AIBU to feel like my holiday has been ruined before we’ve even gone?

[Heathercost]

AIBU to feel like my holiday has been ruined before we’ve even gone?
My husband’s mum and her partner suggested that we all book a cottage in Wales together because they said they wanted to spend some proper time with us as a family.
We booked the cottage for me, my husband, our three children, his mum and her partner. It only sleeps seven, so it was booked for exactly the seven of us.
His mum has now invited another child to come for the whole holiday. Because the cottage only sleeps seven, her partner is now going to sleep in their camper van at night so that the child can take her place inside the cottage.
What makes this harder for me is that his mum and her partner don’t spend a huge amount of time with our three children. They already spend far more time with the child they have invited and are very close to her.
This holiday was their idea. They were the ones who said they wanted to go away with us and spend time with our family. I work full time and have very limited annual leave, so taking a week off is a big thing for me. It now feels as though I’m using that precious time on a holiday that has been completely changed from what I agreed to.
I had already made it clear that I didn’t want anyone else coming. I had also specifically spoken about our last family camping trip and how badly that went.
On that trip, several adults essentially dropped their children at the campsite and then went off to enjoy a relaxing week themselves. The children were left crammed into everybody else’s tents and camper vans, and the adults who had actually stayed at the campsite ended up looking after them all.
I had already said I did not want to be put in that position again. I had that conversation only weeks before this happened, which is partly why I feel so ignored.
The child was asked if she wanted to come and initially said no. I thought that should have been the end of it. Instead, it was brought up again, and she eventually agreed. His mum and partner now feels guilty and wishes they didn’t invite her but it’s done now.
I even suggested that they could simply explain that they had spoken to me and, because of my health and everything that has happened recently, I really needed the holiday to be focused on spending time with my own children. They chose not to do that.
I have PoTS and reactive hypoglycaemia and struggle with dizziness, blackouts, weakness, fatigue and my heart rate shooting up when I stand.
More recently, I was taken into hospital with stroke-like symptoms, including slurred speech, numbness and weakness down one side. Thankfully, a stroke was ruled out, but I’m still experiencing weakness in my arm and leg and problems with my speech at times. I’m now waiting for neurological investigations and neuro physiotherapy.
After such a frightening and exhausting time, I genuinely needed this break. I wanted to use my limited time away from work to spend time with my husband and children, and I hoped the children would finally get some proper time with their grandparents too.
Instead, I now feel as though the focus will mainly be on the child they have invited, because she is the child they already spend the most time with. They have changed the sleeping arrangements and moved one of the original adults out of the cottage to make sure she can come.
It isn’t that I dislike the child, because I don’t, and none of this is her fault. My issue is entirely with the adults. They invited another child onto a holiday that was already full, despite knowing I didn’t want anyone else coming and despite the fact that this was supposed to be their opportunity to spend time with us and our children.
I’m also worried that I’ll end up helping to look after her. If she becomes upset, plays up, wants to go home or needs lots of attention, it will affect the entire holiday. If there are any major problems, her mum will need to come and collect her. I cannot take responsibility for another child while managing my health and looking after my own three.
I feel like I have no choice but to go, put a smile on my face and make sure my children have a lovely time. They’ve been looking forward to it and would be devastated if we cancelled. It wouldn’t be fair for them to lose their holiday because of a decision they had no part in.
But for me, it no longer feels like the holiday I agreed to use my annual leave for. I’m not looking forward to it anymore. It feels like a waste of the very limited time I get off work, and I feel resentful, anxious and hurt that the one boundary I clearly set was ignored.
I’ve decided that after this I won’t agree to any more family holidays, camping trips or similar gatherings, because I don’t trust that the same thing wouldn’t happen again.
AIBU to feel this was unfair, particularly when the holiday was their idea because they claimed they wanted to spend time with us and our children?

This x 100.

When large numbers of people bother to read and reply to an OP, it is considerate to actually return and respond to some of the many questions with more information.

I agree.

Why is your husband in hiding? Get him to call his parents and explain that either the neice drops out or you will cancel. This is your only holiday, so make sure you spend it as you wish.

I have answered these. I have said no. I have expressed my feelings. They know how unhappy we are. I even said I’m not going to go. The holiday is set to start on Monday and the money I’ve paid would not be returned. The only thing they keep saying is please go. Not. We will sort it out we will say she can’t to. Every time it’s just projecting it back to me either upsetting my child or upsetting the other child. I’m not one to argue. If I have an argument I end up feeling so sick and sleep for days as it’s just not who I am. They are very argumentative at times in the past. Not with me as I’m always pretty docile but I felt I put my foot down on this until I had the message last night. As I say. We leave to travel up there tommorow and cottage starts Monday

I also think a lot of my responses were lost because I was clicking add post rather then quote which was not very helpful. I’m new here. I just wanted to get everyone’s thoughts on it really. I’ve got a bit to think about. I definitely think the point about the insurance needs to be told to then so I’m going to have a large drink and call them and explain this. It may be an easier way out then the argument I’m sure will happen. I’m surprised it hasn’t already as I was very harsh with them when they told me what they had did

But you ARE going to go, and they already know this.

Playing devil's advocate here, can you insist that they all sleep in the camper van at night so that you and the kids get a break from them all? Preferably on a campsite nearby....

Oooo i actually really like this idea and that could be a really good meet in the middle! Also gets around the issues they’ve put us in with the insurance as it is only meant to be a 7 person cottage. My nerves are going to be on edge

Whose name is the cottage booking in?

Who paid for the whole cottage, did you mean you have just paid a share or for the whole thing. Who is paying for the child?

Have you said categorically 'the child cannot go, please inform her parents that she is not coming on the holiday, it is not an option'. Have you made that crystal clear?

Its not about your health at all. You dont need to be about your health. I do not have your health problems and I would not tolerate this at all. The answer would be no, this is not happening, please make that crystal clear to all involved and do not bring the child to the holiday or it will be cancelled.

The Holiday let will only have insurance for seven people if it sleeps 7. Irrespective of the partner sleeping outside in the campervan. You are essentially breaking the contract. I would say you've spoken to the holiday let and they've said seven Max.

This! Tell them she's not coming. In fact tell them they arent coming either. Honestly OP, grow a backbone. Life is too short to let people walk all over you. Why do you want to keep people like that happy and in your life

I would be wary of this as OP hasnt said whose name the booking is in and whether they do their own digging and find out that there is flexibility or something

These sort of half truths or easy way outs always come back to bite you somehow.

Becuase the truth of the matter is, this is a family holiday for OP and her nuclear family and the PILs, NOT the neice, its a simple as that. It doesnt need to be embellished with issues about health needs or insurance. It just isnt going to work

If OP is being manipulated with tales of upset children left right and centre, she just has to work hard at brazening it out and 'oh well, Im sure they'll be fine', do nonchalant, be unbovvered, be devil may care about it. Inside, she might be worried and anxious, but fi they think they're making her guilty, they'll push harder and harder.

I have serious health conditions and holidays have to be very carefully planned with only set people there. This is so I can manage my condition and be able to enjoy my holiday. (My son isn't always the easiest either!)
You agreed to holiday with them only and it is unacceptable for them to add an extra person in, especially one who is so difficult.
If you are able to, I would remove them from the booking, tell them they can no longer come on the holiday and go and enjoy yourselves as a family.
When you have serious health conditions, you have to be selfish in order to survive at times. This is one of those times. It is really hard to do but you have been put in a position where you have no other choice.
This is on them, not you.

Is the SIL the "golden child" who gets everything, no matter who it hurts?

I like the idea of telling the ILs to find somewhere else to stay because you know there will be a problem with eight using a space reserved for seven. I am sure the contract doesn't mean, "Others can come and use our water and stuff as long as they sleep in a camper van".
If you all got kicked out, it would be horrible for your health as the stress would be immense. Your DH needs to back you on this.
Just tell them that they crossed a line and you and your DH and children are going alone and they can have a fun week "somewhere" with the other GD.

It sounds like the other child controls the grownups around her instead of listening to them.

If you get stuck having to go with them, don't watch your niece. Don't pay for activities for her and make sure MIL pays for the extra treats and food. Just repeat, "Not my idea, not my funding", over and over again.

(My first idea is the better one)

And OP, I mean this supportively, but being a doormat will not make your health matters better, you'll be internalising all sorts of resentment and anger and that can contribute to physical and emotional health.

Whose name is the cottage booking in?

Who paid for the whole cottage, did you mean you have just paid a share or for the whole thing. Who is paying for the child?

I'm not entirely clear on this either.

If the cottage is in your name and you've paid for the whole thing then you hold the power here.

If the cottage is in MIL name and you've only paid for your share then it becomes trickier for you to dictate who comes. Although you could say that you agreed to the holiday under false pretences, given the idea was for MIL to spend time with your family.

Just share with the kid's parents (and your in-laws) that you won't be available for any childcare whatsoever. Explain in advance that the parents need to be on standby to come collect her. Be as offputting as you can and maybe the parents won't even let her go(!) Tell your in-laws if they don't spend X amount of time with your kids, you will never book another holiday with them again and will reduce visitation with them (last part optional - all of it is, really!)

Yes, if its the latter then you want your money back thank you very much so that you can book what you originally planned, a holiday with x number of children ONLY

So they’ll be paying for themselves?

Whose name is the lead person on the booking?

Just tell them either the child doesn’t go or non of them go, it’s their choice. Then say if they’d prefer to all go in the camper van and stay on a campsite in the area, you’d meet up for a day or two doing activities. This is your holiday, you’ve paid for it & they’ve moved goalposts, so it’s on them to decide which is more important to them. Stand firm @Heathercost & don’t feel guilty.

Our name. Nothing has been said about any money contribution from the child’s mother for food either. I’ve got bags of snacks etc for my children which now costs a small fortune. I know she will be turning up with nothing as well so I’m sure his mum will be paying for all her outings and food. She has siblings which are being left behind and goes on regular holidays with her family.

You're talking as if this is a fait accompli?

Surely the kid aint coming!!!

I’m having a large drink of wine and making the call. You guys have helped make me feel like I’m not in the wrong here and this is what it needs to be. I’ll mention the insurance as well as that’s a very fair point I feel as well. But wine first. My heart is honestly racing. I don’t handle these things well but it does need to be said

So Mom was able to dump the "problem child" on you and your family for a week, while she pays nothing for that pleasure.

I really send you my sympathy, @Heathercost. I wish your DH would just tell them they can all stay home or stay elsewhere, but I realize it's easier said than done.

I have health problems too and I couldn't handle what you are being asked to handle and deal with. UnMumsnet {{HUGS}} to you!

If you contact the booking agent I am sure they will say no to an extra person. Unless it is advertised as a holiday let for 8 people, the owner, not the agent will only be insured for 7 people. Xxx