To be upset at how many people turned up to my dad's funeral in casual clothes?

[Wheelchairbarbie]

My dad died last month and the funeral was yesterday. It was an unexpected death and very very painful for us all to lose him.
I don't know if I'm wrong and I shouldn't be focusing on it but I can't stop thinking about how many people came to the funeral yesterday just dressed as though it was a random day in Tesco.
Women in strappy tops and tight, short dresses, men in jeans or jogging bottoms, some not even clean, trainers and flip flops everywhere, hair in messy buns, it was all there.
I felt so upset that they didn't seem to think him or we were worth the effort.
I've never seen funeral guests dressed like this. I've always put on a black dress, spent time over my make up, worn nice jewellery and heels, maybe even a pashmina and a hairpiece. I'm only 35?

AIBU to have found it so upsetting?

Not in dirty joggers and a strappy top I wouldn't!

The irony of writing "your wrong"...

Not everyone will view a funeral in that way. The circumstances in which the deceased died can vary hugely.

Unless told otherwise, I would always wear something smart and black. My husband would wear a suit and dark tie. My children would wear something dark and smart.

Unless told otherwise. At a friend's celebration of life we were told to wear bright colours so we did because that's what she wanted. At a teen's funeral the other teens were asked to wear the sports tops of the teams they'd played together in because that was important to his parents and really showed visually the sense of belonging and togetherness in those teams.

At a friend's relative's funeral I was told that no one was wearing black so I wore a patterned silk dress (below the knee, with sleeves) in gold and green that I knew the person had loved. I turned up and everyone else was in navy blue! I kept my coat on.

I went to a funeral last week when it was absolutely bloody boiling. Working class, elderly relative, wake in a pub with sausage rolls, pints and cups of tea. Women wore black (some navy or dark grey) summer dresses and sandals or heels. Men wore shirts and black ties. The hot weather was not an excuse to wear flip flops.

Even in the very hot weather and even when the deceased person was a funny lively person who lived a full and lovely life with a wicked sese of humour, it was still respectful of the occasion to dress more formally.

I know people who struggle financially who would still wear a smart dress from a charity shop to a funeral or will borrow a tie.

Jogging bottoms takes the absolute piss.

Where did your dad know these people from?

No, only if the family bill it as such, and often that is a separate event.. A funeral is a time to grieve loss, to lament, as this poster said quite rightly.

I'd be upset by that but given yesterday was hot its understandable people turned up in casual clothing. One way to look at it is that they turned up.

There's been so much talk about the need for our lifestyles and norms to change due to climate change. I never thought of this in terms of funerals until this thread, but thinking about it, it's really obvious we don't have a cultural model for how you're meant to dress for a funeral when it's 30 odd degrees out.

Which is pretty important when you think about it. More so than something like a wedding, because we have more choice in when we hold those. Countries where it's normally boiling out all day in summer have norms of holding events in the morning or late evening. We don't have that yet.

This is a lovely post. Try not to dwell on what people wore and reflect on the love there was in the room for your dad xxx

Yanbu, it does sound disrespectful not to even giving a nod to funeral attire. I wouldn't expect full make-up, jewellery and heels though (I never do any of these), just a bit formal with black or dark colours.

I find this a bit puzzling. Did those people know him and were they specifically told about the funeral or do you live somewhere where its in the paper and on the grapevine and everybody and the neighbour's cat turns up? And what is this thing about hairpieces? I mean do you actually mean fake hair or is it like a fascinator?

OP, I think a lot of makeup and any jewellery is disrespectful. Everyone is different. I think what matters is that people showed up. I have been to funerals where people have worn all sorts of things and it just doesn’t matter. The older you get, the more it becomes a celebration of life and not about loss.

When I’ve gone to the funeral of a close loved one I can barely remember who else attended, never mind what they wore!

You are being very unreasonable, surely the fact they attend should mean much more to you than what they’re wearing? Judgey or what?!
You probably would have complained if they hadn’t turned up. Can’t win either way.
Ridiculous.

I think you’re being unreasonable and focusing on the wrong thing. People actually turned to which is what really matters. Who cares what they wear.

I agree.

@godmum - yes, the OP has said she meant a fascinator.

I’m with you, OP, I’d have been absolutely appalled. I’m quite relaxed about my own funeral (because I think it should be mainly up to my kids) but I do want to specify black!

She means a fascinator. Although I'd associate that more with weddings a few years ago.

I'm sorry for your loss.
When people close to you die, I think you can sometimes get fixated on things you want to fix (I have been there too) and how the funeral wasn't perfect and minor things, such as how people dressed or who they came with etc. In a couple of years, this (the clothing) will not matter to you. Try and focus on how many people came, they came because your father was much loved, they came in their work clothes, because they wanted to pay respects to a man they liked. Coming in paint stained work clothes, is a testimant to your father, they didnt just skip it thinking, eh I wasnt that close to him or oh this isnt great timing for me, they came.

First of all, I'm sorry for your loss. Secondly, though, it depends on whether you think funerals are a formal, serious, invitation-only occasion with a strict dress code that matters more than people's presence as a support, or whether you're simply pleased people took time out of their day to come and be present to say how much your dad meant to them.

I think you're focusing on completely the wrong thing, personally. My uncle died unexpectedly in January and the church was thronged with people from his childhood home, 40 miles away from where he died, on bad rural roads, many of whom farm, and were wearing what they would have been wearing on the farm, minus the overall on top. Other people were coming out in the middle of their working day. Some staff from the hospice were in scrubs. The janitors from the university where he worked were in their staff uniform. My mother and my aunts were so supported by the numbers of people who had made a huge effort to be there in person. I don't think it occurred to them to think twice about what anyone was wearing.

Your dad sounds lovely and I bet he wouldn't have minded and would have been happy they showed up from how you describe him.

But they didn't have to go - they were not obligated - no one is. Going to a funeral is never fun but they went, they tuned up - not as big of effort as you'd have wanted. Sounds like you'd have been happier for them all to stay at home. I hope you find peace with all this because it really isn't the important bit. You've lost your dad - the funeral won't change that.

Could it be they were allowed out of work for a short time to attend?

Some of us don't think so, OP. I'm with you, I don't think it's enough to just turn up, I think a bit of respect is called for in dressing for a funeral. Otherwise it just looks like the person can barely be bothered. It's not as if head-to-foot black is expected these days, just something reasonably smart. It's not a big ask.

Ever since Covid a lot of people seem to be allergic to effort imo. Funerals are supposed to be about paying your respects, it's not the same as dropping in on someone for a quick cuppa. If people can't even be arsed getting changed before/after a funeral, it doesn't say a lot for society imo.

Really sorry for your loss, OP. 💐

I agree with you OP. It seems to be in recent years that many people don't look smart at funerals. My husband and son dress very casually but wouldn't dream of going to a funeral without a collar and black tie at the very least. I always wear a smart dress or trousers. It's just a matter of respect.

Unfortunately it’s common, I organise funerals. I’ve seen a few upset families over this.