AIBU to feel like my holiday has been ruined before we’ve even gone?

[Heathercost]

AIBU to feel like my holiday has been ruined before we’ve even gone?
My husband’s mum and her partner suggested that we all book a cottage in Wales together because they said they wanted to spend some proper time with us as a family.
We booked the cottage for me, my husband, our three children, his mum and her partner. It only sleeps seven, so it was booked for exactly the seven of us.
His mum has now invited another child to come for the whole holiday. Because the cottage only sleeps seven, her partner is now going to sleep in their camper van at night so that the child can take her place inside the cottage.
What makes this harder for me is that his mum and her partner don’t spend a huge amount of time with our three children. They already spend far more time with the child they have invited and are very close to her.
This holiday was their idea. They were the ones who said they wanted to go away with us and spend time with our family. I work full time and have very limited annual leave, so taking a week off is a big thing for me. It now feels as though I’m using that precious time on a holiday that has been completely changed from what I agreed to.
I had already made it clear that I didn’t want anyone else coming. I had also specifically spoken about our last family camping trip and how badly that went.
On that trip, several adults essentially dropped their children at the campsite and then went off to enjoy a relaxing week themselves. The children were left crammed into everybody else’s tents and camper vans, and the adults who had actually stayed at the campsite ended up looking after them all.
I had already said I did not want to be put in that position again. I had that conversation only weeks before this happened, which is partly why I feel so ignored.
The child was asked if she wanted to come and initially said no. I thought that should have been the end of it. Instead, it was brought up again, and she eventually agreed. His mum and partner now feels guilty and wishes they didn’t invite her but it’s done now.
I even suggested that they could simply explain that they had spoken to me and, because of my health and everything that has happened recently, I really needed the holiday to be focused on spending time with my own children. They chose not to do that.
I have PoTS and reactive hypoglycaemia and struggle with dizziness, blackouts, weakness, fatigue and my heart rate shooting up when I stand.
More recently, I was taken into hospital with stroke-like symptoms, including slurred speech, numbness and weakness down one side. Thankfully, a stroke was ruled out, but I’m still experiencing weakness in my arm and leg and problems with my speech at times. I’m now waiting for neurological investigations and neuro physiotherapy.
After such a frightening and exhausting time, I genuinely needed this break. I wanted to use my limited time away from work to spend time with my husband and children, and I hoped the children would finally get some proper time with their grandparents too.
Instead, I now feel as though the focus will mainly be on the child they have invited, because she is the child they already spend the most time with. They have changed the sleeping arrangements and moved one of the original adults out of the cottage to make sure she can come.
It isn’t that I dislike the child, because I don’t, and none of this is her fault. My issue is entirely with the adults. They invited another child onto a holiday that was already full, despite knowing I didn’t want anyone else coming and despite the fact that this was supposed to be their opportunity to spend time with us and our children.
I’m also worried that I’ll end up helping to look after her. If she becomes upset, plays up, wants to go home or needs lots of attention, it will affect the entire holiday. If there are any major problems, her mum will need to come and collect her. I cannot take responsibility for another child while managing my health and looking after my own three.
I feel like I have no choice but to go, put a smile on my face and make sure my children have a lovely time. They’ve been looking forward to it and would be devastated if we cancelled. It wouldn’t be fair for them to lose their holiday because of a decision they had no part in.
But for me, it no longer feels like the holiday I agreed to use my annual leave for. I’m not looking forward to it anymore. It feels like a waste of the very limited time I get off work, and I feel resentful, anxious and hurt that the one boundary I clearly set was ignored.
I’ve decided that after this I won’t agree to any more family holidays, camping trips or similar gatherings, because I don’t trust that the same thing wouldn’t happen again.
AIBU to feel this was unfair, particularly when the holiday was their idea because they claimed they wanted to spend time with us and our children?

You’re being a mug.

little did we know they were already driving up and staying in the van a few days before the cottage

how convenient

So where are they parking the van? Do they have consent to park it at the property? You really do need to address this and stop ignoring my previous comments.

That's going to make her feel better. They've said they're already there, what can she do.

Do you actually believe them OP?

Do they have permission to park on the drive? Or have an extra child staying in the house?

You should be telling them to get back in their van and go home.

Well let them all stay in the van - it's clearly fine with them all in there for a few days - so a few extra days! If they're not happy, they can go home!!
Then enjoy your own family holiday!

But you can tell them they're staying in the van for the whole holiday and you'll meet up with them once or twice, yes?

This means they will be used to staying in the van and can continue in it once the rest of you get there and you have the cottage to yourselves.

They have manipulated you and coerced you into a situation that makes your holiday harder and not restful.
At the end of the week I would be telling them that this is the last holiday you will be doing together.
They have purposefully done this. Awful

This, totally this.

They can stay in the van where they are and you can meet up.

You've put your kids last because you two are afraid to say no and mean it and that's not fair to them.

We’ve said about the insurance and the over occupancy. They have said IF it’s an issue she will take the van and park nearby. All this just to take his neice honestly. I said the cottage owner livers on site. I don’t want my nerves on edge about it and breaking the rules. Let’s see what happens but yeah. Maybe I’ve been a mug but I do feel I really have tried. More than I’ve ever done before. It’s got me nowhere but Bridges have been burnt

I think they already know this. I’ve never ever spoken up for myself. I’m docile and I get on with a lot of they know they’ve done wrong. She said she felt sick. She should never have invited her but it’s done bow. She couldn’t have felt that sick or she would have not picked her up early

OP, with respect, you’ve repeatedly said how you’ve told them how you feel… that is different to saying “this is not happening - end of” which should’ve been the stance backed up by a suitable plan and robust actions if they tried to push it (eg by turning up anyway).

The thing with people like that is they don’t care how you feel so they’ll carry on regardless unless you take a hard line and actively put clear boundaries in place.

From your latest update, if I were you I’d call their bluff and call the property owner to check on the situation with the camper van. Make it clear you said they couldn’t do that. If the property owner is not happy about them staying in the camper van, you’ve covered yourselves by reporting the situation and the property owner may well ask them to leave in which case you can go and enjoy your holiday without them.

Why is Mumsnet full of people who allow themselves to be walked all over??

OP this is so simple. You paid for the holiday. They’ve spectacularly thrown this back in your face. Simply uninvite them.

Honestly I would go elsewhere. I would go into debt to make my fucking point here. I would cancel the cottage so they can’t use it and take the kids another place.

I really hope the owner doesn't find out and ask you to leave. Its ok for your MIL, her DP and niece as they'll still be able to continue with the holiday as they have alternative accommodation. It'll be you and your own DC that will miss out.

If it wasn’t for the children wanting to spend time with her I’d have 100% done this. I even tested the water but my children are too excited for this. They are young carers they have a hard time with my health. Saw me getting put into an ambulance last week. I can’t let them ruin it for them. I have to suck it up but I know that they care very little for my children and will protect them from them from now on.

I was up until 5am thinking this this morning. I’d be asking them to as this has nothing to do with me. I’m still fuming. I say I’ve drawn a line. But I don’t think I have. Haha

You've started to assert yourself which is good. You know this is an area you find hard and it's a skill that needs to be practiced. It's easy for people to say what they would do when they aren't in your situation.

I would have plenty of rest and lie downs on this break and avoid them. You are not the entertainer or the caterer for any of them and you can use your recent poor health to excuse yourself.

Good luck, I hope it is better than you expect.

No, you definitely haven't drawn a line, you're letting them walk all over you. It's so unfair on you - you're the one losing sleep, you're the one feeling like you're being forced into a situation that doesn't work for your family (you're not being forced though, you have the power to stop it), you'll be the ones whose holiday gets cut short if the holiday owner says it's over-occupancy.

Are you all driving down in the same car OP ?
I feel angry and upset on your behalf.
Try not to get stuck with a tantruming kid to sort out ....Let MIL do it. I hope you enjoy it just the same.

You have nothing to lose by taking a step back once this is over. Your MIL is incredibly disrespectful and not ashamed to show you as much.

Go, try to enjoy your holiday, do things separately as a family of four. If your MIL gets offended then thats for her to deal with, make it known that you've told her your feelings and she chose to ignore, so now put it into action that you've no intention of letting them ruin your whole holiday and your only duty, for want of a better word, is to your own DC.

You should never put up with people that want such a say in your life while offering nothing in return.

Would be nice to update as the holiday goes on.

Surely the easy way out of this saga is to phone the cottage owner and ask what they think about the "sleeping in the van on the drive" idea.
They won't be impressed, I'm sure, as though only 7 folk will be sleeping in the cottage, 8 folk will be using all the facilities.
When owner says no way can you do this, phone Mil and Co. and tell her, her crew will have to make their own accommodation arrangements, otherwise the owner will cancel your booking.
Job done.

@Heathercost

If I were you I'd be messaging or calling the owner today and asking them directly about parking a camping van on the drive and people sleeping in it. Why wouldn't you? If they say 'no' then inform the iLs that they will have to make 'other arrangements' as it's not allowed. If they say they don't mind, then it's at least one worry off your mind.

This is a case where it is better to ask for permission than for forgiveness since chances are all of you will be asked to leave with no refund.

FWIW my esDH and I were US RVers. I'd no more park our RV in a vacation rental driveway than the man in the moon. It's rude and entitled, especially since it increases the usage of the rental's 'facilities' (toilet use, water, electricity, etc) beyond the owner's chosen occupancy. An RV/camping van belongs in an RV park or a campground unless you have the express permission of the holiday home's owners.