To be upset at how many people turned up to my dad's funeral in casual clothes?

[Wheelchairbarbie]

My dad died last month and the funeral was yesterday. It was an unexpected death and very very painful for us all to lose him.
I don't know if I'm wrong and I shouldn't be focusing on it but I can't stop thinking about how many people came to the funeral yesterday just dressed as though it was a random day in Tesco.
Women in strappy tops and tight, short dresses, men in jeans or jogging bottoms, some not even clean, trainers and flip flops everywhere, hair in messy buns, it was all there.
I felt so upset that they didn't seem to think him or we were worth the effort.
I've never seen funeral guests dressed like this. I've always put on a black dress, spent time over my make up, worn nice jewellery and heels, maybe even a pashmina and a hairpiece. I'm only 35?

AIBU to have found it so upsetting?

It seems to be how it is these days. I agree with you but I'm a bit older. My DD has the opinion of perhaps they don't actually possess formal clothes and at least they showed up.

You’re not being unreasonable. There’s a time and a place for jogging bottoms and flip flops, and a funeral isn’t it. I wouldn’t expect people to be dressed to the nines but a pair of trousers and shoes is hardly asking the earth.

You’ll get people on here saying that the most important thing is that they were there, and ultimately that’s true. But dressing like you’re slobbing around the house just says “I can’t be arsed” at an occasion when you should be arsed.

It doesn’t even require a suit (for men). Just some effort. Someone at our wedding attended in very smart dark jeans, a t-shirt, and a suit-type jacket and he looked the business; very put together. The stuff you’ve described is just slovenly.

Some not even clean?

Could these have been maybe a crowd that your dad knew well, and would rather they be there as they were rather than not because they couldn’t afford to dress correctly?

Not even clean - could substance abuse be involved perhaps?

I am so sorry for your loss, and can understand how this would be upsetting for you as you dress respectfully for a funeral, but unfortunately you cannot force other people to dress how you dress for a funeral. You need to take comfort in the fact that these people turned up to say their goodbye's to your dad regardless of how they were dressed.

I've had my own losses (Husband, mum, mother in law & grandparents) and have been astounded at how people have dressed to attend.

At my mother in law's funeral I actually took a photograph of how her grand-daughter turned up and had 10 mins of laughter in the funeral car which many would have found so disrespectful but honestly it was the tonic I needed to get through the day.

I'm sorry for your loss.

I don't know where you are but here it was 31° yesterday and I would have melted if I was wearing black (or even dark blue). I think you should be pleased that people turned up for the funeral to say their goodbyes and show you some support. What they were wearing is not important as they made the effort to go to the funeral. (No doubt that will upset people but I've been to several funerals where people were dressed casually and it didn't detract at all...)

That's exactly how I feel.
It almost felt like didn't care if people thought they were just there put of obligation.
These days with fast fashion so cheap and easily obtained, and so long between a death and funeral actually happening, I don't see how you can fail to grasp something smart enough and cheap. Or just chuck a cardigan or shawl over your shoulders so your not showing so much tits and arse.

Every time there is a "what to wear to a funeral" thread on here there a posters who claim it doesnt matter (colour/ level of formality) and that the important thing is to show up. Pretending that clothes dont mean anything.
It's similar with weddings.

I agree that fewer people have formal wear, and it would be a shame for someone not to turn up because they were worried about an outfit, but often it's not difficult to buy secondhand or borrow something vaguely appropriate.

Some people seem to have lost a sense of occasion and that is sad.

YANBU. I’m so sorry for your loss OP.

Dressing like that is extremely disrespectful, however hot it is.

A hair piece for a funeral??

I know I am irish we do funerals differently but a HAIR PIECE!!!!!

People dont even wear them to weddings anymore never mind a funeral

I mean like work clothes. With stains on, from paint or whatever.

Blacks a morbid colour. The new thing is to wear a bright colour or a favourite colour of the deceased. At least people turned out. Don't police what people should wear.

Sorry for your loss . Sadly , in lots of places casual clothes,/ people not dressing up is the norm for most places these days . A case in point is the theatre where is used to be seen as a place to go in nice clothes .
I see your point about funerals and perhaps you feel it shows a lack of respect and I get that .
The weather lately might have played a big part of it but I'm sure your family gave him the send off he would have wanted .

Agree. I’m fortunate I guess to only have attended one funeral in my life so far. I was shocked to see women dressed to the nines like it was a night out with stilettos and tight mini dresses on, I found it bizarre.

What do you mean by a hair piece? Like a literal fake piece of hair? Why?

Did these slovenly souls know your dad well?

I'm so sorry you are upset. I go to a lot of funerals because of work and I find outfits are very mixed. At my Dad's funeral my mum requested casual clothes because my Dad hated wearing a suit. Even the vicar just had an open neck shirt and trousers, which he said was out of respect for my Dad. I always dress smartly for funerals, although I don't tend to wear black. I wore a yellow dress to my grandad's funeral because he always said it suited me and he used to tell my teenagers off when they said I looked like a jar of mustard in it!

If it was in a church, yes.
I went to my friend's grandmother's funeral. She was 101 years old, a devout catholic, and it was a full catholic mass in a church. I wore a hairpiece, a dress, and court shoes. Many of the women had veils or mantillas
But I don't always, as not many funerals I attend are in churches.

Hairpieces are surely still common at weddings?!

So you’re upset people took time off work to come and mark their respects to your father?

I think you’re grieving and being irrational, it’s lovely so many people wanted to send off your father. Obsessing over their clothes is not helpful, nor is it the real problem.

sorry about your dad.

i am not one for posh dressing , you wouldn’t get make up and jewellery, I don’t own black things , and what is a hairpiece ?

BUT I would be freshly fully washed , respectfully dressed in my smartest outfit , ironed , hair tamed. It’s such an important occasion.

Sorry for your loss op.

Yeah hate this idea that ‘it doesn’t matter’ or that it’s ‘morbid’ to wear dark colours. It should be solemn. It should be mournful. People are grieving the loss of a loved one and a funeral is a formal time of lament. They should dress appropriately and with respect. YANBU.

I saw people come in dirty tracksuits to a friends brother’s funeral. I found it very strange.

Equally I’d find a pashmina and hairpiece a bit over the top though. It’s not a wedding.

I think perhaps the heat had affected people as many only have black funeral clothes in heavy, colder weather materials.

The deceased don't even see whose wearing what. This post is another form of people trying to control how others dress, you won't and you can't.
It has no bearing in their respect for the deceased.
Would you rather they didn't attend .

Could they have come straight from work or be going back to work after the funeral?

How did the "scruffy people" know your dad, were they friends from down the pub, from work or from some sort of club/society?

Sorry for your loss.

And if coming from work I would have had spare clothes that I could change into - that’s a minimum

As a catholic who has only gone to 2 civil funerals in England and about a million catholic funerals in Ireland I have literally never seen anyone wear a veil or a mantilla to a funeral.

No your wrong. It's a celebration of life.