AIBU to feel betrayed after protecting my son’s secret for years?

[Lovinggran]

Hi everyone. I’ve just created this account because I am drowning in anger and carrying a secret that is starting to break me.

In December 2021, my son (who was 18 at the time, now 23) viewed and shared an indecent image of a minor. My husband and I knew absolutely nothing about it until the police turned up at our door at dawn with a search warrant. They knew exactly what they were looking for—they seemed keen to see Apple devices, which only my son had, and they ignored our Android devices. They took him into a room alone, and because he was an adult, they legally couldn't tell us what he said.

After they left, my son claimed it was "just an app," "just one picture," and that he "didn't know she was underage." The police ultimately took No Further Action (NFA). To protect him and keep the peace, we agreed to sweep it under the rug, pretend it never happened, and never speak of it again.

Fast forward to recently: my son and his partner had a baby. My husband and I stepped up as kinship carers and raised our grandson for his entire first year. Since then, the relationship has broken down, and they are now slowly and cruelly cutting us out of our grandson’s life.

The pain of being discarded after giving a year of our lives to that baby has made me incredibly angry. I started looking into how the police and search warrants actually work, and it seems it's unlikely it was "one-off accident" story he gave us was a lie to protect his own skin. The police apparently don't get warrants for single accidental click; they trace specific digital footprints and active sharing. The police knew it was his iPhone before they even knocked on our door.

I feel so betrayed. I compromised my own morals and peace of mind for five years to protect him based on a watered-down lie, and now he is weaponising our grandson against us.

I am just so full of rage. I don't want to carry his toxic secret anymore, but worry about the fallout it would cause.

Informed consent I suppose? A 16 year old having sex with someone of a similar age within the confines of a consensual relationship is going to potentially cause less damage than an image being shared all over the internet until the end of time.

In any case, I’m not going to argue about the legalities and the correct terms and the maybes and the It could have beens any longer because it’s not what the OP is asking about and it’s derailing the thread massively.

There is so much I don't understand

However if you feel , truly feel, that your son , as a paedophile, should not be caring for a child, you must report this to SS

BUT.....think carefully about your motives

That really tough OP. I don’t have practical advice but really hope that things work out. The poor child needs you in his life.

Yeah – if he didn’t know she was underage and police took no further action, it sounds like the picture was of a teenage girl within a couple years of his age. Not a young child who, physically, was clearly a child.

I was being honest. As an adopter of multiple children, there are many cases where a child is genuinely not better off remaining within its birth family. This child's parents tried their hardest to give the child up for adoption. Maybe that was the right answer.

Given the OP is now herself raising questions about her son's suitability to raise children it strikes me as something she should have thought about earlier.

And healthy babies are adopted like a shot. It's the kids with issues that float round the care system for years

They don't just hand out kinship care then retract it especially not in the time frame you've stated.
I reckon you fostered your grandson or looked after him in what's considered a private arrangement whilst he was transitioned back to being with his parents. If you had been a signed off kinship carer then you would have legal parental responsibility for the child, and it would be very hard for them to cut you out. The courts wouldn't terminate your PR unless you had done something very wrong.
The police not no further action with your son so that's not your business. This isn't about that.
However believing his bullshit and covering for him might be how you all got your selves so far up shit creek.

Studies have shown that children do way better if they remain with birth family

That’s not true, kinship carers do not have parental rights, if the parents are doing well and have kept to conditions they can have children back on their care. I worked with grandparents who were kinship carers and they had wanted the child to go to the nearest school to them and the mum refused, also refused for the child to have a haircut, parents still retain parental responsibility unless there is a court order otherwise

Studies show that’s generally the case but not all kids who remain with their birth family do better than kids adopted by others. The poster is pointing out that there are signs that this family may be one of the cases where that would not be the case.

(I’m not necessarily agreeing with that poster, I don’t know enough to hazard an opinion either way. I’m just pointing out that studies don’t support the idea that kids always do better with their birth families.)

Luckily the child had amazing, caring grandparents who did not wish to see their grandchild end up in the care system. There are nearly 4000 children waiting to be adopted in the UK.

the OP did an incredible thing. Obviously you don’t fall into the same category as them.

Even hing from pillar to post rather than being adopted into a stable family very young? I'd like to see how they worked that out. I can understand it's better to remain with birth family than float around lots of different placements

But I wonder why the parents wanted the child a year in when they didn't before? And what happens to it if they change their mind again

Out of those 4000 how many are actually healthy young babies? Without being in a sibling group?

Actually on a quick search it shows

Newborns or babies under 1 year: probably well under 5% of children waiting to be matched for adoption at any given time, and many estimates would put it closer to 1–3%. Babies who do need adoption are usually matched very quickly through standard adoption or "foster to adopt" schemes.

The majority of children waiting are older (often aged 3 and above), part of sibling groups, have additional health or developmental needs, or have experienced significant trauma or neglect

So if the baby had been given up for adoption at birth then has pretty good chances. If it ends up in care in the future then things are not so rosy

OP are you considering telling the social workers about the incident in order to get your grandson back?

If so - you probably won't get your grandson back and you will definitely loose your son.

They do.

My best friends daughter recently ended things with her boyfriend and at the age of 17, he took some intimate photos of her when he then sent to his friends after the relationship ended.

the police were contacted and they turned up at his door at 3am with a warrant to search his room and remove electronic devices that may contain said photos. He’s currently on bail.

If the kids are on a care order either the LA hold PR and they are fostered or the kinship carer will have been granted PR by court. Unless it's a private arrangement between the family. And then PR won't have been legally allocated. I am a kinship carer and also worked within family court. Giving a kinship carer PR does not remove it from the birth parents. Otherwise that would be adoption. It's very very rare for a court to revoke PR from a kinship carer without the kinship carers consent. I only know of 2 semi recent cases in the UK. So if the op formally cared for her grandson as registered kinship carer they couldn't legally stop her seeing him as she would still have PR. She can easily take them to court and have an arrangement order set up for scheduled time together.
If she privately returned her grandson to their care after privately caring for him then she has less chance. If she fostered him whilst the LA assessed his parents and they returned him it should have already been decided by the courts what her access to the child should be after he returns home

Due to studies of how poor care experienced children do, social work will always aim to keep children with their birth family. The idea that 2 loving grandparents shouldn’t step in for a grandchild because 2 people don’t or can’t care for their child is unimaginable for most, social work will also look at cousins, great aunties etc to step in before a child goes into the foster system

Yes, every attempt will be made to keep children with family, adoption is last resort

But that doesn't always do the kids much good. A baby who is with the adoptive parents from 3 months old in a stable home is better than one who is shunted around family members to " try" and keep with family. Only for it to then fail later on. The child in this thread has already been taken from the grandmother after a year. Who is to say before it's 2 that the parents won't want it again. What then? How is that better for the child

children deserve to stay with blood relatives, if they have any willing and able.

I was taken in by my grandparents along with my brother when my mother abandoned us after he was born. She then decided after a stint in a mental health facility she wanted us back and my grandparents fought their hearts out for that not to happen. We saw our mother 3 days a week and I have no good memories of those times.

Why would anyone want children in their family to be given to complete strangers? Why would anyone want to put a child into the care system when they have family wanting to provide stability?

The parents in this situation shouldn’t be a given a choice if their child went to the grandparents in my opinion, they lost that right when the son decided to show an interest in underage girls and the mother showed no interest in her child.

Because if the parents have shown that they have got their shit together and provide good care following good care from grandparents, that’s a better situation than a child being in care system or adopted, we are a long way away from the days whereby social work can just take children away from family and put them up for adoption

Non of your story makes any sense whatsoever

if police knocked on my door and accused my son of being a predator paedophile no way in a million years id agree to sweep anything under any carpet that’s utterly bizarre ??? Id pick everything apart and id insist on family therspy and getting to the very bottom of ALL the facts

if my son had a baby and behaved like he did there would be no way id hand a precious grandchild over to that shitshow

again so odd and weird behaviour from your son

you also give no explanation whatsoever for why her parents came at you aggressively??? Why ??? Out of the blue with no explanation? And why the sudden frezxing you out?? Why

lots of important detail missing from this story

The problem with statistics like that is they can never show what would have happened to the same child in each scenario.

I would imagine in these studies the children that remained with their birth families included many of those that were from the most stable backgrounds relatively speaking and where the parents could show social services they had a strong support network. On the other hand those that went on to be adopted probably included those that had suffered the worst neglect, spent longer in social care and whose parents had little support.

I’m not saying in every case, but on average.

if that’s true in even just 10% of cases, is it surprising that those that remained with their birth families do better?

You need to get over it, he’s back with his parents. If you are holding that against them and wanting to use what you know to blow up his life, you’ll never see your grandson again. SS will already know about the police involvement as they check when they complete their assessments