AIBU to feel betrayed after protecting my son’s secret for years?

[Lovinggran]

Hi everyone. I’ve just created this account because I am drowning in anger and carrying a secret that is starting to break me.

In December 2021, my son (who was 18 at the time, now 23) viewed and shared an indecent image of a minor. My husband and I knew absolutely nothing about it until the police turned up at our door at dawn with a search warrant. They knew exactly what they were looking for—they seemed keen to see Apple devices, which only my son had, and they ignored our Android devices. They took him into a room alone, and because he was an adult, they legally couldn't tell us what he said.

After they left, my son claimed it was "just an app," "just one picture," and that he "didn't know she was underage." The police ultimately took No Further Action (NFA). To protect him and keep the peace, we agreed to sweep it under the rug, pretend it never happened, and never speak of it again.

Fast forward to recently: my son and his partner had a baby. My husband and I stepped up as kinship carers and raised our grandson for his entire first year. Since then, the relationship has broken down, and they are now slowly and cruelly cutting us out of our grandson’s life.

The pain of being discarded after giving a year of our lives to that baby has made me incredibly angry. I started looking into how the police and search warrants actually work, and it seems it's unlikely it was "one-off accident" story he gave us was a lie to protect his own skin. The police apparently don't get warrants for single accidental click; they trace specific digital footprints and active sharing. The police knew it was his iPhone before they even knocked on our door.

I feel so betrayed. I compromised my own morals and peace of mind for five years to protect him based on a watered-down lie, and now he is weaponising our grandson against us.

I am just so full of rage. I don't want to carry his toxic secret anymore, but worry about the fallout it would cause.

Why did you have care of your grandson for a year and who do you want to share his toxic secret with.

You have a lot going on here!

Wrt your son's offence, I think it would have to be really very very minor to have been NFAd. I used to work in courts and you don't have to have much to be charged.

That said, I can totally understand how hard it must be knowing this and not saying anything and basically carrying it around with you for this long. That must be really hard.

Your grandchild is a separate issue. He's so very lucky to have had his grandparents to look after him for his first year. So if nothing else, please give yourself credit for doing that for him.

What was going on that he needed caring for? What has caused the breakdown of the relationship.

I think the desire to not keep the secret any longer is understandable. But if you let it out then I think you'd have to be prepared to never have a relationship with your grandson. As it stands, do you think there is potential for things to improve in the future? I just wouldn't cut that off just yet if I were you

Do you think your grandchild is in danger?

Do you intend to tell his partner? To what end? Or social services?

Theres too many questions to make any meaningful comment really...

Why didn't you talk to him about what he'd done and help him realise how serious it was?

Why did the relationship break down?

Why were you looking after your grandchild in the first place?

Do you now want to punish your son for separating you from your grandchild by sharing his shameful secret?

Get legal advice. A Grandparent wouldn’t usually have a leg to stand on in getting any access rights, but you raised him for his first year so not sure that applies. The fact that you needed to do that in the first place sounds like reason enough to make sure you stay in his life. Let alone the impact on him of being wrenched away fully from his primary caregivers after that year, poor thing.

So what happened to make you be kinship carers that the real concern

This has one hellva back story. So many questions.

However, you can’t go back to the original arrest to punish your son now as you’re not getting access to your grandson. If I’m reading this correctly

So our grandson came into our care when he was six weeks old. His parents had kept the entire pregnancy completely secret from both families and from professionals, and when he was born they made it clear that they did not intend to care for him. They stated that they wanted him adopted, and there was no plan in place for his upbringing. Because of this, we approached Social Work ourselves to ensure he did not enter foster care or adoption, and we offered to take him into our home.

During those early months, his mother’s parents wanted nothing to do with him. They made no effort to see him, ask about him, or be involved in any way. When they eventually did approach our home, it was in an aggressive and confrontational manner directed at us because we had stepped in to care for him when they would not. They remained entirely disengaged until he was around six months old, at which point they began showing interest after previously rejecting any responsibility.

Despite this history — including the concealed pregnancy, the initial wish for adoption, the lack of involvement from both parents and maternal grandparents, and the aggressive behaviour towards our home — the court ultimately decided to return him to his parents. We complied fully with that decision. However, the circumstances of how he came into our care remain unchanged: he lived with us because his parents and maternal grandparents wanted nothing to do with him at the start, had no plan for his future, and did not involve themselves in his life until many months later. Their current behaviour does not reflect how they acted at the beginning.

Exactly this. OP writes as if everyone already knows what a kinship carer should be. Have never heard of something like that in my life. In what circumstances do grandparents have to take care of an infant for their entire first year despite both partners presumably being alive and present?! Sounds royally messed up.

This is by far and away the best drip feed I've ever read on here. Bravo.

But what has happened now that they’re cutting you out of his life, has there been a fall out over something?

I think you need to separate the police incident from this, I understand you feel betrayed after being loyal to your son but revenge won’t help you see your grandson.

You were happy to keep his secret when it benefitted you but now you want to use it against him. I don't think any of you sound like suitable carers for the child. Shouldn't your concern really be that the child is not safe with your son.

So your son and his girlfriend are still together? Social work must have assessed them as fit to parent though understand why this must be painful watching from afar as you now are. What would you like to see happen?

Ok so your son's secret will still be on police files acted on or not because it's safeguarding so there is nothing to be done there. Did you have dealings with the social worker reports etc. unfortunately they must feel the parents have now shown they can be good parents....another discussion but hey ho....as such they get another go. Your best chance of contact is to be non judgemental...very hard...supportive if given the chance and acknowledge...even if you doubt it...to them that they need time to bond and be parents which is hard if you are there ... hopefully things work out and they become greatful for your support and come back into your life as grandparents not surrogates....it's really tough and painful but that baby is so lucky to have you.
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If you are concerned for you Grandsons safety in your sons care you need to report him to social services.

If you’re concerned that he’s at risk of sexual abuse you need to also speak to social services and the police.

I really don't think you can weaponise this secret ..it's unrelated to your being cut off by your son. I'm assuming you checked social services were aware when they made the assessments to return your grandchild to their parents. Is there a plan is place with social services that includes you in circles of support?

Have you told your son how much you miss your grandchild?

If the police didn't take action against your son following their visit and talk with him, it does suggest that they didn't think it was worthwhile to pursue.

I feel your pain and concern for your DGC, but I can't see that bringing this up now is going to help anyone at all. It can only do damage and make reconciliation later more difficult.

You have to be the grown up, keep the lines of communication open, I'm of grandparent age (but don't have gcs) and so several friends have been through similar and you have to bite your tongue.

First of all don’t do anything that you may later regret.

Your posts come across as though you were not concerned about the child abuse images or your grandchild’s safety but you’re now using this as a way to get back at your son.

If social services were involved they would know about the images but if you think there is the tiniest chance that the child is in danger then you need to contact them asap.

What outcome do you want?
Do you want the child to be given back to you, be taken away completely or a better relationship with your son?

I’d be concerned your son is trying to isolate his son because he’s a paedophile. I’d discuss this with the police.

Sorry your bitter nd looking to twist things.

You should have allowed the baby to be adopted rather than going against their wishes.

You need legal advice and to apply for contact with your grandson. It sounds like you're the only 'parents' he's known for a year? This is exactly the sort of situation that the rules around GPs getting contact were designed for.

Your DSs history, as foul as it is, is irrelevant unless it has some bearing on your GSs safety.

Did the baby's parents actually want him back??

Seems strange if they had no interest then suddenly go to court to get him back. If they wanted him adopted ( which was their choice that you jumped in to stop) why do they now want him back

What happens next time they lose interest?

That must really hurt 😔. My guess is that they are cutting you out to break the bond you have because they feel threatened by it. You are also a very constant reminder that they effectively abandoned their child in his first year.

This has absolutely nothing to do with your son’s previous behaviour though. What would you hope to gain, other than revenge, by sharing what you know?

What was going on with your son that he and his girlfriend didn’t want to raise the baby? And what led them to change their minds and want the baby back?