AIBU to feel like my holiday has been ruined before we’ve even gone?

[Heathercost]

AIBU to feel like my holiday has been ruined before we’ve even gone?
My husband’s mum and her partner suggested that we all book a cottage in Wales together because they said they wanted to spend some proper time with us as a family.
We booked the cottage for me, my husband, our three children, his mum and her partner. It only sleeps seven, so it was booked for exactly the seven of us.
His mum has now invited another child to come for the whole holiday. Because the cottage only sleeps seven, her partner is now going to sleep in their camper van at night so that the child can take her place inside the cottage.
What makes this harder for me is that his mum and her partner don’t spend a huge amount of time with our three children. They already spend far more time with the child they have invited and are very close to her.
This holiday was their idea. They were the ones who said they wanted to go away with us and spend time with our family. I work full time and have very limited annual leave, so taking a week off is a big thing for me. It now feels as though I’m using that precious time on a holiday that has been completely changed from what I agreed to.
I had already made it clear that I didn’t want anyone else coming. I had also specifically spoken about our last family camping trip and how badly that went.
On that trip, several adults essentially dropped their children at the campsite and then went off to enjoy a relaxing week themselves. The children were left crammed into everybody else’s tents and camper vans, and the adults who had actually stayed at the campsite ended up looking after them all.
I had already said I did not want to be put in that position again. I had that conversation only weeks before this happened, which is partly why I feel so ignored.
The child was asked if she wanted to come and initially said no. I thought that should have been the end of it. Instead, it was brought up again, and she eventually agreed. His mum and partner now feels guilty and wishes they didn’t invite her but it’s done now.
I even suggested that they could simply explain that they had spoken to me and, because of my health and everything that has happened recently, I really needed the holiday to be focused on spending time with my own children. They chose not to do that.
I have PoTS and reactive hypoglycaemia and struggle with dizziness, blackouts, weakness, fatigue and my heart rate shooting up when I stand.
More recently, I was taken into hospital with stroke-like symptoms, including slurred speech, numbness and weakness down one side. Thankfully, a stroke was ruled out, but I’m still experiencing weakness in my arm and leg and problems with my speech at times. I’m now waiting for neurological investigations and neuro physiotherapy.
After such a frightening and exhausting time, I genuinely needed this break. I wanted to use my limited time away from work to spend time with my husband and children, and I hoped the children would finally get some proper time with their grandparents too.
Instead, I now feel as though the focus will mainly be on the child they have invited, because she is the child they already spend the most time with. They have changed the sleeping arrangements and moved one of the original adults out of the cottage to make sure she can come.
It isn’t that I dislike the child, because I don’t, and none of this is her fault. My issue is entirely with the adults. They invited another child onto a holiday that was already full, despite knowing I didn’t want anyone else coming and despite the fact that this was supposed to be their opportunity to spend time with us and our children.
I’m also worried that I’ll end up helping to look after her. If she becomes upset, plays up, wants to go home or needs lots of attention, it will affect the entire holiday. If there are any major problems, her mum will need to come and collect her. I cannot take responsibility for another child while managing my health and looking after my own three.
I feel like I have no choice but to go, put a smile on my face and make sure my children have a lovely time. They’ve been looking forward to it and would be devastated if we cancelled. It wouldn’t be fair for them to lose their holiday because of a decision they had no part in.
But for me, it no longer feels like the holiday I agreed to use my annual leave for. I’m not looking forward to it anymore. It feels like a waste of the very limited time I get off work, and I feel resentful, anxious and hurt that the one boundary I clearly set was ignored.
I’ve decided that after this I won’t agree to any more family holidays, camping trips or similar gatherings, because I don’t trust that the same thing wouldn’t happen again.
AIBU to feel this was unfair, particularly when the holiday was their idea because they claimed they wanted to spend time with us and our children?

I would be annoyed too. You wanted a relaxing holiday where your kids could bond with their grandparents, now another child who has behavioural problems is coming too; it'll change the whole vibe and add work.

If you paid for the holiday say to the ILs "it's best if you sit this one out then because my health has been bad and I can't cope with spending a week with Lexi." Then you just go to the cottage alone with your own children.

If you split the holiday costs, can you send your DP on the holiday with your kids while you stay at home and rest? (Where is your DP in this by the way?)

Whatever you do, don't go and resent every minute. That kind of bitterness eats at you.

It was bad of them to invite another child when they knew you weren't keen and without asking. It wasn't solely their holiday, it's not their choice to make.

Hopefully it will work out this time and you will feel better about things. Don't ever agree to book anything with these people again. So disappointed for you.

You've paid? That makes things easier (as long as your DH is on board)

"Susan you know we wanted this to be just the 7 of us. It's not ok for you to invite Emma onto a holiday that we've paid for when you knew that. She's not invited. It's up to you whether you and Bill still come without her. If you'd rather do something different with her instead we'll just go on our own"

I hadn’t even thought of this. It’s actually putting everything at risk really. I will mention this as it isn’t a short drive away either

@Heathercost Actually, I think you should stay home for a rest, and let DH take all the kids with HIS parents

Who is this other child? I'm assuming it's another grandchild? Possibly DH's sisters child, whom your inlaws already do a lot for?

You really can't uninvite the child though. Even if she didn’t initially want to come / had to be talked into it. Yes it changes the dynamics and purpose of the holiday but other than cancelling your family going (and I imagine that in itself will cause a whole different set if problems) you really just have to suck it up.

What you say about the previous camping trip sounds utterly hideous and I'd have packed my shit up and left. And probably never agreed to this trip (if in-laws have form for accepting all the waifs and strays?)

DH is just as disappointed really. He just doesn’t understand why this has happened. I think as well he knows how much I’m struggling and is sad for me if that makes sense. It has helped talking about it. And like you say I’ve got to try not to let it get the better of me as these things can and I don’t want to be a bitter person. That isn’t who I am. This has just bought out a bit of something in me really which is very unusual. We always say sleep on things and see how you feel in morning. I’m going to do that and see and see if I can to and try the most of it but if not I could say to dh to take the kiddies and I’ll stay home and have a week to chill but I so wanted to spend time with the children. They are off for 7 weeks in holidays clubs etc and this is our only break this year. I think I’m just going to try and settle with the idea and make the best of it

I'd go but be very clear you are not looking after extra child.
If granny says I'm just popping to xyz. Ok - extra child get your shoes on you are going with granny. Granny says no it's fine i won't be long. No granny, child is going with you. You can be as long as you want with them.

She does not get to foist child onto you.

Have some family time just you dh & your dc. This is your holiday.

Unfortunately granny is not going to be spending the promised time with your dc. Lesson learnt. Don't book to go with them again.

Wtaf?! You’ve paid and they’ve invited another kid? Against your wishes despite you saying no? I’m gobsmacked. Is it too late to cancel?

If you’ve paid for the holiday yourselves, I’d ask the three of them not to come. Your husband’s mum and partner have invited someone else when you’ve specifically asked them not to.

This is your husband's family so you might as well stay home and enjoy some me time and he can sort out four children.

I think you are overreacting!
Go and relax hold your boundary of not being responsible.

The stress you are bringing to this can’t be good for your health. Try to relax

I think you’re right. And yes it was them. It was awful honestly. The children were running away left right and centre where they were all arguing. It was awful. I should have learnt from that. I let my guard down. They kept asking and asking and I even said a few weeks ago I’d never do the camping again like that as it was awful. Let my guard down! That’s what DH said last night. We’ve always been good at if we go away to say Florida we get our own villa. We don’t share. Why on earth did I let slip on this one

I would tell the three of them not to come. They can go off somewhere else in their camper

I feel your pain. My parents live in another country and my sister and her family
moved to this country a few years ago. Since then, every single time we have visited, my parents have been looking after my nephews.

Last year my sister knew I was upset about it (her and DH went on a week’s holiday to celebrate wedding anniversary). Despite this, my nephews were left with my parents again on our most recent visit - even though I’d given lots of notice of when we were going to be there.

I’ve been extremely upset about it - but come to the conclusion that I can’t stop my sister from asking my parents to mind my nephews, and I can’t stop my parents from saying yes. So we have to remove ourselves from the situation, which means me and my kids miss out on much wanted time with my parents.

I love my nephews but I don’t want to be constantly minding them on my annual leave, and also for my parents to be busy minding them instead of spending time with my kids.

I would be pissed off OP, try to enjoy it anyway and make sure it doesn’t happen again - I’m going to stop inviting other people on our holidays too.

And just to add, it’s no good saying you’re not looking after the child but when there is a child around you naturally end up keeping an eye on them, supervising etc

I'd tell mil and her partner that I'd cancelled the booking and then go with just DH and your children if you're not up for a row about it.
I would be up for a row about it, they are complete twats inviting people on a holiday that you've paid for!

Just be ready to be VERY firm and refuse to babysit that child. If they make like they are going out, or away, or anywhere else than the loo, remind your in-laws to take the child with them.

If she is making a mess, asking a question, send her to MIL. EVERY SINGLE TIME. Nicely, you don't have to upset the child, but you can be gently very firm.

Any drama? MIL! Your guest is upsetting my child, can you help please?

If you want to ake your own kids somewhere, do that.
If MIL want the other child to join, she'll have to take her.

Sounds hard, but you soon get used to it.

Who is the child in relation to them? And you? A family member or a random friends child? For me personally its just one extra child, it might be nice for the kids to have another child to play with is it really such a big issue?

I understand you wouldnt have chosen it but whether the holiday is ruined over it is sort of down to you, you dont have to make it such a big issue. Surely the kids will still get time with their GP's and it sounds like they are the ones changing things to accomodate this, I.e they've not asked for them to share with your kids for example.

It does come across that you are resentful of this child, whats the backstory here?

I sympathise a little, to a point, but I’m struggling to see why you haven’t said a firm no to this.
This is your holiday, that you have paid for.
If it were me, and a relative “told” me they were bringing someone else with them I would have said a clear no. No we don’t want anyone else coming along. No this is our family holiday. No I’m not well enough to care for any children except my own. No the booking is for seven people not eight and sleeping in a van outside doesn’t get around that. No this trip was designed for you to spend quality time along with our children, you already spend loads of time with other child. No this is not what we want.
Pick up the phone again and find your voice.

I wouldn’t go.

I’d stay at home with wine and chocolate and have loads of me time doing exactly what I chose.
DH can have a nightmare week away watching the kids run riot with his Mum and her partner.
Dont even think I’d feel I’d missed out.
Last holiday I’d ever book with them in mind too.
Think I’d actually look forward to that.

The child is my DH neice. I wouldn’t say I’m resentful. I struggle with her. She has major behaviour issues can be violent. She runs away a lot. The mum passes her to anyone and everyone she can. The mum now has 7 weeks off work. She a dinner lady. I have one week with my children. So I guess that’s what has fueled my upset s little. She is a lot older than my children. And can be very nasty. The mum gets a lot of help with all her children from everyone. And no one ever offers to help us even with my health. We get there and we do alright. But just this one little time

Personally, I’d be tempted to tell them to both sleep in the campervan with the child……let them have the potential disruption and mess. They’ve got a bloody cheek hijacking the holiday that you’ve paid for to give another child’s mum a rest! When do they anticipate you getting a rest OP?!

You poor thing.... this is bollocks....

It's paid for....Go with your family.

Tell mil none of this works for you and she needs to make other plans.
If your MIL paid for her and her partner refund them.
Tell them to take tge child is the camper van and find a site themselves. You can meet up one of 2 days.

If mil is fucked off. Good. Let her be. Let her feel some of negative emotions youve been drowning in.

When holidays come about again tell her no because she permanently wants to mess about it and change plans and invite x y and z instead of seeing her GC so its a no.

If they all are coming and your DH is adamant. Id pack everything up and wave them off and stay at home for the week with ZERO guilt.

I put YABU because your OP is a very long winded way of saying you really don't want this child to come. Why don't you use your words with your IL's and explicitly state you do not want the child coming on holiday with you and for them to renege on their invite or not come at all.

You are well within your rights to tell them NO, given that they have invited an extra person on the holiday you are paying for.

It is obviously your MIL dgd, who she has a closer connection to. Stop trying to force one with your own kids as the result now is that your holiday will be negatively impacted, when you would have been better off just the 5 of you going.