To be upset at how many people turned up to my dad's funeral in casual clothes?

[Wheelchairbarbie]

My dad died last month and the funeral was yesterday. It was an unexpected death and very very painful for us all to lose him.
I don't know if I'm wrong and I shouldn't be focusing on it but I can't stop thinking about how many people came to the funeral yesterday just dressed as though it was a random day in Tesco.
Women in strappy tops and tight, short dresses, men in jeans or jogging bottoms, some not even clean, trainers and flip flops everywhere, hair in messy buns, it was all there.
I felt so upset that they didn't seem to think him or we were worth the effort.
I've never seen funeral guests dressed like this. I've always put on a black dress, spent time over my make up, worn nice jewellery and heels, maybe even a pashmina and a hairpiece. I'm only 35?

AIBU to have found it so upsetting?

A hairpiece like a toupee!

If I am going to a funeral, I wear something neat and appropriate - I have a plain black dress and a cardigan, and if the family have set a different dress code, I do my best to follow it. When my wonderful MIL died, we asked people to wear colours to her funeral - I had discussed it with her before she died, and that was her wish.

Clean and tidy is the absolute bare minimum for a formal occasion like a funeral - I am shocked that people would turn up in dirty jeans, tracksuit bottoms or beachwear. Yes, it is good that these people made the effort to be there, but dressing in a tidy and suitable outfit should not be too difficult for the vast majority of us.

@Wheelchairbarbie - my condolences on your loss - I know how painful it is to lose a parent. I hope that you can take comfort from the support you are getting.

I couldn't care less what people wore to my Dad's funeral. They took time off work, they got people to mind their kids, they thought enough of my father to come to the church to pay their respects and celebrate his life. I am so grateful for that.
Do I think less of them because they didn't wear a hairpiece or a mantilla (have not seen them since the 70's), absolutely not. It's all about intention, not presentation.

YANBU.

Whenever people post on here about funeral clothes, I’m always surprised by how many people respond that it doesn’t matter. Even if it doesn’t matter to them, I think that unless you are the close family of the deceased, it’s definitely worth going smarter (unless told otherwise obviously). If you’re the close family, then wear what you like.

No - @Wheelchairbarbie has clarified - she meant a fascinator or similar, @Tablesandchairs23.

You laughed at how your niece (I'm assuming, could be stepdaughter, hopefully not your own daughter!) showed up to her grandmother's funeral? That's really horrible.

Noone goes to a funeral every week.

Noone has had a year where 52 people they knew have died. Come on
You'd soon have noone you know left at that rate.

I agree with you but the last couple of funerals I’ve been to, I felt really overdressed tbh. I thought you were supposed to make an effort and be respectful but no one else seemed to have bothered and most just came in jeans or whatever, quite a surprise!

YANBU at my mother's funeral I pulled up in the car and there was my aunty (mum's sister) in light blue jeans and an anorak type coat. I literally said what the fuck is she wearing. I knew fine well she has lots of black trousers she wears regularly. Some people are just idiots 🤷‍♀️

Yes they do!!! More than that even. I’m in Ireland so I appreciate the culture is different. There could be several in one week sometimes.

Would you rather these people hadn't attended? Ideally they would all have dressed smarter but it's more important to remember that they chose to come and pay their respects to your dad.

I've noticed that amongst some circles this has become the poor excuse they've given themselves to get drunk after and treat it like a party. I can't think of anything more disrespectful.

She means head peice, like a hat or a fascinator. Very common for UK funerals.

YANBU, I feel like dress codes have gone completely down the drain nowadays.

We’ve had 2 bereavements earlier this year and some people showed up to the funerals like they were just coming back from the club, it was embarrassing. One looked like he came back from the gym, with blue-grey jogger and a gym top. Not a bit embarrassed even.

Where was this?

OP do you mean a fascinator? A hairpiece is not a hair accessory its literally a piece of false hair someone might pin to their hair??

I’m sorry for your loss
I do get what you mean op, FILs only surviving sibling wore something I thought was a bit ‘pottering in the garden’ casual.
However, if it’s a choice between attending casual or not attending because you don’t have, and can’t afford to buy, funeral attire, then I’d prefer people felt able to attend.
It’s nice when so many people care enough about the deceased to attend.

You took a photo of a grieving relative at their family's funeral to laugh at their attire?

I agree completely - at a funeral you show respect. Black formal attire unless colour is specified.

I attended a funeral recently and if it hadn’t been for the black at the wake it would have felt like a wedding or birthday party! One person actually brought their own bottle of wine with them which seemed deeply inappropriate.

Not at any funeral I've been to and I've been to far too many.

They’re not.

If a family demanded royal family style dress for a funeral I’d think they were a bit up themselves to be honest

I'm sorry for your loss.

Never heard of anyone wearing a hair piece and mostly have only gone to Catholic funerals. No make up either as it's likely to look like a mess with tears. I tend to not look at what anyone is wearing if I'm upset... sounds like you are the opposite.
The trend for black has gone - some still do it though and not many people have formal funeral clothes.
I think the main thing is that they did show up - they have given their time to recognise your Dad - that means something, hopefully you'll see that over time.

I have not been to many funerals.

but I have been to a few where the specific instructions were do not wear black wear bright colours.

this seems more and more common.

I'm with you OP.Even in this weather its easy to put a smart cool outfit together. Smart shorts/short sleeve shirt or linen dress or wide leg trousers.

I noticed the same at my Grandmas funeral last winter. My children also believe in dressing respectfully for various occasions and wore black suits & tie with one of Grandmas pins that they asked for. Rocked up to see some of the rest of the teens in grey joggers and a hoodie and girls in tiny skirts barely covering their arses.

I'd be appalled if someone turned up to my loved one's funeral dressed as you describe. I've been to funerals in the freezing cold and boiling hot and always managed to find something suitable to wear. People are lazy and DGAF. It's revolting.