared. I don't think the norms on dressing for funerals are at all clear these days, so without a clear steer it is quite easy to get it wrong. I wouldn't dress as casually as you describe, but probably more casually than it seems you would expect. Many of these people would probably be mortified if they thought they had hurt your feelings by the way they dressed. I'm sure they wouldn't have wanted to do that.