AIBU to feel betrayed after protecting my son’s secret for years?

[Lovinggran]

Hi everyone. I’ve just created this account because I am drowning in anger and carrying a secret that is starting to break me.

In December 2021, my son (who was 18 at the time, now 23) viewed and shared an indecent image of a minor. My husband and I knew absolutely nothing about it until the police turned up at our door at dawn with a search warrant. They knew exactly what they were looking for—they seemed keen to see Apple devices, which only my son had, and they ignored our Android devices. They took him into a room alone, and because he was an adult, they legally couldn't tell us what he said.

After they left, my son claimed it was "just an app," "just one picture," and that he "didn't know she was underage." The police ultimately took No Further Action (NFA). To protect him and keep the peace, we agreed to sweep it under the rug, pretend it never happened, and never speak of it again.

Fast forward to recently: my son and his partner had a baby. My husband and I stepped up as kinship carers and raised our grandson for his entire first year. Since then, the relationship has broken down, and they are now slowly and cruelly cutting us out of our grandson’s life.

The pain of being discarded after giving a year of our lives to that baby has made me incredibly angry. I started looking into how the police and search warrants actually work, and it seems it's unlikely it was "one-off accident" story he gave us was a lie to protect his own skin. The police apparently don't get warrants for single accidental click; they trace specific digital footprints and active sharing. The police knew it was his iPhone before they even knocked on our door.

I feel so betrayed. I compromised my own morals and peace of mind for five years to protect him based on a watered-down lie, and now he is weaponising our grandson against us.

I am just so full of rage. I don't want to carry his toxic secret anymore, but worry about the fallout it would cause.

I’m not really sure what the connection with the secret is- what are you going to do with it? Noone else you can tell will be interested surely? I don’t understand why this holds some sort of power for you. “Keeping his secret“ is just the way families work really?!

your son sounds awful and I can imagine how wretched you feel raising him for a year and having him taken away, but there is no revenge to be had here

sorry you’re incorrect RE police. They can get a warrant for 1 download. Also if they have taken no further action against him then it is not likely that anything was found once his phone was forensically examined.
im not at all commenting on your situation individually but just making you aware that that is not the case

Surely ss would be all over your son as safeguarding incident ?

A little boy is living with a paedophile who neglected him from the moment he was born. And you're whining because you covered up for this paedophile and he's not being nice to you now.... Priorities?

Does social services know he was arrested for viewing child abuse images? Insane the child has been given back to him but they're bloody useless quite frankly.

There are so many issues here.

I am amazed you ‘swept under the carpet’ something as serious as this. Surely, you felt the need to have important discussions with your son, decide what you understood to have happened and ensure he was getting help, at the very least?

Beyond that, there are clearly very profound issues both with your DS & his partner; you need specialist advice but focusing on this ‘secret’ is not where your energy should be.

Wow, d you have a heart?
Brutally unkind post

You need to separate the issue with the indecent images with the access to your grandchild.

You chose to hide his secret and not really explore what really happened. Does he still pose a risk to others? Children? His own child?

Your only case for pushing for contact or care of the child is if they are at risk and not being cared for.

Outside of that, it’s awful for you that you can’t see the child any more and it all sounds really shit and toxic.

Unless you are worried for the safety of your grandson, you are just feeling powerless and seeking revenge. It’s just bitterness.

I feel like this is a situation partially of your own making, sheltering an abuser.

You didn't keep a secret. There was no prosecution or charge. Who were you going to tell.

But does this really have anything to do with the fact you raised the baby for a year and now they want to cut you out. Nobody could really comment on this meaningfully on the information you've given.

I feel like I'm viewing this situation quite differently to most other posters here. You said in your post that your son told the police that 'he didn't know she was underage' which suggests that the image was perhaps a picture he received (and subsequently shared with someone else) from a younger teenage girl. Before I get jumped on, I'm not suggesting at all that this is ok, but it is very different to 'viewing pictures of child abuse' as someone said up thread. It would also be consistent with the lack of action or arrest from the police. It also doesn't then follow that he's a danger to his child.

I also wonder about your decision to care for your grandson after the parents had decided to have him adopted. Putting myself in that position, I can't imagine making that very difficult decision, only to have it overturned by my parents. Could this be where the difficulty in your relationship stems from? I would be interested to hear your son and his girlfriend's take on this. People on here advise others to go NC for (IMO) really trivial reasons and this sounds to me like the same story but from the other side.

And also, I'm sorry to say, you're not covering yourself in glory by considering blowing your son's secret wide open. It just makes you sound vindictive.

My heart goes out to you OP.
I don't have any words of advice that will change the situation.
Your situation is heart wrenching and complicated.
It is unclear why your son and his GF now want to be parents to your grandson. I would hope that ss are involved they would need to be given them previously rejecting their child.
You have every right to be angry and upset but you need to separate your son's previous encounter with the police to the current situation. Nothing will be gained by bringing that up.
Please take care of yourself OP.
Is there any way bridges might be able to be built?
You have looked after your grandson for a year and to be not allowed to see him is crucifying.
Would you consider sending your son a heartfelt letter to let him know how you feel. Try not to be angry and criticise, however hard that is.
Sending you virtual strength OP.
It's very important to take care of yourself.

I can understand you being upset. But, the image is a separate issue. You let it go 5 years ago and now you are hurt you are thinking about telling others. It sounds like revenge and that is not a route I'd suggest taking with your own son.
Social services and the courts would have known all about the arrest so it makes no difference to who cares for the child.

It is a very distressing situation for you, but a separate issue from the indecent image.

The way in which you speak of the indecent image suggests that what concerns you most about it is that you kept a secret for him. But surely if it has any continuing significance, it is in relation to your grandchild's safety and wellbeing. Presumably, though, it has been taken into account by the court and they have made a decision based on the child's interests.

Your priorities seem a little distorted by your anger. That is understandable, but you need to find a way forward that meets your grandson's needs, and that won't be done by ruminating about the past

Are you saying you want to revisit your son's offences with a view to declaring him unfit and.getting custody of your grandson?

How is this matter a 'secret' if police have already been involved and investigated? secret from whom? if you mean the girlfriend,you;re still being unreasonable because 1. Its up top your ds to share that
2.It was an NFA so of no consequence to their relationship or new baby
except now you've said he might have a long track record of doing this which muddles things a bit. The point is you dont know anything for sure.

No need to be angry. Contact the authorities and deal with it head on

Not entirely certain why the parents of the child knew where it was, or why they suddenly wanted to remove it from (what it would have believed was) its ‘home’.?

Seeing it was the childs grandmother caring for it of course they knew where it was

And it was the childs home

Plus why did the son and his girlfriend keep the entire pregnancy secret from health professionals?

Was the grandson born witout the assistance of midwiferry and other clinical staff?

I'd be concerened the son and his girlfriend had some kind of learning difficulty and/or mental illness

Tbf considering that OP admits she swept child abuse images under the carpet, I think posters have been incredibly kind.

And now you’re worried he had the child to commit further sexual offences? Was any of this apparent growing up?

No she didn't shelter an abuser. Read the post properly. The police took NFA. If the son was an abuser they would have prosecuted . The 'secret' is the fact he was investigated. As there was NFA there's no need for anyone else to know about it.

Poor wee thing. It would have been better if he had been adopted out of this hot mess.

All of this.

Always remember that multiple issues can be true at once - even if there is overlap between them.

Sadly, all you can reasonably do at this point is offer assistance, assure them that you will always be there for them, and take a big step back - hard as this must be.