AIBU to feel betrayed after protecting my son’s secret for years?

[Lovinggran]

Hi everyone. I’ve just created this account because I am drowning in anger and carrying a secret that is starting to break me.

In December 2021, my son (who was 18 at the time, now 23) viewed and shared an indecent image of a minor. My husband and I knew absolutely nothing about it until the police turned up at our door at dawn with a search warrant. They knew exactly what they were looking for—they seemed keen to see Apple devices, which only my son had, and they ignored our Android devices. They took him into a room alone, and because he was an adult, they legally couldn't tell us what he said.

After they left, my son claimed it was "just an app," "just one picture," and that he "didn't know she was underage." The police ultimately took No Further Action (NFA). To protect him and keep the peace, we agreed to sweep it under the rug, pretend it never happened, and never speak of it again.

Fast forward to recently: my son and his partner had a baby. My husband and I stepped up as kinship carers and raised our grandson for his entire first year. Since then, the relationship has broken down, and they are now slowly and cruelly cutting us out of our grandson’s life.

The pain of being discarded after giving a year of our lives to that baby has made me incredibly angry. I started looking into how the police and search warrants actually work, and it seems it's unlikely it was "one-off accident" story he gave us was a lie to protect his own skin. The police apparently don't get warrants for single accidental click; they trace specific digital footprints and active sharing. The police knew it was his iPhone before they even knocked on our door.

I feel so betrayed. I compromised my own morals and peace of mind for five years to protect him based on a watered-down lie, and now he is weaponising our grandson against us.

I am just so full of rage. I don't want to carry his toxic secret anymore, but worry about the fallout it would cause.

The OP says that her son claimed it was “just an app”. I think it’s safe to assume it wasn’t a girlfriend who’d had a change of heart in this case.

@Lovinggran

if you want to make 100% certain you never see your grandson again the best way to ensure it is to start stirring shit up for his dad. You'd be crazy yo make an enemy of him.

If you want a chance of being allowed back into your grandson's life at some point you have to play nice. Keep,the lines of communication open. Send little cards and gifts. Let the boys parents know that you will always be there to support them and him in any way you can.

It’s odd you only further looked into your sons offence when you were angry about something else.

Paedophilia isn’t about minors. It’s about pre pubescents

8 is too late, as we used to say in the police

These two things are entirely unrelated…

Your son sounds quite abhorrent. I don’t think there is anything you can do, other than continue to be around for your grandson and when he is older I am sure he will seek a relationship with you.
Given what you have said here about his parents etc I doubt he’ll make it to 16/18 living with them. Sounds likely to me that he will need you again.

best of luck. I understand this is incredibly hurtful - beyond hurtful - from your son. Why on earth he thinks it’s ok to make these types of choices about his child and his parents is baffling. I think hold your nerve and stay strong- chances are your grandson will need you again. I’m sorry for the choices your son has made and its impact on you. Xxx

Of course they know. It’s most likely an image of a 15 year old which is awful but is very common and people think they’re older, especially 18 year old boys. If there was any evidence that he was a pedo there is no way SW would be ok with him being guardian

I agree, I work in social work and this type of incident is very common

The police know exactly who they’re intending to arrest before they come out, and they are not going to come knocking at dawn for an eighteen year old looking at a single photo of a teenager who could be mistaken for being 18+. That is why that poster was calling him a paedophile and I don’t think it’s an unreasonable assumption to make.

But they did come knocking at dawn. They did examine his devices, and ultimately took no further action. So there is no evidence that he is a paedophile. Without knowing the circumstances it’s a shocking assumption to make. Paedophilia is also specific. It’s not about ‘under age’ it’s about a specific age range and from what OP says it’s not even an appropriate term.

there on it with online stuff so for there to be no charges there probably some truth in what he said
Could be something like when he was a 19 year old he went out with someone who said they were 18 but they lied and they were 17

but there obviously been heavy SS involvement so they would if been all over this if there was anything

it must be incredibly hard to have a baby for that long then to be taken off you and cut off
as hard as it is I think you just have to bide your time and see how it pans out as legally I think there little you can do

None of us have any idea what the pic was or wasn't. All we know is that the police took no action. Indecent images are prosecuted on a strict liability basis so it's nothing like, say, rape - and it is actually quite simple to bring charges once the police have the device. I'm not sure what i would have done different to OP re the police investigation, given the information OP was given.

I don’t think you realise how common this is, many slightly underage girls are online in a sexually suggestive image which is shared by 18 plus males who are either mistaken, stupid or have a learning disability, as well as the ones who are attracted to young girls which is disgusting. The fact the police took nfa suggests it wasn’t serious. I work with cases like this and if it was a child a lot younger or he had been communicating etc he definitely would have been charged

You want to completely derail the thread by getting pedantic about the difference between a minor and a pre pubescent child? You think that that’s the major point that needs to be made right now? The OP doesn’t know the age of the child, so whether it’s paedophilia, hebephilia or ephebophilia, you know no more than anyone else. The point is, it was a fucking child and the image was serious enough that the police came knocking on his door.

And what a lovely turn of phrase. I’m sure all the MNetters who have experienced CSA will be feeling great knowing that people like you and your colleagues were using phrases like that. What the fuck is wrong with you? I can only hope it’s vicarious trauma and a coping mechanism.

But he’s already KNOWN to Social Services. Or did you miss all the stuff about Social Services assessing all concerned and having case conferences and background checks and observed sessions… and coming to the conclusion that he & partner are able to provide an appropriate upbringing?

You don’t surely think that kinship carer situations don’t involve social workers / social services? 🤦🏼‍♀️

Yes they do is someone reports you

No I think you’re just showing how clueless you are

My friend has been doing this dance for seven years with her grandchild. The mother didn't want the baby because she had a toddler it was too much. Later she wanted grandchild back. Again couldn't cope so father and child moved in with granny part time. Fast forward to now mother had a third baby couldn't cope, so grandchild came full time to father and granny.

Now and again the mother has the child back and it's not great. Seven year olds crave stability. To go to school every day. To have clean clothes, a proper bed to sleep in, enough food to eat at regular intervals.

What can a grandparent do. Nothing I'm told just hope you can see them again.

OP’s opening gambit drips with unspoken blackmail. A woman scorned etc.

Are you sure it was NFA’d? These types of offences tend not to hold a custodial sentence. More of a community order and sex offenders registry. Most courts try and keep it out of the paper. Unless you’ve seen the paperwork?

I haven’t jumped to any conclusions that you haven’t also jumped to, but just the other end of the scale, so how about you carry on thinking what you think about me, and I’ll carry on thinking what I think about you, and we don’t engage with each other again?

There is a difference between a minor and a pre pubescent child where CSA is concerned. The levels of abuse are categorised and like it or not, the term paedophilia is only appropriate to the latter. No-one here knows the content of the image, so it’s not a term people should be using.

The fact is that DS could easily have been viewing a teenager who is misrepresenting their age. He was 18 at the time, so it’s absolutely not beyond the bounds of possibility - and the police took no further action, so it’s quite likely. Unfortunately that doesn’t work for MN - better to lose your mind and shout ‘paedophile’ than engage in reasoned debate.

I’ve worked alongside social workers and police in my professional capacity and I’ve heard the term ‘eight is too late’ before. It’s not a derogatory term as you seem to think - it’s actually very salutory to think that there are those out there whose interest is very young children, and this term sums it up in a nutshell. No one is justifying these actions or belittling them.

People can change and hopefully, for the sake of the child, the mother, OP's son and maternal GP's are providing love and care.
OP sounds utterly spiteful to want to - what, get the child taken away?

Just to reassure you as it is clearly causing you more anxiety, police do arrest people on having or sharing one image. Every day. I work closely with a police team who do exactly this. Part of the data that they can obtain before even arrest is knowing the type of device the image was sent to or from. The internet always leaves a footprint.
Arrest does not mean guilt, it means reasonable suspicion for an investigation. The reason the police make these arrests is to then access the persons devices to see if this is a person has a a sexual interest in children, or, as is very often, a person has possession of a single image or a very few images that were obtained not intentionally meaning to obtain child images. For example, a download of loads of legal adult porn contains an image of an underage child, the intention wasn’t to obtain the image of the child when downloading the folder of adult porn.
in these cases, although illegal to have the image, they don’t meet the public interest threshold to prosecute.

it sounds like you have a million other things to stress you out and be upset about, but if the police case was NFA after they examined his devices , they didn’t find anything to indicate he has a sexual interest in children of any age .

🤦‍♀️ I fucking know that there is a difference in the official terms used! I never suggested otherwise. But the fact remains that the general parlance for people who are making and sharing indecent images of children is paedophile, whether you like it or not. You were asking another poster why she was referring to him as a paedophile and there’s your answer.

And that’s lovely that you don’t think it’s a derogatory term. I didn’t realise you were the official spokesperson.

I merely find it strange that it's legal to have sex with a 16 year old but not have and indecent photo of a 17 year old

Does your son’s girlfriend know he’s a nonce? Sorry, I’d be doing everything in my power to keep an innocent baby away from him, but I also question your motives and your judgement.