AIBU to feel like my holiday has been ruined before we’ve even gone?

[Heathercost]

AIBU to feel like my holiday has been ruined before we’ve even gone?
My husband’s mum and her partner suggested that we all book a cottage in Wales together because they said they wanted to spend some proper time with us as a family.
We booked the cottage for me, my husband, our three children, his mum and her partner. It only sleeps seven, so it was booked for exactly the seven of us.
His mum has now invited another child to come for the whole holiday. Because the cottage only sleeps seven, her partner is now going to sleep in their camper van at night so that the child can take her place inside the cottage.
What makes this harder for me is that his mum and her partner don’t spend a huge amount of time with our three children. They already spend far more time with the child they have invited and are very close to her.
This holiday was their idea. They were the ones who said they wanted to go away with us and spend time with our family. I work full time and have very limited annual leave, so taking a week off is a big thing for me. It now feels as though I’m using that precious time on a holiday that has been completely changed from what I agreed to.
I had already made it clear that I didn’t want anyone else coming. I had also specifically spoken about our last family camping trip and how badly that went.
On that trip, several adults essentially dropped their children at the campsite and then went off to enjoy a relaxing week themselves. The children were left crammed into everybody else’s tents and camper vans, and the adults who had actually stayed at the campsite ended up looking after them all.
I had already said I did not want to be put in that position again. I had that conversation only weeks before this happened, which is partly why I feel so ignored.
The child was asked if she wanted to come and initially said no. I thought that should have been the end of it. Instead, it was brought up again, and she eventually agreed. His mum and partner now feels guilty and wishes they didn’t invite her but it’s done now.
I even suggested that they could simply explain that they had spoken to me and, because of my health and everything that has happened recently, I really needed the holiday to be focused on spending time with my own children. They chose not to do that.
I have PoTS and reactive hypoglycaemia and struggle with dizziness, blackouts, weakness, fatigue and my heart rate shooting up when I stand.
More recently, I was taken into hospital with stroke-like symptoms, including slurred speech, numbness and weakness down one side. Thankfully, a stroke was ruled out, but I’m still experiencing weakness in my arm and leg and problems with my speech at times. I’m now waiting for neurological investigations and neuro physiotherapy.
After such a frightening and exhausting time, I genuinely needed this break. I wanted to use my limited time away from work to spend time with my husband and children, and I hoped the children would finally get some proper time with their grandparents too.
Instead, I now feel as though the focus will mainly be on the child they have invited, because she is the child they already spend the most time with. They have changed the sleeping arrangements and moved one of the original adults out of the cottage to make sure she can come.
It isn’t that I dislike the child, because I don’t, and none of this is her fault. My issue is entirely with the adults. They invited another child onto a holiday that was already full, despite knowing I didn’t want anyone else coming and despite the fact that this was supposed to be their opportunity to spend time with us and our children.
I’m also worried that I’ll end up helping to look after her. If she becomes upset, plays up, wants to go home or needs lots of attention, it will affect the entire holiday. If there are any major problems, her mum will need to come and collect her. I cannot take responsibility for another child while managing my health and looking after my own three.
I feel like I have no choice but to go, put a smile on my face and make sure my children have a lovely time. They’ve been looking forward to it and would be devastated if we cancelled. It wouldn’t be fair for them to lose their holiday because of a decision they had no part in.
But for me, it no longer feels like the holiday I agreed to use my annual leave for. I’m not looking forward to it anymore. It feels like a waste of the very limited time I get off work, and I feel resentful, anxious and hurt that the one boundary I clearly set was ignored.
I’ve decided that after this I won’t agree to any more family holidays, camping trips or similar gatherings, because I don’t trust that the same thing wouldn’t happen again.
AIBU to feel this was unfair, particularly when the holiday was their idea because they claimed they wanted to spend time with us and our children?

You go, they don’t. End of.

Not RTFT but who booked it?

If it was you and it's all in your name and you can afford it, I would send them their portion of the money back and say that you will just be going as a family. You can say that you would have loved to spend the week with them but that inviting your niece will change the dynamic completely and, for just this one week and your one holiday, you need it to be stress-free. Make it clear that there are no hard feelings, you would love to see them soon with the kids but that if they are keen to holiday with your DN, they should go ahead and do that but that it won't work for you this time.

If they want to come it's just them. Otherwise, none of them go and they can have their money back.

I think uninvite them from the cottage and all three of them sleep in the camper - on a campsite they book and pay for not outside the cottage, if they still want to come.

This is your holiday that you paid for! They seem to have no concept of simple boundaries. With most people you wouldn’t even need to state it - with them stating it is not enough, you need to enforce your boundaries with more than words. Actions and consequences.

This, and get your husband to tell them.

It's difficult to follow this thread as we've no idea whose post you're responding to. Can you not Quote whoever you are responding to please?

Stand up for yourselves. Reclaim this holiday as just your family without the in-laws.

You booked and paid for the accommodation for the original number and I would expect the contract to specificy that the accommodation is limited to those people. That’s your get out. No camper van and extra person or the booking could be cancelled without notice and without refund

Because I wouldn’t trust the ILs to not just turn up with the child, harder to say no when they’re there in front of you. However, if you’ve not given them the address, then absolutely go on your holiday and turn off your phone @Heathercost

You're being complete doormats.

Tell them that the terms of the rental won't allow this and that either the child isn't coming or you're cancelling. Give them 24 hours. They won't do it. This is just to give them one final chance to put you before the other grandchild.

So then tell them that you've cancelled, but don't actually do that. Then go without them, just your family.

Turn off your phones and have a great time. When you get back, ask them how it feels to be disrespected and lied to. They won't change how they behave, so you have to change your expectations.

Jesus christ what are people like, outrageous.
Id be livid and the extra child would NOT be coming.
Oh we have already told her she is
ok, YOU ARE NOT LISTENING TO ME, she is NOT coming,
i dont care how you make it happen or who you upset, but THIS IS NOT happening.
Just stand your bloody ground and refuse to budge. And tell them if they dont sort it, they cant come either.

Your update, regarding the age and behaviours of DH's niece, has tipped the balance for me OP.
They are all uninvited - have a lovely holiday for your own little family. DH needs to prioritise your health and the enjoyment of his own children. He needs to grow a backbone and tell them. If he won't, then do it yourself.

Can you tell the child's parent that you cannot take her DD on the holiday. It's all been booked with appropriate rooms, you cannot at this stage have an extra person the booking, and for the sake of your health at the moment, it is not possible for her to come. Be firm, get DH back-up if he is willing, and by-pass Mil, go straight to the parent and be ultra clear Its No. I really feel for you, OP. This should not happen. Its worth any ructions you Mil may throw - you really need this holiday, your way.🍀

This is ridiculous! Why would you ruin your holiday for people who are treating you so badly? Why on earth would you not spend your only week of holiday with your children. A holiday that you paid for! It's so absurd I ended up checking to see if you have a posting history to make sure I wasn't just falling foul of a rage-bait troll.

As PP have said, you (or rather, your DH) need to uninvite them if they insist on taking the child. You not going should absolutely not be an option. The options are they stick to the original plan or they don't come at all.

Even if this sours the relationship, it doesn't sound like a relationship worth maintaining if they can disregard your feelings in that way.

Stop saying things like you’re not going to go and then caving.

Tell them your holiday is precious and you don’t want to spend it with another child so they need to not come or not bring her.

It's time for your husband to grow a spine with his mom and her husband and his sister and tell the straight this isn't happening.

Mom, what part of do not invite niece did you not understand? You have gone and invited her anyway. Now I'm telling you you and your husband and kid are no longer invited. If you want to take x somewhere yourself, knock yourself out My wife needs a rest and to spend time with her kids and we are doing that without you.

Maybe sister bugs MIL so much it's more comfortable to basically tell you fuck you, I'm bringing niece but it's your turn to make her uncomfortable. She's not bringing niece or her husband or herself.

Tell them the whole holiday is cancelled and you have booked something else, then just go yourselves.

I think I'd draw a very clear line in the sand.

You don't want the child they've invited there and you don't want them there if they insist.

Screw it.
You will find it hell if you go along with it.
You may as well put your foot down now.

If you’ve paid for it disinvite them, if they’ve paid for it don’t go. Either way stop pussy footing around and be honest, they’re not going to sort it so if you really don’t want this kid to come then you’re going to have to sort it yourself.

Yes this was my thought too. I think you can easily get around this OP. No extra people allowed.

If you’ve paid for it, just univite them. “since you insist on niece coming, unfortunately it doesn’t work for us. We will just go as a family of 5 and we will see you another time.” And actually stick to it op.

The kid’s mother is offloading her for a freebie holiday. I’d be fuming especially as she’s a difficult child. Stay at home, put your feet up and let them crack on. Fucking cheek.

This is a great idea. You should definitely suggest that this will not work or even contact the cottage owners.

Basically op your post has made me really pissed off on your behalf. You are absolutely justified in not wanting your holiday completely changed without consultation. I would suggest your DH needs to step up and speak to his mother and tell her- not ask her - that this additional child cannot come, both because it’s not permitted but also and more importantly, because of your health.

or he can just take the mumsnet advice of ‘no is a complete sentence’ and not even give a reason, just this is our holiday and no, this does not work for us.

There is a reason women develop health problems, and this situation is a perfect example.

Awful family not giving a damn about them.
You are concerned about your children spending time with a grandmother who doesn't give a shit about you.

Limited annual leave and she still chooses to spoil it for you.

How many times will you put yourself and how you feel last?

That's why shit like this continues.

I feel so sorry for you, but until you start listening to what you want and not allowing yourself and your family to be an after thought, this is your life.

I would ever trust her again.
I would never agree to so much as a night away.

Fool me once.....except it's now multiple times.

If you go, refuse hands down to be involved with your niece, get up and walk away.

Considering your health I would suggest you actually stay home.
Leave your awful inlaws to your husband.

The rest would do you good.

If you actually paid for this then definitely dis invite them all.

Don’t let your in laws ruin your holiday-you have options here.

YABVU

It’s not just your holiday.
I don’t understand why you think you’re the only one that matters in this situation.

Its your PIL holiday and they asked you to come along.
You could have said no and booked your own separate family holiday instead.

I’m guessing this child has no siblings and therefore MIL thought it would be nice that she gets to spend some time with her cousins.

I think you are resentful that MIL sees this child much more than yours.

Suck it up and enjoy the holiday.
Then in future just go on an immediate family holiday instead.