To be upset at how many people turned up to my dad's funeral in casual clothes?

[Wheelchairbarbie]

My dad died last month and the funeral was yesterday. It was an unexpected death and very very painful for us all to lose him.
I don't know if I'm wrong and I shouldn't be focusing on it but I can't stop thinking about how many people came to the funeral yesterday just dressed as though it was a random day in Tesco.
Women in strappy tops and tight, short dresses, men in jeans or jogging bottoms, some not even clean, trainers and flip flops everywhere, hair in messy buns, it was all there.
I felt so upset that they didn't seem to think him or we were worth the effort.
I've never seen funeral guests dressed like this. I've always put on a black dress, spent time over my make up, worn nice jewellery and heels, maybe even a pashmina and a hairpiece. I'm only 35?

AIBU to have found it so upsetting?

I can see why this would upset you, especially if dressing smartly is part of how you personally show your respects to someone who has died and their family. I'd gently suggest that you not read too much into how people presented themselves and whether that is reflective of their feelings towards your father/his loved ones though. There is probably very little correlation.

For a lot of people the respect and care they hold for someone isn't expressed through how they dress, and at most of the funerals I've been to in recent years (I'm 36, but I seem to have been to an awful lot), mourners have been told to dress however is comfortable to them. For myself, I do tend to try and look smart if it was someone I didn't know especially well/if I'm not close to their family; ironically I'm more of a mess at the funerals of my nearest and dearest.

Regardless, I'm truly sorry for your loss and I hope you and your family are supported through your grief by those around you.

No, I'm probably using the wrong word. I mean a hair accessory or a fascinator

Of course it's a morbid colour. It's a funeral.

For hairpiece do you mean a head covering? A hairpiece is extensions etc. Either that or a head covering is way out, although I agree with you about casual attire.

I think OP meant like a fascinator, rather than a half wig.

I wouldn't expect people to wearfull mourning dress - but they could and should have made some effort as a mark of respect to a grieving family.
It's a solemn occasion, not a BBQ in the park.

Depends on the family and the deceased. You can't generalise.

I think the funerals are for lamenting and I think we harm ourselves if we don’t allow collective grieving. It’s one of the few things that’s spans across human cultures

the wake is for the celebration

A fascinator is weird for a funeral, a hat is much more respectful!

What was your dad like? Were they thinking that he was a really casual man and would want them to be the same?

I’d personally prefer not to have a funeral but if it happened I’d like people to wear everyday clothes if they wish. If they really wanted hair pieces etc they can knock themselves out but anything would be fine.

Is there a chance they thought he would think similar?

Perhaps they had to go back to work afterwards? Or came straight from work?

Standards of dress have slipped to the extent that some people feel it perfectly acceptable to go out in whatever they’ve slept in the night before, so dressing sloppily for any formal occasion doesn’t surprise me in the least.

Unless casual clothes are specifically requested at a funeral in line with the deceased’s wishes, people should dress smartly. It’s not fucking difficult… although, it would appear, even the simplest of social etiquette is way over the heads of some.

And, yes, it’s hot atm but you can still look well turned out for a funeral without resorting to shorts and a strappy top, ffs.

She’s not policing or controlling anything though is she? It’s not like she started ejecting people. All she’s doing is reacting to something that happened and expressing perfectly reasonably how it made her feel.

If anything you’re trying to control how she should feel about it and dismissing her perfectly legitimate feelings.

People can wear what they like but people do have the right to judge them on it.

I’ve had to go to a funeral in my uniform I apologised when you greet them on the way out
it was ether that or not to go

I'm a gypsy so we take funerals very seriously but I'd have thrown people out if they came to my family members funeral dressed like that.

I think OP means a head piece rather than a hair piece

DH and I attended the funeral of a friend who died quite suddenly just a couple of weeks ago. It was extremely hot.
I wore a short-sleeved summer dress, around maxi length, DS turned up in a pale grey suit, DH trousers and a jacket, there were even a couple of men in shorts.
Our friend's wife wore a floral skirt and a blouse.
The consensus was that the deceased, a baby boomer, wouldn’t have given a flying fuck. The fact that we were there was the important thing.
Caveat — not all funerals are similar. Ask the family of the deceased for a steer.

Was any particular colour specified in the announcement? For my husband's funeral we asked people to wear blue and be comfortable. Blue was his favourite colour. Nobody rocked up in stained stuff or joggers, but nobody was formal either.

If the family ask for something specific, people should respect that and not turn up scruffy.

You're not just there to pay respects to the deceased. You're also there to show your sympathies and care to the family.
Dressing like you just rolled out of bed does neither.

I have known a lot of people attend funerals in work clothes. Usually it was because their workplace had agreed that they could take an hour or two off instead of having a lunch and they had to get straight back.

I was always moved that they had bothered to take the time to come.

YANBU. Although I don't think you should take it as an indication of what people thought about you or your father as such - some people are just slovenly at all times, these days. I've seen people at their own parents' funerals looking like they were dragged through a hedge.

I always wear black, and look smart. Although I don't go overboard with hair / makeup, jewellery etc - I don't want to look like I think I'm in a fashion parade. It's not a moment for looking like you're thinking about your own appearance.

I have no idea where you are getting that I am trying to control what others wear

Is that because I was laughing with what one other person turned up in wearing, as I didn't actually say what they were wearing.

I think you should wind your neck in and think before you type

Have a lovely day 😃

Although I understand your upset I would try very hard to be glad that all these people made the effort to come. He sounds like he was popular and had lots of people who cared enough about him to take time out of their day to come and say a last goodbye.
I presume they weren’t family as it sounds like these were people you didn’t really know.
More casual dress is becoming much more the norm at funerals but I suppose tracksuits are a step too far really.
Are these people who would have different clothes available??
Please try and focus on the positives of so many people turning up.

I wouldn't expect people to be wearing head peices like fascinators , and i have never seen anyone wear anything like that for a funeral .

Black is becoming less of a thing for funerals, however it is normally it is stated on the arrangements if alternative colours are preferred. I would assume smart dress unless told otherwise, joggers is taking it too far IMO

So sorry for your loss.

Completely agree it's disrespectful. I have found one or two people turn up like that but most make an effort. In this weather loose black linen trousers or a black/dark linen dress would look smart.

I have made it quite clear to my adult children that when it's my turn I want as close to Victorian mourning clothes as possible, but then I was a bit of a teen goth. I think the ceremonial aspect being a change from everyday life is important.

I've only ever been to Catholic funerals and never saw this at any of them .