AIBU to feel betrayed after protecting my son’s secret for years?

[Lovinggran]

Hi everyone. I’ve just created this account because I am drowning in anger and carrying a secret that is starting to break me.

In December 2021, my son (who was 18 at the time, now 23) viewed and shared an indecent image of a minor. My husband and I knew absolutely nothing about it until the police turned up at our door at dawn with a search warrant. They knew exactly what they were looking for—they seemed keen to see Apple devices, which only my son had, and they ignored our Android devices. They took him into a room alone, and because he was an adult, they legally couldn't tell us what he said.

After they left, my son claimed it was "just an app," "just one picture," and that he "didn't know she was underage." The police ultimately took No Further Action (NFA). To protect him and keep the peace, we agreed to sweep it under the rug, pretend it never happened, and never speak of it again.

Fast forward to recently: my son and his partner had a baby. My husband and I stepped up as kinship carers and raised our grandson for his entire first year. Since then, the relationship has broken down, and they are now slowly and cruelly cutting us out of our grandson’s life.

The pain of being discarded after giving a year of our lives to that baby has made me incredibly angry. I started looking into how the police and search warrants actually work, and it seems it's unlikely it was "one-off accident" story he gave us was a lie to protect his own skin. The police apparently don't get warrants for single accidental click; they trace specific digital footprints and active sharing. The police knew it was his iPhone before they even knocked on our door.

I feel so betrayed. I compromised my own morals and peace of mind for five years to protect him based on a watered-down lie, and now he is weaponising our grandson against us.

I am just so full of rage. I don't want to carry his toxic secret anymore, but worry about the fallout it would cause.

I wonder if they're angry with you and punishing you. I'm not sure if I'm making sense here but I think the courts messed up - they should never have placed the baby with you under those circumstances. Her parents did the right thing in staying away in those early months and not getting attached to a child that the parents didn't want, and would likely have been adopted. Your son and his partner might have had good reason for not wanting to raise their child, maybe they just didn't want to be parents then. You had your grandson placed with you which potentially forced their hand. Foster care would at least have given the parents real space to make a decision if adoption was the right thing for them and their son. I think this was a heart ruling head situation. Did they have a say in you becoming kinship guardians? It might feel as though your need to be in grandson's life rode roughshod over their choice to have the baby adopted, especially as they kept the pregnancy hidden. As for son's caution, you can't weaponise that. You know no more than you did then. If your being honest, I suspect you knew but chose to turn a blind eye. Telling people now, will not paint either of you in a good light and will screw up your chances of being in GS life in the future.

I'm not sure how you can 'uncarry' the secret? The police have dealt with the matter. Your son wasn't charged, so the matter can't have been a big issue. They clearly had the evidence if they needed it. Your son hasn't been convicted so, unless you know there are other issues, in which case you let the authorities deal with it, it's not your information to share with people.

What's happening with your grandson is painful but it's not related to the secret. As you've cared for your grandson, I'd think you'd be some of the grandparents that might have a case for grandparent rights type visitation, but you'd need to seek legal advice on that.

Google it. It'll give you the answer at the very top of the list.

FFS

You would disown your son if he was investigated by the police, and the police ultimately took no action against him? Meaning he has no conviction or caution???

Why the hell did you protect him? You are just as bad as guilty as he is and he is a pedophile. I hope the kid is removed from him and you are kept away from the kid too

Absolutely this. Poor poor kid, being born into these 2 families.

You must realise this situation has already involved a large amount of social services involvement? What would be the point in “reporting” him? SS already know all about him

Some people are really shit parents tbh

Do you know what the threshold is for charges? There’s a bit more to the Full Code Test than just how serious an offence is. Rape stats are a perfect example of that, with record low numbers being charged. That doesn’t mean they aren’t rapists.

The police know exactly who they’re intending to arrest before they come out, and they are not going to come knocking at dawn for an eighteen year old looking at a single photo of a teenager who could be mistaken for being 18+. That is why that poster was calling him a paedophile and I don’t think it’s an unreasonable assumption to make.

OP, I completely understand why you’d not want to keep his secret anymore. The fact that you ever swept it under the carpet is pretty disgusting. But that was the choice you made. So I think you now need to examine your motives and look at what you’re hoping to achieve. It sounds like your motive is revenge for cutting you out of your grandchild’s life. So what will speaking up achieve? It certainly isn’t going to be you having more access. It’s far more likely that you won’t see that little boy ever again if you alienate his father. And few people are likely to understand how you could have kept that quiet. Are you ready for people to judge you? Because it’s a realistic prospect that you’ll be judged equally as harshly once people realise that you knew what he’d done, but protected him.

Social services aren’t going to return this little boy to you unless his parents seriously fuck up. And something where the police took nfa isn’t going to change that. In your shoes, I’d try and show that I loved my grandson more than I resented his parents and do my best to build some kind of relationship with his parents, even if it stuck in my craw to do so.

@Lovinggran

So you're saying because your son 'used' you to look after his child - for a year - and is now removing him from your life, you are going to upend his life by dragging his name through the mud, and telling everyone what he did, even though the police seemingly gave him just a caution?

WTF?

Are you hoping your grandchild is handed over to you? Won't happen. His partner will keep the child. She is his MOTHER. You are not.

Think very seriously about what you are doing! What you are proposing does not sound very 'loving!'

Is it disgusting to keep a secret that he was investigated? Who do you propose that OP should have told about it?

Charges are unrelated. Being a paedophile is just what you are. It’s a sexual interest in pre pubescent children, you don’t need to be charged with a crime to be one.

and there is no evidence that OPs son is

It wasn’t a case of mistaken identity, or a bit of shoplifting. He admitted to possessing an image of a minor.

But what if it was a 17 year old he'd met, and she'd misreported her age? OP doesnt know the context and the police won't share the information with her. In this case, he would technically have possessed an image of a minor but it wouldn't be in the public interest to bring charges.

Yes, I’m well aware that charges are unrelated. That’s very clearly what I said in my post. If you’d care to look at the post I was replying to, you’ll see why I mentioned charges.

And no evidence? Other than he admitted to his parents that he was in possession of a sexual image of a minor? Yeah, no evidence at all apart from that one little thing…

She really didn’t. Even if she didn’t approach SS, they would have got in touch with her. Some form of kinship care within the baby’s biological family is nearly always the first choice, unless there are safety concerns. Terminating the parents’ legal ties to their child and freeing him for adoption would have been considerably down the line.

he was 18, couldn’t it have been a 15 year old?

From their viewpoint, they were for whatever reasons not equipped to cope with having a baby. Were in denial during the pregnancy, strongly wanted adoption and to subsequently move on with their lives and put it behind them. Then you stepped in, with the best intentions, but this meant that due to the proximity, they would never have their wish. They’ve either had a wake-up call or feel you’ve forced their hand, and that since their plan fell through and there is no getting away from the reality of this baby, they may as well attempt to raise him themselves. I can see why there could be anger and resentment towards you. If just keep communication as open as possible, try to let them come to terms with everything and go from there.

I repeat, the police don’t come banging on your door at dawn and confiscating your devices because you’ve got a intimate photograph of your girlfriend who is only a year younger that you, and who could be mistaken for older.

This is so disgusting and hateful an accusation. Who among us wouldn’t want to see our grandchild cared for? Who hasn’t heard terrible things about children in care? Who knows if the baby would have been adopted? This is not an accusation anyone should make and I’ve reported it. Did you feel the need to hurt someone today?

They absolutely might if she regretted it and reported it, or if her parents found it and reported it. I know this because it happened with a friend's teenage daughter!

"Apply for information under Sarah's Law (Child Sex Offender Disclosure Scheme) | Police.uk" https://www.police.uk/rqo/request/ri/request-information/sarahs-law/triage/v2/ask-police-for-information-child-sexual-offences/apply-for-information-sarahs-law2/

@Lovinggran if you're truly concerned you can fill in the form to find out if your son is on the register.

It’s when kin ie family look after the child so they don’t go into foster care. I should think most people have heard of it.

@Lovinggran I think you're mixing things up. Your son was accused of sharing picture of a minor when he was 18- she might have been 17? Not saying it's not disgusting- just that it might have no bearing to who he is today.

Now to the most important thing; is your grandchild safe with his parents? If you have any reason to doubt this you contact social services asap. Focus on the things that matters; the wellbeing of your grandchild.