To be upset at how many people turned up to my dad's funeral in casual clothes?

[Wheelchairbarbie]

My dad died last month and the funeral was yesterday. It was an unexpected death and very very painful for us all to lose him.
I don't know if I'm wrong and I shouldn't be focusing on it but I can't stop thinking about how many people came to the funeral yesterday just dressed as though it was a random day in Tesco.
Women in strappy tops and tight, short dresses, men in jeans or jogging bottoms, some not even clean, trainers and flip flops everywhere, hair in messy buns, it was all there.
I felt so upset that they didn't seem to think him or we were worth the effort.
I've never seen funeral guests dressed like this. I've always put on a black dress, spent time over my make up, worn nice jewellery and heels, maybe even a pashmina and a hairpiece. I'm only 35?

AIBU to have found it so upsetting?

Sigh, I have no relatives or friends whose 'loved ones' will need my support at a funeral.

I do not own joggers, I don't know why you made that up.

If I wrote on invitations no presents please and someone decided "oh she doesn’t mean that, everyone knows you never turn up empty-handed" and ignored my request then they absolutely would be in the wrong.

If nothing is said then sure, follow the usual practice of bringing a present but in this example no presents was specifically requested.

So if you meet a man and you say “no” when he asks for sex, but he has sex anyway, because “no” actually means “yes”, then you can hardly complain!

As for a house party, it’s generally “from” not “at” a time, so it’s rather different.

I wonder what normal social conventions, that are usually accepted by society, people will start saying they had no awareness of next?

Oh, I didn't know you're supposed to queue to get into a building so I just went straight to the front. Don't blame me. I'm not just an impatient asshole. I didn't know.

I didn't know you're supposed to let people off a train before you get on, not my fault, I'm not rude, I'm just totally ignorant and have never been outside before.

I didn't know you're supposed to cover your mouth when you cough. I didn't know you're supposed to chew with your mouth closed. I've never even heard the words please and thank you. It's not my fault and anyway you're all upright and expecting too much.

Society is going down the drain.

Well if you are retired ( like me) then you are probably going to going to a few funerals in the next few years.

Be glad they showed up at all. It means they care. That’s not always the case. Focus on their hearts, not their clothes.

I've responded to a similar statement up thread. I will not be attending any more funerals.

Does it? When they can't be bothered to make even the tiniest effort?
Maybe they're just there for a free buffet 🤷‍♀️
How are you supposed to know if they don't bother to show it?

They show it by being there. There are easier ways to get food. Maybe they came from work and that's how they dress for their jobs. Maybe they have young children and are lucky to be able to even take a shower. Maybe they learned of the funeral at the last minute. They were under no obligation to pay their respects and come at all. They were there (however they were dressed) to honor your father, not to satisfy your aesthetics. I think your grief has caused you to overreact. It happens. You'd have shown up to a funeral differently. Fine. But they've done nothing wrong.

For someone under 25, maybe.

I’m mid 40s and can do it!

I get it but I dont think it means they don't care. Its the heat and modern society. Plus us brits are rubbish at dresding well.

Under 25 lol.

But anyway, as I said, so what if it isn't easy? do it anyway.

Sorry, I just don’t agree. I mean, flip-flops??!

Not the same scenario but if you’re interviewing someone for a job and one rolls up in a creased t-shirt,
unkempt hair, and a pair of flip flops, and the other candidate bothered to actually groom themselves, who would you pick?

I never called anyone a bad word.

A priest once said to me "Funerals are for the living, not for the dead."

They are to pay your respects, either to the deceased, or their family, or both.

I would have no objection to the funeral with cyclists. I have been to a funeral where the coffin arrived on a motor bike. The deceased had loved motor bikes. Also, I have been to funerals where there was a cavalcade of classic cars and funerals attended by the local football club, wearing their kit. They were all an acknowledgement of the deceased and their interests.

I am pretty gobsmacked that most men don't own a suit nowadays. Men in my family own a variety of suits. However, a dark tie, white shirt and dark trousers are perfectly acceptable. I am amazed, considering how many clothes most women have, that a number of women don't own suitable clothes for a funeral. I thought everyone owned a pair of black trousers. Wrong again.

I would also have no objection to someone arriving in their working clothes, if it was a quick 20 minutes and they were going back to work. To attend the service and reception in paint covered clothes, for a couple of hours, is a bit off. It's fairly normal for folk to say ' sorry, can't stop, gotta get back to work, but I felt I'd got to say my last goodbye '

The thing that annoys me is that people don't know a single hymn. They just stand there in silence during hymn singing. Luckily, I come from a family that does know hymns and all sing. I have been to many funerals where I have been the only one singing. Maybe I will have swing low sweet chariot at my funeral. I have already planned the reception.

There's a certain type of person, often retired, who scans the funeral announcements in the local papers. They plan their diaries around funerals and turn up for the free food. They visit funerals of people that they haven't seen for 20 years.

I met one such person at my father in laws funeral. He had gone to school with my husband and had lost touch decades ago. Decades! He reeled off all the recent funerals that he'd been to. He didnt keep in touch with people, he just attended funerals.

Interview candidates are competing for a job. What do you imagine attendees at a funeral are competing for — your approval?

That’s very sad. I’ve always thought the same as you. To dress in black. Men always have a shirt and black tie, the women dress eloquently unless a different dress code was otherwise requested by the family.

White shirt with black trousers (and tie and blazer if they have one) is fine for men.

"The thing that annoys me is that people don't know a single hymn. They just stand there in silence during hymn singing. Luckily, I come from a family that does know hymns and all sing. I have been to many funerals where I have been the only one singing. "

What? There are no hymn sheets or books provided? You don't have to know a hymn if the words are provided.

Yes I know?

You need to know the tune though! Generally sheet music isn’t provided and most people can’t sight-read well even if it was.

No, you don't need to know the tune of a hymn in advance. They are very predictable, using certain chords all the time exactly for that purpose. You can just join in.

And the expectation is still there regardless- to dress appropriately. Nothing to do with competition. Theres a time and a place for joggers and flipflops/ trainers and funerals/ job interviews are not one of them. Not sure why it’s somehow different if you’re “competing” for a job! My god some of the excuses people come up with to defend people dressing like they can’t be arsed to get out of bed on this thread. But competing for a job vs not competing at a funeral is a new one! 🤣