AIBU to feel betrayed after protecting my son’s secret for years?

[Lovinggran]

Hi everyone. I’ve just created this account because I am drowning in anger and carrying a secret that is starting to break me.

In December 2021, my son (who was 18 at the time, now 23) viewed and shared an indecent image of a minor. My husband and I knew absolutely nothing about it until the police turned up at our door at dawn with a search warrant. They knew exactly what they were looking for—they seemed keen to see Apple devices, which only my son had, and they ignored our Android devices. They took him into a room alone, and because he was an adult, they legally couldn't tell us what he said.

After they left, my son claimed it was "just an app," "just one picture," and that he "didn't know she was underage." The police ultimately took No Further Action (NFA). To protect him and keep the peace, we agreed to sweep it under the rug, pretend it never happened, and never speak of it again.

Fast forward to recently: my son and his partner had a baby. My husband and I stepped up as kinship carers and raised our grandson for his entire first year. Since then, the relationship has broken down, and they are now slowly and cruelly cutting us out of our grandson’s life.

The pain of being discarded after giving a year of our lives to that baby has made me incredibly angry. I started looking into how the police and search warrants actually work, and it seems it's unlikely it was "one-off accident" story he gave us was a lie to protect his own skin. The police apparently don't get warrants for single accidental click; they trace specific digital footprints and active sharing. The police knew it was his iPhone before they even knocked on our door.

I feel so betrayed. I compromised my own morals and peace of mind for five years to protect him based on a watered-down lie, and now he is weaponising our grandson against us.

I am just so full of rage. I don't want to carry his toxic secret anymore, but worry about the fallout it would cause.

So what " child abiuse' pictures were on his phone seeing as you obviously know better than everyone else about it?

Huh? What are you on about Why would the son ( at 18) not be " left near teenagers?"

And how would you " make sure" of it?

What a mess…. But you can’t use this sort of blackmail against your son just because it now suits you to do so. It really doesn’t reflect well on you that you were happy to brush it all under the carpet at the time, so clearly weren’t that concerned, but now it suddenly it is an issue for you. You’ve also missed out a very important bit - what has caused your relationship to now breakdown?

I am finding this thread incredibly disturbing and frankly no one in this family sound like they are fit to care for a child, so this poor kid is better off in the care of social services and being adopted/fostered.

I would never trust anyone who chooses to keep the 'secret' of someone who accesses child abuse material so you are not a suitable responsible adult. Your son should not be anywhere near a child and his relationship with the mother sounds toxic as hell and the mother choosing not to have proper healthcare during the pregnancy put her child at risk.

I hope this child gets to grow up in a healthy environment away from all this...

Contact social care urgently. The issue they will have is that you have kept this secret when things were ok, but now you are only saying what happened because you have been cut out. You need to tell them so they can assess the risk and keep your grandchild safe above all else

I doubt the OP will do that, because I think she wants the child for herself.

This is what it comes across as.

I don't think he's 18 now though is he?

Good question.

@Lovinggran What caused the breakdown in the relationship between you and your son then?

A suspicious person would think the entire thing was AI. But only if they were suspicious.

You remind me of my exs mum, who actually suffered some of the same abuse herself from her dear boy as my daughter and I yet still sides with him over her own damaged grandchild. I have no sympathy for mothers that protect child abusers, it suited you to believe his lies and now you reap what you sow. I can only hope that child ends up ok as if he ends up exploited or abused, you’re just as culpable. Time to fess up and raise these concerns with social services, finally protect your grandchild and other children that may fall victim to him.

Disgusting

I do wonder if they concealed the pregnancy due to concerns about your son's past. Even the adoption plans could have been as it would be too painful to have their child taken away forcefully or to watch them grow up with a family member. Have you spoken to them? Explained why you did what you did? Did you try to block their child being returned?

I think the best thing to do, as all the authorities must be aware of your son's past, is to offer support and show that you respect their roles as parents. Being petty and revealing what happened will just come across as vindictive at this point, and prove to them that they are right to cut you off.

Okay, tell us what you would have done differently? Who would you have announced it to to avoid a "cover up"?!! Bear in mind OP's son has no conviction or caution - would you write to all the neighbours letting them know he was investigated?

What would you have done differently? OP's son wasn't even CHARGED with an offence, let alone convicted! What was she meant to do? I doubt social services would have cared about this given the son has literally no criminal record that we know of and would presumably pass an enhanced DBS check without issue. As OP, who would you have told about the police investigation which resulted in literally no action being taken?

This was actually referred to in he OP:

My husband and I stepped up as kinship carers and raised our grandson for his entire first year. Since then, the relationship has broken down, and they are now slowly and cruelly cutting us out of our grandson’s life.

how do you know it was child abuse material? It could be a pic a 16 year old that she has posted herself

They willl already know

OP - a DS who is accessing indecent images and ditching his DC for a year and then reclaiming them is not likely to be a responsible parent who considers his own parents’ bond with his child.

It’s painful but is it what it is.

I don’t understand why a couple who concealed a pregnancy and wanted a child adopted, have then gone to the effort of having the child returned to them. You must have been involved in this process, so what happened or been said to make then now cut you off?

You need to try and separate the two events.
I would try to keep calm and keep yourself in their lives peacefully and hope that in time they will allow you back in your grandson’s life. Please do not think of using your son’s past history as revenge. You will lose them for ever if you do.

It’s more likely than not that drugs and / or alcohol is behind this

And when he had the picture he was and the police took not action over it. Do you suppose they'd just drop it if it was actually " child" abuse pictures rather than a teenager who posted it and it did the rounds?

God almighty. Read the thread. Social services were involved from the start because OP was a kinship carer. They will know all about it. MN has lost it’s collective mind once again and accusations of child abuse, shouts of ‘paedophile’ (without actually knowing what the word means) are rife without anyone actually knowing what the image was or how it was accessed. He was 18 at the time. The police accessed his devices and there was no further action. It’s more than likely that he’s viewed an image of a girl without knowing she was under age - the internet is bulging with them.

Do posters really think that NFA would have been the result if there were actual child abuse images on those devices, or that he had shared them ?

There is no secret to keep though. Who would she tell? The police and social services know (and know more than her), OP holds no power around this “secret”

How is that relevant if the incident took placed when he was 18 ?