AIBU to feel like my holiday has been ruined before we’ve even gone?

[Heathercost]

AIBU to feel like my holiday has been ruined before we’ve even gone?
My husband’s mum and her partner suggested that we all book a cottage in Wales together because they said they wanted to spend some proper time with us as a family.
We booked the cottage for me, my husband, our three children, his mum and her partner. It only sleeps seven, so it was booked for exactly the seven of us.
His mum has now invited another child to come for the whole holiday. Because the cottage only sleeps seven, her partner is now going to sleep in their camper van at night so that the child can take her place inside the cottage.
What makes this harder for me is that his mum and her partner don’t spend a huge amount of time with our three children. They already spend far more time with the child they have invited and are very close to her.
This holiday was their idea. They were the ones who said they wanted to go away with us and spend time with our family. I work full time and have very limited annual leave, so taking a week off is a big thing for me. It now feels as though I’m using that precious time on a holiday that has been completely changed from what I agreed to.
I had already made it clear that I didn’t want anyone else coming. I had also specifically spoken about our last family camping trip and how badly that went.
On that trip, several adults essentially dropped their children at the campsite and then went off to enjoy a relaxing week themselves. The children were left crammed into everybody else’s tents and camper vans, and the adults who had actually stayed at the campsite ended up looking after them all.
I had already said I did not want to be put in that position again. I had that conversation only weeks before this happened, which is partly why I feel so ignored.
The child was asked if she wanted to come and initially said no. I thought that should have been the end of it. Instead, it was brought up again, and she eventually agreed. His mum and partner now feels guilty and wishes they didn’t invite her but it’s done now.
I even suggested that they could simply explain that they had spoken to me and, because of my health and everything that has happened recently, I really needed the holiday to be focused on spending time with my own children. They chose not to do that.
I have PoTS and reactive hypoglycaemia and struggle with dizziness, blackouts, weakness, fatigue and my heart rate shooting up when I stand.
More recently, I was taken into hospital with stroke-like symptoms, including slurred speech, numbness and weakness down one side. Thankfully, a stroke was ruled out, but I’m still experiencing weakness in my arm and leg and problems with my speech at times. I’m now waiting for neurological investigations and neuro physiotherapy.
After such a frightening and exhausting time, I genuinely needed this break. I wanted to use my limited time away from work to spend time with my husband and children, and I hoped the children would finally get some proper time with their grandparents too.
Instead, I now feel as though the focus will mainly be on the child they have invited, because she is the child they already spend the most time with. They have changed the sleeping arrangements and moved one of the original adults out of the cottage to make sure she can come.
It isn’t that I dislike the child, because I don’t, and none of this is her fault. My issue is entirely with the adults. They invited another child onto a holiday that was already full, despite knowing I didn’t want anyone else coming and despite the fact that this was supposed to be their opportunity to spend time with us and our children.
I’m also worried that I’ll end up helping to look after her. If she becomes upset, plays up, wants to go home or needs lots of attention, it will affect the entire holiday. If there are any major problems, her mum will need to come and collect her. I cannot take responsibility for another child while managing my health and looking after my own three.
I feel like I have no choice but to go, put a smile on my face and make sure my children have a lovely time. They’ve been looking forward to it and would be devastated if we cancelled. It wouldn’t be fair for them to lose their holiday because of a decision they had no part in.
But for me, it no longer feels like the holiday I agreed to use my annual leave for. I’m not looking forward to it anymore. It feels like a waste of the very limited time I get off work, and I feel resentful, anxious and hurt that the one boundary I clearly set was ignored.
I’ve decided that after this I won’t agree to any more family holidays, camping trips or similar gatherings, because I don’t trust that the same thing wouldn’t happen again.
AIBU to feel this was unfair, particularly when the holiday was their idea because they claimed they wanted to spend time with us and our children?

Clearly your words have fell on deaf ears

cancel your annual leave at work and tell her you need to work

sort out your own holiday with your children another time

sint book a holiday with her again

Ah, @Heathercost I can totally see your pov now with your update. I think the grandparents are being quite unreasonable. This should be a time for you. I would definitely be kicking back on this.

I do feel for you, OP, I would hate this too.
I appreciate the PILs say they can't uninvite the Teen Terror but can you uninvite the in-laws?

That way the other child could not come either but the PILS can still look after her in their own home….

I assume with 3 kids, you and DH the car is full?

Go out every day. Eat out separately - even if it's a picnic.

Limit interactions.

If she runs off, neither you nor DH should chase her - MIL is responsible.

Ideally, your DH should be telling his Mother to leave the child with her parents or stay at home.

Tell them that not only is the child not invited but now they aren’t either!!! Make it VERY clear this is the consequences of their behavior and don’t take them saying oh it’s ok we will in invite child. They have made their bed they can pay for another holiday let to stay in if they want to go on holiday!! If you don’t put your foot down like this they will do it again and again and again

…and if the PILs disagree it shows you they were indeed hoping to palm the child off onto you.

Who cares if its his niece.

Literally tell your mil this.

DN has major behaviour issues can be violent. She runs away a lot. The mum now has 7 weeks off work. I have one week with my children.

I'd be saying everything you've said here to the inlaws and say that they either say there's been a mixup and there's no space for the child (and by the sounds of it since the child initially said no then they won't be that bothered) or all three of them are uninvited.

You paid for this holiday, it's your holiday and they are ruining it.

@Heathercost Given the weather for the next couple of weeks - I'd just stay at home and tell MIL how much she and her DD owe you for the holiday.

Go for days out. Zoo, Safari Park, Beach (if it's not to far) camping in the garden if pos?

💐

Your own DC do not deserve to be exposed to this violent, disruptive older child who will be the focus of all the adults’ attention and leave them feeling confused and left out.

Yes I was going to suggest seeing if there is a smaller cottage avaialbe nearby for them... and you will see them on Tuesday, Thursday and Friday. or whatever.

It's awful to do that to you when you're still so ill and in need of a break. x

Many years ago a friend of ours found out we were going to a hotel. He booked himself in and didn't like leaving the hotel. He ruined our little break .Ever sine I never give out any details about any holiday. Our friend has since died but I was fuming for a long time.

@Heathercost The booking is in your name? Then you are the key-holder for the duration of the stay?

Get DH to tell his parents to stay away. They are no longer allowed to stay.

You can't let the feral teen into the cottage - if she kicks off and damages something that's for YOU to pay for.

Let the ILs find a camp site.

Yet neither of you two do anything about it. You just let it happen.

Why are both of you not capable of speaking up? It is really weird.

Im confused because if you paid for the cottage OP, its your choice who goes, not someone else. Are you allowed to have extra people coming, did you have to specify how many adults vs children sort of thing and now that has changed

I would simply put my foot down and say she cant come, its not your fault if she was told she can and they made a mistake about that, thats a them problem to solve

And neice or no neice I wouldnt be going on holiday with a child so challenging, its hard enough when its your own kids but not someone elses thank you very much

What does your husband think? Is he prepared to tell his Mum that he is upset at her prioritising his sister? And fall out with her if necessary?

If not, can you get a refund? If so, I would accidentally have to work and rebook somewhere for just your family. It will keep happening if you keep rolling over and not making a fuss but your MIL may care more about upsetting your son than you.

Holiday cottage owner here. I would absolutely not allow an extra guest in a camper van on my property and neither would any others I know of unless they also ran a campsite. My insurance is strictly for the number on the booking form. Suggest that you find the terms and conditions for the cottage. This may be the excuse that MiL needs to retract her unfortunate invitation.

OP , I really feel for you and would feel exactly the same way.

Is the booking refundable? If so I would cancel and rebook accommodation for the 5 of you and tell dh to tell your in laws. If not, I would still be telling them you've cancelled as it is not the holiday you had booked and planned for. But still go just you 5 and sod 'em.

Your in laws are thoughtless and selfish and couldn't care less how you feel, so show them the same energy, put yourself and your dc's first and focus this holiday on them. It sounds if your niece comes it will also ruin your dc's only holiday with you and this is completely unfair.

Tell dh to tell them now it's cancelled. Let them book their own holiday with niece if they are that desperate to have that time with her. Please don't feel you have to get your head around it and just go along with it. You are doing yourself and your dc's a disservice by allowing them to trample all over your wishes and feelings like this.

We have. I even said we won’t go. And then get bombarded with please go. I was half expecting them to say ok we will let them know she can’t come. I even said use me. Blame me. Say because if her health we’ve spoken to her etc. but they won’t. They’ve told me not to speak to the mum directly as it would make it worse!? The children have been counting down the days to go so it’s not as easy as sticking to I’m not going either. I said I’m not happy. I’ve told her a lot of what I’ve said here about how I feel. But nothing. Not care whatsoever. So we either don’t go and the children are upset. Or I suck it up a fake a smile and try and make it work really but I have stood up for myself which I’m not great at doing but I feel I really did well on this one

Honestly, I would get out my credit card and book a week away just for me and my family. This child is going to wreck your holiday and your ILs won't do anything to help. You need to learn your lesson from last time, not this time.

Tell them you've checked and you're not allowed a random extra in a camper.

You have told them, but they don’t listen and use you like a doormat.

So you need to take action here, show them that you meant what you said. Tell them they can not go now. It is their own fault. Don’t be that doormat.

I think you need to uninvite DH's mum and partner and have the accommodation just for you and DH and your kids. Your priority for this week needs to be spending your limited time off with your kids.

The problem is that you have been trying to get DH's mum to care as much for your DC as she does for this other child and quite simply she doesn't and isn't going to. Her priority is this other child and that's not going to change. You can't force it to change by booking special holidays and other opportunities for her to spend quality time with your kids, because she doesn't want to.

You are right that this holiday will be ruined if you allow it to go ahead with the extra child. Be firm that this cannot happen.

It sounds like you and your DH find it hard to stand up for yourselves which is why people take advantage of you. You’re waiting for them to listen to you. They won’t. You have to be very clear that you won’t be looking after DGD and you will be doing your own thing with your own family. And it’s a shame they’ll be missing out on having fun with your kids.

But be REALLY clear this is the last straw and you won’t be going with them again because of their failure to consider you and back down,.

Otherwise they will continue to walk all over you.

I like the idea of your husband telling his parents that since they didn't respect your condition that they not invite the other kid, they are uninvited along with the kid.

That places the problem back on them. They were going to treat the other kid on your dime and you'd be watching her and dealing with the behavioural issues and their effects on your kid. This makes it clear that you set a boundary, they stomped it, so now these are the consequences.

I like that better than my idea of you stay home and rest. This way you show your in laws you're not pushovers anymore and you get the vacation with your kids that you paid for.

FAFO.