To be upset at how many people turned up to my dad's funeral in casual clothes?

[Wheelchairbarbie]

My dad died last month and the funeral was yesterday. It was an unexpected death and very very painful for us all to lose him.
I don't know if I'm wrong and I shouldn't be focusing on it but I can't stop thinking about how many people came to the funeral yesterday just dressed as though it was a random day in Tesco.
Women in strappy tops and tight, short dresses, men in jeans or jogging bottoms, some not even clean, trainers and flip flops everywhere, hair in messy buns, it was all there.
I felt so upset that they didn't seem to think him or we were worth the effort.
I've never seen funeral guests dressed like this. I've always put on a black dress, spent time over my make up, worn nice jewellery and heels, maybe even a pashmina and a hairpiece. I'm only 35?

AIBU to have found it so upsetting?

funerals are traumatic. My husband died young and I was a single parent mother with four children and an unknown future without the man who I loved and had spent every day of my life since my 20’s. The man I thought I would grow old with and spend my retirement with and hold hands when it was time for us to go. This was my romantic notion of what life would be like. The reality of death like life is more prosaic, ephemeral and mundane.

The day passsd in a blur, I was dazed and my children were very little. I was numb. I didn’t really know what was going on. But I had people around that I know loved and cared for me. The event is as much to support those left behind as to honour those who have gone.

I'll start by saying i'm very sorry for your loss.

But does it?

That's my question.

Or is just 'societal expectations' that we do it? shored up by a funereal system which costs thousands of pounds for the most basic system.

I think my BF 5 year old daughter could have benefitted more from that money being spent on her future rather than a day that she didn't even understand.

You said it passed in a blur and you didn't really know what was going on so how helpful was it for you to do all the organising and dress little children and yourself to attend an event when you were all traumatised?

What exactly was supportive about people putting on an outfit and turning up? that couldn't be achieved by all the really supportive things that people do after a bereavement? did you not have people around that showed they loved you and supported you outside of that day?

I honestly think we're losing the grip on the "happy medium" over life events. It's all very all or nothing. It's one thing to avoid certain things for personal reasons - I'm averse to birthdays because I've had multiple occasions when "bad things" have happened on my own birthday, or on the birthdays of loved ones, so I skirt the issue as tactfully as I can. I do my best to remember other people's birthdays and send messages though, and I don't judge people who like to make a big deal out of them, or begrudge them their happiness.

I can understand if people find certain events like funerals etc distressing, and really don't want to attend. The problem is when it's used as an opportunity to force those views and feelings on other people and compound potential distress.

What's the point of funerals? A coming together of people grieving a person, to support each other and acknowledge a loss, ideally. Every culture from time immemorial has had rituals to mark death. My DP quite fancied the idea of a Zoriastrian sky burial, but hey ho, he got the standard plot and a horsedrawn hearse because "Gothic".

If we start removing all customs and rituals, we're left with what in terms of opportunity to gather together and mark significant life events? Football? Teams meetings?

I've had 5 close bereavements in 6 years and it has induced a major existential reckoning in many ways. Life is certainly too short and one thing that has really struck me is that navigating personal tragedy is far more bearable with familiar touchstones and rituals to observe in the absence of "knowing what to do".

Yes, culture and traditions evolve, but if a majority feel comfirtable with the way things have always been for them, then what harm does it do to leave them to it.

I think the issue of funeral garb is indeed a metaphor for a world in flux and changing too rapidly for many. As a species we thrive on security and routine at a basic level, and that seems to be being eroded overall at an alarming rate.

when push came to shove, very few of the people who came to the funeral helped out in the months and years afterwards. I was lonely, tired, mourning and had four children who also had their own issues. It made me quite cynical about everyone who said, if you need anything just ask.

I don’t want to diminish all the help and emotional support that I got, but the unquestioning, unconditional and consistent support came from my in-laws and parents.

@OneElatedOpalDuck - I agree with a previous poster, that funerals can and do help some people mourn the loss of the person they loved. But you are right too - they don’t help everyone and may make things feel much worse. I have been to a number of funerals over recent years - my mum, my FIL, two friends from my knitting group - and they have made me think about what I want - and it is definitely something simpler, a cremation followed by scattering my ashes in the sea.

Mu uncles wife wore an all white suit to mine. I honestly didn't care but a lot of other guests were seemingly offended.

Not sure why @OneElatedOpalDuck is getting such a hard schtick. Probably because it touches a nerve.

Funerals are money-making exercises these days. My DM died last year and what a palaver that was at the funeral place. Do you want her hair straightened? Do you want her nails painted? Do you want us to take her fingerprints? Everything had an extra cost. Absolutely ridiculous. We've turned death into something really very odd. Having a funeral, listening to people say things about my DM that really weren't accurate, listening to songs she would never have picked....none of that helped me 'grieve' or 'mourn' my mother.

I've unfortunately been to several funerals in the past 18 months, some very very traumatic and like @OneElatedOpalDuck I can't see what purpose they served or who felt better after it. And also made the decision unless it's a very very close friend or relative than I'm done with funerals. My auntie will go to one at the drop of a hat, if she passed them once in Tesco. I'm assuming she likes the buffet afterwards because I can't see any other reason to go.

You don't need a big hoopla funeral to say goodbye or 'pay your respects'.

Agree with you OP. A family member died a few years ago and I was disgusted to see my cousin turn up with a skirt halfway up her arse and leopard print studded stripper heels.

Im going to blow your mind and explain ti you that...wait for it....people are different and react differently to grief.

Just because YOU didn't notice what people were wearing doesnt mean that other people dont react by becoming hyper sociable or fixated on details or determined to give their loved ones what the deceased would consider to be an appropriate goodbye. None of which is wrong just because it isnt the way you reacted.

Not to mention stating the (should be) bleeding obvious that perhaps the reason you didnt notice what everyone was wearing was because they WERE dressed appropriately. Id hazard a guess that if one of the "sea of faces" was above a hot pink mini dress or bikini top you probably would have noticed them...

Why is it selfish to not attend formal occasions?

In the case of funerals, because it's not about you and whether you want to go or not. No one wants to go to a funeral, it's duty, or some of us think so anyway. It's about supporting the family and letting them know you cared about the person. Which, yes, can be done in other ways, but personally if people didn't show for the funeral of someone I was close to, and didn't have a pretty compelling reason not to (not 'I don't feel like putting a pair of black trousers on'), I'd think it was really poor, tbh.

Perhaps I need to clarify.

The whole appropriate to the occasion thing is still up for debate so I won't get into that

However I have nowhere said I have refused to attend any more funerals, that's gutter media skewing of my words. I just said, I would not be attending any more funerals.

I have nowhere said anything about anti-capitalist principles. You may have confused me with another poster.

I don't object to people holding funerals, all I've done is said I won't be attending any.

Please explain why you think I am being selfish or childish.

Thank you. I agree with most of what you have said although I'm not keen about what you've said previously about the financial issues.

I have lived most of my life doing obligation and guilt and have decided from now on to not do things I don't want to do, unless it causes extreme harm to another person.

Regarding people wearing "going out clothes" - party frocks/high heels/etc. rather than funeral black, is it simply a case that a lot of people wear the best clothes they have as they don't have anything traditionally appropriate to wear but can't afford or don't want to buy a whole outfit that they may never wear again...

I'm not concerned about being fashionable, I'm just not going to attend events where more formal dress is expected. Not because I haven't or can't get the clothes but because I don't want to attend the event.

Whose funerals will they be. Do tell me ?

I went to a graduation yesterday and I was surprised at how casual some people dressed. Clothing beyond being clean and tidy doesn’t interest a lot of people it seems.

Considering you know bugger all about me and my circumstances, trying to guilt trip me by talking about ‘duty’ is beyond the pale. ‘I don't feel like putting a pair of black trousers on’ is putting lies you have made up in my mouth.

I don’t know anyone whose death would require me to support another person at a funeral. I am perfectly able to support the family and friends outwith a funeral.

I think it’s disrespectful not to be ‘office smart’. Even if you haven’t got black, then navy, grey or sombre colours would be appropriate (unless otherwise stated).

What is office smart? And if you don’t work in an office, especially if you are relatively young (ie still changing shape and size) and not at all well off, why should you buy a new outfit for a rare event?

At one of this summer’s funerals, a family member was wearing clothing that some would perceive to be ‘not smart’. Certainly not office wear, and not pristine clean.

However, if you knew them and their circumstances, you would understand the love and respect implied by how much smarter and cleaner their clothes were than their daily norm - in fact, they were putting far, far more effort in than those who had easily pulled on their regular office wear or even their Sunday suit. Similarly, the elderly members of the congregation who had painfully eased themselves to the church on walkers, in the soft shoes that fit and what had been a good cardigan some time ago. So much more effort than the ‘smart workwear’ of others.

@grumpygrape

relatives? Friends? Will you just not go cos you’ll have to be parted from your fleece and joggers?!

I agree OP.
When i left work I cleared out most of my formal wardrobe (who has the space for unworn clothes anymore!) But I kept one below the knee length black skirt and a pair of smart black leather pumps, specifically for funerals.

I am 30s, but I was always taught how you should present yourself neatly as a form of respect at funerals. The situation as you describe would have upset me.

Of course, if someone puts on their notice that X loved her garden, so wear something floral or green, then I'd go with their wishes. But the norm is subdued colours, knees and shoulders covered (or at least not a strappy top, a dark linen shift dress in the heat would be fine).

Just because the trend is to do something different, doesn't mean we should be expected to not get upset when a basic level of respect (which is our cultural norm) isn't followed.

And as for PP telling you what your dad would have wanted.... well. It is incredibly insensitive.

I am sorry for your loss.

Indeed, it’s not a faux pas to understand someone’s instructions on an invitation as they are written, rather than second guess, whether no actually means yes and vice versa.

Anyone who castigates someone for NOT ignoring invitation instructions is the one with the social problem and committing a serious faux pas… in fact it’s more than an faux pas, it’s just shitty.

@AutumnHazel

it IS a faux pas. It’s like turning up on time for a house party. Just one of those things that you know NOT TO DO.

This is a difficult issue in 2026. A lot of things have changed - clothing post covid has changed, people are financially struggling and we live in uncertain times. My mum died recently and I organised her funeral. Someone called me the night before saying they had nothing appropriate to wear. I said not to worry what you wear, just come. I think having to buy yet more stuff to go to a funeral is kind of sad. Clothing has changed, people lose and gain weight, and lots of us no longer own what in the past might have been considered basic items.

I wore trainers to my mum’s funeral. They were totally black and really comfortable. I had enough to deal with that day without worrying about a pair of shoes hurting me or feeling bad due to a lot of standing up. I think it was probably noticeable if someone inspected everyone’s footwear, but wouldn’t have otherwise stood out. I wore a black fleece to my stepfather’s funeral. Again, I’d organised it, the fleece was comfortable and it had pockets. He wouldn’t have minded at all. I do not own any suits, I do not own a black dress.

I think in your father’s case, perhaps people had black dresses that were meant for going out but has nothing else black. I would try not to get caught up with what people wore. Perhaps they had previously attended funerals where it wasn’t black clothing / no dress code. I don’t think it’s disrespectful - I think in the past it would have been disrespectful, but times have really changed.