AIBU to feel like my holiday has been ruined before we’ve even gone?

[Heathercost]

AIBU to feel like my holiday has been ruined before we’ve even gone?
My husband’s mum and her partner suggested that we all book a cottage in Wales together because they said they wanted to spend some proper time with us as a family.
We booked the cottage for me, my husband, our three children, his mum and her partner. It only sleeps seven, so it was booked for exactly the seven of us.
His mum has now invited another child to come for the whole holiday. Because the cottage only sleeps seven, her partner is now going to sleep in their camper van at night so that the child can take her place inside the cottage.
What makes this harder for me is that his mum and her partner don’t spend a huge amount of time with our three children. They already spend far more time with the child they have invited and are very close to her.
This holiday was their idea. They were the ones who said they wanted to go away with us and spend time with our family. I work full time and have very limited annual leave, so taking a week off is a big thing for me. It now feels as though I’m using that precious time on a holiday that has been completely changed from what I agreed to.
I had already made it clear that I didn’t want anyone else coming. I had also specifically spoken about our last family camping trip and how badly that went.
On that trip, several adults essentially dropped their children at the campsite and then went off to enjoy a relaxing week themselves. The children were left crammed into everybody else’s tents and camper vans, and the adults who had actually stayed at the campsite ended up looking after them all.
I had already said I did not want to be put in that position again. I had that conversation only weeks before this happened, which is partly why I feel so ignored.
The child was asked if she wanted to come and initially said no. I thought that should have been the end of it. Instead, it was brought up again, and she eventually agreed. His mum and partner now feels guilty and wishes they didn’t invite her but it’s done now.
I even suggested that they could simply explain that they had spoken to me and, because of my health and everything that has happened recently, I really needed the holiday to be focused on spending time with my own children. They chose not to do that.
I have PoTS and reactive hypoglycaemia and struggle with dizziness, blackouts, weakness, fatigue and my heart rate shooting up when I stand.
More recently, I was taken into hospital with stroke-like symptoms, including slurred speech, numbness and weakness down one side. Thankfully, a stroke was ruled out, but I’m still experiencing weakness in my arm and leg and problems with my speech at times. I’m now waiting for neurological investigations and neuro physiotherapy.
After such a frightening and exhausting time, I genuinely needed this break. I wanted to use my limited time away from work to spend time with my husband and children, and I hoped the children would finally get some proper time with their grandparents too.
Instead, I now feel as though the focus will mainly be on the child they have invited, because she is the child they already spend the most time with. They have changed the sleeping arrangements and moved one of the original adults out of the cottage to make sure she can come.
It isn’t that I dislike the child, because I don’t, and none of this is her fault. My issue is entirely with the adults. They invited another child onto a holiday that was already full, despite knowing I didn’t want anyone else coming and despite the fact that this was supposed to be their opportunity to spend time with us and our children.
I’m also worried that I’ll end up helping to look after her. If she becomes upset, plays up, wants to go home or needs lots of attention, it will affect the entire holiday. If there are any major problems, her mum will need to come and collect her. I cannot take responsibility for another child while managing my health and looking after my own three.
I feel like I have no choice but to go, put a smile on my face and make sure my children have a lovely time. They’ve been looking forward to it and would be devastated if we cancelled. It wouldn’t be fair for them to lose their holiday because of a decision they had no part in.
But for me, it no longer feels like the holiday I agreed to use my annual leave for. I’m not looking forward to it anymore. It feels like a waste of the very limited time I get off work, and I feel resentful, anxious and hurt that the one boundary I clearly set was ignored.
I’ve decided that after this I won’t agree to any more family holidays, camping trips or similar gatherings, because I don’t trust that the same thing wouldn’t happen again.
AIBU to feel this was unfair, particularly when the holiday was their idea because they claimed they wanted to spend time with us and our children?

Honestly, just tell your PILs that they are uninvited along with your DH's niece. You have paid for the holiday and they went behind your back and invited a much older child who is badly behaved and sometimes violent. Your PILs can look after her at home.

You need to get much angrier about this. This child's mother has seven weeks off while you only have this one week with your children where you will need to try and control a badly behaved much older child who could be a danger to your children. Your PILs are really cheeky to do this to you.

I really can't believe that you're prepared to put up with this OP. As it's your DH's parents, tell him once again, that you are really upset about them sneaking in this other child, and as far as you're concerned it's ruined the holiday for you, as you will be on edge the whole time, waiting for this kid to play up, have the child dumped on you to look after, or they will upset your children, which will ruin THEIR holiday. Tell him that you want him to tell his parents that having thought it over, you've DECIDED that it's best if they don't come at all, and you just keep it as a holiday for yourselves and your children ONLY. If they have contributed financially in anyway, reimburse them, but there's NO WAY that I would allow this to go forward, and bearing in mind your health, and the possibility that this kid will spoil your own children's holiday, either by taking up all of granny and grandad's time, or being nasty, possibly even physical with them. Put your foot down and MEAN IT!!

Contacting the holiday let owners is a good idea.
Rocking up with a camper van and extra people, marks you out as complete CF's, and you might find they get to cancel and keep the full amount because YOU have broken the agreement.

This is dregs behaviour.

Learn from this, OP, and stop booking holidays with your in laws. If it's just you, your husband & kids, then you can decide exactly how it goes. The solution to this problem is easily available to you.

I really think your DH needs to say that this child cannot come.

@Heathercost You have paid for it. It is not a case of you all not going, and can’t be a case of just you not going - you need to uninvited your PIL and their guest.

You get 1 week off work to spend with your children. They get 1 week of your time to spend with you. If you won’t do it for yourself, do it for your children. They deserve to be prioritised and not having to spend their only holiday with a violent older child who will take all their grandparents’ attention and make their mother ill.

Your DH needs to tell his mother “If you insist on child coming with you, then we can no longer host you and your husband. This is our holiday, which we invited you to join us to spend dedicated time with your other grandchildren. As you will not be doing that, we will be holidaying without you.”

Your children deserve you standing up for them on this. They may be upset initially that Granny and Grandpa are not coming, but they will be a whole lot more upset if they are ignored by them in favour of their cousin.

Think of it this way. If you back down and go and let this kid ruin it for everyone, you're not taking a stand for your kids to have an enjoyable holiday with you. They'll remember the niece always got her way and they didn't get the fun family holiday, they got jack.

If you stay home, again, you're not prioritizing your kids having a fun family holiday with you there and doing stuff with them.

If you go, you'll be managing your niece, not spending this time with your kids.

Put your kids first.

And stop having holidays with people who stomp your boundaries.

You've missed out the option where you assert the boundary.

If you feel too uncomfortable, the fact that this is your booking and you'll be overcrowded. You were worried about fire insurance, so you contacted them to check if they'd allow an extra person plus a camper van and they said no. Your hands are now tied, as you're worried they'd come round to check and kick you out.

Is it refundable? If it is I’d cancel and just void something for your household. It sounds like the whole holiday will have to be catered to DN now.

Your DH now needs to step up and tell his mum that she, her DP and niece are now uninvited.

They are not to come.

They can be as pissed off as they like - won't change anything. Still uninvited.

Just keep repeating that...

No! They need to make it clear that the niece WILL NOT BE GOING! And if the in-laws insist, then THEY will be uninvited too!

FFS 🤦‍♀️ Why do so many people put up with shit like this? It astounds me!

You're not "a rubbish person" and I don't think you're bitter. You're upset over this because you are probably TOO understanding, accommodating, and compassionate. You'd already reached your limit, and clearly said so, before getting hit with this completely unnecessary and inadvisable change to your holiday. You'd already put up with poor behaviour from your MIL and her partner on a previous holiday, and as a consequence you set very clear boundaries for this one. Everyone agreed to these before the trip was booked. You did everything to explain why this was so important to you, and they completely disregarded everything you'd said and did the exact opposite.

Even if you'd said nothing about wanting just the seven of you on holiday, your MIL should have checked with you and your husband before inviting the other child, and accepted your "no" to changing the plans. That's basic courtesy and common sense. But this isn't even that kind of situation - they seem to have gone out of their way to manipulate the child into coming along on a trip she doesn't even want. Their behaviour is incredibly odd, and even your husband can't explain it.

I would, at this stage, either disinvite them or tell them that only the two of them are invited and if they bring along anyone else at any stage of the holiday, they will be asked to leave. It sounds incredibly weird and probably uncomfortable for you to push back like this because this isn't a normal situation. But you are absolutely not at fault here. If your MIL and partner are playing some weird game - they don't want to go on the trip or they're hoping you'll stay home but don't have the nerve to say so - don't make it your problem. You've already wasted too much energy on this. It's unfair of them to put you in this position.

Oh dear. I hate to tell you this, but you have not stood up for yourself. Maybe a tiny bit, I don't want to discourage you, but you are still getting steamrolled and seem to have accepted that you have no choice but to go on this holiday and look after this child who is violent, disobedient, runs away, won't tidy up, etc. Your own holiday WILL be ruined and you will come back more tired than before and you'll have used up all your leave to do it while your husband's sister will have several more weeks of relaxing, no doubt continuing to use your MIL as a free babysitter.

Standing up for yourself, and setting boundaries, doesn't mean you say, "Don't do this" or "please don't do this" or "we are really sad that you did this and feel really hurt." It means that when the other person does the thing you asked them not to do, you act to protect yourself. You don't just speak to protect yourself. You ACT. This may be uncomfortable for the other person. They may lose out on something they wanted. That's the consequence of them crossing your boundaries.

In this case, you told your MIL not to invite anyone and she did so anyway. You told her that, for your health, you really need this holiday to have no extra visitors and she invited this child anyway. And this isn't just any child. This child is particularly difficult. She didn't just ignore your boundaries. She has done something that is actively destructive towards your health and wellbeing.

Now, instead of asserting your boundaries, you are more or less saying, "Well that's it then. I just have to go and suck it up."

What you do in this situation depends on who paid for the rental. If it's your MIL, you just don't show up. Don't pay her for it - your payment was under the agreement for a trip that she reneged on. Use the money to go somewhere else. If you and your DH paid for the rental, uninvite your MIL and her partner (and whoever they have tagging along with them). Tell them it's canceled, or don't. if they show up, call the owner and ask them to be removed from the property. Or cancel the rental and rent somewhere else. Or, call the sister and tell her the child was never invited because your MIL didn't pay for this rental and never had the right to invite someone else.

Asserting boundaries means acting. Not just talking.

Tell me you’ve not actually bothered to read the OP’s post without telling me…….. et cetera…

Just tell them it is against the terms and conditions of the booking, the cottage sleeps 7, it doesn't permit extra guests camping outside!

It's just a no. You booked and paid for a specific trip, so uninvite them.

There's not a lot more to say than they've crossed a line and it's not happening.

In light of all this, I am definitely in the no camp, even if that means cancelling the whole holiday / inviting the in laws. You ar unwell and you have very limited holiday. Yous hours not be bullied into holidaying with someone else’s difficult child. Full stop

Wake up and smell the coffee. Your in laws are displaying absolute contempt for you and this bait and switch was always going to happen. You and your dh should absolutely just say no and disinvite your MIL and her partner. Stand up for yourselves. At least you won’t feel like such a patsy even if the holiday is ruined.

I have.

OP is the only one bothered about this.

It was MIL’s idea and OP and the family chose to go with them.

Everyone saying to cancel etc even though OPs kids will miss out are being incredibly selfish.

OP has the option to stay home if she really can’t cope being around this child but it’s not fair to cancel and ruin everyone’s holiday over this.

Like I said she needs to suck it up this one time and then not book her limited AL going with anyone but her immediate family.

This. It’s really simple - just tell them that the invitation is off. No explanation needed. You go with your family, relax and enjoy your holiday! 🙂

Don’t let the other child go. Phone their mum if you must but do not let this spoil the only time you have with your children and their grandparents.Granny will spend all her time fussing over the other child instead of giving you a break for once. I would be livid.

Cancel it. Book something else for your family and let your PIL and niece do something else without you.

This will never stop if you give in to it now. Time for the point to be made.

Your DH needs to step up and take control. This is his family. He needs to tell his mum you are not well enough to bring an extra child into the mix, and that she cannot come. He can also call his sister and give her the same message.

When you say you've paid, do you mean you've paid all of it? Or that you've paid your share? If the former, it is your holiday that they are tagging along to. So I would invite them. It is your kids' holiday and they don't get along.

They are choosing their other grandchild so you choose your own family and uninvite your MIL and partner. They can still take their preferred grandchild away with them, it just won't be with you.

You still get the holiday cottage with your children and Dh. You all still get the holiday you booked.

Your Dh needs to tell his Mum that she is choosing this child again over his and he will not stand for it. It is not happening. Your time is precious with your children, you are only getting 1 week away this summer so make the most of it.

Stand firm, tell them no and you fucking mean it. Nothing they say will persuade you. This is you setting a boundary and stick with it. As a parent of adult children it goes so fast so make the most of your family time, you shouldn't have to slap a smile on your face.