AIBU to feel betrayed after protecting my son’s secret for years?

[Lovinggran]

Hi everyone. I’ve just created this account because I am drowning in anger and carrying a secret that is starting to break me.

In December 2021, my son (who was 18 at the time, now 23) viewed and shared an indecent image of a minor. My husband and I knew absolutely nothing about it until the police turned up at our door at dawn with a search warrant. They knew exactly what they were looking for—they seemed keen to see Apple devices, which only my son had, and they ignored our Android devices. They took him into a room alone, and because he was an adult, they legally couldn't tell us what he said.

After they left, my son claimed it was "just an app," "just one picture," and that he "didn't know she was underage." The police ultimately took No Further Action (NFA). To protect him and keep the peace, we agreed to sweep it under the rug, pretend it never happened, and never speak of it again.

Fast forward to recently: my son and his partner had a baby. My husband and I stepped up as kinship carers and raised our grandson for his entire first year. Since then, the relationship has broken down, and they are now slowly and cruelly cutting us out of our grandson’s life.

The pain of being discarded after giving a year of our lives to that baby has made me incredibly angry. I started looking into how the police and search warrants actually work, and it seems it's unlikely it was "one-off accident" story he gave us was a lie to protect his own skin. The police apparently don't get warrants for single accidental click; they trace specific digital footprints and active sharing. The police knew it was his iPhone before they even knocked on our door.

I feel so betrayed. I compromised my own morals and peace of mind for five years to protect him based on a watered-down lie, and now he is weaponising our grandson against us.

I am just so full of rage. I don't want to carry his toxic secret anymore, but worry about the fallout it would cause.

Poor child, no one seems to be thinking of his best interests.

Oh there's always some arsehole who wants to stick the knife in 🙄.

@Lovinggran has pulled her life out of shape in order to protect her son and her grandson. Now she's being rejected and is understandably upset. What's so hard to understand about that?

. They’re making a home for the child. They are his parents that is where he is best placed.

As long as they continue to want him. If they get fed up then the kids will be shunted somewhere else.

As a previous poster said the baby would've been better off being adopted before it ends up screwed up

The 2 things are totally unrelated.

Your son had indecent images on his phone, and you chose to sweep it under the carpet to keep the peace, protect him, protect your family name. You chose it because it suited you. That's on you.

The thing with your grandson is a different thing entirely. They didn't want him. You raised him for a year. Now they want him. Ultimately, the court in reunification. They could be excluding you for a number of reasons, guilt, wanted to build a relationship and feeling like your presence impacts that. Whatever. They are the legal parents and its their perogative. You have no rights. I can see why it would make you angry, but it's nothing to do with the first issue.

As this was NFA by the police it may be that this was a picture of a 16 or 17 year old (which is classed as minor for indecent photos etc). Not great but given he was 18 himself at the time it doesn't necessarily make him a danger to children. The most likely scenario if you share this secret is that your son and his girlfriend will separate and you will lose all contact with the child.

Yes, this is what I'm hearing. The OP is making this all about her. The son hasn't made food choices, but whatever the police did or didn't find was clearly not very serious. What this has to do with the custody of the grandchild I don't know.

Does the mum of your grandson know his dad is a pedophile?
I'd have disowned any 4 of my sons for doing what he did. Just one picture is one too many.

Yes, but the court are operating on now, whether the child is able to be adequately cared for by his parents now. I mean, surely that’s what you want too?

If hed let you have contact with your grandchild then youd keep it quiet that hes a sex offender?

What an awful post. There’s no evidence at all that DS is a paedophile - the police took no further action. If social services are involved they will know about the images so it was clearly not enough to stop the parents regaining custody of their child.

Why are you calling him a paedophile ? Clearly what was found on his phone was not serious enough for charges.

How is he a sex offender ? If he wasn’t charged then he didn’t meet the threshold for that.

This.

?????

It seems that you would continue to keep this secret if he treated you well. It was either morally acceptable to keep this secret or it wasn't. The two things are not connected, and your motive now appears to be vengeful.

A concealed pregnancy? And a previous investigation for images of a child?

How old exactly was the girlfriend when she became pregnant?

I agree with this.

There’s so much going on here.

The courts ordered that the baby was returned to his parents - had you refused to return the child OP? Did you have concerns about their ability to raise the child and have you discussed these with Social Services?

I’m going to assume that as the court ordered the child to be returned an assessment was completed that deemed they were capable of caring for their baby.

You are hurt and understandably so. But “looking into” a five-year-old offence and threatening to reveal all is just a move based out of spite, and you know it. It’s not driven by concern for the child or else you’d be talking to the police or SS.

Reading your comments here it’s not hard to see why the relationship with your son has broken down. Things seem very hostile between you. Given your DS’s past volatility it might be prudent for your grandchild to have an ongoing relationship with you. However that’s only going to be possible if you are able to forge a positive relationship with your DS and his partner. Plotting to destroy your son’s life might bring you short-term satisfaction but in the end, you’ll be the one out in the cold.

Think wisely here. What do you want to achieve?

Depends on the circumstances. If his phone was forensically examined and they found him to have done nothing wrong then what is the safeguarding issue ? OP hasn’t given the nature of the image but I think it’s a fair bet that as an 18 year old he’s viewed an image of a young teen and not realised she’s underage. Yet, typically of MN, posters are losing their minds, assuming he’s looking at images of young children and calling him a paedophile, all the while ignoring the fact that the police took no further action, so he clearly didn’t meet that threshold.

@Lovinggran your situation sounds awful and unfair and YANBU to be angry at your son and his irresponsible behaviour towards his son.
However I would caution against using this past incident as ammunition as it is likely to backfire. It sounds like they could be the sort of people to make up stories about you and your DH which might paint you in a bad light.

Best to keep your ear to the ground to satisfy yourself that your grandson is safe and being looked after. if not call the police and SS

You need to report him to social services. He has tendencies that put that child at risk

How do you know The image could've been on a 17 year old girl when he was 18.

How old is the mother of the baby?

How on earth do you know that when OP hasn’t specified what the image was, beyond saying he didn’t realise that the girl was underage. Given that he was only 18 himself at the time that seems reasonable, and it seems that the police agreed. So what tendencies do you think puts his child at risk five years later ? And social services were involved at an earlier stage with OP’s kinship caring status, so will have been aware of the incident.

What should OP have done? Announced it to the newspapers? Why does this mean she isn't suitable to care for her grandson?