To be upset at how many people turned up to my dad's funeral in casual clothes?

[Wheelchairbarbie]

My dad died last month and the funeral was yesterday. It was an unexpected death and very very painful for us all to lose him.
I don't know if I'm wrong and I shouldn't be focusing on it but I can't stop thinking about how many people came to the funeral yesterday just dressed as though it was a random day in Tesco.
Women in strappy tops and tight, short dresses, men in jeans or jogging bottoms, some not even clean, trainers and flip flops everywhere, hair in messy buns, it was all there.
I felt so upset that they didn't seem to think him or we were worth the effort.
I've never seen funeral guests dressed like this. I've always put on a black dress, spent time over my make up, worn nice jewellery and heels, maybe even a pashmina and a hairpiece. I'm only 35?

AIBU to have found it so upsetting?

I went to a much loved neighbours funeral and wore black and I also was surprised at people including older folk just rolling in with whatever they'd put on that morning. Definitely felt off. I also felt like a bit of a tit conspicuous that I appeared to be overly formal. Very different to my beloved mother in law where the family all dressed appropriately, no bright colours because it wasn't a celebratory affair it was a very sad one. Yes I'm a grumpy old woman!!

I'm so sorry for your loss.

You are absolutely not being unreasonable. People should always dress smartly, or at least, attempt to be well turned out for a funeral. Very rude and disrespectful to the memory of your dad and to his loved ones.

I hope there were some more positive aspects of the day that you can take with you: a lovely, moving eulogy, a beautiful hymn, or simply seeing how much your dad meant to the people who came to say goodbye 💐

It depends on age/social circle entirely. I went to three weddings last year and it differed a bit from wedding to wedding but in the under 50 crowd I would say only 10% would be wearing a headpiece. More in the over 50 crowd, maybe 50%. However in other social circles its much more common from pics ive seen of weddings on Facebook, but still definitely split by age of attendee.
Sorry for your loss.
Im sure people weren't doing it as a proactive intentional sign of disrespect towards anyone, more lacking in awareness.

100% agree. If the notice doesn’t say casual or colourful, men put on a pair of dark trousers and a collared shirt at the very least or a dress, trousers, skirt, blouse for the ladies that is not scrappy, revealing or 2 inches past base camp. It’s not that difficult. As for the person who went in their uniform I guess it depends what uniform, police, school - ok. Dinner lady, cleaner, lollipop lady - no. It takes 5 mins to quickly change into something appropriate.

My dad was a very accepting and kind person
He made everyone feel welcome, regardless of background and he rarely judged anyone. In fact he used to tell me and my mum off if we ever got a bit judgy or gossipy.
But he had standards. And he wouldn't have dreamed of turning up to a funeral (or a wedding) in anything but a clean and pressed suit and tie.

I feel the same. I stood next to a cousin who was wearing grey joggers at a funeral and I felt embarrassed for him. I know he's got other trousers, even his work uniform would've been more respectable.

At a graduation ceremony recently there were men and women in denim cut-offs, vests and flip-flops. Now it was a very hot day, but come on! It's a formal event, put a tiny bit of effort into acknowledging that.

So they’ve made the effort to come out of work?? If they’re not family then they would not be entitled to any kind of time off so maybe they’ve just don’t best they can to get there at all. People who’d come in obvious work attire wouldn’t bother me much,

Just be grateful they were there. I had myself and my sibling at one of our parents’ Funeral during a Covid lockdown, no one else.

Hang on, even if you come from work you can still get changed into something presentable! DP is a builder and has gone to many middle of the day funerals and worked either side. He gets changed in the back of a van if there's literally nowhere else private. You can stop at a supermarket and get changed in the loo fgs.

I think (absent specific instructions like wear football kit etc) black, grey, muted dark colours like purple, blue, green, brown are all ok in today's less formal world. But showing up in a mini dress or dirty clothes just isn't ok. Even clean black joggers and a black t shirt would be fine if that's genuinely all people have.

Who were these people to your Dad op?

I think YABU, sorry.

If Covid taught us anything it’s that their presence is what matters the most. Unless you asked for a specific dress code I think it’s to be expected.

They were workmates and other regulars from the pub he drank at, and their wives. A few were distant relatives.

Its not what I have observed at funerals I have attended. People still show in appropriate clothing bot all black and I've seen no veils but at the resent funeral I attended last month it was all clean office style clothing that fitted the occation well imo.

You clearly have different ideas about what is appropriate for a funeral but I don't think there is a right answer here. You may have felt they were being disrespectful but that is not to say they intended it that way, or that their attire reflected the way they felt about your Dad.

I am sorry for your loss.

I do understand where you are coming from but I would feel consoled by people taking the time to come to the funeral. I believe that means more than what they are wearing, although ideally they would dress more formally. I think its so easy nowadays for people to claim work / childcare / being busy / or simply not offer to come at all (this happened with my Dad's funeral) that I felt genuinely touched by those that did make the effort to come and it sounds like you had a good turnout. Its also very warm and people lose the ability to dress appropriately in this weather.

YABVU.
I suppose you’d be on here moaning if only a handful of people turned up, because the ones in work clothes stayed away because they would’ve had to change during their working day.

A funeral I arranged last year had a load of cyclists on their bikes in cycling gear, as the person who’d died hd a range of hobbies, including cycling. It was fab to see.

I’m so sorry for your loss.

Im in Ireland so we wear whatever we have on for a funeral, we all just go, very casually, even if we are at work we would try to make it. Dressing up here would be weird, I think it’s because you have so long between the death and the funeral in the UK that you might be expected to have time to get ready and dress up?
Wearing black here would be really strange if you were not immediate family. I know it’s a different culture but I feel it’s more important that they made the effort to be there than what they were wearing. Would your dad have cared or would he have had a laugh with you about what they were wearing?

Don’t focus on this at all. I’m so sorry about your dad that’s really hard x

they would’ve had to change during their working day.

I'm sorry, but is that to much to ask? For someone's funeral?

#toxicpositivity

I’m with you OP. My family always say people now dress inappropriately for funerals.
I went to one last week and it was hot ( 27 degrees) but church was cool. I wore a black midi dress, sheer black tights and heels as usual. My children wore a navy suit with black tie and a navy shirt dress respectively.
I can’t imagine going to a formal occasion in casual or scruffy clothes just because it’s a warm day.

I always thought funerals were more a celebration of the persons life (unless young) and a chance to say goodbye rather thsn a terribly somber affair. My family is very much a bottle of whisky and a retelling of stories post funeral. I do wear black though!

I think there was a trend amongst some to wear informal clothing and bright colours. To celebrate etc.
But the clash comes when people are in mourning. They have lost someone. They aren’t happy. And the funeral is a solemn occasion.
What you wear shows you have given thought to how you feel about the occasion. And those primarily involved.
Turning up in everyday clothes is not respectful of the event. It is not an everyday event, a funeral.

How many funerals do you actually go to yourself? Some people go to some every week. They can’t be doing that if they have jobs to hold down.

Absolutely this

OP firstly I am very sorry for your loss.
I also on't think you were being unreasonable - did you put a dress code on the invite? We had a death in my family recently and were told to wear spring colours as that was their favourite, everyone was dressed smart with either a colourful scarf/shirt/tie/dress on. Jogging bottoms is absolutely riridulous for a funeral?! Nver heard of that before.
I would have definitely been a bit upset if no one put in any effort, but try to focus on yourself now as you have gone through something very difficult.

Yes post funeral.
The wake is the celebration
The service is respectful and sombre.