AIBU to feel like my holiday has been ruined before we’ve even gone?

[Heathercost]

AIBU to feel like my holiday has been ruined before we’ve even gone?
My husband’s mum and her partner suggested that we all book a cottage in Wales together because they said they wanted to spend some proper time with us as a family.
We booked the cottage for me, my husband, our three children, his mum and her partner. It only sleeps seven, so it was booked for exactly the seven of us.
His mum has now invited another child to come for the whole holiday. Because the cottage only sleeps seven, her partner is now going to sleep in their camper van at night so that the child can take her place inside the cottage.
What makes this harder for me is that his mum and her partner don’t spend a huge amount of time with our three children. They already spend far more time with the child they have invited and are very close to her.
This holiday was their idea. They were the ones who said they wanted to go away with us and spend time with our family. I work full time and have very limited annual leave, so taking a week off is a big thing for me. It now feels as though I’m using that precious time on a holiday that has been completely changed from what I agreed to.
I had already made it clear that I didn’t want anyone else coming. I had also specifically spoken about our last family camping trip and how badly that went.
On that trip, several adults essentially dropped their children at the campsite and then went off to enjoy a relaxing week themselves. The children were left crammed into everybody else’s tents and camper vans, and the adults who had actually stayed at the campsite ended up looking after them all.
I had already said I did not want to be put in that position again. I had that conversation only weeks before this happened, which is partly why I feel so ignored.
The child was asked if she wanted to come and initially said no. I thought that should have been the end of it. Instead, it was brought up again, and she eventually agreed. His mum and partner now feels guilty and wishes they didn’t invite her but it’s done now.
I even suggested that they could simply explain that they had spoken to me and, because of my health and everything that has happened recently, I really needed the holiday to be focused on spending time with my own children. They chose not to do that.
I have PoTS and reactive hypoglycaemia and struggle with dizziness, blackouts, weakness, fatigue and my heart rate shooting up when I stand.
More recently, I was taken into hospital with stroke-like symptoms, including slurred speech, numbness and weakness down one side. Thankfully, a stroke was ruled out, but I’m still experiencing weakness in my arm and leg and problems with my speech at times. I’m now waiting for neurological investigations and neuro physiotherapy.
After such a frightening and exhausting time, I genuinely needed this break. I wanted to use my limited time away from work to spend time with my husband and children, and I hoped the children would finally get some proper time with their grandparents too.
Instead, I now feel as though the focus will mainly be on the child they have invited, because she is the child they already spend the most time with. They have changed the sleeping arrangements and moved one of the original adults out of the cottage to make sure she can come.
It isn’t that I dislike the child, because I don’t, and none of this is her fault. My issue is entirely with the adults. They invited another child onto a holiday that was already full, despite knowing I didn’t want anyone else coming and despite the fact that this was supposed to be their opportunity to spend time with us and our children.
I’m also worried that I’ll end up helping to look after her. If she becomes upset, plays up, wants to go home or needs lots of attention, it will affect the entire holiday. If there are any major problems, her mum will need to come and collect her. I cannot take responsibility for another child while managing my health and looking after my own three.
I feel like I have no choice but to go, put a smile on my face and make sure my children have a lovely time. They’ve been looking forward to it and would be devastated if we cancelled. It wouldn’t be fair for them to lose their holiday because of a decision they had no part in.
But for me, it no longer feels like the holiday I agreed to use my annual leave for. I’m not looking forward to it anymore. It feels like a waste of the very limited time I get off work, and I feel resentful, anxious and hurt that the one boundary I clearly set was ignored.
I’ve decided that after this I won’t agree to any more family holidays, camping trips or similar gatherings, because I don’t trust that the same thing wouldn’t happen again.
AIBU to feel this was unfair, particularly when the holiday was their idea because they claimed they wanted to spend time with us and our children?

Know you have many of us sending you support and our tacit agreement that you have the right to control YOUR vacation.
Take deep breaths, because you know you are right in this instance.

Me again. Holiday cottage owner. You seem to be side stepping the issue of the extra person and the camper van. You cannot turn up with an extra person, even a child. If the owner finds out, then you risk losing the whole holiday. I would turf you out, legitimately, for breaking my T&Cs. You need to explain this to your Mil asap. I have every sympathy for you but you need to address this big issue. Just mentioning insurance to her isn’t enough.

Where is DH in all of this. It sounds like he hasn’t done much to hold firm that it is a holiday just for those who were originally invited.

Hold on... you paid, it's your ONE week off with your children/family and they invited her?

Absolutely not. I'd message the Mum directly, I wouldn't care what they said 'Unfortunately there has been a mistake, this holiday is just meant for our family unit and we are not able to take anyone else due to my health issues. I don't know why MIL said 'x' can come but she was mistaken. Thanks for your understanding.'

And I'd tell MIL that it's her own fault for ignoring your wishes and they either come JUST the two of them or they don't bother.

If she's got form for running away, it's not up to you to chase after her. It's your MIL's circus. Don't accept any responsibility for her - if she and you do in fact go.

Whenever we've booked self catering,there has always been a tick box or similar to say you've understood and agreed to the terms and conditions relating to the maximum amount of guests allowed.
So it's not an excuse,you can't exceed that.

I wouldnt talk to them, you'll be nervous perhaps? Or are you better on the phone. I would just send a group text or whatsapp and set it all out. You protect yourself OP, no one else will in this world I can tell you that, good luck

@Heathercost just read your latest update. Have PIL paid anything towards the holiday? Not that this changes anything, I'm just intrigued as to how much CFery your ILs are playing at.

To reiterate what PP have said, what is DH doing in all of this? You clearly have our support on MN, but I'm concerned that you're the one swigging a glass of wine building the courage to speak to his family.

You’d think if his wife has the health problems sha says she has, he would step up just a bit and tell his own parents to back off.

But no, he is happy to let his wife deal with it (or not, as it seems).

Agreed. Why isn't he telling them no?

Can you imagine anyway, she runs off, you have to report her missing to police and social services, police will expect that the people in loco parentis go searching for her quite often, they're loathe to get involved if that hasnt happened yet, then you're up all night dealing with the authorities

Fuck that for a game of soldiers.

We too used to own a holiday cottage, which we only let out to adults, we had a booking come in for a couple, and at no time during the process did they tell us that they intended to bring anyone else, even though we exchanged emails on several occasions. They obviously didn't realise that we actually lived next door, to the property, and so when they turned up and saw my DH coming to greet them, they tried to hide their two kids in the car, but DH saw them and asked what they were planning to do about the children as it said clearly on our website 'no children' due to safety issues. Thankfully at that time we had a booking agent, so we handed it over to them to deal with, and they told them that we weren't insured, and didn't accept children because there was a stream at the bottom of the garden, and an open shed with lots of sharp woodworking tools, which was obviously a very unsuitable environment for kids. They argued that they would keep an eye on the kids, but I was adamant that I was not accepting responsibility for this, and so the booking agent told them that they had to leave. I suspect it ruined their holiday, so it really isn't worth trying to pull the wool over people's eyes OP, and you can tell your in-laws that from me.

I’d ask your DH to uninvite his parents. Have a lovely week away with your own family instead. They changed the dynamic, not you.

People have asked you umpteen times about the payment situation!
Did you pay for MIL and her partner?
Did they pay for themselves?
Or did they pay for everyone?

As many people have stated, this changes the dynamics slightly but it seems like you're avoiding answering this.

Why is this all on you? Why isn't your DH phoning his parents? Why isn't he telling them not to invite her?

Good luck and stand firm. You are 100% in the right here. How hurtful of your MIL not to put her other grandchildren first for once. Have heard of this type of nonsense happening to other people, wouldn't tolerate it at all.

If you do speak to them OP, do a little crib sheet to have next to you while chatting, do NOT deviate from that crib sheet, dont let them go off tangent, dont let them bring other things into the conversation, dont let them play the upset children card, repeat repeat repeat, that isnt going to work and its not what I signed up for and so she cant come, Im sure she'll be fine. No really, she'll be fine, yeah she'll be fine, no I cant allow her tocome, no she isnt coming

I'll phone them OP, give me their number!!!!

And dont have an apologetic tone in your voice, have a rather exasperated and frustrated and angry tone in your voice.

No Im not projecting. You don’t understand family dynamics or what I wrote. The MIL has a golden child (her daughter) and the daughter’s daughter is also privileged and coddled like her mother. Status in the family is often inherited so favoured children/favoured grandchildren while the scapegoat child has scapegoat grandchildren and the utility child has a child snd spouse who are valued only as long as they serve the needs of more important family members.
I would like to also point out that the golden child, though favoured, is often destroyed by the favouritism and ends up having a hard life/being dysfunctional like the sister in law and her child in OP’s account.

It’s Sunday night and the holiday is due to start tomorrow @Heathercost - hope you’re packing with your excited DC. It’s not fair on you or them to cancel. Don’t share future holiday plans with your in-laws. Just you, DH and DC.

@Heathercost not sure why your husband isn’t the one sorting this, it’s his mother. Secondly if they won’t capitulate I’d uninvite them all, you paid for the cottage, they can take their own trip if they still want to take her away. Thirdly they are so entitled and rude to have put you in this position, they’re taking her out of school for a week for no good reason and invited her twice despite your explicit instructions not to. These people are awful!

I’ve answered it a few times. I just admit I’ve never posted on a. Forum before and there is alot of comment. We paid nothing has been said about any payment from the child’s mother

Have I lost a day?!

No, I have - it’s the heat 🥵

I sincerely hope that by now you will have made that call, @Heathercost

But tomorrow, or one day next week, read through all your posts on this thread. The way you have been pretzeling yourself to try and accommodate your relatives’ shameless attempts at taking advantage of you and your generosity - at the expense of your health and your children’s needs - is painful to witness.

Please, after your (hopefully lovely) holiday, take steps to figure out how to build healthy boundaries and learn to prioritise your family’s needs and yours. Otherwise people will continue to take advantage of you for evermore.